sweasel.com

I hate those prove you’re human Captcha things as much as the next webizen, but this right here is why they exist. When I went into work yesterday and logged into the office computer for the first time in four months, there were over two thousand of these waiting for me.

Don’t worry, I don’t have to go through them. I’ve had the work account forwarded to a gmail account from the beginning, so they’ve all been dealt with.

I get about a dozen of these every day, and I’d say one in a hundred is a genuine inquiry. Over time, I’ve learned to recognize which ones to biff unopened.

Henry Aduts is selling a get rich quick scheme of some kind, several times a day. Not sure what, I’ve never clicked the link. Some kind of bot.

Girl’sfirstname Rogers has a $3,500 commission check waiting for me, often. I just need to give her my address.

Then there are usernames that follow a pattern: normal first name, screwy second name and a couple of uppercase letters tacked on the end. GeorgIzzCQ. AnthonyBoilkAS. KenCreedmoremitPP. NatashaLag941EA. Those are always selling gross porn. And by gross, the only description I actually remember is housewife torture porn.

You can imagine why that stuck in my head.

So, using my vast powers of deduction, the only two on that list I had to open were Robbin Crookes and Eric Jones. Yeah, they were spam, too, but they weren’t nasty spam and there were only two of them. It helps.

The one that makes me laugh – well, rage, then laugh – is the one that goes “Webform spam works, and I can prove it! You’re reading this message right now!” Yes, I’m reading it and hating you for wasting my time, stupid spammer person.