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The Shit Computer

the shit computer

This thing is a…poo…analyzing…device of some kind. Shit Week continues on sweasel.com. I didn’t start the week with the idea of abdicating the blog to Uncle B and his master plan of septic dominance. But, as it happens, his life was full of exciting shit-related construction, and mine was just…shit.

Yes, the Weasel Acres Project is experiencing mission creep, as my real estate person took a look at the newly uncovered hardwood floors and declared, “yes, you’re right…they look like shit. Shall we get an estimate on having them refinished?” Oh, yes let’s. In this, the worst real estate market since the woolly mammoth quit the Great Plains for the happy hunting ground, I want to spend a bit more money making my pathetic property holding look merely awful.

Eh. Shit computer. Take it away, B!


Comment from Enas Yorl
Time: January 24, 2008, 10:12 pm

It has 9/1/08 written on the top. Is that the expiration date? You might want to consider springing for the extended warrenty plan.

Comment from iamfelix
Time: January 24, 2008, 10:44 pm

Poor Stoaty … having gone through that last year (forced), I can relate. In the realm of tractor pr0n, does this count? A couple years back I drove one of these at work for several weeks. I ate bucketloads of dirt, and got caught out in a huge huge huge lightning storm that scared the crap out of me.

Tonight I’m driving one of theses (but mine’s pumpkin-orange) (and loaded to gross vehicle weight).

Comment from iamfelix
Time: January 24, 2008, 11:48 pm

uh oh, the poo analyzer ate my comment …

Comment from USCitizen
Time: January 25, 2008, 3:31 am


How’s the move working out for you?

All the best.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: January 25, 2008, 6:58 am

More than one link, Felix. It’s deadly. You’re a heavy equipment operator? I think you’re about to become the belle of the ball at sweasel.com.

Eh, USCitizen. Not even on the market yet. My agent says not to worry, that property really is moving…if slower. Permit me to worry myself silly anyhow.

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: January 25, 2008, 8:44 am

Wow, Felix!

Don’t suppose you fancy swapping jobs, do you?

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: January 25, 2008, 9:01 am

Well… what can I say?

I burst through the hedge, all excited because I’d just caught a duck for dinner (as you do), to find Lord Drains standing there with a look on his face of mingled triumph and bafflement. Clearly, he was happy, because The Machine was making soooshing noises and, every now and then, chundering ‘ever so pure’ water into the ditch at the North end of the garden.

A. Badger: ‘Umm… so what does that digital read-out mean?’

Lord Drains: ‘Fucked if I know. There’s a book somewhere. I’ll give it yer. Umm.. when I find it’

And there we are, fellow minions. Apparently, that is it. I could have sat hunched over a roulette wheel at Monte Carlo and lost less in a week than I have spent here, so that mustelid poo can be…. well, that was the other thing.

For all the wonders of modern technology, The mighty Badger House Sewage Treatment Plant still has to be visited once a year by a man with a truck and no sense of smell.

He, it appears, ‘removes the solids’.

So, his prey now somewhat forgotten and rather bloody at his feet, Badger looked up at Lord Drains and said, ‘What… umm… actually happens to these ‘solids’?

Lord Drains smiled the smile of a man who wades in excrement for the sheer squish of it and said (and, truly, he did): ‘Hahahaha! You probably ate some for breakfast!’

He was wrong, of course, because, being a badger, I had broken my fast (such as it is) with a lightly poached moorhen, smoked over a bed of smouldering earthworms – but how was he to know?

Undaunted I pressed for an explanation.

Fellow minions. You know those trucks you see in country areas? The ones that carry away the ‘stuff’?

Did you also just sort of assume they delivered it by the truckload to a sewage plant ‘for treatment’?

Well, here, it seems, they do not. The ‘material’ is stored for a couple of weeks and then used in the fields. According to Lord Drains, they simply drill down a few inches and inject the shit into the ground.

So… let me get this right. We are forced (by government diktat) to spend half a year’s income on processing plants and shit computers… so that they can just spread the crap on the fields, anyway?

From somewhere, I hear the sound of a Chinaman laughing.

Comment from Gibby Haynes
Time: January 25, 2008, 10:09 am

As a matter of fact I did assume that they took it away to a treatment plant somewhere. Call me crazy.
So they put it on the fields eh? Arable fields? Huh. Well, I hope they at least deodourise it first.
I’ve just thought of another rationale for growing my own spudatoes.

Comment from Lokki
Time: January 25, 2008, 10:49 am

Wow…. good thing I eat a lot of fish and not many vegetables… I mean – nobody here pisses right into the stream, right?


Hello! RIGHT?

Damn, the quiet after I ask a question like that sure makes me nervous sometimes…..

Comment from porknbean
Time: January 25, 2008, 11:30 am

I mean – nobody here pisses right into the stream, right?

Do pools count? 🙂

Comment from porknbean
Time: January 25, 2008, 11:35 am

Er…badger, while the shit is stored for a couple of weeks, they do treat it, yes?

Biosolids –> http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/SS424

Comment from quark2
Time: January 25, 2008, 12:37 pm

Um…they do the same here, with fields used for crops.
Have been for many years. It’s been kept pretty much (not secret) low key. Mebbe that’s why some foods tend to taste
so shitty. Hehe.

Comment from porknbean
Time: January 25, 2008, 1:07 pm

I don’t have a problem with it so long as they treat it. Remember a few years back when investigative stories showed Mexico irrigating their fields with raw sewage?

Comment from Princess Bernie
Time: January 25, 2008, 1:44 pm

I took an environmental chemistry class in college decades ago, thinking of course that it was a total waste of time. But lo and behold, for a while I did work for a real estate developer and we owned a sewage treatment plant – and darned if I didn’t actually know how they work. Of course, yours is on a much smaller scale, but if it does what I think it may, it works as such (simplistically speaking, of course):

The waste enters the processing plant which probably does a bit of a chop, chop, chop to break down the first stage. Then it’s aerate, aerate, areate to allow the good bacteria to have enough oxygen to live while killing the bad bacteria. The solids are the dead bacteria’s little bitty corpses. The liquids that are dispensed are actually pretty clear of bad bacteria and the original “solids.” The solids removed from the tank periodically are not the original form of badger and weasel solids deposited in the system.

If you smell sewage odors, that’s an indication the system’s not working – as it is if you pass any sewage treatment plant.

Oh, and btw, my house has been on the market for 8 months and no takers. At this point, I’ve lowered the price to the point where I will be bringing money to closing – which, of course, I do not have in abundance.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: January 25, 2008, 1:46 pm

I won’t rest until I know what that thing measures. It’s live. The numbers are blank, but the decimal point is glowing red.

C’mon, B. You researched this thing. What does the poopometer do?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: January 25, 2008, 1:49 pm

Ugh, Princess B. You just made me do the buttcheek dance on my desk chair. I’m hoping being way down at the entry level will help, but my secret dread is months without a nibble.

We’re entering the market above my ‘break even’ level, but not by much.

Comment from Anonymous
Time: January 25, 2008, 1:50 pm

Ya know, I heard the reason your eyes burn in the swimming pool is from the urine, not from the chlorine.

Comment from jwpaine
Time: January 25, 2008, 1:51 pm

That last was me. Dunno why my info got wiped.

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: January 25, 2008, 2:11 pm

Thanks for he explanation, Princess Bernie!

Umm.. is it me or does this blog have an extraordinarily wide and talented minionship?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: January 25, 2008, 3:36 pm

Oh my gosh! I’ve found my presidential candidate! Cynthia McKinney is running for president!!!

No, now, hear me out…she’s technically a Democrat, but we all know her real party affiliation is Batshit Crazy. That loopy broad could bring government to a standstill.

Wouldn’t that be sweet?

Comment from Dawn
Time: January 25, 2008, 5:20 pm

I just bought a new house and my old house went on the market yesterday. Yikes Bernie – 8 months. I hope you don’t have two mortgages.

Cynthia McKinney! Puh-leez! She’s so embarrassing.

Comment from Princess Bernie
Time: January 25, 2008, 5:30 pm

Two mortgages on one house count?

Actually living with my wonderful fiance and he’s picking up all the housing costs at his place. I pay my mortgage(s), utilities at my place and buy some groceries for us. I’m doing bits and pieces of fixing up fiance’s place – painting, decorating, flower gardens.

My house is not entry level and that’s part of the issue. I’m in the moving up category, probably with children (4 bedrooms). Lots of competition.

I do have a new realtor who is really busting their chops, having an open house every Sunday and advertising like crazy. Not a lot of folks out in December and January.

Anybody interested in a lovely home in Kentucky, let me know.

Comment from Dawn
Time: January 25, 2008, 5:34 pm

Bernie – even ouchier – my house is 4 bedrooms. Just stop yourself anytime – kthx!

Comment from porknbean
Time: January 25, 2008, 6:09 pm

That loopy broad could bring government to a standstill.

YES! So long as they aren’t doing anything, our wallets are safe.

*what is it with obnoxious black broads complaining about poverty, posing in front of their big screens…remember the welfare broad in LA, sitting in her new porknbean subsidized house saying how she was tired of slum lords and leaky faucets and is pissed that she is going to have to start paying a bill…sitting right next to a big screen*

Comment from Princess Bernie
Time: January 25, 2008, 7:33 pm


Hell, that’s what got me through my D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Gotta do whatcha gotta do.

Dumpin that house is the last step to my loverly future.

Comment from Dave in Texas
Time: January 28, 2008, 4:14 pm

I don’t know what it does but it looks cool. That’s the important part.

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