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I have come to the conclusion I am below average :(

Hello, frens. I played my game instead of coming up with something interesting to post tonight, in a pattern that has repeated in my life for upwards of six decades.

I’ve come to the conclusion I’m quite bad at vidya game combat. I’ve hated boss fights increasingly in recent years and finally had to nerf this one right down to easy mode to beat the big battles.

I’m supposed to have killed, like, five trolls by now, but any trolls I find bound across the room and smash me to jelly with one good whomp. Humiliating.

I keep taunting myself that this is a game for literal children, but I’m not so sure. The game and the rig to run it properly are not cheap and I wonder how many middle schoolers are playing.

Also Deek, my house elf, has been told to teach me how to breed magical animals. He has instructed me to capture one male and one female Thestral and buy blueprints for a breeding pen.

I’m dreading this.


Comment from Durnedyankee
Time: April 16, 2024, 8:09 pm

During goofy aerial combat game (think Wacky Racers aircraft) the following conversation occurred.

“You guys keep swooping in and shooting me down! How do you know it’s me!”

“Because Dad, we see some piece of crap plane flying around randomly in the clouds nowhere near the fighting and we know it has to be you.”
“No dad! It’s up, up, left, down, to throw that spin kick!”
“Dad! Stop grenade suicide spamming!j And don’t camp the spawn!”

The only non turn based games I could play were ones you explore, figure out puzzles, or spend hours grinding for “mats”, and even then they’d remind me ” junk dealer” was not a character class.

I feels for ya Sweasy.

Troubling to discover that as a rule you are not in fact the hero, but rather the slow-running-pygmy found between the elephant’s toes.

Comment from QuasiModo
Time: April 16, 2024, 8:11 pm

Sounds too much like actual work!…they should have a ‘chill’ mode where you can just breeze through and admire the scenery and artwork.

The last fighting game I was good at was Left4Dead, that was quite a while ago now. I really liked a tower defense game called Defense Grid, that one was fun.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 16, 2024, 8:33 pm

Ah, there is one now, Quasi. It’s called “story mode” and I suspect it’s made specifically for games journalists, who famously suck (even more than I do!) at games.

I liked Left4Dead – was it really that long ago?

Comment from Uncle Al
Time: April 16, 2024, 9:26 pm

Oh, you young snipper-whappers! The last physical skill game I played and enjoyed was Breakout on the Atari 2600 console. It was released 46 freakin’ years ago in 1978. Did you know it was designed by Steve Wozniak?

These days, the only “combat” game I play is another oldie, Jellyfish Backgammon. It’s called that because it was created by a couple of Danish geeks playing around with early neural net stuff and they trained a net modeled after the jellyfish’s nervous system. Not that you’d ever notice any such thing.

What’s astonishing is that Jellyfish plays a pretty mean game of backgammon. Challenging and rewarding!

And when I call it an oldie, I mean it. The Jellyfish’s Help:About screen says

Copyright © 1994-1998 Jellyfish AS
Jellyfish AS
P.O. Box 477 Skøyen
N-0212 Oslo

The email address is loooooooong defunct, alas, or I’d send them a bread and butter note thanking them for designing it so simply that this ancient game still installs and plays reliably on a Win 11 box.

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