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That there is a rescue badger being raised by a retired farmer. She’s raising three on milk and custard creams. Custard creams are a kind of vanilla cookie — when you get ‘tea and biscuits’ here, the biscuit is likely to be a custard cream (or a digestive).

I knew an old man in the mountains many years ago. He was very nearly pure Cherokee Indian, and he surely looked it. He found a baby groundhog once and raised it as a pet.

He fed it nothing but Little Debbie’s Oatmeal Creme Pies. Nothing. But. Because the groundhog loved them so. After two years, it had a seizure and died.

Like, no shit. I think about this whenever confronted with the numinous red man, the archetypal Indian with his spiritual connection to nature and the land. Even a Neanderthal like me knows a groundhog needs to eat a fucking vegetable now and then.

There were more interesting stories in the news, but it’s April 1, so I didn’t trust any of them to be true.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 1, 2015, 8:49 pm

Dang, now I want a Little Debbie’s cake.

Did you see HotAir’s masterful April 1 trolling today? I didn’t get the joke for the longest time.

Comment from Bikeboy
Time: April 1, 2015, 9:05 pm

Oh, sure! That little badger is cute now (?)… but one day as an adolescent badger, it will turn on its farmer/caretaker and rip his face off with 3-inch claws!

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 1, 2015, 9:13 pm

Funny, those are the exact words she uses in the article.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: April 1, 2015, 11:33 pm

” Little Debbie’s Oatmeal Creme Pies”

I bet that’s what did in the Mastodons.

Comment from Stark Dickflüssig
Time: April 1, 2015, 11:42 pm

Just so long as you don’t put ketchup on it.

Comment from Bruno
Time: April 2, 2015, 12:37 am

So, is this an April fool’s story?

Comment from Some Vegetable
Time: April 2, 2015, 1:15 am

O, to be a baby badger
Now that April First is here
And whoever feeds a baby badger
Is sure to grin with a surly sneer
That eating Little Debbie Oatmeal Creams
Is a baby badger’s dream!
That the lowly worms and the brushwood grubs
Are just like skinny Jarod’s Subway Subs
Where you lose weight with tasteless chow
Nah, give that badger something wow!
And after April, when May follows,
His cholesterol builds with each swallow!
Hark, when his bottom is pear-shaped in the least
And he eats biscuits when he should be eatin’ clover,
Blossoms and dewdrops—are not for this beast —
Now he eats them biscuits every day; he gains his weight twice over,
Lest you should think he never could recapture
The first fine yummy tummy rapture!
And though he looks puffed with a jowl or two
All will be gay when teatime comes anew
The groaning table with little Debbie cakes piled in a tower
—Far tastier than a thousand melon-flowers!

*I’d apologize to Bob Browning but he’s dead…perhaps from poor diet?

Comment from everything is going to mustelids
Time: April 2, 2015, 3:26 am


You photo shopped claws on a piglet?! Who does that?!

Comment from SCOTTtheBADGER
Time: April 2, 2015, 3:45 am

Baby American Badgers are also cute: http://www.wildlifehotline.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/badger-007.jpg

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: April 2, 2015, 9:01 am

A fine set of claws on that beast! 🙂

Comment from Deborah HH
Time: April 2, 2015, 12:37 pm

Oh I loved the baby badger story. But the Metro—I wasted sooo much time.

Comment from Lipstick
Time: April 2, 2015, 2:25 pm

Stoaty, Late to this, but I want to tell you about what really helped me eliminate massive crankiness in the morning.

Preface: I am not into organic food, homeopathy, chanting, or any new-agey hopey-changey things.

BUT, a Vitamin B-1 pill every day has, against my expectations, caused an amazing transformation in the morning. (Basically, the former Mr. Lipstick read about it, bought a bottle and stood over me while I took it.)

Comment from mojo
Time: April 3, 2015, 4:27 am

What’s the big stink about badgers over there anyway? Fairly inoffensive critters, as far as I’m aware.

Comment from bastiches
Time: April 3, 2015, 6:33 am

Stark Dickflüssig –
“Just so long as you don’t put ketchup on it.”

Silly, no one eats hedgehogs so your point is ridiculous.

But if there were hedgehog hot dogs, ketchup would be perfectly acceptable.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 3, 2015, 11:20 am

I’ll bear that in mind, Lipstick. I once read that B6 helped you remember your dreams. Holy shit, did I remember one truly horrible dream after a single dose! Never again.

Believe it or don’t, mojo, the badger is their biggest wild animal here. And they carry the kind of TB that infects cows. And they’re cute. And they get run over a lot. Controversial beasties — farmers hate them but aren’t allowed to kill them, so they sometimes smack them over the head and throw them in the road to make it look like a roadkill accident.

And bastiche is clearly not an Elton John fan — “the hedgehog’s done in clay between the bricks”. It’s from Country Comfort. People used to do that — wrap live hedgehogs in mud and put them in the embers of the fire to cook. Very cruel.

But then, I suppose, they used to bait badgers, too.

Comment from Stark Dickflüssig
Time: April 3, 2015, 5:17 pm

But if there were hedgehog hot dogs, ketchup would be perfectly acceptable.

What, no sardines & grape jelly?

Comment from The Mad Soprano
Time: April 5, 2015, 6:23 pm


Comment from As If I Cared (now with caps!)
Time: April 10, 2015, 7:39 am

Damn, that sweet, sweet ill-gotten cash from Little Debbie sure buried that scientific study fast, didn’t it?

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