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Peensch!

moar cat testicles!

What little weasel is the numero uno Google images hit for “cat testicles”? Uh-huh.

I was looking for a picture for Gibby, who isn’t sure what cat baubles look like. I’ll try to take a picture of that big orange bastard next time I’m at Animal Control (dude has a pair, which is undoubtedly how he ended up in animal control).

I owned a big orange bastard just like him once. Wonderful cat. Name of Norbert. He deserved a better name than that, but he was three when I got him and I didn’t feel entitled. First time I took him to the vet, the receptionist asked his name and I said, “Norbert…well, roughly.”

Oh, you guessed! Ever after, I got annual checkup notices addressed to Roughly Weasel.

Roughly was a wonderful people cat, but hell on other animals. Fought constantly. I inherited him because his last family went broke having him stitched up all the time. I made him an inside cat, and he still managed to get loose and get bust up fighting with a cat in the building.

So I take him to have this latest boo-boo sutured and it occurs to me…maybe — I wasn’t all that clear on the ordinary appearance of cat baubles myself — maybe he wasn’t thoroughly neutered. Maybe what they do is, like, little kitty vasectomies and they missed a snip. Or something.

So I say to the vet, “you know, he’s awfully aggressive. Are you sure he’s…ummm…completely neutered?”
And the vet snorts, crosses his arms and says, “pinch his scrotum!”
And I go, “WHAT?!”
And he says, “go on! Pinch it!”
And I go, “no, that’s okay, I trust your…”
“PINCH IT!”

Poor old Roughly is stretched out on the steel table with a big supperating owie on his back, and I reach out and honk his ballsack. He whips around and gives me a look like, “holy FUCK, lady! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!”

Honestly, though, if I didn’t know what cat testicles should look like, how the hell did the vet expect me to know what they should feel like?

Not long after, my mother’s vet invited her to be present at her own cat’s neutering (men flirted with my mother in the strangest ways). It’s a process the involves much pulling and twisting. Mother could describe the experience in a way that made grown men go white and shake like leaves on a palsy tree.

In conclusion: cat testicles!

sock it to me

June 5, 2008 — 2:30 pm
Comments: 50