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For posterity: the taxonomy of crystal-sucking twats

crystalsuckingtwat.jpgReligion. It’s one of the things I started this blog to vent about. Then it turns out my thoughts on the topic are conflicted. And boring. And — this is a little brain-hurty for an obnoxious atheist such as moi — more often than not I find myself sticking up for religious people online. There are so many excellent reasons to criticize a religion (starting with the core beliefs) that it gets up my nose when the religious are criticized for bogus reasons (the MSM’s shock and disappointment every time an actual Catholic is elected Pope, for example).

I have no such mixed feelings about the religions of the New Age. It’s one thing to believe the junk you were raised with; it’s lazy, but they get to you when you’re young and especially vulnerable to fantastical shit. It’s quite another thing to turn your back on the faith of your fathers in adulthood and embrace some wild-ass foreign cult or, worse, a bunch of stupid hippie crap made up in the 20th Century by a clown-carful of be-toga’d con artists.

Today — I forget why — I was looking for my favorite Usenet post, ever, and I was shocked to discover a Google search of “crystal-sucking twats” didn’t turn it up. Instead, it turned up me, stealing the phrase without attribution in a lowly blog comment. That ain’t right, so I went to Google Groups (formerly Deja News) and scared it up. Reproduced here for posterity.

This is an exchange between Matthew M Mckeon, who originated the phrase, and Ian Sturrock, who expounds upon it at some length. The newsgroup is alt.gothic.

Subject: Re: Praying Students Killed By Classmate 
From: a...@califia.sub-rosa.com 
Newsgroups: alt.gothic 

Matthew M Mckeon <m...@andrew.cmu.edu> writes 

<snip some interesting points> 

>       There are also hordes of fluff-brained, emotionally unstable 
>       crystal-sucking twats who involve themselves in paganism 
>       in the hopes that they can learn spells to hurt their enemies 
>       and that they will get ritual sex. 

Just to correct you on this one- the fluff-brained, emotionally unstable 
crystal-sucking twats are unlikely to want to hurt their enemies & get 
ritual sex. Rather, they want to 'heal' their enemies with 'glowing 
dolphin lurve energy' or something, and have meaningful tantric 

The ones who want to *hurt* their enemies are more commonly malice- 
brained emotionally unstable inverted-pentacle-sucking twats. 

The ones that want ritual sex are the cock-brained emotionally unstable 
middle-aged science fiction fan twats for the most part. 

These distinctions are very important if, like me, you have chosen to 
work in an occult bookshop-cafe & must know precisely which kind of 
emotionally unstable twat your customer is. So please get your facts 
straight in future. 

I did get to overhear the tail end of a fascinating discussion in the 
cafe recently between a bloke who thinks he's Satan (aging heavy 
metaller with bad tattoos & a penchant for hiring the plastic vampire 
cape from the fancy dress shop across the road) and a bloke who claims 
he's a Navaho Indian Shaman- from Ontario (geographically-challenged 
terminal bullshitter who was a martial arts expert last week- I guess 
he'll have graduated to Traditional Witch status by next week).
Deadly Ernest

June 7, 2007 — 1:55 pm
Comments: 54