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A smut too far

g'bye McGoo

Goodbye, McGoo! I mean, not literally. I’m sure the ‘sphere’ll have McGoo to kick around for quite some time, but it looks like Aardvarks and Asshats has joined the choir eternal. I reckon it was all them fake titties and Photoshopped butts wot did it, McGoo. Naughty, naughty McGoo. You boys’ll have to go elsewhere for your smut dose anymore. [UPDATE: looks like it’s working again. I know McGoo had an email in to them. Perhaps they had mercy.]

ferrets for obama

Damn it. Now I’ll have to edit my blogroll. And y’all know what a drama queen I am about editing my blogroll. Hey, while I’m in there — anybody want on or off, let me know. Drop me a note or post a comment in this thread and I’ll do that thing (specify moron, weasel or other). Fair warning: if I link your blog, I’ll read it and make inappropriate remarks on it. On the other hand, my blog gets…oh, hundreds of hits, some days.

The Glorious Lemur King sent me this lil’ feller on the left. I believe LK questions the political acumen of this mustelid — but, really, who seeks voting advice from a weasel? Nobody, that’s who. “Shiny stuff: delightful or thrilling?” or “Rat pie: too rich for every day?” maybe. Voting advice, not so much.

black footed ferret

I’m far more disturbed by this little BFF, linked by JuliaM. Black-footed ferret — the only species of wild ferret left, and hella endangered. In fact, they were believed to be extinct at one point, until the Smithsonian found a stash of them. (Is there anything the Smithsonian hasn’t got a stash of?)

So “yay” for the tiny weasel, I guess. Only…this adorable fuzzball was hatched out of ten year old frozen ferret sperm. Oh. Ohhhhhhh.

Frozen.

Ferret.

Sperm.

That is so very, very wrong. And it raises so many, many questions. I’d say more, but I don’t want my blog to get McGoo’d.

sock it to me

October 23, 2008 — 8:22 am
Comments: 76

Wherein Weasel applies for the Mark of the Beast

weasel gets the mark of the beast

On 25 November 2008, certain foreign nationals who apply for further leave to remain (FLR) will be required to have an identity card. The identity cards will contain the following information:

■ a digital photograph of the holder
■ a unique identification number
■ the holder’s name
■ the card expiration date
■ the place and date of issue
■ the holder’s immigration category
■ the holder’s signature
■ a list of restrictions and entitlements for the holder’s immigration category
■ the holder’s fingerprints (on a biometric chip)
■ the holder’s date and place of birth
■ the holder’s gender
■ the holder’s nationality
■ a codification of all of the above into a machine readable format

Biometric appointments will be made using a call centre. Each call centre will use a pool of slots to allocate on a first-come, first-served basis. The appointment itself will require a maximum of 30 minutes. For those who have previously enrolled, an appointment is still required in order to re-check the fingerprints and facial image. A local-rate telephone number will be available for employers and universities to verify that a given ID card is valid. The ID card is not a valid travel document.

If you didn’t guess from the retarded spelling of “center” this does NOT mean that the Bush administration is cracking down on illegals (though, FYI, the US is famously hard on our LEGAL immigrants.). No, this is one more thing to look forward to in Jollye Olde.

In theory, I’m all in favor of countries keeping a close eye on their resident ferriners. But you know what? There is no longer ANY sort of immigration control or restriction of movement or settlement on anyone from within the EU.

So, say for example your daddy was in the Luftwaffe and dropped shit on London for a living. Why, it’s all Willkommen, Freund, enjoy your new life in England. But if Papa was a Yank, Canuck or Aussie snoozing in the poppy fields of Normandy, it’s vere are your papers?

Sucks, is what that right there does.

This is in addition the biometrics that I will have to supply with my Fiancée Visa application, by the way. And guess what? The computer in London that processes those biometrics just shit the bed, moving the average application approval back two weeks. Plus, my buyer needs another week for mortgage confirmation.

So I didn’t make a big deal of the dates. Did you notice that? The ID policy goes into effect on November 25, my ETA was November 26? Hahaha…very funny, Yer Worship. Still hatin’ on a weasel. But that November 26 date is looking increasingly unlikely now, anyway.

And yes…I really do wear a watch with a standing weasel on it.

sock it to me

October 22, 2008 — 11:59 am
Comments: 46

Shut up with the ‘Fairness Doctrine’ scary monsters already

fairness doctrine would be the toothless

You know, I don’t like it when our side talks shit any more than when the other side does it. The ‘Fairness Doctrine’ is a busted flush, and everybody playing Scary Monsters with it should just shut up already.

You want the whole history of the Fairness Doctrine, go to Wikipedia. The Cliff’s Notes version: the Fairness Doctrine was a law that forced broadcasters to air both sides of any controversial issue. The effect was, broadcasters wouldn’t go anywhere near controversial issues. Reagan, in a series of maneuvers and vetoes, killed the Fairness Doctrine and the result (so the story goes) was Rush Limbaugh. Bring it back (so the other, bullshit story goes) and Rush Limbaugh goes away again.

The was law was ruled not to violate the First Amendment because it only applied to broadcast media. See, there are only so many broadcast frequencies, so it seemed okay to exercise a little government control over what they could say.

Pff! Broadcast media! Remember them? The rabbit ear dealie on the back of the tv with the aluminum foil enhancement? The coathanger jammed in where your car aerial ought to be? Broadcast TV and radio only. Oh, and teletext (ZOMG, they’re trying to take away our beloved teletext!)

Cable, satellite and the Internet? Untouchable.

Okay, okay…most of us still rely on broadcast media at least a little — particularly radio in the car. So let’s call the new Fairness Doctrine the Finally Making Satellite Radio An Imporant Accessory Doctrine. Or the More Political Podcasts Available on iTunes Law.

The last guy on earth this would affect is Rush Limbaugh, who signed a contract for a sum sufficient to bail out Fannie Mae. Broadcasters’ll damn sure find a way to protect their investment and keep that bad boy on the air, you betcha. The small fry will just have to blaze a path to new media a little faster.

What the hell? Go for it!

sock it to me

October 21, 2008 — 9:36 am
Comments: 111

Can one of you fiscal sooper geniuses explain something to me, please?

I keep reading that 40% of Americans don’t pay any income taxes at all.

Twenty six years ago, before I was a corporate little Eichmann, I worked part time, minimum-wage-type jobs while I tried to establish myself as a freelance illustrator. My total income, including illustration work, was under $8,000 each of those years (yeah, wow, did I suck, or what?).

I got a little money back at tax time, but certainly not everything that had been withheld. In other words, I paid income taxes. Teeny, tiny taxes in proportion to my teeny, tiny income, but it still hurt.

So, ummm…what gives? Does almost half the population really not pay taxes at all now? Or are they counting benefits against taxes and calling it a wash? Or has everything changed since I were a lass?

Money make weasel doesn’t understand good.

sock it to me

October 20, 2008 — 4:40 pm
Comments: 38

Stand by: posting will be psychotic

duct tape weasel
<--- (Must give a shout-out to my man the Duct Tape Bandit, my go-to images search whenever I need to wad something up in a horrible Photoshopped ball of duct tape. You, sir, are my hero).

The closing on Weasel Manor is still tentatively set for November 25, and it looks good, but we haven’t gotten an official, can’t-back-out lockdown on the mortgage. Hence, I haven’t touched off the chain events that cost monies, mainly the movers and visas. Settlement visas are running about 20 days from the New York embassy, assuming there aren’t any problems. Which is an assumption you cannot assume without making an Ass of U and Me (one of my first acts as a corporate artiste was making a poster of that hideous slogan and, believe me, it made an ass of me for life).

With best of luck, we close on the 25th November, pussycat and I fly out on the 26th, and arrive in Jollye Olde on Thanksgiving Day, the 27th. Which would be impossibly cool.

Without luck, my visa won’t be approved when I sell the house and Charlotte and I will spend Thanksgiving sharing a Quiznos turkey sub in a hotel that isn’t fussy about pets.

Either way, between now and then stretches a vast desert plain of paperwork, lawyers, banks, cardboard boxes and assorted other scary grownup shit. Scary grownup shit isn’t really my strong suit. I have heretofore carefully crafted my life to include an absolute minimum of scary grownup shit. When scary grownup shit happens, little bits of junk start rattling off the weaselmachine.

So I’m going to keep up on sweasel.com as best I can in the next six to however-many weeks — it will no doubt be a tiny island of joy in a frothing sea of loose poopy — but I’m unlikely to maintain my usual frequency and high standard of low comedy.

I’d particularly like to apologize to my blogroll. I make a good faith effort to walk down that thing every day, check up on you guys, and comment where inappropriate. But much of my precious surfing time will be consumed by the aforementioned SGS. Also, people who have stumbled over this site and link to me — thank you! I always follow up and check your site out in return, and one day I will again. Just…not until Christmas.

In closing, I’d like to say, OHMYFUCKINGGOD THISISSOMESCARYSHITRIGHTHERE AHHHHHHHHHH!!!

sock it to me

— 1:20 pm
Comments: 21

Somebody pleeeeease tell me what you’re looking for?!?

Here. Dionne Quints. Happy now?

In the past week, I’ve gotten dozens if not hundreds of hits on a Google images search of “dionne quints.” I did a post on them about a year ago, at which time two were still alive. A news search doesn’t turn up anything.

If one of you Googlies happens to wander back to the top of the blog, would you please let me know what the Sam Hill you’re looking for and why?

Also, while you’re at it, who Sam Hill was. It’d be a load off McGoo’s mind.

sock it to me

October 18, 2008 — 4:15 pm
Comments: 53

Ya, you betcha!

heinz ketchup packet

In the Summer before the 2004 presidential election, Jon Stewart interviewed John Kerry and asked him ”Is it true that every time I use ketchup your wife gets a nickel?” Do you remember this? Remember his answer?

“Would that it were, would that it were” Kerry intoned, squeezing the four syllables out his nose in a lugubrious patrician drawl. Any normal person would have chirped, “I wish!” but no…John Kerry had to go all Thurston Howell III up in there.

I still have a bug up my ass about this. Christopher Buckley. Heather McDonald. Peggy Noonan. These avowed conservatives have embraced Obama and/or rejected Palin simply because he’s a “would that it were” kind of guy and she’s a definite “I wish!” kind of gal.

And the problem with that is that “would that it were” is stupid. It isn’t clever. It’s not le mot just. It conveys the exact same sentiment as “I wish!” but not as crisply. It’s the kind of empty gasbaggery that regularly leaks out of a second-rate intellect that has been dragged through a first-class education.

It’s dumb. And YOU’RE dumb if you get so hung up on accent you miss the underlying ideas.

Every day of the week, chatty Joe Biden utters a thing so shockingly stupid it makes milk come out of Dan Quayle’s nose. Barack Obama says “pie” fifteen times in 104 seconds and it’s like he just yanked Excalibur out of a rock. The governor of Alaska says “doggone it” and she’s a moron. The verdict of dimwits.

You know what I really hate about our elites? YOU GUYS ARE NOT ELITE. You’re ruthlessly average. You’re second-raters who went to good schools, and you know it. You’re desperately insecure about your gifts and social position or you wouldn’t use big words when little ones suffice or yowl like scalded cats when a lady with a Western twang gets a seat at the head of your table.

Feh. I went to prep school too, my fellow assholes. Alma mater is no guarantor of smarts or ability. Or success.

Would that it were, would that it were.

sock it to me

October 17, 2008 — 10:30 am
Comments: 75

Math isn’t exactly my strong suit, but…

Obama and Biden keep saying that 98% of small businesses don’t make in excess of $250,000, but that cannot POSSIBLY be right, can it? It certainly can’t mean gross receipts.

Let’s say you owned a single McDonald’s franchise open 360 days a year (round number make Weasel happy)…that that would imply a gross daily intake of under $700. Ridiculous! If you ran a shift of five people for eighteen hours at seven bucks an hour, that’s $630 right there, just in wages. Plus materials, utilities, rent, advertising…

So what the fuckity fuck are they talking about?

sock it to me

October 16, 2008 — 12:24 pm
Comments: 43

Christopher Buckley is not a homosexual, but he sure is gay

christopher buckley isn't homosexual but he sure is gayChris Buckley, son of William out of Pat, has just come out for Obama in a fluttery lace hanky of prose as silly as it is frilly. Jesus. I thought this guy was supposed to be a good writer.

Why Obama? Because he’s a Harvard man, and Sarah Palin…my dear, need I say more?

See, Obama wrote two books, his own self, which everyone knows makes him some kind of superhuman brainal powerhouse (I wonder if Buckley believes Bill Ayers would make a good president on the same grounds), while Sarah Palin is a hausfrau.

So there you go.

Barack Obama. He of the crunchy fig-eating aquatic apes. The Obama who says “we are the ones we have been waiting for.” And…

“I’m asking you to believe. Not just in my ability to bring about real change in Washington…I’m asking you to believe in yours.”

…sentiments so semi-literate, crassly populist and light-bendingly vapid that if Sarah Palin uttered any such twaddle, Chris Buckely would surely suggest she put her time to better use cross-stitching them on an eskimo’s socks.

Oh, Buckley knows Obama is a lefty. “But having a first-class temperament and a first-class intellect, President Obama will (I pray, secularly) surely understand that traditional left-politics aren’t going to get us out of this pit we’ve dug for ourselves.” You got that? He thinks Obama is a pretend lefty who, when pressed, will acknowledge that leftism doesn’t actually work. That’s the kind of scary-smart analysis you can only learn at Yale, I guess.

Christopher Buckley (and David Brooks and Peggy Noonan and Charles Krauthammer and the rest of the inside-the-beltway brie-munching Republican cool kids) don’t know the difference between alma mater and smarts. They gots the Ivy League kidneys.

sock it to me

October 15, 2008 — 9:42 am
Comments: 80

…stand by…

My desktop computer has been burping and farting for weeks. My laptop OS died a month ago and the rescue disks are packed away in some box somewhere. I’m hanging on by an electron here. My best guess is, this machine’s got a RAM problem, so I ordered some new memory (y’all use Crucial.Com? They’re great…they scan your system and tell you what kind of memory you need and how much your motherboard can take and everything). It’s just arrived and I’m going to install it now.

In other words, you might not hear from me again.

If my machine survives this operation — what the hell? — I might just
upgrade to the latest WordPress and try breaking the blog. Because
what I haven’t got enough of at the moment is stress.

sock it to me

October 14, 2008 — 4:45 pm
Comments: 15