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I want to decide who lives and who dies


I have no idea where I saw this, but today is National I Am In Control Day. It’s said to date from the day Reagan was shot, before Bush was sworn in, and Sec’y of State Al Haig declared, “As of now, I am in control here in the White House.”

Then they go on to ruin it by suggesting we celebrate by making lists and using a daily planner.

Pff! Please.

I want the ability to administer small, painful, non-lethal electric shocks with my mind. So when my boss says, “I suppose next time you’ll remember to order a backup printer cartridge,” the next thing she says is, “oh, OW! Wow, what the…?”

I want to be able to reverse the energy coming out of a car stereo, so the signal bounces back and blows it up. In proportion to the strength of the sound, so that guy with the thumping bass lit’rally sees his stereo explode in a shower of metal and sparks all over the inside of his hoopty.

I want prescription drugs legalized, so I can do my own research, decide what (for example) blood pressure meds I should try and prescribe them for myself. And if I screw it up…well, I’m a grownup. I’ll take responsibility. (Okay, this one’s boring, but I really want it).

I want a lot of other things I can’t say out loud. Anything mentionable on your wish list?


Comment from Deborah HH
Time: March 30, 2016, 9:50 pm

Oh yeah—I want a car stereo killer. Law enforcement agencies have some sort of electronic pulse gizmo they can use to fry a car’s electrical system, so I guess that would work. But apparently you must have credentials (ha) to buy one.

(Does Uncle Badger grow watermelons? Watermelons help lower blood pressure and act as a natural diuretic.)

Comment from Skandia Recluse
Time: March 30, 2016, 10:07 pm

Buddha says ‘want causes suffering’

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 30, 2016, 10:22 pm

No watermelons. Take too gosh darn much watering

Weasel says: like lack of want causes anhedonia. Or, “if you don’t want anything, Christmas sucks.”

Comment from bad cat robot
Time: March 30, 2016, 11:58 pm

I want it legal to hunt down the people who use robocallers. As in, no human is involved in the communication so you don’t even have the thereputic value of yelling at them.

Furthermore, I want Whack-a-pol day. Stand down, NSA. I mean swatting with a rolled-up newspaper, like a naughty puppy. Once per year, a constituent shall be allowed one solid thunk with said rolled-up newspaper (hiding rebar or lead weights is frowned on) on their elected representatives, at all levels of government, at their place of office. Said official may not lock the door or pretend they aren’t there, and *certainly* not hit back.

Comment from Nina
Time: March 31, 2016, 12:37 am

I want parents to be financially penalized when their children fail classes that they should pass, and for being general dicks it the classroom.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: March 31, 2016, 12:38 am

I want to be able to cause a flat tire or engine failure – at will – in traffic – so I can bestow this on deserving a$$hats who drive like $hit.

I would also like to be able to materialize sour custard pies from nowhere – hurled into the faces of select politicians (at any time) – or obnoxious people misbehaving in public. These pies would not drip or spatter onto anyone else standing nearby.

I would also like to – just occasionally – test the theory that a person’s head really can be shoved up their own a$$.

Comment from Timothy S. Carlson
Time: March 31, 2016, 2:41 am

Stealing/paraphrasing somewhat from “Being John Malkovich” – I want the ability to instantly transport anyone who is annoying me to a ditch beside a turnpike in New Jersey.

They’ll have to start a shuttle service from there back to D.C. for all of the politicians who begin to magically appear.

Comment from mojo
Time: March 31, 2016, 4:43 am

All Spammers Must Die month

Comment from Oceania
Time: March 31, 2016, 8:35 am

Oh Hello!

Comment from Uncle Al
Time: March 31, 2016, 11:09 am

I would like to be able to cause bureaucrats, politicians, and any sort of govt enforcer to soil their pants or panties when they try to coerce otherwise peaceful and non-aggressive people. Which is pretty much all day every day.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: March 31, 2016, 1:17 pm

Oh, hell yes Uncle Al!

It needs to be violent & massive & juicy & offensively scented & continuous (and with accompanying stomach cramps) – like the scene in the flick, “A Million Ways To Die In The West”.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 31, 2016, 2:21 pm

Gentlemen, you are looking for The Brown Note.

Comment from Becca
Time: March 31, 2016, 2:48 pm

I want the ability to ban lottery scratch-off tickets in convenience stores. (Invariably, I get behind the person in line who spends 10 minutes meticulously picking out a dozen.)

Secondly, I want to be able to ban “safe spaces”…and to cause anyone who says or types the words “trigger warning” to break out in shingles.

Lastly, I would like the ability to have re-runs of Northern Exposure put back on television.

Comment from BJM
Time: March 31, 2016, 5:26 pm

I want this political season to go away.

Stoaty gitch yerself one of those timer dealies for the hose bib (not the battery operated programmable type); Ya cranks it to the appropriate number of minutes and walks away…makes watering real easy. I have a splitter on the bib so that I can use two hoses, one feds the soaker hose in the melon/corn/punkin patch and another for general watering and such. Both devices are inexpensive and last pretty much forever.

Comment from Feynmangroupie
Time: March 31, 2016, 6:01 pm

I would like to bestow severe anal itching on anyone, from any distance, when they start lecturing us about what is for our own good.

I’d like to be able to make it rain bacon for the obvious non-pc reasons. Can you imagine the tactical value on the battlefield? Or possibly in those massive horrible marches that I hear about happening in England?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 31, 2016, 6:02 pm

Oh, man, so do I, BJM. I’m hating this political season more than any other, ever.

And the garden is 100% Uncle B’s domain. I’m a plant killer from way back and can’t be trusted near anything green. I’m strictly the livestock wrangler.

Comment from J.S.Bridges
Time: March 31, 2016, 6:32 pm

In the end – after much contemplation, cogitation and no small amount of prestidigitation – I have concluded the following:

– With (it is truly said) Great Power, there is Great Responsibility.

– Far-and-away too many people in this World – most of them “professional” politicians, but also no small number of other sorts of “public officials”, “figures of (alleged) authority”, dolts and dweebs and dingleberries whose only apparent “accomplishments” in life are to either earn, beg, borrow, steal or otherwise accumulate wealth of various sorts in prominent quantities, then imagine that this somehow imbues them with Great Wisdom that they simply must broadcast to the long-suffering rest of us poor boobs, or to devise some means whereby they are able to extract a comfy, lazy-ass existence through expenditure of other people’s funds, time or material resources whilst opening and frequently boasting about doing so and complaining (sometimes quite bitterly) at not being permitted to do so even more, or both of these things – do not have any sort of useful understanding of this simple, correct principle, nor do they show any sign of actually behaving as if this applies to them.

– There does need to be a corrective measure available – anonymously, of course – for these circumstances.

Therefore and thereby…I wish to have just one “superpower” granted to me. I solemnly pledge that I will wield it with Great Responsibility – but also without Fear (since no one will know it’s me doing it!) or Favor (NO.ONE.WILL.BE.IMMUNE.NOR.WILL.ANY.OFFENDER.BE.SPARED!!!)

The Great Power I wish to have is – just this: I want to be able – using only the power of my mind – to instantly render any inDUHvidual that I choose, anywhere in the World…stark, staring naked – and utterly (themselves, only) absolutely unaware that this is so – and totally unable to be re-clothed until I allow it to be so.

Think about it…

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: March 31, 2016, 10:11 pm

Thanks, Stoaty! Not only did I learn about the Brown Note (when I looked it up, per your suggestion), but I ran into the word “metonym” in the definition – a word I haven’t even seen used in 40 years.

…And – JSB – I came this close (imagine fingers held very very close) to saying nearly the same thing about “disappearing” the clothing of the obnoxious.

Interesting that near-all of us have imagined/wished for very-similar “fantasy powers”.

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