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Not me, yer Honor

In the thread below, commenter Brother Cavil kindly pointed to this item from Reddit. I took the liberty of transcribing it when it was bigger and more legible, because I’m pretty sure you won’t want to miss any of the details:

A PENSIONER pervert who kept a live STOAT for his “warped sexual gratification” has narrowly escaped jail.

Benjamin Wakeman, 86, pleaded guilty to three charges under the Wildlife and Countryside Act and two under the sexual Offences Act when he appeared before magistrates.

The court was told that his crimes were uncovered when he drunkenly boasted of his “stoat girlfriend” after boozing at a pub near the caravan where he lives in Peterlee, Co Durham.

An off-duty volunteer from a wildlife sanctuary overheard Wakeman’s boast and alerted the authorities, said Dennis Smith, prosecuting.

Nature chiefs launched surveillance at Wakeman’s home and after gathering conclusive evidence of stoat abuse they arrest the former forester.

As Wakeman pleaded guilty to the charge, full details of his stoat sex were not read out in court, though Sunday Sport understand the acts involved grease and his elderly arse.

Magistrate Dorothy Foster said “In 20 years on the bench I have never come across a case like this and, quite frankly, I hope I never do again.”

“You are a dirty old man who used an innocent stoat for your warped sexual gratification. In no small measure, your actions were motivated by loneliness and liquor, so I take that into consideration when sentencing.”

Wakeman was given a two-year suspended sentence, ordered to pay costs of £500 and a stuffed stoat — which he acquired legally — was ordered to be destroyed.

The stoat victim, which cannot be named for legal reasons, has since been released back into the wild.

Okay, okay…a bit of mickey-taking going on there. A lot of mickey-taking. Still, they can’t actually make shit up out of whole cloth.

By the way, I’m starting a band. We’re calling it Grease and His Elderly Arses.

Good weekend, all!


Comment from Weatherington & Fortescue, Q.C.
Time: December 12, 2014, 7:05 pm

On the face of it things look damning but Wakeman’s counsel has not yet addressed these allegations.

Mr. Wakeman was sold a stoat by a traveling band of international hucksters who convinced an 86 year old that this was not yet fully developed lemur.

It is a case of mistooksed identity and Mr. Wakeman needs a just recompense for the sufferink in the pillories of all-too easily swayed public.

Mr. Wakeman Is. The. Real. Victim!

Comment from Davem123
Time: December 12, 2014, 8:03 pm

One wonders if he ever took her out. On the town, I mean.

Comment from RealMc
Time: December 12, 2014, 9:31 pm

Hey BING has a white one posted today!!


Comment from mojo
Time: December 12, 2014, 10:17 pm

“conclusive evidence of stoat abuse”

The mind boggles.

Comment from Stark Dickflüssig
Time: December 12, 2014, 11:27 pm

He didn’t live in Florida?!

Comment from dissent555
Time: December 13, 2014, 12:53 am

“Still, they can’t actually make shit up out of whole cloth.”

You can over here stateside. You just need to sign up for the SJW Brigade over at Rolling Stone. For example.

Comment from Clemenceau
Time: December 13, 2014, 1:28 am

Having seen a nekkid Britisher fimmel, I am surprised the gentleman has not taken up carnal congress with the hedgerow hedgehog.

Comment from bad cat robot
Time: December 13, 2014, 1:52 am

I knew they were embroidering heavily on the truth as soon as I got to “innocent stoat.” Ain’t no such critter. 😀

Comment from lauraw
Time: December 13, 2014, 5:14 am


Comment from Ccs
Time: December 13, 2014, 5:23 am

I’m having trouble with “off-duty volunteer”, do you have a stoat police in the Isles?

Comment from Timothy S. Carlson
Time: December 13, 2014, 7:33 am

1) I don’t think it was stated if the stoat was male or female. Not that it matters, I guess.

2) If you wonder why some officers go off the rails and start batoning people – imagine being on that stake-out and collecting the ‘conclusive evidence’. Some things, once seen, cannot be unseen.

3) Don’t stoats have sharp teeth and claws? I wouldn’t want a stoat near my shriveled wrinkled tea-bag, not to mention my o-ring. Was there duct tape involved? Is Mr. Wakeman a long lost cousin to Richard Gere?

4) The abused stoat was ‘released to the wild’. Boy, what wonderfully horrid stories that stoat will tell the wee stoaties.

Comment from buffalone
Time: December 13, 2014, 10:37 am


As if a stoat sex slave would be a survivable situation.

Comment from EZnSF
Time: December 14, 2014, 3:28 am

Stoat Hammer.

Comment from drew458
Time: December 14, 2014, 6:09 am

Oh thanks a lot EZ. Now my brain has that Peter Gabriel tune playing in it, making me try to figure out the stoaty sex slave lyrics.

Comment from Pip-Pip Cheerio!
Time: December 15, 2014, 2:54 am

Good one on Grandpa Waksman!

Finally, a first good use for live stoat!

Comment from Stark Dickflüssig
Time: December 15, 2014, 3:31 am

A good use for a live mustelid: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeo5moeV254

Comment from Wolfus Aurelius
Time: December 15, 2014, 3:39 pm

3) Don’t stoats have sharp teeth and claws? I wouldn’t want a stoat near my shriveled wrinkled tea-bag, not to mention my o-ring. Was there duct tape involved? Is Mr. Wakeman a long lost cousin to Richard Gere?
Such was my first thought as well. Needle teeth near my personal jewels? Non, non!

Maybe that’s why sheep are supposed to be pretty good as, er, substitutes. They are a lot more placid. Or so I understand.

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