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Dramatic chicken

It was one of those life-changing events: one minute you’re an ordinary housewife who pretends to be a weasel on the internet, and the next you’re the sort of woman who rubs olive oil onto a distressed chicken’s bottom.

Honestly, I don’t know why it never occurred to me that laying an egg might be painful, but Mapp screamed for three hours today trying to squeeze one out. She laid her first egg about a month ago, but she’s only been doing this awful shrieking thing for a couple of days now.

Afterwards, she brags on herself for a while and then goes about her business, apparently perfectly happy.

I don’t know if I have a hen with problems or a drama queen on my hands.


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: April 19, 2011, 10:37 pm

Stoatie Weasel, everyone! The world’s first Pollo Proctologist…. 😉

Or would that be Gynocologist?

Comment from Can’t hark my cry
Time: April 19, 2011, 10:37 pm

The two are not necessarily mutually exclusive. The secret is in teasing them apart. Good luck! Um. . .hope the eggs are at least edible?

Comment from jwpaine
Time: April 19, 2011, 10:40 pm

So, a little screaming? That’s all it takes to get a housewife to rub olive oil on your bum? Good to know.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 19, 2011, 10:43 pm

Screaming and blowing delicious, healthful snacks out your bumhole, jw. Do that, and the olive oil massage is yours.

Eggs are excellent. The eggs aren’t messy and her vent (ahem) looks healthy. It’s a really distressing sound, though.

Comment from Argentium G. Tiger
Time: April 19, 2011, 10:51 pm

Growing up on a farm with 200 chickens amongst the assorted livestock, I can attest that there will always be a few drama-queen chickens in the flock that just had to let every creature, far and wide, know about their accomplishment… Every stinking time.

Comment from Mike C.
Time: April 19, 2011, 10:53 pm

Trying to imagine just how cold Hell would have to get before I’d be rubbing anything on a chicken’s bottom…

I don’t think the Kelvin Scale goes that low.

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: April 19, 2011, 11:21 pm

Later this afternoon I just, ever so casually, remarked to Her Stoatliness, ‘Most people would have worn a latex glove’.

She gave me the gimlet eye and said ‘Oh, really?’

I made my own sandwiches for tea.

Comment from Armybrat
Time: April 20, 2011, 12:24 am

Oh, I dunno MikeC, once it’s butchered and plucked, chef and I have been known to rub all manner of stuff on a chicken’s rump. Live chicken? Well once that bad boy is butchered and plucked, I’ll be there.

Uncle B, I spewed my beer with that one!

Comment from Nina from GCP
Time: April 20, 2011, 12:35 am

Hey, doing that every day, she deserves a little drama. 🙂

Comment from Pablo
Time: April 20, 2011, 2:37 am

Trying to imagine just how cold Hell would have to get before I’d be rubbing anything on a chicken’s bottom…

Oh, I don’t know. I’m thinking garlic butter, perhaps with a bit of Cajun seasoning.

Comment from David Gillies
Time: April 20, 2011, 6:38 am

Yeesh. Like most of the above, I have rubbed olive oil on a chicken, but only after unpacking it from the cling film the supermarket wrapped it in.

I have a splendid picture of my sister’s cockerel posing atop a chicken hutch. That guy is an escape artist to rival Steve McQueen. No wonder all her hens look harassed. They lay enough for her to sell the eggs, mind.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 20, 2011, 8:56 am

I expect them to make a little noise after they’ve laid an egg, Argentium. It’s the hours of screaming leading up to it that gave me the willies.

Anyhoo, Mapp screamed when I put her to bed last night and she screamed this morning when I let her out, so I think it’s safe to say she has learned how to scream and she likes it.

Comment from moomar
Time: April 20, 2011, 11:59 am

Weasel, your salty oyster chips may have made the egg delivery a little dry and painful. Just a thought…

Comment from Mark Matis
Time: April 20, 2011, 12:12 pm

No moomar, that’s not it. The problem is the raspberry ice cream she gave them. SWeas – haven’t you Brits learned that you only put the berries in the ice cream? You’re supposed to leave the brambles behind…

Comment from Oh Hell
Time: April 20, 2011, 12:24 pm

Some of my goats are drama queens and they don’t even lay eggs.

Comment from steve
Time: April 20, 2011, 1:29 pm

She laid her first egg about a month ago….

So….that “begack heard ’round the world” would have been precisely coincident with the Japanese earthquake and tsunami….????? (And by “precisely coincident” we mean “more or less, but certainly well within the margin of error”.)

And now you have this Cassandra of all of chickendom , running around screaching her giblets off…. all the while attempting to decide whether to squeeze out or retain yet another “ovre de DOOM”.

And you think that it is something that can be cured by simply rubbing some massage oils onto her bum hole?

Comment from Sporadic Small Arms Fire
Time: April 20, 2011, 2:22 pm

Now, now, I think you should take a pill and calmly think things over.

“one minute you’re an ordinary housewife who pretends to be a weasel on the internet”

Chances are, you are a weasel who has electric dreams about being a housewife. That bunny you “found” in a woodpile, what did he have to say about all this?

Comment from Mark Matis
Time: April 20, 2011, 2:23 pm

Hey steve:

I guess we had ALL better hope that she never mistakes the bottle of liniment for the bottle of olive oil. Although I suspect Uncle Badger might be the first to know if she has a propensity for that befuddlement…

Comment from jwpaine
Time: April 20, 2011, 2:34 pm

Blowing delicious, healthful snacks out my bumhole might just be a deal-breaker, Weez.

…and while that train of thought suggests further rejoinders both vivid and visual, I suspect it’s better to simply move on to other subjects.

Comment from jwpaine
Time: April 20, 2011, 2:41 pm

I will note, however, in all seriousness, passing something out my bunghole that, comparative to a chicken/egg, would have to be the size and weight of a large watermelon would certainly be scream-inducing. Blowing it out my bunghole would be kinda cool, though, provided I could somehow get used to the pain, and some strategically significant range could be achieved.

Comment from Mark Matis
Time: April 20, 2011, 4:58 pm

For >b>jwpaine:

If you’re Stateside, I’m sure that Congressman Frank and some of his boyfriends would be GLAD to help you achieve your wish.

Just sayin’…

Comment from Christopher Taylor
Time: April 20, 2011, 5:58 pm

Just out of curiosity have you hypotized any of your chickens yet? Its a pretty easy trick.

Comment from some vegetable
Time: April 20, 2011, 6:18 pm

It’s sooo rare that I get to use this punchline anymore:

“My chickens are having trouble getting eggs out their blowholes”.

“Blowholes? Ahem uhm, rectum?”

“Wrecked ’em? Damn near killed ’em!”


Comment from JuliaM
Time: April 20, 2011, 8:48 pm

Some hens have all the luck:


Comment from Argentium G. Tiger
Time: April 20, 2011, 11:09 pm

Stoatie: I’m now in a mental-death-spiral mixing up the image of your Mapp with Gunnery Sgt. Hartman from Full Metal Jacket. “Let me see your egg face! AAAAUGH!! That’s an egg face!”

*shaking head* I’m just not right.

Comment from SCOTTtheBADGER
Time: April 20, 2011, 11:21 pm

Sunday night, I was approaching a small country dam, where in the spring, herds of ducks run across the road to the water, ducklings in tow. When I got to two farm sheds that they usually come arunning out from between, I flipped on the right alley light on the light bar, and there were two ducks, busy making a third duck. I felt like a pervert.

Comment from Christopher Taylor
Time: April 20, 2011, 11:24 pm

JuliaM: I think that hen has been stepping out on the rooster with a robin.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 20, 2011, 11:26 pm

I haven’t tried hypnotizing them yet, Christopher, but they do respond to being held and sung to.

There. I said it.

Comment from Sporadic Small Arms Fire
Time: April 21, 2011, 2:44 am

I shall take no second seat to anyone’s Gunny Hartmann quotes, but the vibe I get from the Dramatic Chicken countenance is very Cheech & Chong. Sort of opposite.

Comment from hemmersheim
Time: April 21, 2011, 10:32 pm

that eye ball made me think of nancy pelosi…….

Comment from Steve Skubinna
Time: April 23, 2011, 6:29 am

I’d try rubbing Tiger Balm on the avian bunghole. I think just one application and the chicken would STFU.

If that didn’t work I’d be leaving out cookbooks opened to coq a vin recipes.

Comment from Oceania
Time: April 23, 2011, 7:13 am

Do you have a hatchet?
Or a weasel …

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