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Wait a second, *I’m* Neighborhood Watch

Yes, I joined the Neighborhood Watch! I guess that makes me a G. Zimmerman wannabe. Pretty much the whole parish joined up when PC Plod started one last month. We were promised gossipy emails about our neighbors, which have been pretty boring so far, to be honest.

I know what you’re thinking — da fuq? Yes, truly, a Bobby smiling benevolently over Bonnie Franklin, Duke Ellington and a Child of the Corn is really the official logo of the UK Neighborhood Watch. Or was; I think the more recent one is houses with eyes.

I know what else you’re thinking — how much crime can there be, out there in leafy rural England, with the sheep and the chickens and rosebushes? Well, that just goes to show how much YOU know, Mr/Mrs/Miss/Mz Smartypants. We have quite a lot of crime in our sleepy parish, mostly drive-by theft.

Sheep stealing. Gate stealing (scrap metal is very hot here at the mo’). Fuel oil stealing. Equipment stealing. We had a ritual ewe decapitation last Hallowe’en eve. *shakes fist* pesky Satanists!

Some years ago, one of the dimmer sons of the parish kidnapped a local elderly Duchess. Threw her over his shoulder and ran into the night, hoping for…no-one’s quite sure, actually. Whatever it was, he got a custodial sentence instead.

And then there was the fleeing bank robber who rolled his car into the ditch at our notorious bad corner. He ran to the nearest farmhouse soaking wet, pulled some dry clothes off the line, and appeared at the kitchen door in a sun dress demanding breakfast, quite forgetting that farmers are often armed. The daughter of the house chased him across the fields with daddy’s shotgun, screaming, “come back or I’ll blow your balls off!”

Sadly, they won’t let me go on patrol with anything more powerful than bitter sarcasm. I may get to man a speed trap, though!

Comments


Comment from Stark Dickflüssig
Time: July 16, 2013, 10:45 pm

Hardly enough diversity to catch a criminal. From now on, only pigs, mooks, guineas, & slopes are allowed to be on the neighbourhood watch.


Comment from USCitizen
Time: July 16, 2013, 10:50 pm

They spell funny in England.

“Neighbourhood”


Comment from tomfrompv
Time: July 16, 2013, 10:53 pm

Do you also get a lot of white-on-black crime like down in Florida? Judging by CNN, there are tons of white guys attacking black folk in that sorry state. Luckily, protesters out here in LA burned down a PetCo store and robbed a Walmart to show solidarity with Trayvon and other black victims in the Old South.


Comment from feynmangroupie
Time: July 16, 2013, 10:54 pm

You could always threaten to skewer them publicly on the Weasel Times & Stoat Intelligencer, read world-wide. Which is a true statement.


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: July 16, 2013, 11:03 pm

I happen to know the identity of our local serial killer.

Four paws, standy-up ears, whippy tail, miaows a lot and answers to the name of …. no, that would be telling.

You can just see Her Stoatliness as a latter day Miss Marple, can’t you?

“Really, vicar? How absolutely frightful”! Y’all”


Comment from mojo
Time: July 16, 2013, 11:08 pm

“Come back here, you sick bastard! That’s MY dress!”


Comment from mojo
Time: July 16, 2013, 11:09 pm

PS: What was that English SF flick with the creepy blonde kids whose eyes glowed?


Comment from Some Vegetable
Time: July 17, 2013, 12:13 am

My advice would be NOT to do this. Too dangerous. Should a Child-of-Africa™ cross your path, it could lead to a lifetime, however short, of bad luck.

As a side note, I am in despair of race relations in America. I sincerely believe they have been set back 40 or 50 years on both sides of the divide.

Most Blacks are convinced that there is no justice for them in the legal system – a system in which they had little faith before. Generally speaking they are further dis-invested in a culture which they believe is trying to push them out. Given the economic security given them by the Government, they see no advantage is changing their culture or behavior just to get kicked again by Whitey who will NEVER let them in.

Many Whites (and Hispanics?), if I may presume to speak for them, see the Zimmerman case as another example of the extent to which American Black Culture is savage, dishonest, and totally alien to “traditional American values”. Simply put, the belief that a Black Male Youth definitely lie to you and is likely to rob you, rape you, or kill you has grown, not diminished. I will say that the available statistics will not dissuade anyone of this belief. There remain, of course, the believers who think that (exposure to) education, financial aid to relieve poverty, and a stop to what they (ignorant of statistics) believe is persecution of Blacks by Law Enforcement will cure things and the lions will quit mugging the lambs.

As for me, I am torn between getting a pistol and a concealed carry license, or just more ammo for the shotgun.
I see no practical ‘societally based’ solutions that can be imposed by a government. I must however give the Democrats credit for solidifying their base.


Comment from Nina
Time: July 17, 2013, 12:32 am

Bitter sarcasm you have. In spades.

Excuse me, that was racist, I denounce myself.

Bitter sarcasm you have. In hearts. Or diamonds. Or clubs. Just not spades.

It’s been one of those days.


Comment from Dustoffmom
Time: July 17, 2013, 1:25 am

Just what da fuq is a custodial sentence? Is that like probation maybe? Hey, anyone stealing poor sheep should be in big, big, big trouble!


Comment from Stark Dickflüssig
Time: July 17, 2013, 2:35 am

You know whuss racis’? Homos!


Comment from Oceania
Time: July 17, 2013, 2:39 am

The Criminal is the dark fuzzy one on the right.


Comment from Stark Dickflüssig
Time: July 17, 2013, 2:43 am

You mean the gentle mook on the sweet, unmolesting police-man’s left?


Comment from Subotai Bahadur
Time: July 17, 2013, 3:11 am

Comment from Some Vegetable
Time: July 17, 2013, 12:13 am

As for me, I am torn between getting a pistol and a concealed carry license, or just more ammo for the shotgun.

Given the state of things. Do both. Just make sure that you have enough access to ammunition in the pistol’s caliber to become proficient with the pistol. I will assume that you are taking care of that with the shotgun already. Interesting times, as my ethnic fellows say, are upon us.

Subotai Bahadur


Comment from Christopher Taylor
Time: July 17, 2013, 3:26 am

According to Sherlock Holmes, more wand worse crime in the country than the city


Comment from Stark Dickflüssig
Time: July 17, 2013, 3:31 am

Commentaire de Christopher Taylor à July 17, 2013, 3:26 am

According to Sherlock Holmes, more wand worse crime in the country than the city

According to Sherlock Holmes, cocaine is a vegetable.


Comment from Paula Douglas
Time: July 17, 2013, 3:41 am

I agree with Suborai, Some Veg. Don’t limit your options. Do both. I myself am off at dawn’s crack tomorrow morning to earn my Texas CHL. Already got one for Florida back when I lived in the Land of Lincoln, but that was just to aggravate Illinois, the Stasi pricks.


Comment from Davem123
Time: July 17, 2013, 3:47 am

I think I can see a viable storyline here. Beautiful Yank artist moves to English country village, raises chickens, meets eccentric residents of the village, joins the neighborhood watch and begins solving local murders. There’s even a supernatural angle, what with the recent ritual ewe slaying (possibly connected to the other new resident who has recently moved from NZ.) I think the BBC should jump on this one.


Comment from Davem123
Time: July 17, 2013, 3:53 am

I see Sandy Duncan instead of Bonnie Franklin in the logo. Not sure who I see cast as Dame Stoat in the BBC mystery.


Comment from scottthebadger
Time: July 17, 2013, 4:47 am

Just remember, if they are going to let you ride along in traffic enforcement, that traffic stops are extremely dangerous. It’s very easy to get run over, or even worse, if you stop the right villian. Please be careful.

I would like to nominate Stephanie Seymour to play the part of S Weasel in the BBC mystery series posited above.


Comment from Mike James
Time: July 17, 2013, 5:14 am

You could train one of the chickens to pursue fleeing suspects or sniff out drugs or explosives and take her on patrol with you, with a little uniform coat with the Neighbourhood Watch crest on it and everything.


Comment from Oceania
Time: July 17, 2013, 6:14 am

Insurance FRAUD!

http://presstv.com/detail/2013/07/15/313839/911-incident-insurance-fraud/


Comment from scottthebadger
Time: July 17, 2013, 8:08 am

Christopher Taylor is right, It’s in The Copper Beeches, when Holmes and Watson are riding in a train going to Winchester, to meet Violet Hunter.


Comment from jic
Time: July 17, 2013, 8:29 am

“Comment from Dustoffmom
Time: July 17, 2013, 1:25 am
Just what da fuq is a custodial sentence? Is that like probation maybe?”

Nope, actual jail time. Or, if you want to use the ‘authentic’ British spelling that nobody’s used in 40 years, gaol time.


Comment from Mike C.
Time: July 17, 2013, 8:31 am

I was in a neighborhood watch once, way back when, in WV. We patrolled in pairs and were heavily armed with CB radios. Period. At the time, not only did you have to be a personal friend of/political contributor to at least the sheriff to get a carry permit, you also had to post a cash $ 10,000 bond with the state. $ 10,000 was a pretty good gross annual salary back then.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: July 17, 2013, 1:21 pm

I can’t help it. When I read “gaol” it sounds like “gay-all” in my head.


Comment from Blast Hardcheese
Time: July 17, 2013, 1:38 pm

As they said in Hot Fuzz, “everyone and their mums is packin’ round here!” Including farmers. And farmers’ mums. And farmers’ daughters, apparently.


Comment from Mr. Compton
Time: July 17, 2013, 1:42 pm

There is only *one* bad corner?

*look of disbelief*


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: July 17, 2013, 2:06 pm

Okay, okay, there are many, but there’s one that’s less of a bend in the road than a right turn. It’s seen tons of accidents over the years.


Comment from mojo
Time: July 17, 2013, 2:42 pm

PS: PC Plod appears to be goosing Bonnie Franklin


Comment from mojo
Time: July 17, 2013, 3:16 pm

PPS: I gleefully draw your attention to this, and point out that “Parks and Crump” is not a division of Recreation.


Comment from beasn
Time: July 17, 2013, 3:50 pm

As mentioned above, looks like you will have to redo your ‘creepy-ass cracker’ post, to ‘creepy ass-cracker’.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: July 17, 2013, 3:58 pm

Not many, even of the sexually adventurous, would self-identify as a creepy ass-cracker. Though I take your point.


Comment from Bob Mulroy
Time: July 17, 2013, 7:33 pm

Mojo, That movie was called “Village of the Damned” Mighty creepy!


Comment from GIL
Time: July 17, 2013, 9:32 pm

I was on ours in Urban London. Ai, yi, yi. The lady who lived in back of the African restaurant wanted the local Council Group to petition the Council to have the Africans stop slaughtering sheep in the alley late at night. The guts smelled and brought flies. Heh. I helped try to evict the “Noise Beast” who taunted the quiet Irish/Goan half-blind/deaf Old Couple who lived below. She finally moved on, but only to wreak havoc at the next place she was re-housed. Beautiful stuff too, though! My garden is populated with neighbour clippings! Big Life.


Comment from Stark Dickflüssig
Time: July 17, 2013, 9:38 pm

DOn’t ever googledotcom image search (or read a wikipedia article about) gangrene. Ah shit. Shit. Fuck. I’m going to have everything pre-emtively amputated. Shit.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: July 17, 2013, 10:50 pm

Oh, Stark. Lemme tell you. As someone who searches Google images a lot, there are many keywords that you must never try.

Words like “toe” and “finger” are certainly going to show you pictures you wish you could unsee.


Comment from Mrs Compton
Time: July 17, 2013, 10:52 pm

“It’s seen tons of accidents over the years.”

I recall screaming silently as we approached it. And crossing myself once we had passed it.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: July 17, 2013, 11:17 pm

Mrs C, one of my neighbors is the local keeper of historical pictures. He could show you all manner of antique vehicles stuck in that ditch.

I can think of five or six cars we’ve seen in it in the five years since we moved here.


Comment from Uncle Al
Time: July 18, 2013, 12:54 pm

Some Vegetable / Time: July 17, 2013, 12:13 am

Simply put, the belief that a Black
Male Youth [will] definitely lie to you and is
likely to rob you, rape you, or kill you has
grown, not diminished. I will say that the
available statistics will not dissuade anyone of
this belief.

I assert the more common belief is that a Black Male Youth is disproportionately more likely to do you harm than a member of any other readily identifiable group. Available statistics support this belief.


Comment from ed
Time: July 18, 2013, 10:18 pm

“According to Sherlock Holmes, cocaine is a vegetable.”

According to Sherlock Holmes don’t snort your celery.


Comment from ed
Time: July 18, 2013, 10:23 pm

Well offhand I’d have to say that the whole Affirmative Action-Welfare nonsense is going to last until the baby-boomers are no longer a political force. Then it’ll get chucked right out the window. Because the following generations don’t buy into it and nobody will have sufficient wealth to pay for it. So I hope people enjoy things while they last and take the opportunity to get some actual work skills because when the time comes it’ll be “Last check and that’s it.”.


Comment from Oldcat
Time: July 19, 2013, 4:59 am

According to Conan Doyle, inventor of Sherlock Holmes, there are cardboard cutouts of fairies living in the garden. The Cottingley Fairies.

What an idiot to be snookered by a couple of young ladies like that.


Comment from Dimas
Time: February 28, 2015, 1:25 am

Check that off the list of things I was cousnfed about.


Comment from Hasem
Time: May 2, 2015, 2:10 am

YMMD with that anewsr! TX

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