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Goodbye, little buddy


Feh. I shipped my lawnmower 3,500 miles, got two mows out of it, and — BANG! — hit a metal post sunk in the ground and totalled it. Bent the driveshaft. Complete goner.

It was old and nothing special, but it was one of those happy few, once-in-a-lifetime mowers that started on the first pull. Every time. Two months on a container ship across the frozen Atlantic in Winter, came out the box and started on the first pull.

It was mine and I liked it.

So I’ve spent a week disconsolately lookin’ at mowers. Everything we saw was very fancy and glossy and a minimum of £200 for an underpowered, no-big-deal, weasel-driven push mower.

I’ve taken the mowing on myself — it’s the one way I can harness my plant-murdering powers for good. I looked at those fancy sports-car-looking machines with all the complicated shit hanging off them and thought to myself miserably, “oh, how a weasel is going to fuck up that shiny yard candy.”

We hit one last place today — a man who repairs and sells mowers out of his home — and I spotted a rusty old job in the corner and fell in love. “Make me an offer,” he shrugged. Heh. Weasel’s got a new funky old mower.

Hey, dude had six cats. I know I can trust him.

Anyhow, I have to mark where that post is so I don’t hit it ruin another mower. So I came up with this thing. Uncle B says I’ll go to hell for this picture, so…ummm…I hope nobody’s had a recent bereavement or anything.


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: June 5, 2009, 8:26 pm

But Stoatie, How do you plan to do proper anti-vegetation mayhem without the latest model Binford carpetshredder 9,000,000 with twin supercharged fuel injectors and detachable steamed latte’ maker? You might as well just buy a sheep to keep the grass in check! 😉


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 5, 2009, 8:31 pm

I thought about a sheep. I really did.

Comment from dfbaskwill
Time: June 5, 2009, 8:54 pm

Just the runt of my mice litter. No big deal. It looks like the rest will make it to mouse adulthood, always separated by sex, but with running wheels aplenty. couldn’t have a better life even by PETA standards.

Comment from Scubafreak
Time: June 5, 2009, 9:00 pm

DF- That isn’t hard. The PETA “rescue” mission is reputed to have around a 90% kill ratio in many areas……

Comment from A Romantic
Time: June 5, 2009, 9:56 pm

I thought about a sheep, too. Sometimes I get lonely.

Comment from Randy Rager
Time: June 5, 2009, 10:11 pm

Meet ya there! You bring the chips and salsa, I’ll bring the whiskey. The real stuff. Single barrel bourbon. Straight from the bottle. None of that pansy ass Scottish crap. :[P

We’ll have a hoe down, we will, until Satan puts us to work with one of those old reel mowers.

Comment from bad cat robot
Time: June 6, 2009, 12:07 am

More to the point, how can you possibly take part in the lawnmower races unless you get one of them fancy sit-on-able ones?

Never mind sheep. I’m thinking of getting a goat. And if I can train it to attack on command, I shall be free of doorbelling religiosity and teenage magazine drives for life.

Comment from scubafreak
Time: June 6, 2009, 12:34 am

OMG, Stoatie, you HAVE to check this out…

http ://sean.gleeson.us/2004/11/27/new_mini_moonbat_fits_in_your_sidebar

Comment from Richard
Time: June 6, 2009, 7:02 am

When I was 15 and on holiday with the family, my dad bought a lawnmower in Texas. Couldn’t get one similar in the UK, let alone at the price. It’s still going, and I’m 36 now.

Comment from Sockless Joe
Time: June 6, 2009, 9:32 am

no-frills lawnmowers seem to be about 25-30 bucks more expensive than last season… I guess the American peso doesn’t get what it once did. Used to be ya could get a hunk o’ junk at Walmart for just under $100. Might only last two or three seasons, but then again my luck with mowers is that the $500 models don’t last much longer than that either, so may as well go cheap.

Comment from Войска ПВО
Time: June 6, 2009, 12:22 pm

..ahhhh, the memories of suburbia in the States on weekends when real men did their own yard work before the influx of the South-of-the-border-undocumented-businessmen with their unmuffled leaf-blowers.

Of course, the only real mower was a McLean front-throw (ahem) reel mower with a Briggs & Stratton 2-1/2 pony powerplant. Cut that old Santa Ana Hybrid Bermuda right down to the nub and leave a veritable putting green in its wake!

Also, dunno if you chaps over there cut your pitches like our professional baseball teams’ groundkeepers do here, but an artiste with a McLean can imbue the old front yard with that striated pattern just like the outfield in The House that Ruth built.

I love the smell of cut grass in the morning..smells like..victory!

Comment from Mike C.
Time: June 6, 2009, 2:36 pm

Once upon a time (over 20 years ago), I hauled my trusty Craftsman mower from OK to the Middle East (once I learned they had grass.) It served as the American Community lawnmower for about 3 years before it threw the rod, then that was that. That was after years of yoeman’s work chopping bermuda in OK. Hired a new gardener and told him to find his own mower. I sure wasn’t going to buy one of those embarrassing British combination lawnmower/hovercraft things.

Comment from Cant hark my cry
Time: June 6, 2009, 8:28 pm

I keep trying to think up some smart remark to make about that roadside memorial, but I just can’t. I mean, it’s like, y’know, perfect. Y’gotcher stuffed animal; y’gotcher flowers (plastic? yes? and maybe some live ones that can decay elegantly?); y’gotcher picture of the deceased in better times. Damn, you’re good!

Comment from Andrea Harris
Time: June 7, 2009, 10:45 am

Lawns are evil. Grass is a conspiracy between Satan and the Mosquito People. If I ever buy a house, it will be deep in the woods where the grass can’t grow. 🙁

Sorry — I had a flashback to past bad memories of raking up mounds and mounds of grass clippings that my father had just finished producing with our gassy beast of a lawnmower. All in the broiling Florida sun. My father was from Maryland and never quite understood that it would be better for the lawn if he left a nice protective layer of grass clippings on it. No, every bit of grass must be raked into plastic bags and put on the trashpile.

Comment from Enas Yorl
Time: June 7, 2009, 11:42 am

^Hahaha! I remember summers in Maryland raking and bagging grass clippings too! When I got old enough I was the one trudging around with the mower. We had a big back yard so it took a while. Eventually we got a mower that had a bag attachment so at least I didn’t have to rake it. It had a tendency to clog though and every once in a while you had to flip the mower on its side and scrape around with a screwdriver to get it ungunked. Good times, good times…

Comment from Mike C.
Time: June 7, 2009, 12:18 pm

Lawns are perhaps the worst boondoggle ever foisted off on the American middle class.

Wall-to-wall carpeting comes in at # 2, IMHO. Nasty crap, no matter how much it costs.

Comment from Allen
Time: June 7, 2009, 1:07 pm

Weasel, you didn’t get a hover type like the Flymo mower?

A Flymo guarantees good times, good times indeed. We had one in England and that baby survived for decades on this side of the Atlantic.

How many people could say they’ve seen a weasel hanging on to a hover mower?

Comment from scubafreak
Time: June 7, 2009, 5:53 pm

Hell Allen, if she wanted something that fancy, she could have just ordered one of these:



Comment from armybrat
Time: June 7, 2009, 5:54 pm

I agree, Mike C.!

Comment from iamfelix
Time: June 8, 2009, 5:27 am

Stoaty: Found this, via CuteOverload, and thought of you (of course). Sort of you & Charlotte in reverse. And I love your mower memorial.


Comment from Войска ПВО
Time: June 8, 2009, 6:27 am

Andrea Harris writes:
“Lawns are evil…If I ever buy a house, it will be deep in the woods where the grass can’t grow.”

..ummmm, or that could be Tucson, Arizona. Where one rakes pea pebbles instead of grass clippings.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 8, 2009, 6:38 pm

Okay, Felix? That’s so cute, I ’bout DIED.

Comment from Mikey NTH
Time: June 21, 2009, 2:45 pm

Ah, well. My dad got about 23 years out of his last mower. It developed fatal oil leakage, and so the old Lawn Chief passed. His prior power mower was an old (and I mean old) one he got from his dad for use at the cottage. That mower you wound up, and then turned a knob on the side to start it.

At home, it was a Montgomery Ward pushmower – perfect for the man with a small yard and three sons. And by “push” I mean the operator provides the power.

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