sweasel.com

From the wisdom of Drew Cary:

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”

Hahaha! Shit! I hit publish on that? No wonder it didn’t appear in my drafts!

Well. Hang on for edits 🙂

There. Added the pitcher and the last paragraph.

My worst nightmare: hitting ‘publish’ on a half baked pile of disconnected weasel droppings. At least that one was 90% baked.

No, I’m lying. My worst nightmare is hitting ‘send’ on an email that somehow the words “fuck you!” and my real name and address have mysteriously appeared in the middle of.

Every time I’m in a social environment and people I know pretend they haven’t seen me or make excuses and leave, I often think, ‘Mayhap I smell!’ and then proceed to go into the nearest shithouse, look in the mirror and say, ‘…What does mayhap even mean? Oh god, mayhap I’m stupid too.’

I know how you feel, Gibby. Except I look in the mirror and practice not meeting my gaze. Self-snubbing, so to speak.

I wash my hands afterwards, though.

I wonder where Dawn is? I keep thinking it was something I said. It usually is…or should have been …

Didn’t Dawn just move home? Hopefully she’s busy cooking buns.

Yeah, she moved a few weeks ago. You’re probably right – I bet they’re busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. Stressed out like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin’ chairs.

I can’t think of any more.

Reminds me of a little story comedian Ron White tells about a woman at a show he was at. He commented that there were some 40,000 men in the local military base, and some woman in the audience yelled something to the effect that every one of them was lousy in bed.

He paused, looked around and said “Every one of them? You know, ma’am, after a while I’d begin to wonder… maybe it’s me?“

Busy as a:

One armed paper-hanger?

Near-sighted queer at a weenie roast?

(I heart the edit feature)

…busy as a….

I got nothin’.

Oh! wait!

Busy as a ….

Shit.

Well, there’s ‘Busy as a whore on payday’ but that’s so obvious.

Tighter’n a bull’s ass at fly time.

Useless as tits on a man.

I’m going to write to my Congressman to pass Musli’s law. What is Musli’s law? Thanks for asking. It is:
“RESOLVED, that no store henceforth is permitted to have clearance sales on items of chocolate, ever. No exceptions. And especially no ‘90%-off’ aisles of yummy chocolates that would provoke a chocoholic diabetic from buying bags of chocolates which he (or she) would scarf down over the next few days, resulting in poor blood sugar control, weight gain, and other unacceptable occurrences.”

I mean, c’mon! The government must do something to prevent me from doing such a stupid thing! And it’s the corporations’ fault! There ought to be a law!

Please write to your Congressman and help save the blood sugar control and waistlines of diabetic chocoholics by legislative action targetting large corporations.

Useless as tits on a man.

You are so not gay. As gay men have discovered, they are erogenous zones on men too.

But then it may be gay men’s substitution of what all men want to do.

Orgiastic like a booklover in a library.

Edit: I don’t mean booklover as in a fetish whereby one would engage in orgies with multiple books (eeeeeeewwwwwwwww!).

2nd edit: Of course, I’m a monobookist. All y’all promiscuous polybookists are sinners!

I *heart* The People’s Cube: China’s new Olympic logo.

Busier than a cat trying to cover up shit on a marble floor.

So… what’s wrong with engaging in orgies with multiple books?

Really, I want to know.

And so does my attorney.

Right, tits on a man is an abundant source of amusement.
Also, women aren’t the only ones susceptible to breast cancer either, and, as we all know, tumours are more easily detected in larger breasts.
So there’re two solid arguments for manboobs.

Thirsty as a hyperglycemiac. (hyperglycemian?)

Hungry as a fat dieter on week three.

Musli’s Chocolate Denial Ordinance. We can make it a felony and a hanging offense.

I have – right here in front of me – my Hershey’s Kiss. There are many like it, but this one is mine. It’s been sitting here in front of me – this very same one – on the PC power console for almost a month – since I went all sweet-like.

It is my test. I like flipping it the finger from time to time. It does not show any awareness, but I know it’s aware that it could be eaten at any time, at my will and pleasure. The petty authority I exercise over my Hershey’s Kiss is absolute, and quite gratifying.

McGoo, that’s kind of like AA in reverse. You’ve found your higher power and you’re flipping it off regularly.

Like shoving butter up a cat’s ass with a hot awl.

For some reason, this came to mind:

Be Prepared by Tom Lehrer:

Be prepared! That’s the Boy Scout’s marching song,
Be prepared! As through life you march along.
Be prepared to hold your liquor pretty well,
Don’t write naughty words on walls if you can’t spell.

Be prepared! To hide that pack of cigarettes,
Don’t make book if you cannot cover bets.
Keep those reefers hidden where you’re sure
That they will not be found
And be careful not to smoke them
When the scoutmaster’s around
For he only will insist that it be shared.
Be prepared!

Be prepared! That’s the Boy Scouts’ solemn creed,
Be prepared! And be clean in word and deed.
Don’t solicit for your sister, that’s not nice,
Unless you get a good percentage of her price.

Be prepared! And be careful not to do
Your good deeds when there’s no one watching you.
If you’re looking for adventure of a
new and different kind,
And you come across a Girl Scout who is
similarly inclined,
Don’t be nervous, don’t be flustered, don’t be scared.
Be prepared!

Apropos to nothing: let me say that I loathe to use the word “hate”. I was taught it is a very bad word. One should never hate.

That said, I hate
D e b
F r i s c h.

(I don’t want to write out her name in case she ends up here.)

She’s scary.

I don’t like a nanny state, but I think this is one case where the state ought to step in and institutionalize her permanently.

I still mourn how she practically shut down pw. I can’t imagine how I would react were I in Goldstein’s shoes.

Thirsty as a hyperglycemiac. (hyperglycemian?)

I believe the correct word might be hyperglycemiac. At least the way I understand English.

McGoo: You have no idea how wonderful it is to know that others out there understand what it’s like to experience the pains and thrills of diabetes. I still feel sad about this happening to you. But isn’t it like a new world?

The thirst and orgasmic joy of drinking water…that’s how I judge whether someone knows diabetes.

Incidently, this is why I always carry a water bottle with me. And it holds quite a bit of water. I have this almost paranoid fear that I might become hyperglycemic and there may be no water around.

I just deleted a page’s worth of stories of my diabetic experience. *sigh* No one wants to read about me wanting to pee.

You know, this is what old South Asians do: talk about their medical ailments. I’ve turned into an old South Asian, wanting to bore everyone with my medical stories.

I actually think she’s batshit insane. I mean, clinically. The way she plays with language is classic schizophrenic behavior. I’m surprised her family hasn’t rolled her up and put her away somewhere. Maybe they’re sick of her shit, too.

Musli: old people EVERYWHERE talk about their latest illnesses.

Musli – we think the same. I’m already tending to take a half-gallon thermos of icewater everywhere with me.

Not because I think I’ll suffer, but because – should I go sugar-high – I WANT THE NEAR-SEXUAL PLEASURE of guzzling that whole fucking half-g in one big, long, magnificent CHUG, by God! Aaaaahhhhh!

So if someone rolls their eyeballs at me at work, I can sue them? Buncha nanny-turds.

Woohoo, McGoo!

I just (mostly) did my taxes. Damn, TurboTax makes that easier. I kind of resent paying $44 for a program that I used for half an hour, but still…

When I worked – and especially when I consulted – I used to use TT religiously, and I found that it usually saved me the price of the S/W several times over at a minimum. But buying (and paying for) software you only use ONCE does kinda grate on the nerves a bit.

Gotta get your Bush Bonus, Weaz.

Hey, I’m a TurboTaxer too! I like it and it saves a lot of time. I guess that’s why I don’t mind the price, really. The older and more prosperous I get the more I value my time and that increases my willingness to throw some money at something tedious to make it go away ASAP.

Well, it just imported last year’s return and let me update the numbers, so it felt such a trifle. Next year will be more complicated.

Stupid $600, McGoo. Yeah, I’m getting it. I feel…soiled.

Ha! I love being singled out by name!

If the NYTimes wouldn’t mind, I’d like this comment to be moved to #1.

As you are going through other readers’ comments, you might prefer to skip over those made by anna (many)and the S. Weasel.

Neither of them provide constructive, or even valid, input.

If you enjoy pain, read their comments anyway.

— Posted by relative

My two (2) comments were deliberately quite mild. The arrogance of suggesting the NYT move a comment to the top because of its obvious importance…perfetto! Liberals in a nutshell.

Weaz – do what I did years ago: start a notebook text file and save every expletive, naughty name, descriptor, etc anyone calls you. Nothin’ fancy – just cut and paste into a text file.

Just this morning pjm called me “sick” (and then approved of me thoroughly!). Saved. Once Badger called me one of the wickedest people he knew (1/8/08). Saved. Gnus described me as “serious evil” (and expressed his approval too, on 1/8/08 also ). Stored away.

And you were there that famous night when I was called a “cumguzzling gutter tramp” by jimineycricket on June 17, 2007.

I’ve been called an asshole by a Japanese, a German, an Italian, a Mexican, and a Swiss lady. I’ve been told to fuck off in 5 different languages, including Dutch, Weaz!

You yourself called me a shameless hussy (2/11/08)!

Save these moments, Weaz. They are precious!

When I got kicked out of finishing school (quite unfinished!) the Dean of Women pronounced me “Brilliant…but sick.”

Proudest moment of my life.

Whoa! I guess it would be too much to hope for for her to have put it in writing. You could make the document an heirloom or sumpin. I’d frame it.

I’ve thought about writing up a post “Things I have been called – usually with good reason” but I never have.

What did you say over at the NYT that wrinkled someone’s underwear? Or was it a “had to be there”?

Hmmm…lessee…comment #1:

If these things happen to you in every job you have, or if you are treated this way by multiple people, could it be that you are not as competent as you think you are?

If people frequently yell at you, don’t return your calls, roll their eyes at comments you make at meetings and don’t give you the praise you think you deserve, maybe you’re just not very good at your job.

— Posted by S. Weasel

and comment #2:

Say, mental exercise time. Go back and read the list of behaviors that constitute bullying. Okay, now ask yourself: if you were the *victim* of a really obnoxious, bullying co-worker, how many of those behaviors would constitute your only defensive weapons?

Not answering emails or phone calls? Ducking out of your office to avoid the person? Not inviting him to meetings?

— Posted by S. Weasel

Told you they were mild. I did my best to make the point in the least abrasive manner I could manage. So the fact they still rubbed someone so much the wrong way tells me it’s the ideas that are the problem.

Heh heh.

Wow. I think you struck the nail on the head, and someone didn’t like it. Reality stings like acid.

“Neither of them provide constructive, or even valid, input.”

That’s denial.

“If you enjoy pain, read their comments anyway.”

That’s a tacit admission that the truth hurts.

Nice shooting, Weaz. And humanely done, too.

Honey frosted nitric acid: a weasel speciality.

Heh. Oh, lordy-lord do Libs hate facing reality. Commiseration , victimhood, externalization of fault, blame, guilt, and (shudder) responsibility – they’ll wallow in it.

But suggest that – perhaps – some of the problem *might* be self-generated, and they act like you called them a C**t and demanded sex with their pets.

demanded sex with their pets

That is an unalienable, Constitutional right, as far as Leftists are concerned.

Man, am I glad I’m not in the workforce anymore. I would be so fired so quickly.

I would moon them all. Bullies, Liberals, Whiners. I would call it, “Argument by Buttock.” I could ask, “Look at it this way. *moons* Do you see my point now? Now fuck off.”

Is there a classic fallacy called Ad Hominem – Buttock? God, I hope so.

Fallacy ad buttockum? ad posteriam?

Option (A) got me thinking (ow). So I gotta throw in a quick quote and then do my nightly contribution to my accrual of sleep deficit…

Hugh Laurie was a guest on Inside the Actor’s Studio, and he said something very witty and self-deprecating at the same time – by default it was witty, because of course, he’s British. It goes something like this…

“Every group or organization is made up of different kinds of people. Next time you’re at a meeting, look around the room. If you can’t immediately identify the asshole, it’s probably you.”

I can NEVER spot the asshole. (sigh)

That wasn’t a pointed comment, so everyone just rein in those neurotic tendencies (that’s MY specialty). I just thought it was funny.

– LK

Oh, and if you have ever seen the movie “Swimming with Sharks”… Kevin Spacey played a character who I’d swear had been based on an old boss of mine. I couldn’t finish the movie – just plain creeped me out.

As bad as he was, I can honestly say my current boss is top-notch and has spoiled me for life (without spoiling me) for other bosses.

My point is, anyone who says “every job I ever had was sh*t because ________” probably has a few issues that they drug into every job they had as well, or they need to change professions.

– LK

Wherever you go, there you are.

Thanks to liberals, it’s pretty hard to get yourself fired these days, McGoo. Almost impossible if you’re willing to throw down the “mental illness” or “substance abuse” cards. They have to send you for treatment before they can biff your ass.

“I’m so sorry I mooned you, Boss. I have a drink problem. See you after rehab…”

Heh. I’m savoring that comments thread. People are still pouring out their tales of woe. Half these people I feel like tracking down and bullying just from reading their whiny comments.

A noticeable proportion of them come from academia or law. Heh. Liberal-on-liberal violence.

Seriously, how stupid do you have to be not to know that people can be assholes? Or to believe there’s some combination of laws or corporate restructuring that will stop people being assholes?

“How stupid do you have to be…?”

The snide side of my personality says you would have to be a liberal (and liberals are just uneducated conservatives, really) – OR – on the tail end of the bell curve from huffing too much glue (or “cheesing” as shown on South Park last night”).

In this day and age, it is highly surprising that you wouldn’t figure it out by age 7 or 8, and if you haven’t you were sheltered, slow, or purposefully found some sand to stick your head in.

People can be assholes? You betcha! I count on it. I presume it as a standard working assumption. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It gives me working room in my – heh – endeavors, and protective coloration so I can melt into the shadows when necessary.

Holy cow! The absolute prizewinner:

406.March 27th,
2008
8:38 am ‘What can be done about it?’ I have seen asked here. Well, it may be as simple as remininding yourself about the contents of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution and you will see that the current situation in the workplace are actually in violation of the most basic human right granted to you. Is that a way to protect your ‘life’, liberty and pursuit of happiness and does it promote the ‘general welfare’?
If you think, that it doesn’t, then it’s basically up to you to ask your state and the federal government to step in an stop this behavior and protect you. They can’t refuse, as their purpose is to make sure those rights are rights.

— Posted by alexandra

Are you unhappy? Then it’s up to the government to step in and fix things for you. It’s right in the Constitution!

Utter balderdash.

The Declaration of Independence and The Constitution exist to allow us to pursue life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, not to make us do it or to give it to us.

People seem to forget that our Founding Documents are not a mandate of what Government ought to do but rather they list what the Government may do. It’s less a guide and exhortation and more a stringent limitation of Government.

Independence from Great Britain — no offense, my British friends — was realized because then British policies hindered the American people’s pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness. That is why The United States were established: to establish a polity and system of government that would ensure that the government would not interfere with the people’s rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Ignorance of the basic philosophy of the founding and establishment of this great Nation, and of the purpose of our Founding Documents, infuriates me because it simply exacerbates the abuse thereof. Or leads to ridiculous “reinterpretation” of the Founding Documents and The United States’ purpose of existence.

Holy cow! The absolute prizewinner:

Have you spanked her yet? Please do and tell us if she cries.

Gently, but…of course.

Holy crap, alexandra! In 406, are you actually asserting that being rude is unconstitutional?! That whirring sound you here is the Founders spinning in their graves. “The pursuit of happiness” doesn’t mean we’re all obliged by law to be nice to each other. I can’t imagine anything more horrifying than using the awesome muscle of the state to impose niceness across the land. Brrrr.

Good lord, folks. A certain percentage of human beings are jerks. Ergo, a certain percentage of your colleagues will be jerks, too. No amount of legislation is going to change that. In fact, a really inspired bully always finds ways to use rules to his (or her) benefit.

— Posted by S. Weasel

Today’s long fact on my British daily trivia calendar: “‘&’ – The Ampersand”:
Some claim the ampersand was devised in 63 BC by Marcus Tiro as part of his shorthand system, others that it is simply a ligature formed by the ‘e’ and ‘t’ of the Roman ‘et’. The name is said to be a conflation of the words ‘and per se’.

I can’t believe that “constitution” post.

And remember – this person is allowed to vote and reproduce!

Weaz, et al, my PC took a mighty dump and the hard drive is at the data recovery place as I type. I am on my (Jeez!) 450mhz Pentium W98 machine – which I hadn’t powered up in years. See my blog comment for details. I’ll be back online Saturday I think.

I can’t believe my bad luck today!

Weaz – I just tried to drag & drop your site up there to the “site bar”. I just kinda clicked somewhere randomly and dragged.

It filled my site bar with the word “ants” and links to your damned ant drawings! Dozens of the fuckers! Took me minutes to hand-delete all of ’em.

okbai

Ugh! That’s lousy luck, McGoo!

Did the drive just go without warning? That’s my idea of a nightmare 🙁

I can’t stay offline. I’m sitting here in my workshop amidst the dust and hobby-electron cloud, surfing the net on an unprotected PC running W98. I’m gonna catch something – I just know it. My blog-schlong is gonna rot off.

Yes and no, Badger. I installed a new, faster DVD burner, but the system booted fine after that. I think it was an auto-update (or two) that simultaneously stepped on each other whilst doing whatever they do. My data recovery guy is confident he can get my (very important) data off the thing, and (probably) recover full functionality.

And – yes – I have a backup for all but the last 6 weeks or so. That six weeks is critical for a number of reasons and is damned near non-recoverable if my hard drive is kaput. I was about to do another backup when I decided to re-boot (just to start clean – hah!). Bad call…

This would happen on precisely the day Weasel talks about ampersands and boob chairs! Rats!

I have seen a “&cetera” or whatever in “olden” writing that I took to mean what we call “etc”. But I’m probably mistaken.

My commiserations, McGoo. I’m a frantic backer-upper (the Weasel, couldn’t care less – she’s A Weasel. They Are Invulnerable) but, like you just did, I leave gaps.

In fact I’m so paranoid, I don’t just backup to a portable HD, I also archive really critical stuff several times over on a variety of media.

Even so, I could still get caught out – and I know it. It’s one of my nightmares.

As for the haunted Interweb and W98, look at it this way. By now, there are hardly any bad guys out there who were active when W98 was around. They just want to break into people’s feelthy leetle Vista boxes and the few old-timers still struggling along with Model-T XP 😉

My dad used to tell me that when “everybody’s an asshole, and everything is fucked up, it’s time to take a look in the mirror”.