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The Muzeum of Beanz

Jack and I got exiled to the kitchen yesterday for bad behavior, so I organized the canned goods cabinets. Words are inadequate to describe how astonishing it is that I might organize a kitchen cabinet. My housekeeping, it is below average.

Lookit — turns out, in aggregate, we have a whole cabinet’s worth of Heinz beans. Excuse me, “beanz.” They’re likely to last a while, too. I’ve finally plucked up the courage to tell Uncle B that the answer to the question, “would you like a few beans with dinner?” is not merely “no” but “honestly, no.”

Anyways, MacDonald’s is throwing a corporate snit. After forty years of Heinz ketchup, MacDonald’s is dropping them because — get this! — the new CEO of Heinz is the old CEO of Burger King. Word.

Pretty thin gruel of a blog post, I admit, but we were exiled again. If this keeps up, I’m in danger of having a clean kitchen.


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: October 31, 2013, 12:19 am

The observant (um, not in the Jewish sense) will notice a can there labelled ‘Branston’.

A year or so ago there was a huge flurry of nonsense about how they had a new recipe that outdid Heinz.

It does not. They are horrible. If someone wants a tin of Branston beans, let me know.

Meanwhile, in a study a few years ago, it was discovered that Heinz beans are the most fartiferous on the market. Yes, really. Someone paid academics to research this.

Ain’t edukashun a grand thing?

As you can tell, I am quite unrepentant.

After all… The Stoat hasn’t shown you her shelf of horesmeat chilli….

Comment from Pupster
Time: October 31, 2013, 12:26 am

So…the beanz came with the cottage?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 31, 2013, 12:29 am

Oh, no. Uncle B keeps bringing the damn things in the house.

Comment from JeffS
Time: October 31, 2013, 12:38 am

“Meanwhile, in a study a few years ago, it was discovered that Heinz beans are the most fartiferous on the market. ”

From my childhood, a poignant ditty:

Beans, beans, the magical fruit!
They make your rear end go tooty toot toot!

Well, it’s poignant to me!!


Comment from steve
Time: October 31, 2013, 12:43 am

For all the Heinz Beans, you need to make some room on that shelf for B&M Brown Bread

Comment from EZnSF
Time: October 31, 2013, 1:07 am

I seem to remember that baked beans came with a can of brown bread attached to the bottom. This was in the 60s or 70s. I always thought that can of bread was the best part of dinner. I’ve haven’t seen the can combo in a store for 40+ years.

I’ve actually made homemade baked beans before. It’s easy and far better than anything canned. Probably even better with a chunk of horse fat thrown in.

Comment from Some Vegetable
Time: October 31, 2013, 1:15 am

I know I’m odd and a poor reader too, but even moving my lips I had a lot of trouble comprehending this sentence from that McDonald’s article:

“McDonald’s uses the ketchup at many stores around the world, though only in Pittsburgh and Minneapolis inside the US.

I understand the individual words, but are they saying that McDonalds does not use Heinz ketchup in the US except for two cities??? Can that possibly be true? I’ve haven’t been to McDonalds in probably 7 or 8 years, so I can’t disprove the craziness of this statement personally. I just always assumed that mandatory use of Heinz ketchup was on that third tablet that Moses dropped.”Thou shalt have no other catsups before me!

Along with thou shalt eat only Heinz Beanz in the King James version of the tablets no doubt.

Comment from Uncle Al
Time: October 31, 2013, 1:23 am

@JeffS – Hey, that doesn’t scan. Are you sure about “rear end” or could it be “butt” or “ass”?

I learned an alternate version:

Beans, beans, the musical fruit.
The more you eat, the more you toot!

I’ve never understood why people like Heinz beanzs when Goya frijoles negros are so much better and less expensive to boot.

I’ll admit to an adolescent fascination with the Maja Desnuda by the famous Spanish artist Francisco Goya but I doubt that has anything to do with my appreciation for Goya beans.

Comment from Feynmangroupie
Time: October 31, 2013, 1:27 am

JeffS, I learnt’it different:

Beans, Beans, the musical fruit
The more you eat the more you toot

The more you toot
The better you feel

So, eat some beans,
and let ‘er squeal!


I was actually expecting a Museum of Beanz…cuz normally that is how you (and The English) roll. I feel let down 🙁

Comment from jic
Time: October 31, 2013, 1:33 am

It seems like a silly reason to drop Heinz, but it’s a completely mediocre ketchup anyway. Hellmann’s beats it hands down.

Comment from Paula Douglas
Time: October 31, 2013, 1:45 am

Al: Because frijoles negros aren’t packed in a sauce of brown sugary goodness.

My boyfriend won’t buy Heinz products of any kind because Democrats.

Seems to me like I’ve had Heinz ketchup packets from McDonald’s before, and I’ve never been to one in Pitt or Minneapolis. And I’m pretty sure that the fistfuls of Heinz packets in the glove compartment of my aunt’s car came from McDonald’s. But maybe I’m thinking of BK. Who wrecks McDonald’s fries with ketchup, anyway?

Comment from Deborah
Time: October 31, 2013, 1:48 am

My pantry is a wreck. Maybe I’ll work on it tomorrow. I need to inventory the spices before the holidays or I’ll end up buying more ginger when I need poultry seasoning instead.

Comment from JeffS
Time: October 31, 2013, 2:26 am

That’s the version I learnt as a youngling, Uncle Al and Feynmangroupie. I admit, your versions are better. 😀

Comment from Set up Autofill
Time: October 31, 2013, 2:34 am

Is Rupert Branston this strange wealthy dude who wanted to share a spliff at Choom House after Barry’s fundraiser? I was thinking records, airlines, phones and a rocket but maybe he has his paw in bean cannery too.

Any swinging housewife can clean a pantry (not that they frequently do). To organize an ammo dump, sort hoarded 2nd Amendment Tackle, clean around the lathe and welding supplies, now that takes organization, talent and experience in logistics.

Not that wimmenfolk cannot be helpful. There are sandwiches to be made, phones answered, FedeX guy needs a signature, this that and the other.
Wimmen. Without them, the worldwide market for handbags, shoes and chocolate would fold. And it would take us a while to crank up son cloning to industrial scale.

Comment from Feynmangroupie
Time: October 31, 2013, 2:34 am


You owe me a soda, Uncle Al ;D

Comment from Nina
Time: October 31, 2013, 3:31 am

Beans, beans, the magical fruit
The more you eat the more you toot.
The more you toot the better you feel,
So let’s eat beans for every meal!

Nina’s childhood version.

Apparently I just made an injudicious move that annoyed a cat, as 4 claws were just inserted into that flimsy bag that surrounds all the meat I’m made of. Uh oh…if you don’t hear from me by tomorrow, send Meow Mix.

Comment from Argentium G. Tiger
Time: October 31, 2013, 4:02 am

Dropping Heinz Ketchup might well be a mistake for McDonalds. You don’t change a key ingredient on core menu items lightly.

Comment from thefritz
Time: October 31, 2013, 1:00 pm

Since Salsa has overtaken ketchup as the condiment of choice in the US this entire post is rotten tomatoes.

Comment from Wolfus Aurelius
Time: October 31, 2013, 1:10 pm

Nobody’s mentioned this. Whose bad behavior was it that got you and Jack exiled to the kitchen??

Comment from Anonymous
Time: October 31, 2013, 1:35 pm

In Barry Lyndon’s days, it was the dangerous, clever and swashbuckling Captain Feeney.

Now in the blighted days of Gordon Brown and metrofeckshual Cameroon, it is Captain Beany.

From Planet Beanus.


Comment from Deborah
Time: October 31, 2013, 2:03 pm

Branston Beans—for some lucky Trick or Treater tonight 🙂

Comment from Davem123
Time: October 31, 2013, 2:41 pm

Uncle Badger- “her shelf of horesmeat chilli….”

Did you transpose the E and S, or forget the W at the start of the word? Inquiring minds want to know.

Nina- In the part of the midwest where I grew up that little ditty used the phrase “musical fruit”, not magical. That change cleverly ties into the whole tooting thing.

Comment from David Gillies
Time: October 31, 2013, 3:41 pm

Our version was “Beans, beans, good for your heart/The more you eat, the more you fart” etc..

I too want to know what bad behaviour led to the banishment. I have visions of Weasel and Kitten sheepishly filing out of the living room after having been discovered in an act of mildly destructive badness, like miscreant toddlers.

Comment from Anonymous
Time: October 31, 2013, 3:44 pm

Hare’s Meat, mustelid staple.
In the absence of hares, any… fluffy… small mammal will suffice. Or a flightless bird.

They ain’t fussy, no sirree. Takes a lot of protein to fuel up the predator’s version of a hummingbird.

Comment from Rich Rostrom
Time: October 31, 2013, 5:11 pm

Set up Autofill @ October 31, 2013, 2:34 am:
Is Rupert Branston this strange wealthy dude who wanted to share a spliff at Choom House after Barry’s fundraiser? I was thinking records, airlines, phones and a rocket but maybe he has his paw in bean cannery too.

No, that’s Sir Richard Branson. No T. He does have an unusual array of interests. But then, for a while the trash from my building was being hauled by a French media conglomerate. Really.

Comment from JuliaM
Time: October 31, 2013, 6:07 pm

Oh, it’s GOT to be Heinz! Excellent on toast, and I always chuck a small can in when making lamb shank stew.

Comment from Gibby Haynes
Time: October 31, 2013, 6:48 pm

They’re building a McDonald’s where a Little Chef used to be, about 45 seconds (by sprint) from my house. The fact that they’re not using Heinz tomato ketchup any more won’t take away from how awesome that is.

I know their food is insipid-bland, unhealthy, and looks like it was prepared by someone with dementia, but sometimes it’s just funny to stroll in there with a head full of illegal chemicals, wearing your gym gear, and order 5 Big Macs, and when they’re looking at you like they’re expecting you burst into hysterics, say, ‘Oh and a chocolate milk shake.’

Then you pay by debit card, get your pin number wrong twice successively, and just as their hand is hovering over the panic button that isn’t there, get it right, and say, ‘Can we make this quick, please? I’ve got important business to attend to.’

I would have preferred a Burger King because their fries are slightly less shit, but under the circumstances, you have to make do with what you’ve got.

Holy shit. Baked beans with pork sausages? What are you, royalty?

I think I’ve tried the Branston baked beans. The fact that I can’t remember what they were like says a lot.

Their brown sauce is garbage too. HP could knock it right the fuck out just by looking at it.

Comment from Rowan Branstinkson
Time: October 31, 2013, 9:56 pm

I, and only me, shall be the True Mr. Bean™ forevermore.

Comment from Pupster
Time: October 31, 2013, 11:02 pm

*slowly backs away from Gibby*

Comment from Jim Morrison
Time: October 31, 2013, 11:10 pm

You men eat your dinner
Eat your pork and beans
I eat more chicken
Than any man ever seen, yeah, yeah!

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: November 1, 2013, 12:24 am

Something has gone badly wrong with Burger King in the UK. The food is always cold.

Comment from Anonymous
Time: November 1, 2013, 1:18 am

Maybe they try to reduce their carbon footprint. Because, polar bears.

Comment from Spad 13
Time: November 1, 2013, 1:55 am

I think Gibby has been possessed by the ghost of Hunter S Thompson.

Or maybe it’s the mushrooms.

Wait til he sees the bats.

Comment from Stark Dickflüssig
Time: November 1, 2013, 6:09 am

Yeah, I soak my own beans. I’d grown ’em myself, but I ain’t got a patch. Shit from a can, pshaw!

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: November 1, 2013, 11:29 pm

Spad 13 I’m just waiting for the moment when we screech to a halt, turn to him and intone “We’re not like the others. We’re your frieeeeeends”

And a pox on Johnny Depp for his crap version.

Comment from Captain Beany
Time: November 9, 2013, 12:08 am

There is a baked bean museum in the United Kingdom!


I know, cos’ I am the curator!

Captain Beany 🙂

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: November 9, 2013, 12:38 am

Holy cow, you guys — it’s Captain Beany! It’s an honor, Sir!

Comment from Captain Beany
Time: November 12, 2013, 5:38 pm

Hi S.Weasel!

If you love baked beans …. please feel free to visit his other wacky website – http://www.captainbeany.com.

Comment from pick 6 horse racing
Time: October 21, 2014, 2:23 am

continuously i used to read smaller posts that also clear their motive, and that is also happening witth this
paragraph which I am reading here.

Comment from Nadeepa
Time: February 19, 2015, 11:37 pm

KatyPosted on March 20, 2013 at 9:52 pmThis seems like a great idea and something I’ve srtetad to do already as times have become tighter for cash. I used to make fab nachos with doritos and all their dips and salsas, but I really have become fond of sainsburys own tortilla chips, they taste a lot better than doritos and are about 50p for the same sort of size bag! I also had a great idea to reuse some t shirts as i had seen an idea online; and have made tassles on them for my holiday this summer. You just snip the bottom into strips then knot, great way to use what you already have!

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