Saving the Great Hamster of Alsace
Some say the European Union is useless, but think again! Brussels is all that stands between the Great Hamster of Alsace and total annihilation. The Great Hamster (or European Hamster), Cricetus cricetus — an animal substantially less fictional than the Giant Rat of Sumatra — has been on the endangered list since 1993. At which point French farmers (presumably) stopped giving sweeties to children in return for severed paws and tails.
But the little blighters are still in decline. France no longer grows so much of the hamsters’ favorite foods — wheat, barley, alfalfa and cabbage — in favor of the more lucrative corn. Great hamsters fucking hate corn.
So what can the EU do about that? It can by-god impose fines on the French government, that’s what! €68,000 per surviving hamster, that’s what! If that doesn’t work, they’ll set up a training program to teach hamsters to eat corn. That’s what.
Y’all think I make this shit up, don’t you?