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Happy half century, you anorexic slag!

barbieMonday was Barbie’s 50th birthday (counting from her introduction at the American International Toy Fair). I had a burger today at our favorite greasy spoon, Salmonella-on-Sea, and I didn’t grab a newspaper quick enough so I got stuck with the women’s rag. That’s where I read this.

Barbie was based on the postwar German doll Bild Lilli, who was a doll of easy virtue marketed to adults. Today, one Barbie is sold every three seconds. Or maybe it’s three Barbies a second. Shoot, I don’t know. I didn’t steal the magazine.

You know who loves her some Barbie? Me, that’s who. Not the doll — they stopped giving me dolls when I wouldn’t stop dissecting them — the playscale.

Playscale is the universal 1:6 toy scale that means GI Joe can wear Barbie’s panties and Midge can drive the tank. Oh. My. God. All those fabulous tiny Coke bottles and naugahyde cowboy boots and plastic fried eggs. I just love ickle things.

My best friend had every damn playscale playset in the world, because her parents actually loved her. The whole West family (remember them?), with horses. The whole Barbie family. The camping set. The dream home. Man. Poor people sure buy their kids lots of great stuff, don’t they?

Speaking of Barbie/Joe mashups, I remember this story from when it was reported. I never learned if it’s true, but I sure hope it is. I’d give a lot for a Barbie who yells, “eat lead, Cobra Commander!” Or, alternatively, a GI Joe who coos, “Let’s plan our dream wedding!”

Fun Barbie facts:

Barbie’s real name is Barbie Millicent Roberts
Barbie is from Willows, Wisconsin and went to Willows High School
Barbie has four sisters: Skipper (1964), Stacie (1992), Kelly (1995) and Krissy (1995)
Barbie’s first pet was a horse named Dancer
The first Barbie sold for $3.00 in 1959
Barbie’s signature color is PMS219 (that’s Pantone [color] Matching System, smartass)
Ken debuted two years after Barbie in 1961
Ken and Barbie broke up on Valentine’s Day, 2004

Okay, those facts weren’t really all that fun.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 12, 2009, 8:00 pm

I want this one.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 12, 2009, 8:13 pm

No, no — THIS ONE.

It comes with birds.

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: March 12, 2009, 8:51 pm

I was wondering why Waylon Smithers keeps dropping by.

Comment from Muslihoon
Time: March 12, 2009, 11:02 pm

Does Ken give guys body image problems the way Barbie does for girls? What about G.I. Joe?

At what age does it become inappropriate for males to manhandle buff, ripped jocks?

Comment from porknbean
Time: March 13, 2009, 1:01 am

Bah, Barbie isn’t an image problem for girls. She’s a doll. What is funny is that they made her chest smaller and waist wider a few years back.
Girls get mixed messages from Hollyweirdos, magazines, and MTV crap.

I loved me my Barbies, back in the day. Especially the playscale stuffs, which I didn’t have so much, so I made my own with Playdoh…plates, eggs, cupcakes, bday cakes, pizza, etc.
Oh, and my Barbie married GIJoe. He was more manly than that poof Ken. I did get the camper one year and we used to put our cat in it and send her across the room.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 13, 2009, 8:09 am

Oh. Ohhhhh. So very many tacos and underpants in this Mexican tribute to Barack Obama. Has any other president EVER had so many tacos and underpants? I think not!


More at badpaintingsofbarackobama.com.

Comment from Brigette
Time: March 13, 2009, 8:47 am

Ai, Dios mio!

Comment from Muslihoon
Time: March 13, 2009, 11:42 am

Oh, dear. That is…weird.

And a Mexican flag over the White House? Em, that does not send a good message.

The way they’re dressed I’m wondering whether the people depicted – excepting Obama – are prostitutes (men included).

What’s the message?

Comment from Jill
Time: March 13, 2009, 12:10 pm

PnB, I’m wit’cha…and pieces of a Pink Pearl eraser made a wonderful Christmas ham for Barbie’s dining room table.

And, I have to ask: is that a taco in your underpants or are you just happy to see me?

Comment from porknbean
Time: March 13, 2009, 12:38 pm

HOw come Obama is cupping the nugget containment of the underpants?

Comment from Nicholas the Slide
Time: March 13, 2009, 12:50 pm

What the…!? X_x

Comment from iamfelix
Time: March 13, 2009, 12:54 pm

One of my sisters has the Tippi Hedren Barbie – it’s the bomb.

Comment from Gibby Haynes
Time: March 13, 2009, 1:32 pm

The White House doorway is shaped like a cock. I never knew.

Does Ken give guys body image problems the way Barbie does for girls? What about G.I. Joe?

Possibly. Over this side of the pond, they were called Action Man. I never had any myself. I was more of a Transformers child. I didn’t grow up obsessing about robots body proportions though.

Comment from Christopher Taylor
Time: March 13, 2009, 5:40 pm

Nothing says sexy like the name Millicent.

Comment from Anonymous
Time: March 13, 2009, 10:04 pm

Bill Clinton got way more taco than that.

Comment from Christopher Taylor
Time: March 13, 2009, 11:41 pm

I love the old barbie, she looks haughty, yet curious. That plumber, he repulses me yet, I cannot help but steal sultry glances at his sweaty, burly form as he works…

Comment from Michael
Time: March 14, 2009, 7:08 pm

Man, now I have to listen to Barbie Girl again!

What a great song.

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