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Help us, Zombie Reagan — you’re our only hope!

I don’t know what I’m going to do in November. And, you know what? I don’t want to talk about it right now. I’m sick and sore and bored with the whole thing, and there really isn’t any hurry. No matter what anybody says. This lousy primary season proves we’ve got more pressing things to talk about, anyway.

Conservatism is as relevant and important as it has ever been. So many of our bedrock principles — ideas like minding your own goddamned business and not taking people’s stuff away from them — are so basic that people are born believing them. It takes years of rigorous training to knock the conservatism out of a human being.

If our ideas aren’t resonating, it must be because we quit talking about them.

Somewhere along the line, Left and Right stopped arguing philosophy with each other and started jell-o wrestling straw men. Then we stopped arguing philosophy with ourselves. When our last guy proposed “compassionate conservatism” as if it were an actual idea, we should’ve known right there we had let things get badly out of hand.

If the Republican Party doesn’t remember what we stand for, we’re in a buttload of hurt. I know the GOP is not the Conservative Party, but it has been American conservatism’s most successful host organism. And the relationship is symbiotic: without conservative ideas, what exactly does “Republican” mean?

We’ve got work to do, ‘wingers.

So come! Let us rally under the banner of the last guy we felt really good about. Sure, he’s a little beat up, but he doesn’t look all that much worse than our current guy. Come on, people — we know what Zombie Reagan wants from us: hard work, sunny optimism and braaaaaaaaaains.

zombie reagan

UPDATE: Since this has turned out to be the Identity Election, I believe the time is right for an undead candidate. Got any slogan ideas for Zombie Reagan? Please join us in the thread and share. Let’s win one for the Kipper!

February 11, 2008 — 6:56 am
Comments: 71