web analytics

I guess I never really thought about what the Bomb Squad drives…


Cramming for a test at fifty is like a dream come true. You know — the one where they read your transcripts and find you never REALLY finished Algebra and you have to go back to High School. Oh, and for some reason, you are in Study Hall in your underpants. That dream.

I’ve got the Theory part of my driving test a week from tomorrow. That’s a multiple-choice dealie plus a bogus ‘hazard perception’ test that probably sounded all high-tech and sciencey when it was first proposed in, like, 1995 (you press a wired input device charmingly known as a mouse!).

I’ve got a study DVD Uncle B very kindly gave me for my birfday and I’ve started the long cram. I have to answer fifty from a pool of nine-hundred-something questions, with 80% accuracy. So far, I’ve passed all the simulated tests I’ve taken using common sense, but I certainly haven’t aced any. And some of the questions make me wish there was a default, “no, seriously — WTF?” option.

Pelican crossing, my silky sable ass.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: November 11, 2009, 8:15 pm

The most surprising difference: there’s a whole section on first aid. Maybe they’ve relaxed the liabilities in the States, but my memory is that DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING, YOU FOOL was the only first aid advice I got.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: November 11, 2009, 8:17 pm

Oh, and zebra, pelican, toucan and puffin are all actual crossing types.

And there’s the obligatory, “you’re going X miles an hour; how many feet will it take you to brake to a complete stop?” Resolved: I shall blow that question.

Comment from Scubafreak
Time: November 11, 2009, 9:47 pm

Well, on the First aid side, remember two rules. NEVER move the persons head if they have a head injury or complain about neck pain, and always follow your ABCs.

Airway, Breathing and Circulation, in that order. Make sure their mouth and throat are clear, make sure they are breathing, and control bleeding.

Easy…… 🙂

Comment from d3ft punk
Time: November 11, 2009, 9:50 pm

Pelican crossing, my silky sable ass.

I was unaware donkeys had such a coat.


Alright, it’s my first go at it, what with the proximity to actual dryly–witted Britions. Give me a while to get my chops back, watch some Monty Python, remember old episodes of The Young Ones…

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: November 11, 2009, 9:55 pm

Don’t look at me, punk. I’m as American as an RC Cola and moonpie.

Heh. I always wanted to call somebody “punk.”

Comment from Allen
Time: November 11, 2009, 10:07 pm

RC and a moonpie… Speaking of which, the farrier showed up today and my hounds had an interesting combo for a snack. Horse hooves and squash. A lot of dogs like chewing on horse toenails, srsly. The squash thing I can’t explain, but my pooches love their veggies.

What is printed on the back of the bomb squad truck?

“If you see me running away, do try to keep up.”

Comment from bad cat robot
Time: November 11, 2009, 11:13 pm

I’m pretty sure that sign means that the rightmost planet in a binary star system has the right-of-way. And why name crossings after critters that aren’t even native to Old Blighty? (Plus, all but one can *fly* and hence have no need of crossings, period.)

Comment from Roman Wolf
Time: November 11, 2009, 11:49 pm

I guess that makes me as American as RC Cola and a mince pie.

Love RC Cola…but I always thought it tasted a bit more acidic than most other sodas. Never got into moonpies though.

Comment from JuliaM
Time: November 12, 2009, 1:54 am

The odd thing is that the questions bear no relation to safe driving. They are more like Trivial Pursuit questions.

Who cares if you know which vehicles use blue flashing beacons, so long as you realise that you make every effort to get out of their way, and not for the ones using yellow beacons?

Who cares if you can name the different types of pedestrian crossing, so long as you realise that you have to stop when they are on them and not simply drive through?

Comment from weirdsister
Time: November 12, 2009, 2:06 am

“As American as RC Cola and moonpie.”

No wonder we lead the world in obesity rates! Srsly. Have you ever seen how many calories are in a moon pie? It’s a ridiculously high number! I’ll stick to baseball and apple pie! LOL

Comment from David Gillies
Time: November 12, 2009, 10:59 am

I got either a perfect score or one off perfect when I took my theory test many moons ago. I flit the coop before taking the actual driving portion so I don’t actually have a license. It’s great. I can legitimately claim to be a non-driver on beach trips and sit in the back farting and throwing empty beer cans around.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: November 12, 2009, 11:27 am

Note to self: do not invite David Gillies to the beach.

Comment from Anonymous
Time: November 12, 2009, 1:03 pm

They drive on the left.

Thought you would want to know that.

Comment from Dave in Texas
Time: November 12, 2009, 1:03 pm

ok that was me

Comment from DJMoore
Time: November 12, 2009, 4:18 pm

Wait, in your dream you get to wear underpants to Study Hall?

Dang, you lucky stiff.

(Of course, the nightmare part of my dream is not only that I don’t have underpants on, but nobody really seems to care….)

Comment from Sockless Joe
Time: November 14, 2009, 2:54 pm

One of the questions I know I bombed on my Pennsylvania driver exam when I was 16 was Blood Alcohol levels. Because when you’re 16 the answer is irrelevant – for a 16 yr old the answer is zero.

Comment from EW1(SG)
Time: November 18, 2009, 7:46 pm


Well, on the First aid side, remember two rules. NEVER move the persons head if they have a head injury or complain about neck pain, and always follow your ABCs.

Better just to not move anybody’s head at all…freaky stuff spinal cord injuries.

Anyway, I always learned it as ABCD …something. Airway, breathing, circulation, drugs, and … hmm. I’ll think of it.

Oh yeah! Electrocardiomajiggy!! I always have a hard time with that one after taking the drugs…

Write a comment

(as if I cared)

(yeah. I'm going to write)

(oooo! you have a website?)

Beware: more than one link in a comment is apt to earn you a trip to the spam filter, where you will remain -- cold, frightened and alone -- until I remember to clean the trap. But, hey, without Akismet, we'd be up to our asses in...well, ass porn, mostly.

<< carry me back to ol' virginny