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Say it — with socks!

 my pantiesWhen was the last time I cleaned my sock drawer? I’m going to say…1985. I found three pairs of big poofy velcro’d shoulder pads way in the back. (Gosh I loved shoulder pads. Football shoulders made my waist look tiny. Big hair, however, made my brain look tiny).

These preposterous cheap lacy panties? My mom gave them to me shortly after I took up with Uncle B. “These are for him,” she said. Eyebrow waggle.

And I’m, like, “that’s a really nice thought, Mother, but I’m pretty sure they’re too small for him.”

And she rolls her eyes and goes, “oh, they’re not for him to wear.” Living out in the boonies all those years, Mom kind of went native and lost her funnybone.

You know what else I realized? Uncle B has a history of pledging his devotion with novelty socks. Which I guess is more romantic than the stuffed bear that plays Rule Brittania and farts when you press his belly.

So now I’m like the Caesar of underthings. I decide who lives and who dies. I took all the socks and panties and I’m washing my way through them. One by one, I wear each pair and evaluate it for size, condition and general elasticity. The ones that pass muster are coming to England.

The ones that don’t? “Guards, seize her!” I say, flipping the offending garment into the bin, “this panty displeases Weasel!”

Comments


Comment from Scooby Doo Panties
Time: October 8, 2008, 12:46 pm

RAAAAGGY! RELP!


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 8, 2008, 12:52 pm

Huh. Limbaugh just said that at this point in 2000, Al Gore was ahead by 11. That was (roughly) my memory, too. My memory is that the Democrat is alwasy ahead throughout the Summer and right up to the election.

Yeah, it’s a squeaker. It always is, and the Democrats might well pull it out. But why people are running around flapping their hands like their hair is on fire, I have no idea.


Comment from porknbean
Time: October 8, 2008, 12:54 pm

What is it, about 10 more ACORN offices have been raided?
Massive voter/zombie/illegals/cracked out pirate hookers fraud is going on.


Comment from porknbean
Time: October 8, 2008, 12:56 pm

What is the point of sexy underpants, when they are usually removed within 30 seconds?


Comment from Dawn
Time: October 8, 2008, 12:58 pm

Speaking of tossing panties…
In order to sell my house I have to give the buyer my 72 Volkswagon Beetle parked in the backyard.

The point of sexy underpants is to let the Mr. know it is a definate go tonight. Takes a lot of pressure off of him.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 8, 2008, 1:00 pm

Really, Dawn? That’s pretty amusing. Does it run? I had a ’73. They were great cars…pretty much ran on a sewing machine motor.


Comment from Dawn
Time: October 8, 2008, 1:04 pm

It runs great. It just has a hard time predictably staying running after I have driven it somewhere. I have made more calls than I can count for my hubber to come get me and the car.
Love that car!


Comment from Hound Of Doom
Time: October 8, 2008, 1:23 pm

I thought that lacy underoos were to make the wearer feel, well, the, um, way, they’d like to er, um, feel.

Big hair? Brain? Huh? If you’re wearing big hair and lacies, then brains are of limited importance at the moment .

So Dawn, what do you do to take that pressure off? Flash him at lunch?

But if they don’t do it for ya, then, away they go! Perhaps you could donate them to the Armed Forces for a little Abu Ghrab action.

Old beetle bugs, they’re great if you get a good one. If you get one that’s no good, get rid of it and get another! And the parts were cheap to the point of unbelievability when I worked in the VW parts dept back in the old days.

Finally, McCain (hey, you started this with a mixed post). Whatta maroon. I can not understand the country club Republicans. This guy is looking like Dole redux. A little red meat for the party faithful, but he dials it back to zero when up against his adversary. The only thing that keeps my TV intact is that I can’t see through the red haze over my eyes when he says ‘my friends’ for the 5,000th time.

And Bush thinks that politics for a president is ‘unseemly’. Can’t we find anyone who can play this game?

Weas, you’re gonna have a great moving out garage sale, I can tell!


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 8, 2008, 1:27 pm

Ah, Hound…I don’t care where my comments go as long as people keep talking to me.

I’ve gotten rid of 75% of my stuff already. I thought about selling it, but the profit-to-hassle ratio just didn’t work for me.


Comment from Jill
Time: October 8, 2008, 1:47 pm

I’m going through a purge phase right now mese’f. I’ve decided that if I packed it in a box after my divorce (1989) and haven’t needed it since, it goes. Anything that has an image of a goose with a big bow around its neck goes just on general principle.

If I haven’t worn it in 3-5 years – gonzo, babe.
I’ve decided that people less fortunate than I deserve to be able to sell my stuff for whatever they can get for it.

I’ve been packing copy paper boxes full of stuff and donating it to the various churches in my little neck of the woods. This is the time of year that they all seem to be having their rummage sales and flea markets and they’re welcome to all of it. I donate good sturdy clothing to a clothing bank (like a food bank) and my more slatternly deshabille (of which I have a copious amount) goes to my more slatternly friends (also copious).

On a totally unrelated note, or maybe it is kind of related, since I have cases and cases of records in my basement from my previous life as a nightclub dj, I’ll be coming outen retirement Saturday night to dj at a club downtown, spinning some old school disco. It should be a heck of a lot of fun.


Comment from apotheosis
Time: October 8, 2008, 2:28 pm

Women are so weird. Throwing away underwear that isn’t even worn through to the elastic.

Where’s the environmental awareness?


Comment from Jill
Time: October 8, 2008, 2:29 pm

FYI: I have a pair of lacy underoos that tie on each side, and have a rhinestone zipper up the front.

You ever try to tie a pair of underpants on so that they don’t fall into your shoes when you take a single step? It’s about as easy as trying to pick up a dime with your ass.

πŸ™‚


Comment from Allen
Time: October 8, 2008, 2:36 pm

Jill, actually I have never had that problem.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 8, 2008, 2:37 pm

Uncle B has underpants that aren’t so much underpants as several delicate gossamer strands of spiderweb festooned across his ass.

He’s real busy this week and hasn’t kept up on the blog. I’m counting heavily on that.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 8, 2008, 2:37 pm

Pick up…a dime…with your ass. Oh, dear.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 8, 2008, 3:33 pm

Okay…testing, testing. I did a little housecleaning. Let’s see if stuff is working better.


Comment from Allen
Time: October 8, 2008, 3:33 pm

That one gave me a bad visual, Weasel. Imagine how a horse’s lips move to pick up grain, now apply. πŸ™‚

Hey, Rodeo Clown School only costs $400 for the three day course. Imagine that, only $400 to get run over by a bull. Such a deal.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 8, 2008, 3:35 pm

Oh! Ick! I don’t like the new comment editing thingie at all.

Dangit — I want the old one back. Grouse. Pout. Whinge. I hate those popup interface things. The picture uploader in the post creation area does that now, and I’m so miserable about it I sometimes don’t bother posting pictures.


Comment from Lemur King
Time: October 8, 2008, 3:36 pm

Anybody wander over to The Smoking Gun lately?

Apparently after AIG was bailed, the poor dears, those poor stressed execs were sent to a resort to calm their nerves.

To the tune of $443,000 (plus/minus pocket change)


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: October 8, 2008, 3:48 pm

I’m just commenting to see what the fiddly foo WP did to the comment editing thingy.

I have an entire drawer full of socks, some of which were last worn when W The Elder was POTUS. Someday I’ll explore the drawer. Maybe this winter.

Jill – I’m gonna try picking up a dime with my ass next time I shower. Why, I do not know, except that I have a strategy …

{If the imagery resulting from that comment is TMI, I do apologize.}

Edited: no I am not liking the new one. And some of us need more than 5 minutes to find our errors, and the errors on the errors. And the more-elegant rephrasing efforts, etc.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 8, 2008, 3:57 pm

I can probably tweak that back to 15 minutes (or more, if you want it). I haven’t looked to see if this thing has controls.

Remember the Playtex glove commercials? You can pick up a dime! That’s the visual I’m getting.

The good news is, LK, as a result of the bailout, we now own Manchester United and we can tell them to man up and play a real sport. Like jello wrestling. Or bridge.


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: October 8, 2008, 4:00 pm

Naa, Weasel. Leave it, unless you want to, or get a consensus objection from the minions. I can tough it out.

Keep that visual. It’s wholesome.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 8, 2008, 4:01 pm

Meh. I’m banging around in it now. It’s got to be in here, but I don’t see it.


Comment from Jill
Time: October 8, 2008, 4:11 pm

I’m sitting at work, giggling whilst reading your comments.

πŸ™‚

McGoo, if you fall and break your ass, do not blame me.

I don’t like this editing thingie either. It’s very doom and gloom, yanno?

HEY!!! HMFWIC! put the old one back. thanks.


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: October 8, 2008, 4:13 pm

Ya know what you could do with you throwaway undies, Stoaty.

Put them all in a bag behind the drivers seat in your car. Then when you’re going down the highway, every once in a while you could grab a pair and toss it out the window – preferably when someone is tailgating.


Comment from Jill
Time: October 8, 2008, 4:17 pm

That’s a fabulous idea!

Or hang them from various and sundry mailboxes / lightpoles throughout the neighborhood.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 8, 2008, 4:35 pm

Or side-view mirrors.


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: October 8, 2008, 4:38 pm

Go for it, Weaz! Photo’s are essential, so put your digital camera in the car, too.

May I suggest the employee parking lot?


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 8, 2008, 4:50 pm

That would be an ignominious end, even for me: caught skulking around the employee parking lot with a bag of embarrassingly distressed underpants decorating cars. “Oh, I was just…cleaning the mirrors…ummm…with these nice, clean, wornout panties…”

And if I did it in my neighborhood, I’d get somebody killed.


Comment from Muslihoon
Time: October 8, 2008, 5:10 pm

Thanks, Ms. Weasel, I needed the laugh!

Edit: Nooooooooooooooooooooo! Color!


Comment from Muslihoon
Time: October 8, 2008, 5:41 pm

I know I’ve been beating the religion drum for a while, but any Englishpeople care to provide their thoughts on this post: “‘Savior Siblings’ Spark Resignation” by Matthew Archbold of Creative Minority Report.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 8, 2008, 5:46 pm

Come to think of it, that bloody bear played “God Save the Queen” before farting.


Comment from dfbaskwill
Time: October 8, 2008, 5:48 pm

You’ll need more than those lacy panties in a ’73 VDub, the heater is notoriously useless.


Comment from dfbaskwill
Time: October 8, 2008, 5:50 pm

And I liked the Scooby Doo britches. Velma is so cool.


Comment from porknbean
Time: October 8, 2008, 6:02 pm

From musli’s link –
The HFE bill legalizes the creation of human-animal hybrid embryos, “savior siblings” and other forms of human commodification deplored by the Catholic Church.

I don’t think it is just the Catholic Church that deplores such a thing.
By taking out religion or a ‘moral’ code, anything goes and will try to be justified.


Comment from jwpaine
Time: October 8, 2008, 6:06 pm

I never edit what I’ve written; I simply tear off yet another treasure of wisdom, and let it lie there for the erudimification of all.

/dang, doesn’t appear you can do strikeout… that kinda handicaps the hilarity that this post might have inspired.
/or not


Comment from Lemur King
Time: October 8, 2008, 6:10 pm

Off topic, but I just got a hit “how fluffy are weasels?”

Care to comment, Weas? I’m not very learned about mustelids.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 8, 2008, 6:11 pm

You can’t do strikeout? That’s not my rule. If I could, I’d jigger it so everyone could post pitchers, too.

Yep: no strikeout.


Comment from jwpaine
Time: October 8, 2008, 6:12 pm

No, Weez, put the bag in your backseat, then every now and then, when a safe opportunity presents itself, stick one pair in somebody’s glove compartment. Hilarity ensues.

/I got more idears if you like that’n.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 8, 2008, 6:18 pm

I used to bring back pointless items from England and use them as bookmarks in library books. I receipt for a Happy Meal from Picadilly Circus, for example.

Pointless, but fun. My chaotic prankstering didn’t GET PEOPLE KILLED.


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: October 8, 2008, 6:21 pm

I’m, watching… I’m watching.

Keeping score, too.

PS – if you think those underpants were in need of retirement, you should see the ones I wear when you’re not around!


Comment from Mrs. Peel
Time: October 8, 2008, 6:29 pm

That’s funny about the socks – my sister and I have been getting each other novelty socks for years. It’s a good souvenir, because they are usually cheap, and they are useful and can be discarded when worn out.

The undies are also funny. I recently decided to start purchasing my undies elsewhere (I used to get the cotton ones from victoria’s secret, but they stopped carrying bras in my size and were exceedingly nasty about it, so now I refuse to shop there), so I scoped out all the big department stores and bought panties from each one, and then washed & wore so as to evaluate them. My favorite pair looks like doll’s panties, but they are really, really stretchy. No panty line or sags! So I’ve been washing and wearing them to find out how long they will remain so elastic, because I don’t want to buy 20 pairs just to discover that they wear out after 5 washes. (I think I’m on 7 or 8 washes now.)

I’m also purging…now that I have a house large enough to hold all my junk…


Comment from Muslihoon
Time: October 8, 2008, 6:35 pm

BTW: I love Rule Britannia. So majestic, methinks.

Then again, maybe it’s cultural/genetic, what with us South Asians admiring the lordly Brits.


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: October 8, 2008, 6:41 pm

It’s all very strange and puzzling, Muslihoon.

Of the many tributes I have laid at the feet of our patroness, the one to which she constantly refers to is the teddybear dressed up as guardsman, farting to the God Save The Queen .

What is it with Americans and humour?


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 8, 2008, 6:50 pm

Wait a second…wait a second…you send me a farting teddy bear and fault MY sense of humor?!

Mrs P, many years ago, I used to buy these fantastic heavy (but soft) cotton panties from Sears. They were cheap, completely unsexy, tended to sag in the ass, were blissfully comfortable and lasted forever. They had a wide, heavy elastic at the waist and no elastic in the legs. God, I miss those panties.

I have only once worn undies more comfortable: we had a water crisis on the farm one Summer, leading to a panty panic. I ended up, of necessity, wearing a pair of my stepfather’s tighty whities. Oh, rapture! Oh, bliss! I cannot tell you how comfortable they were. It’s the heavy, wide elastics that do it.


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: October 8, 2008, 6:57 pm

Tighty whities? Ya mean briefs?

Well, hell, Weaz – just buy some for yourself when you get moved. If anyone asks, they’re for “your son”.

Or just steal Badgers. Unless he’s a boxer guy.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 8, 2008, 6:59 pm

Yes, Y-fronts, McGoo. And what prevents me buying myself some is that still, quiet, dead mother voice in my head telling me that I’ll get in a car accident, and they’ll find me in guy underpants with my cellphone in the handy front pocket.

I don’t mind dying, but I won’t be laughed at!


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: October 8, 2008, 7:03 pm

Boxers? Good grief, no! Far too easy to get tangled-up in… umm…. err… stuff .


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: October 8, 2008, 7:04 pm

I hadn’t even thought about the front pocket. I just figured you’d kinda ignore it as a “guy” accessory. You could store all sorts of little odds n’ ends there.

A derringer! Ooooh!

Edit: Funny you mentioned that, Badge. That is exactly why I rejected boxers the one time (30 years ago) I bought some and tried ’em.


Comment from Mrs. Peel
Time: October 8, 2008, 7:08 pm

I hate the sag in the ass. With tight pants, that’s a recipe for discomfort and unattractiveness. And with this fine booty *slaps butt* I ain’t wearin’ no loose pants, that’s for sure!

Oh right, homework. So…um…anyone know anything about transmission lines?


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: October 8, 2008, 7:22 pm

Well, it’s prolly only a trouble to those as em… well endowed as we are, McGoo πŸ˜‰


Comment from porknbean
Time: October 8, 2008, 7:24 pm

Jockey for Her bikinis. Hands down the best.


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: October 8, 2008, 7:25 pm

Z = Sqrt(L/C)*

V = 1/sqrt(LC)*

* if memory serves.

Everything else is on the Smith chart, Mrs. P.

I used to love impedance matching with shorted stubs. Double-stub matching is soooo cool.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 8, 2008, 7:26 pm

Oh, absolutely, PnB! Jockey for Her are the best I’ve found. Not quite as good as the stuff they make for Him (of course), but a damn fine panty.


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: October 8, 2008, 7:28 pm

I wasn’t gonna mention that, Badge.


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: October 8, 2008, 7:42 pm

BTW: Gateway Pundit has an article here to the effect that Gov Palin is related to Princess Di and FDR.

( http://gatewaypundit.blogspot.com/2008/10/sarah-palin-and-late-princess-diana-are.html )

Nice.


Comment from Pupster
Time: October 8, 2008, 7:44 pm

Heh. Weasel panties.


Comment from Allen
Time: October 8, 2008, 8:08 pm

My cousin taught me a neat trick from when he was on a SEAL Team in Vietnam, for me Army swamp time. Pantyhose keeps the leeches from getting at ya. His biggest fear: being captured wearing pantyhose. Dude, I think that might have been the least of your worries.

A cowboy trick, pantyhose with legs cut off and a liberal amount of babypowder does wonders for your behind/saddle interaction.

I don’t want to hear it. Wait until your butt has been in a saddle for a week or so. πŸ™‚


Comment from Mrs. Peel
Time: October 8, 2008, 8:11 pm

I *like* sexy panties. They make me feel confident. I guess I am just young. There’s a line in A Tree Grows in Brooklyn – “All women go through a black lace drawers phase.” I guess I haven’t left mine yet. (Though none of mine are lacy [sounds itchy] and few are black.)

And now, I think you all know far more about my undergarments than you needed to know.


Comment from Mrs. Peel
Time: October 8, 2008, 8:17 pm

I just remembered that Stoaty looks at her google search referrals. Well, there is an odd one from me a few minutes ago. I was trying to remember if this was the blog where I told my thong story, so I did a google search, and it was.

I started laughing when I realized that the Weas was going to see that search term and think “whu…?” So, that’s the reason.


Comment from porknbean
Time: October 8, 2008, 8:24 pm

I like pretty lingerie too, for lounging around in. Pretty lingerie can do wonders for a less than perfect body. I would walk around the house in them if I could….but I have to consider I might traumatize the chirrens or get really tired from the constant ‘brrr-waggle-waggle’ coming from the bean man.
And seeing as I can’t stand things creeping up the crackola in normal day-to-day activities, function wins out over pretty.


Comment from Jessica
Time: October 8, 2008, 9:47 pm

Lucky for me, I don’t need panties to signal that “it’s a go for tonight” It’s always a go!

And can I say, I simply can’t picture you in the lacies (and I guess that’s the way it should be).


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 9, 2008, 6:28 am

I bet you can imagine me in the Scooby Doo panties, though. Okay, you know what? Enough imagining each other in panties.

I never wore the frillies. For that matter, I never really had big hair. Slightly larger hair than now, but not anyone’s idea of big.

Did y’all see this from the Onion? God they’re dark. Funny, but dark:


Gunman Kills 15 Potential Voters In Crucial Swing State


Comment from Jill
Time: October 9, 2008, 9:44 am

Frankly, I’ve been imagining McGoo in lacies.

πŸ™‚


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: October 9, 2008, 9:50 am

Imagine me in the bath, trying to pick up a dime with my ass. I tried this morning and inadvertently sat on my junk. Damn.

But it was for science!

BTW: Weaz – I loved the video. So true, so true.


Comment from Jill
Time: October 9, 2008, 10:30 am

Anything for science!

By the way, do you have change for a quarter?

πŸ™‚


Comment from bad cat robot
Time: October 9, 2008, 11:01 am

Wow, the things you learn here. I love this bar.

I did not know leeches can’t get through nylons, but I’m not surprised. Nylon knee-highs are also extremely useful for breaking in new boots in a hurry. I learned this from a buddy in the Army, who made ME buy them for him because he was too embarrassed to go through the checkout. Tankers should not be wusses like that.

And then there’s the story involving Marines and tampons …


Comment from Muslihoon
Time: October 9, 2008, 1:36 pm

Do tell the story about Marines and tampons!


Comment from bad cat robot
Time: October 9, 2008, 3:10 pm

The whole story of Marines Discovering Tampons (akismet, if you block this you are helping the terrorists!) http://www.blackfive.net/main/2004/12/every_care_pack.html

When I got to the part with “Mom, did you know they *expand*?” I just about asphyxiated myself laughing.

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