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It’s D-Day for Ward Churchill. The CU Board of Regents is holding a hearing right now to decide his fate. Ward is going to plead his case, but sadly that part is behind closed doors. Some preliminary remarks were supposed to be streamed online at 8:15, but it’s 8:55 and nary a peep yet. Some time after 4pm, they’re also supposed to be streaming video of the press conference announcing the result (same URL).

Pirate Ballerina‘s jwpaine promises live-blogging, whenever there is something to liveblog. He might even have thugs and/or goons in the area of the actual hearing.

Me, I just have some fashion advice for the professor. First, lose a few pounds or lose the turtleneck. Dude. Seriously.

Second, the hair. Yes, I realize long, straight hair parted in the middle is supposed to evoke the whole Native American thing, but your forehead is too low to support this ‘do. That’s something we have in common, Sir — hairlines so proximate to our eyebrows, the effect borders on simian.

Now, when you combine a low forehead with long, straight hair parted in the middle, you are presented with two options. You can hook all that hair behind your ears, flapping them outwards, cartoonishly. The Dopey of Tribe Disney look, as it were. Or you can let the hair fall where it may, which is going to be basically in front of your face.

When I went through my obligatory long-straight-hair-parted-in-the-middle phase in the early ’70s, I generally pursued the latter hairdressing strategy. Hence, for several years, there was nothing to see of me but two lank curtains of brown hair barely parted by the tip of my proud aquiline nose.

“You look,” my mother remarked, squinting at me, “like a weasel peeping out of a tent.”

Update: Lokki points out, they’re in a different timezone in Colorado. Ummm…duh, Weasel. Update, update: okay, NOW they’re really, really late.

UPDATE: gone, but not forgotten. Let the litigation commence! Somehow, I keep replaying in my head that ridiculous dogfighting speech by the ridiculous Senator Byrd, “the dawg dahd! …the dawg dahd! …the dawg daaaaaaahd!”


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: July 24, 2007, 9:21 am

That outstanding sketch looks exactly like I feared (in my most opiated delusions) Wardo The Indian Boy would look in his native garbage.

Unfortunately, my agile and creative bwane just now filled in last step, the image of him being loincloth-wedgied – using the above drawing as a starting model. So I’m going to go commit suicide now.

Comment from Lokki
Time: July 24, 2007, 9:33 am

Uhm, Weas…. Ain’t you one of the East-Coast Weasels? Well, a lot of the world can’t live up to the standards of the Rhode Island Mustela erminea’s. They’re behind the times. Several hours behind.

For instance, I believe that Colorado has one of them thar western-opressor totally-culturally-artificial non-indigenous-fakey different time zones, where 8 am won’t happen until 11 am or something like that.

I love that drawing.. it summarizes Ward perfectly as a wanna-be who is now trying to keep his government welfare check coming in by Mau-Mauing the Flack Catchers, as Wolfe so elegantly put it.

Still, I’m getting impatient. I’ve been waiting years for this moment, to see the lying fraud booted. I’m just afraid that the committee won’t be able to screw their courage up to the kicking point.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: July 24, 2007, 9:38 am

Time zone! Duh! Geez, here I’ve been refreshing PB and cussing.

In honor of the occasion (and because I really, really don’t feel like getting to work this morning), I’ve been reading back through jwpaine’s Greatest Hits, refreshing myself on all things Ward Churchill.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: July 24, 2007, 10:35 am

Okay, NOW they’re officially late…

Comment from jwpaine
Time: July 24, 2007, 10:35 am

The live feed promised for 8:30 am (MSTy time) has yet to appear on CU’s website, so I’m vamping over at PB, including ripping off your true-to-life portrait of the Mighty Debo.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: July 24, 2007, 10:40 am

Tell you what: the tension here in McGooVille is palpable. I want him booted so hard he bounces. Lokki – you express my fear precisely. This needs to be over with and done with (except for the inevitable corpse-twitching afterwards).

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: July 24, 2007, 10:43 am

jwp: Offtopic but must be said: I finished the fehrenbach mexico book. Outstanding recommendation! I feel I now have a clue as to “why Mexico is the way it is”. I am now seeking out his TX book.

Comment from jwpaine
Time: July 24, 2007, 10:51 am

The Texas book is even better. I recommend finishing up with his Comanche book, inarguably the best of those three.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: July 24, 2007, 10:53 am

Consider it done, jwp. I was eyeing that Comanche book, too. Fehrenbach writes very well. Bookstore(s) tomorrow.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: July 24, 2007, 10:57 am

Is this nonfiction? Wait, I just answered my own question. (I hardly ever read fiction these days. Actually, come to think of it, I hardly read at all these days…)

Comment from porkthebean
Time: July 24, 2007, 11:00 am

Because everything seems to be ‘through the looking glass’ these days, I’m not confident WC is going to get the spanking he deserves.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: July 24, 2007, 11:37 am

Beanporker – expect the worst & hope for the best. All we can do…

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: July 24, 2007, 11:42 am

Said it before, but – Geez!, Weasel – that is a good drawing!

Comment from Lokki
Time: July 24, 2007, 11:55 am

By the shore of Gitche Gumee,
By the shining Big-Sea-Water,
At the doorway of his wigwam,
In the boding Colorado morning,
Wardo stood and waited.

From the distant land of Wampum,
From the farthest realms of morning
Came the Black-Robe chief, the Regent,
He the Priest of Prayer, the Pale-face,
With his guides and his companions.
And the fat ol Wardo,
With his middle finger aloft extended,
Held aloft in sign of welcome,
Waited, full of hate.

To be continued

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: July 24, 2007, 3:07 pm

More, Lokki! More! I know you’re waiting for the verdict, but you’re on a roll!

Comment from Lokki
Time: July 24, 2007, 3:26 pm

All the old men of Hillary’s village,
All the Haters of the nation,
All the Jossakeeds, the Prophets,
The magicians, the Wannabenos,
And evil-Medicine-men, the Mediots,
Came to bid all the reporters welcome;
“It is well”, they said, “O New York Timers,
That you come so far to film us!”
In a circle round the doorway,
With their pipes they sat, threatening violence,
Hoping to scare away all fair justice,
Waiting darkly to receive the verdict;
Waiting for Black-Robe chief, the Pale-face,
From the wigwam to come to greet them

Comment from Lokki
Time: July 24, 2007, 3:32 pm

By the way, should anyone care, my apologies to the descendents of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow –
\Not wanting to be accused of unfootnoted plagarism (especially in these circumstances)

I’ve liberally cribbed this verse from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Since The Song of Hiawatha is a poem about an imaginary Indian Chief, written by someone who knew absolutely zip, nada, nuthin’ about indians, and was making shit up right and left – HIAWATHA’S DEPARTURE seemed so obvious for today, I’m surprised nobody else beat me to it.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: July 24, 2007, 3:56 pm

Lokki, when I read the first line of your “homage” to HWL hours ago, I started kicking myself – and have not stopped. Why the F*** didn’t I think of this? It’s perfect!

Like I said, dude, you’re on a roll! You own it. Muse proudly, Sir!

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: July 24, 2007, 4:01 pm

And the genius of it is, it’s a Hiawatha parody! No rhyming, no complicated metering schemes.

Comment from Paul Sunstone
Time: July 24, 2007, 4:25 pm

It sure has taken a long time to reach this day.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: July 24, 2007, 4:51 pm

If I didn’t follow PirateBallerina, I would have assumed he was LONG gone.

Comment from Lokki
Time: July 24, 2007, 4:55 pm

JW definitely deserves our thanks for keeping this issue alive and in front of us. I’ve been following this at his site for a couple of years now. I’m not a frequent poster there, but I’ve always found it a good place to go to get my blood pressure up to operating levels.

Comment from jwpaine
Time: July 24, 2007, 7:10 pm


Comment from Lokki
Time: July 24, 2007, 7:21 pm

If you don’t go speed them up JW, I’m going to keep writing.
You have been warned!
(This Wordworthless stuff is pretty easy – I’ sure glad The Song of Hiawatha wasn’t a villanelle)

For many years Ward told stories
To nodding students for a fat check
But it was on Hubris that he fed daily
Until he too started to believe it

I myself, myself! behold me!
‘T is the great Gray Indjun talking;
Come, ye white crows, come and hear him!
The loud-speaking thunder helps me;
Friends of mine are all the serpents!
Hear me screech my screed of venomed lies!
Little Eichmann’s, it was good they killed you;
I too want to shoot you and kill you!
I too want to blow you away!
“Hell yeah!” replied his idiot chorus,
“Waytogo!” the mystic chorus cried.
“I myself, myself! The prophet!
When I speak this here wigwam trembles,
And shakes the College President with terror

I am mighty Wardo pseudo-Injun
And it makes me happy to tell you lengthy lies
Of those evil things your grandfathers did
Although your grandfathers were the same as mine
These stories got me a job in Colorado
And 15 seconds in real prime time!”

Comment from jwpaine
Time: July 24, 2007, 7:42 pm


Comment from Lokki
Time: July 24, 2007, 7:48 pm

Lokki Thinks: And about time too!

And the scholars and the bloggers
Laughed aloud at the poor sad buffoon;
“Liar!” they said, “what tales you tell us!”
And the professors and the Regent
Looked and tittered at each other;
“Liar!” they said, “we don’t believe you!”
“Call yourself professor no more!”

When the Regents finished speaking
A sudden darkness fell and filled the wigwam.
Hiawannabe heard a squeaking
As of doors opening behind him,
Saw the exit sign above the door
And was lifted by a hand he saw not,
Felt the cold knob hit him in the asshole,
And he had his job no more.

For a moment he’d held the limelight;
No more speaks this whining faker
From the kingdom of the Phoneyman,
No more turns before the microphone
Homeward now goes our pretended Injun
Farewell, not so noble Indian fake!
We have put you to the trial,
To the proof you have put our patience,
By the insult of your presence,
By the outrage of your actions.
We have found you lying and evil.
Failed in the great academic trial,
Failed in the harder struggle for history’s truth.”

Comment from Paul Sunstone
Time: July 24, 2007, 7:51 pm

Weasel, that’s a great drawing, by the way! I’ve liked it more each time I’ve checked back here for news of Ward’s much hoped for demise.

I still don’t get why it took so long for this affair to come to a head. Seems to me if anyone had gotten off their butts to do it, he could have been given a fair hearing on the charges within a few weeks — not years.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: July 24, 2007, 8:08 pm

Well, it’s done now. He’s out, eight to one. Let the lawsuits begin!

Comment from jwpaine
Time: July 24, 2007, 8:52 pm

Thanks, Weez, for the tattoo pic (and the wonderful drawing of Chief Walking Eagle, which, of course, I ripped off without even asking).

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: July 24, 2007, 9:21 pm

Oh, yes! He’s fired. Unemployed. Gone.

This is as it should be. And not before time, IMHO.

But you-all do realize that this corpse is not dead yet. It’s gonna twitch for quite some time. He’ll lawsuit the snot out of CU etc until his money/support runs out. And we will no-doubt hear from the buttwipe for years to come. He’s like Cindy Shehan(sp?) in that regard.

Hopefully, jwp et al at PB will continue tracking him, but in a more leisurely manner.

But all of this is swell, as long as it stimulates more Weasel artistry and Lokki poetry.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: July 24, 2007, 10:26 pm

Weasel’s tattoo artwork made Michelle Malkins site.


Comment from Muslihoon
Time: July 24, 2007, 11:59 pm

Mazel tov! He’s gone!

Comment from Gnus
Time: July 25, 2007, 10:28 am

Sweasel, if it hasn’t been said before, the drawing is fanfuckingtastic. Love it, love it, love it!

‘Ceptin’, next time how about drawing a pot belly that doesn’t remind me so much of me? That and the feather.

And the spear.

Otherwise, doesn’t look like me much at all.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: July 25, 2007, 10:45 am

Gnus: just say “no” to stretch turtlenecks. Though Wardo looked a little trimmed down to me, from the pictures I saw yesterday. That, or a cotton broadcloth shirt really makes all the difference.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: July 25, 2007, 11:03 am

Incidentally, before I started this site last year, my original idea was to do editorial cartoons. I knew I wanted to start a political blog of some kind, and that seemed the most appealing way in. I’ve never been able to capture likenesses and I hate cartooning and I struggle with the hardest part, which is coming up with good screedy ideas, but hey…I’m not all that bright.

My first experiment was Ahmadinejad. The longer I scribbled, the more I realized…”Oops! I’m making this nutcake look pretty good.” Because, you know, that’s what you do when you draw a pitcher: you try to make the thing you’re drawing look good. I just can’t seem to get comfortable making stuff ugly on purpose.

So, thanks everyone for the kind words, but I doubt I’ll do much of this. It wasn’t a whole lot of fun. An early draft included…white-guy-pattern body hair. The aesthete lobe of my brain curled into the fetal position and made high-pitched keening noises until I erased it.

Comment from Gnus
Time: July 25, 2007, 12:18 pm

I dunno, Sweasel, the stretch turtleneck looks so good with the black socks and sandals we beachcombers have to wear. I’m thinkin’ about a speedo to complete the ensemble.

It’d be easier just to say “no” to sweets and fatty stuff, and drinking nuthin’ but Coca Cola™ for days on end.

And, ya know, if you did the caricatures on a routine basis like, I’d probably get used to ’em eventually and be all like, “There goes Sweasel again, making it look easy.” The appreciation might depreciate. So whatever, whenever. I’ll just enjoy ’em when your muse feels it’s appropriate.

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