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The Uncyclopedia:

stoat molesting

How did I miss this? File it under “more things you discover while looking for a photo of Roger Ebert.” It’s the Uncyclopedia, a web parody of Wikipedia. I, of course, had to go to Wikipedia to learn the background, which may have caused a rift in the space/time continuum, whatever that is. Ummm…sorry.

It was started by some guy in early 2005 and quickly outgrew its first host. It now has tens of thousands of articles in dozens of languages. It follows the Wiki model of user-generated content, which is orders of magnitude dicier to do with humor than it is with factual content. Articles range from really pretty funny to not particularly funny at all, most appear to be largely unfunny with occasional bursts of “ha!”…but every single one is funnier than the departmental Monthly Highlights for September, which is what I’m supposed to be reading right now.

One recurring gag is rampant quoting of Oscar Wilde, “a man whose wisdom touches on nearly every conceivable topic, often without consent, which in turn has led to several lawsuits.”

Here’s part of their page on weasels:

The Weasel was first manufactured in 1967 by SONY as an incontinence aid and radar system. Its ability as a device to invoke zero-gravity (normally using bovril) fuelled its instant popularity and led to the GREAT WEASEL BOOM OF 1968

Weasels are reptiles of family muselidae and are honorary members of the von Trapp family.

Weasels are known to be more or less constantly engaged in family feuds.

Fossil evidence from a long, long time ago has suggested that the weasel is in fact a type of crocus (the band, or the flower) and should be classified accordingly as a member of family iridaceae, though the scientists conducting this research were nearing retirement and not very keen on being particularly correct in their conclusions. GOD, MY HEAD’S ITCHY!

Little is ever made of the involvement of weasels in the Gambino crime family, or their studio work with Sly and the Family Stone. Needless to say, “weasel” is synonymous with “family” in many walks of English life, except Wales, (a mythical country, thought to lie off the coast of Nova Scotia. Only accessible during a full moon, from the east), where weasel is spelled Llwchynghwyllio(pronounced luncheon willie).

The proper term referring to two or more weasels is a Limited Liability Partnership of weasels.

See also weaselpudge, weasel popping, stoat molesting and bacon mist.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: September 28, 2007, 9:24 am

Ohhhh…it’s a potato. I couldn’t work their logo out at first.

Comment from lauraw
Time: September 28, 2007, 9:36 am

Hee hee. There’s a fnord on the Bacon Mist entry.

Comment from Lokki
Time: September 28, 2007, 10:39 am

I rather liked this – found under Weasel Popping

The original Oscar Wilde maxim has made its way into the popular vernacular in schoolyards and orphans’ gulags worldwide (i.e. the English-speaking world) as a playful song. Over the years, the text has evolved. It is now filled with double entendre, as explained below:

All around the mulberry bush
This song is about heroin.

The monkey chased the weasel
The heroin addict attempted zealously to find his dealer’s phone number.

The monkey thought it was all in fun
The heroin addict thought it was a free sample.

Pop goes the weasel!
The dealer shot the heroin addict for nonpayment.

A penny for a spool of thread
Heroin is inexpensive to make, about one tenth the sale price of even a small amount of marijuana.

A penny for a needle
The equipment is somewhat inexpensive as well.

That’s the way the money goes
Significant profits are made by all parties involved.

Pop goes the weasel!
The dealer shoots people at random for no adequately investigated reason.

Comment from Lokki
Time: September 28, 2007, 10:50 am

Ah Friday!
Friday is the day when all wise captains sail forth on dangerous undertakings and adventures.
It is the luckiest day; the best day.
For it is the day of anticipation.
The day when we can look forward to Saturday morning Snuggling with our lovers;
Slowly preparing delicious meals and savoring them with wine;
Staying outdoors late at night to savour the full moon; Dancing naked under the stars;
Tasting the smokey flavor of our dreams.
Ah, Friday.
Soon our workaday cares and woes will be behind us for a few days.
A rest long enough to put down our burdens and ease our aching shoulders;
Rest our weary minds.
Tonight I will kiss my lover slowly, tasting the sweetness of her mouth…
Knowing that soon we will retire to lazy pleasures and sleep until we are ready for more.

Comment from Lokki
Time: September 28, 2007, 11:30 am

I guess I don’t need to mention that I have this afternoon off, do I?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: September 28, 2007, 12:01 pm

That was inspiring, Lokki. Incongruous seated next to stoat molesting like that, but inspiring nonetheless.

I’m dismantling my office and putting things in boxes. We’re moving soon. I’m dismantling my life, brick by brick. Weird.

I asked someone what to do with the stuff I don’t want, and she said leave it. They moved the department next door this morning, and within fifteen minutes, scavengers had looted the remains right down to bare metal. Cubiclemonkeys are like jackdaws.

Comment from Lokki
Time: September 28, 2007, 12:12 pm

What, you don’t have stoat molesting on your weekend “Things to do?” list?

Comment from nbpundit
Time: September 28, 2007, 4:54 pm

That is a good one Stoaty. Aren’t you glad tired
weasels get to restesss tomorrow? Heh™

Comment from BGG
Time: September 28, 2007, 5:41 pm

I love the Uncyclopedia. Sometimes you just want to read something completely crazy.

Comment from Hayward Moving Company
Time: August 19, 2012, 1:52 pm

We are a group of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community.
Your site provided us with helpful info to work on. You’ve performed an impressive activity and our entire community might be grateful to you.

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