web analytics

The hard work of being offended

The Smoking Gun put in a Freedom of Information request to the Department of Transportation of Wisconsin (and later of Florida) and got their hands on complaint letters people had sent about obscene personalized license plates. A surprising number were from cops; who knew cops were such tight asses?

I suppose the bureau shouldn’t, on balance, have issued MUFDYV, RUHRNY, COPUL8, FL8ME or HODAWG, but it’s the sheer puffed-up assholery of the complaint letters that astounds.

Like, the woman who wrote to complain about 4U HOES CC’ed two Senators, six State Representatives and demanded a followup letter. The IN2 XTC woman sniffed, “I know you shouldn’t ‘judge a book by its cover’ but his license number fit his appearance that day perfectly.” Like the DOT could do something about ragamuffin haircuts. Dear god, she probably wishes they could.

Can’t you just picture this lady?

While returning from an enjoyable evening out my husband noticed a license plate that absolutely amazed him. Being in the military he is, unfortunately, very often in situations where obscenity is at it’s [sic] very peak. for him to notice this and be disgusted that it actually got on the street proved to me that I am not just being overly prudish.

I will trust you to locate and replace this tag and whomever in your department allowed this on the street. I know that we cannot single-handedly clean up the whole world, but I would appreciate your assitance in at least keeping smut at bay.

The tag is a Florida tag, most probably Okaloosa County and reads: 4NIKATE.

And how about this pompous fuckwit? He’s given this one some thought, hasn’t he?

My family and I were recently driving in our local area and saw a small red sports car convertible with the personalized tag reading “RAIN SUX.” To an owner of a convertible who obviously likes to ride with the top down, I am sure that rainy weather is not what they like, but I found that phrase offensive, especially on behalf of my three children ages 4, 7 and 11.

I request that the Department revoke this license tag immediately and ask the owner that it be returned to a local tag office to be destroyed. Failure for the owner in doing this should result in the suspension of his driver’s license, similar to the action taken for failure to pay a traffic violation within a prescribed period of time.

I ask that I be notified in writing what action has been taken on this particular tag. Please respond within 30 days of the date on this letter.

The guys who complained about FAAHK and FOKEW (this last one wrote directly to the governer of the state) are seriously overthinking their plate interpretations. And, dude, IH8GOP too, and I vote for the bastards every four years.

If you’ve worked out that EMWOLB is BLOWME backwards, you probably should treat yourself to some books on tape. They have them free at the public library.

Okay, put on your thinking caps. This license plate has math. It’s 6Q 2Q and a little piece of tape is put between them as a minus sign. What’s 6Q minus 2Q? 4Q, of course. See, that’s what I’m talking about working real hard to get insulted.

Finally, my favorite:

To whom it may concern,

I am flabbergasted over the fact that I saw a Florida license plate, Brevard County, with the vanity plate of FUCT 24-7. You would think that there is some guidelines to a license plate. Obviously not! You cannot read that plate without saying a foul word. Please receive this letter as a written complaint.

The sweet part? All the i’s are dotted with little hearts.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 18, 2007, 5:48 pm

I think I found this on an old thread at Fazed. Not sure. I keep too damn many tabs open for too damn long.

Comment from SteamBoat McGoo
Time: April 18, 2007, 6:59 pm

Weasel, I think I found a use for all those spare rectums.

I suspect that each spare belongs over the head of a DOT letter-writer, kinda like a ski mask, eh? The Pompous Fuckwit might need two, and he’ll need three more for his wife’s crotch fruit, ages 4, 7, and 11. They could be li’l ones, I guess. (Got that word from PB!)

Comment from blanco lagomorph
Time: April 18, 2007, 7:08 pm

Dear SteamBoat McGoo,

I am writing to tell you how HORRIFICALLY OFFENDED I am by your use of the phrase ‘crotch fruit’. In dignified society, we do not utter such crass, maggotty verbal gunk. In future I expect you to comment to Weasel’s blogs using the much classier word choice of ‘fruit of the womb’.

Please make written reply in 30 days to let me know you understand and will comply with this dictate. A small contribution of $50.00 would oil the wheels of forgiveness.

Thanks, ever so,

Bunny Butthole

Comment from SteamBoat McGoo
Time: April 18, 2007, 8:27 pm

Mssr. Butthole,

Soooo….I guess “Loin Launchings” is right out, too? Darn. As for oiling the wheels of forgiveness – try vasoline, you heinous furry squeaker. If I weren’t an epileptic moron and allergic to intellectual effort, I’d think of something creative to do with your lucky feet.

Comment from Enas Yorl
Time: April 18, 2007, 9:55 pm

A couple notable (non-profanity related) tags I’ve seen around here are: IAMGOD and NCC 1701. In case you were wondering the Lord drives a white caddy. In the second case I got a glimpse of the driver – no, not a geeky dude, but a middle-aged woman.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 19, 2007, 6:53 am

Yeah, one of the complaints in Florida was about SONOFGOD. It was actually kind of painful to read, the patient detail with which this guy explained why that might be offensive. Some of the sexual complaints were like that, too: like the one that carefully explained that FL8ME probably meant “fellate me” and then went on with the dictionary definition of fellatio. It’s like listening to your grandma explain the Kama Sutra. The cop who complained about FAAHK wrote FUCK twice in all caps while explaining his objection to FAAHK.

There’s a great vanity plate I see on my commute some mornings. It’s a little black car of some kind with a double white racing stripe down the middle. Plate: LE PEW.

Crotch fruit. Heh heh heh.

Comment from jwpaine
Time: April 19, 2007, 3:38 pm

Geez, ya go years without hearing or reading the phrase “crotch fruit” and then all of a sudden, it’s the new “have a nice day.”

Speaking of nice days, btw, looks like your South Dakota deaf lesbian chainsaw killer won’t get the death penalty, because “[the killing and dismemberment was] not the act of a depraved mind.”

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 19, 2007, 4:41 pm

Oh! I saw that she got convicted, but I didn’t see the sentencing. No, really, you have to admit…as chainsaw murders go, this one was pretty sensible.

Comment from SteamBoat McGoo
Time: April 19, 2007, 5:41 pm

Weasel! Sensible? Jeez, man, she bought that chainsaw at Ace Hardware. She coulda gotten it at Lowes for 15% less and gotten a free revolving credit line. And besides, they speak Deaf at Lowes.

Besides, she shoulda picked up the light-duty model, not that beefy Redwood-hewing half-pony monster. This is a body we’re talking about – not an Oak. On the L-D model the chain teeth are finer and don’t….uh…clog so much.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: April 19, 2007, 5:45 pm

Lighten up, McGoo. She’s deaf. You can’t expect her to know anything about electric hand tools.

Comment from SteamBoat McGoo
Time: April 19, 2007, 7:42 pm

Oh. My bad. Never mind.

Comment from Frit
Time: September 12, 2010, 1:05 am

I’ve never had a problem with personalized license plates, no matter their content. People who do, IMHO, should get a life, and stop worrying about how other people live. Sheesh.

I don’t have any license plates to add, but a few license plate frames I rather enjoyed reading come to mind:

“2x4x6 – that’s right, it’s a stud”

“I know, I know, license and registration.” (seen on the back of a brand new Corvette)

“If you’re going to be riding my ass, you’d better be pulling my hair!”


Write a comment

(as if I cared)

(yeah. I'm going to write)

(oooo! you have a website?)

Beware: more than one link in a comment is apt to earn you a trip to the spam filter, where you will remain -- cold, frightened and alone -- until I remember to clean the trap. But, hey, without Akismet, we'd be up to our asses in...well, ass porn, mostly.

<< carry me back to ol' virginny