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This important news from Great Britain


Beginning tomorrow, supermarket giant Tesco will cease to sell curved croissants in favor of straight ones, on account of Britons are too retarded to put butter on non-rectilinear objects. Or something.

I think Trading Standards should make Tesco sell them as “straights”, since the crescent shape is integral. Legend has it, they were invented in 1683 to celebrate the defeat of the Turks in the Siege of Vienna, the crescent shape in imitation of the Turkish flag.

Hm. Perhaps this is a sop to our Muslim friends. Or maybe — just maybe — it’s more efficient to make straight pasteries than curved ones, on an industrial scale.

Why we butter them at all is a mystery. Have you ever seen croissants being made commercially? There’s more butter than flour!


Comment from bikeboy
Time: February 18, 2016, 9:12 pm

“Blunts.” (They kinda look like huge Bob Marley joints.)

Comment from Skandia Recluse
Time: February 18, 2016, 9:38 pm

Look like periwinkles

Comment from Subotai Bahadur
Time: February 18, 2016, 11:05 pm

I don’t think it is any real difference in making them. I know of a Krogers, a Safeway, and a Walmart within rock throwing distance who produce croissants in fairly large numbers in their store bakeries.

I would guess it is either not to remind both Britons and Refug-jihadi’s that sometimes the Muslims lose, or that someone spiked an EU bureaucrat’s punch with a hallucinogenic substance and they ruled that only Frenchmen can make croissants.

Comment from P2
Time: February 19, 2016, 12:11 am

Someone prob’ly did the math, figured out they use less dough to make em straight and therefore save 2 pennies on each one. They won’t drop the pricing any so Tesco pockets the eleventy billion quid they’ll make in extra profit. Marketing weenies will come up with some PC bull about how they’re going back to the original shape from when the things were conceived back in the Dark Ages and it’s all very retro…..

Comment from Feynmangroupie
Time: February 19, 2016, 12:30 am


They are adding the primary butter to the dough. You gotta add the auxiliary butter to acquire the appropriate flour/water/butter ratio. This is what they really meant when they discovered the Golden Ratio.

Comment from BrendaM
Time: February 19, 2016, 12:40 am

“With the crescent shaped croissants, it’s more fiddly and most people can take up to three attempts to achieve perfect coverage, which increases the potential for accidents involving sticky fingers and tables,”

On the bright side, no taxpayer money was used in the study.

Comment from Deborah HH
Time: February 19, 2016, 1:28 am

“With the crescent shaped croissants, it’s more fiddly and most people can take up to three attempts to achieve perfect coverage, which increases the potential for accidents involving sticky fingers and tables,” he said.

I call Bright Sunshine on Tesco. A Nation that eats green peas balanced on the backside of a FORK can’t spread jam on their curved croissants without making a mess? I think Tesco has been blackmailed.

Comment from Crabby Old Bat
Time: February 19, 2016, 1:28 am

This just made my literal-minded brain cringe in pain. “Croissant” is French for “crescent,” so Tesco just announced that it henceforth will sell “straight crescents.” Well, good luck with that. Gonna make ’em with sodium-free sea salt and dairy-free genuine butter?

Comment from feynmangroupie
Time: February 19, 2016, 2:01 am

Well, we have dairy-free creamer,meat-free hotdogs, and gender-free people herein the US so hey a straight croissant barely registers on the scale of wtf-ery these days

Comment from Tom
Time: February 19, 2016, 11:20 am

If they’re going to be straight should they not be called ‘rectilignes’* perhaps?

Two further thoughts, butter? on a croissant? Jam baby, jam all the way; and if you can’t handle putting butter on a curved pastry perhaps you should stick with food that’s less challenging, pudding cups maybe? Or would the foil seal on top foil the snowflake’s ability to get at the goods?

*from Google Translate so possibly not correct, I’m not a French speaker. I tend to grunt in a gallic manner and point and that’s served me well so far.

Comment from mojo
Time: February 19, 2016, 3:04 pm

See, this here is why I’m a bisquit man.

Comment from Deborah HH
Time: February 19, 2016, 4:50 pm

Mojo is right. I made croissants—once. I was a young bride with a new cookbook. Husband wondered out-loud (a mistake—but he was a young husband) why I spent so much time and grief on Cross Ants when I could have made biscuits.

Comment from Deborah HH
Time: February 19, 2016, 5:47 pm

Skillet article via Lifehacker—how to make your own gin using vodka, how to infuse gin, et cetera. Maybe Uncle B will grow a juniper tree for you.


Comment from Lazlo
Time: February 20, 2016, 1:29 pm

This is because Muslims know that the Croissant was made to celebrate the defeat of the Muslims at the battle of Tours.
The ‘Crescent’ must now be banned due to its offense of the new invaders.

Comment from Nina
Time: February 21, 2016, 10:32 am

I’m sure it’s a muslim thing. Bet a nickel it is.

Comment from J.S.Bridges
Time: February 21, 2016, 6:49 pm

Mmm-m-m, croissants…

(Relatively) Brief story: Quite some years ago, I was working in Raunheim, Germany, a rather small burg somewhat-exurban to Reusselsheim, the home-location of Opel Automotive – I was on-contract at an automotive-supplier of engineering services (another story, but the less digression the better, yes?). There was an elderly lady who worked there, part-time in the afternoons, as a custodian in the offices, whose second job (in the mornings) was at Opel’s staff employees’ and tour center in Reusselsheim, a couple of stops up the rail line – she worked as kitchen-help for the cafeteria and open-to-the-public coffee shop. Often, when she would arrive (around noon or a bit later) at our workplace, she would bring a biggish bag of fresh-made-that-day breakfast croissants – since she (among other things) helped make them, she had sorta-first call on the “excess production” (read: she – and the other folks in the kitchen – made as many as they could get away with…so – there was always “excess” produced)…

Nothing quite like fresh-made, buttery (they oozed with it!) croissants, maybe with some nice fruit jam, to perk up your midday meal. Beats even the bestest homemade biscuits evah! Lotta work to make, tho –

Curved or not, machts nichts – melt-in-the-mouth dee-licioso! (Them being free didn’t hurt a bit, either)

Comment from tibby
Time: February 22, 2016, 8:25 pm

You add the butter because, BUTTER!!! yum.

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