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You’re welcome!

I saw today’s Drudge headline about the Obamacare bill — titled Push! Push harder! — and I was going to give you a graphic of Barack Obama attending Nancy Pelosi in the delivery room. But when I started assembling photos for the montage, it was clear right away there was not enough mind bleach in the whole wide world to clean up that mess once I made it.

So instead, I give you — the lady whose lips are made out of her vagina!

I am absolutely fascinated by these things. It’s a whole genre of trashy rags here. The high end is comprised of magazines which report the goings on of television programs as if they’re actual news, right the way down to these ones, with the lady whose fake tit exploded in Sainsbury’s. There are probably four or five at this tack level at our local newsstand.

I’d buy them every one, if Uncle B didn’t give me the hairy eyeball. Instead, I stand and read the covers while he shops for…I don’t know. Candied lamb spleens or whatever. The headlines on the front are the best part, anyhow.

And I wouldn’t be too smug, Americans. All this means is that Britain’s really dumb people still read for entertainment.

Comments


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 4, 2010, 11:22 pm

 

Closest thing I’ve seen to it in the States was a magazine called Midnight. Which, if Google is leading me right, was actually Canadian. My mother had an ex-carny friend who gave her a stack of them. Really.

This was the only images hit that definitely shows the magazine as I remember it — the header is unforgettable.

I was riveted by those things. It was all grotesque photos of fatal car wrecks and “Man puts son’s hand through meat grinder” stories. The genre later gave rise to the sillier and tamer News of the World and National Enquirer.

Kind of a bottom-feeder, me.

 

 


Comment from weirdsister
Time: March 4, 2010, 11:32 pm

Heh, you sound like my 89 year old grandmother (except for the part about being an 89 year old grandmother, that is)…she loves, loves, loves her tabloids; the sleazier, the better. Goes to show that even prude little old Mormon grannies have their vices.

Um. Candied Lamb Spleens? Ew. Sounds like something my cats would eat and then promptly garf up.


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: March 4, 2010, 11:38 pm

Well, I guess that it’s better than the normal INQUIRER headlines, such as “Jennifer Aniston to have Elvis’s alien love child, Bill Clinton demands paternity test!”


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: March 4, 2010, 11:41 pm

Candied lamb spleens!?!

Now here’s a real one.

And yes, I do. It’s a breakfast treat, if you must know.

Devilled Kidneys on toast

INGREDIENTS
8 Lamb’s Kidneys, Skinned, Cored and Diced
1 tbsp Plain Flour
Salt
Cayenne Pepper
2 tbsp Dry Mustard
2oz (50g) Butter
1 tbsp Worcester Sauce
1/4 pint (150ml) Chicken Stock
4 Slices of Hot Buttered Toast

METHOD

Dust the Kidneys with Plain Flour, Salt and plenty of Cayenne Pepper. Roll them in the Dry Mustard. Melt the Butter in a small frying pan and cook the Kidneys over a gentle heat for 5 minutes. They should be just pink inside. When they are done, pour the Worcester Sauce and Chicken Stock around them. Simmer until the gravy is thick. Serve immediately on hot buttered Toast.

Yum!


Comment from Gromulin
Time: March 4, 2010, 11:47 pm

I miss the Weekly World News…I actually subscribed for a while. Batboy lives!


Comment from Sporadic Small Arms Fire
Time: March 4, 2010, 11:51 pm

S. Weasel “turns”, as evidenced by addressing Americans.

The Britisher fetish of eating bizarre stuff can be credited back to Roman occupation which for them unfortunately ended before they could lay claim on becoming a modern race.
Delicacies such as Larks’ tongues. Otters’ noses. Ocelot spleens. Wrens’ livers, badgers’ spleens… Wolf nipples.
Lamprey suction cups garnished with beans on a toast.

Limey redcoated monarchists, all they want is to erect a few stone kromlechs and then prance around in negligee worshiping some flint deity of peat bog. If Oliver Cromwell succeeded they’d at least have a Republic.
Since Alaric the Bowlegged this isolated, foggy, genetically accursed, dentally challenged tribe is doomed by feudalism and their fondness of arguing with the French.


Comment from Nina from GCP
Time: March 4, 2010, 11:56 pm

When my eldest was first learning how to read she worked out a headline at the checkout that said something like “Elvis alive, abducted by aliens, plastic surgery allows him to live among us, could Elvis be your neighbor?!” She asked me if it was true, and when I told her that no, it probably wasn’t true, she was shocked to her little six year old socks. “You mean,” she gasped, “they can print things that aren’t true?”

So young to have treasured illusions shattered.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 4, 2010, 11:57 pm

Oh, thank you, SSA Fire. I’m sure you’ve just made me all kinds of friends over here.

So nobody’s going to ask me about the lady whose lips are made out of her vagina?


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: March 5, 2010, 12:03 am

SSAF – from the nation that gave us Spam, as its contribution to cuisine, and The Osmonds, for dentistry?

Ha!

Plague of warts coming your way! 😉


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 5, 2010, 12:06 am

Weez: I recall when I was in fifth grade the family next door to us had an issue of Midnight, the cover story of which involved a woman who saw (through a motel window) her husband cheating on her; she returned home, boiled up several pots of oil, poured same on her three sleeping children, then lighted the house on fire. The front page photos of the grizzly remains gave me nightmares for weeks.

BTW: I was going to say What a coinkydink, because my lips were made for vaginas. But figured nobody would appreciate a crack like that.


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: March 5, 2010, 12:07 am

Stoatie, you’ve just described half the posters at the Daily KOS…… 😉

and keith olberman…..


Comment from Allen
Time: March 5, 2010, 12:08 am

I was going to make several comments about the woman’s lips. But, Jeebus, this is an invitation to dive overboard, into shark infested waters.


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 5, 2010, 12:15 am

Yeah, there really isn’t any civilized way of discussing the story, is there?

When I was a kid, there was a man in our town who opened the door of his burning house, pulling flames out that severely burned his face. The surgeon who repaired it did the job with a patchwork of baby foreskins. He’d been saving them up. Baby tissue doesn’t have the same immunities and isn’t likely to be rejected.

True story.

And the jokes just tell themselves…


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 5, 2010, 12:25 am

Bet he married a blind girl.


Comment from Wiccapundit, the Red State Witch
Time: March 5, 2010, 12:27 am

jwpaine said:

BTW: I was going to say What a coinkydink, because my lips were made for vaginas. But figured nobody would appreciate a crack like that.

“Huh-huh, you said “crack”. Huh-huh.”
“Shut up, Beavis.”


Comment from Bob Sledd
Time: March 5, 2010, 12:34 am

I wonder what she considers lip-smackin’ good…


Comment from Gromulin
Time: March 5, 2010, 12:37 am

It’s not the lips…it’s the goatee thats the problem…


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: March 5, 2010, 12:45 am

Baaahahahahaha


Comment from Nina from GCP
Time: March 5, 2010, 1:18 am

So wrong! All of it!

Keep it up, please. 🙂


Comment from EW1(SG)
Time: March 5, 2010, 1:20 am

“You mean,” she gasped, “they can print things that aren’t true?

Had a classmate in a Psych class say the same thing.

Hmmm, the kidneys on toast doesn’t sound bad. I’ve always been partial to pancreases soaked in milk, then squished, then lightly floured and fried.

Don’t know what you call ’em though. Hell to order in a restaurant that way…usually the waiter or waitress gags off before I can get it all in.

And just not going to go for the lip smacking low down.


Comment from Deborah
Time: March 5, 2010, 1:41 am

I recall a story in Readers’ Digest (from a long time ago though) about a woman who was terribly disfigured in an accident. Her plastic surgeon took grafts from the thin skin of her labia and made exquisite lips for her (the tissue being nearly identical). Reckon it’s the same story?


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: March 5, 2010, 1:46 am

Oh God…. I just went back and caught Bob Sledd’s comment, and my dirty little sailors mind went “WOO HOO!!!”……

ALL KINDS of things that should never make the light of day….

BAD SCUBA!! BAD!!!!


Comment from Can’t hark my cry
Time: March 5, 2010, 1:52 am

Speaking of really weird stuff to eat (well, some people were doing that), the year after I graduated from high school I spent a month in Vienna with a high school friend and her parents. One evening we went out to eat at a famous game restaurant, and there was an item on the bilingual (German and English) menu which read “Pigeon droppings on toast.” My friend’s parents–who did speak German–had no idea what it was, and when I ran it through my handy-dandy pocket German-English dictionary it translated as “snipe filth on toast.” I’ve wondered ever since. . .


Comment from Tesla
Time: March 5, 2010, 1:52 am

Deborah, I am never going to be able to watch Casablanca the same way ever again.

You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.


Comment from weirdsister
Time: March 5, 2010, 2:22 am

Ohhhh, boy, has this conversation devolved, or what?!

Uncle Badger, don’t feel too put upon. I think that the French have gross cuisine all tied up.


Comment from She’s got Bette Davis’, uhm, eyes
Time: March 5, 2010, 2:23 am

It’s a mouthwash! It’s a douche!

Looking at the ad doesn’t clear up any confusion either….


Comment from Mrs. Compton
Time: March 5, 2010, 2:27 am

All I can think about the guy who burned off his face…. he got a great deal on 20% off. And does his face get turgid when he sees something racy?


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: March 5, 2010, 2:58 am

NO, SCUBA!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!


Comment from Bob Sledd
Time: March 5, 2010, 3:23 am

Sorry, I can’t talk now, my uvula has gone all stiff…


Comment from harbqll
Time: March 5, 2010, 3:29 am

@UB – 8 kidneys seems like a lot. How big is a lamb’s kidney?

The only ones I’ve ever seen were from cows (at the butcher shop) or from humans (in the lab). Lamb kidneys must be a lot smaller.


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: March 5, 2010, 3:53 am

If she kisses her mom on the lips, does that make her mother a lesbian?


Comment from Bob Sledd
Time: March 5, 2010, 3:58 am

Doctor: ‘How are the new lips working out?’
Woman: ‘Fine, I guess, but now my mouth has sort of a not-so-fresh feeling.’


Comment from Nina from GCP
Time: March 5, 2010, 4:07 am

Aieeeeeeeee!

/runs screaming


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: March 5, 2010, 4:57 am

Christ!! Now I have a perverted version of Lady Gaga’s ‘Poker Face’ running rampant through my head…

🙁

AHHHHHH!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME, STOATIE!!???


Comment from porknbeasn
Time: March 5, 2010, 6:09 am

Eating kidneys is equivalent to eating nostrils.

What is the nutritional value of a piss filter?


Comment from scubafreak
Time: March 5, 2010, 8:04 am

Umm, If the lady with the lips made from a vagina were to kiss the guy whos burned face was rebuilt with infant foreskins, would his face swell? Would she be guilty of paedophelia?

Would that count as fellatio?

If she performed a Monica on Bill Clinton, could he still claim that it isn’t REALLY sex?

I’m sorry, I can’t help it!


Comment from Bob Sledd
Time: March 5, 2010, 8:11 am

Dentist: ‘This is actually the first one I’ve seen that could bite.’


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 5, 2010, 1:23 pm

Thirty seven comments, and nobody’s called her “cunt face” yet. I’m really proud of you guys.


Comment from Bob Sledd
Time: March 5, 2010, 2:12 pm

Doctor: ‘How are the new lips working out?’
Cunt Face: ‘Fine, I guess, but now every time I see bratwurst, I get a wide smile and start drooling.’


Comment from steve
Time: March 5, 2010, 2:16 pm

OK, Uncle Badger….I give up!

I have seen apple corers, which core the apples, for those who wish to eat their apples, sans the core….

But I, for one, had no idea that lambs kidneys (or any other kidneys, for that matter) even had cores. And who among us would ever imagine that one should remove said kidney core before preparing and serving that kidney goo on a shingle….

And just what is it about these kidney cores that would make them even less paletable than the whole rest of the kidney?

Seeds? Stems?


Comment from EW1(SG)
Time: March 5, 2010, 3:57 pm

steve:

And just what is it about these kidney cores that would make them even less paletable than the whole rest of the kidney?

Kidneys have a thick strand of fibrous tissue in the center of them, similar in texture to the “silver skin” that you find (and remove from) the outside of a roast or a loin.

So, in that sense, very much like a “stem.”


Comment from steve
Time: March 5, 2010, 4:02 pm

EW1(SG):

“Kidneys have a thick strand of fibrous tissue in the center of them, similar in texture to the “silver skin” that you find (and remove from) the outside of a roast or a loin.”

Just one additional piece of information that I probably wish that I could have gone through the remainder of my life without actually knowing……


Comment from Bob Mulroy
Time: March 5, 2010, 5:41 pm

“All this means is that Britain’s really dumb people still read for entertainment.”

That would explain the continued existance of The Guardian


Comment from EW1(SG)
Time: March 5, 2010, 6:08 pm

steve:

Just one additional piece of information that I probably wish that I could have gone through the remainder of my life without actually knowing……

Dood! This is teh innernutz, man!

If you ask a question, somebody, somewhere, will answer it!


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: March 5, 2010, 7:23 pm

If she drinks a beer, does she risk a yeast infection?

If the guy with the face made of foreskins is Jewish, and decides to get a facelift, does the surgeon have to be a Rabbi?

If he starts drooling in his sleep, is it considered a wet dream?

Could kissing her get you arrested in states that ban oral sex?


Comment from meep
Time: March 5, 2010, 7:38 pm

About the vagina/lip thing, the article is using a sensationalist headline, but the use of tissue from the vaginal area is a legitimate practice in reconstructive surgery to rebuild a person’s lips. (Though I think it’s actually labial tissue they use and not specifically tissue from inside the vagina itself.)

SCIENCE!


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: March 5, 2010, 8:09 pm

Oh God… I SWEAR i’m never going to listen to Lady Gaga EVER again!!!!

That preverted version of Poker Face keeps running rampant through my cerebelum….. 🙁


Comment from Nina from GCP
Time: March 5, 2010, 9:15 pm

Stoaty really knows how to jumpstart witty repartee like nobody else, doesn’t she?

🙂


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: March 5, 2010, 9:47 pm

I just noticed the headline in the pic above about the woman who’s boob exploded. Does that mean that any woman that gets a boob job is now on the no-fly list?


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: March 5, 2010, 9:48 pm

To get back to kidneys … they’re really small, harbqll.

And nutritional value? Hateful though the idea might seem, most offal has a really high nutritional value – liver and kidneys in particular.

Of course, I’m a hypocrite. I’d barf if someone served me brains or testicles. Or, as her Stoatiness and I once saw when we were let loose in a Chinese supermarket, ‘pigs uterus’.

Cue Homer…. “Mmmm… pigs uterus!”


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: March 5, 2010, 9:51 pm

UB dude!! Deep Fried Rocky Mountain Oysters are da BOMB!!! They are just EXPLODING with flavor!!

(Of course, the special sauce leaves much to be desired)…

Of course, you could always try Geoduck sashimi and Cod Sperm Chowder….


Comment from Sporadic Small Arms Fire
Time: March 5, 2010, 10:44 pm

>> All this means is that Britain’s really dumb people
>> still read for entertainment.

Is that an indication of intellectual superiority?
or an acutely low level of disposable income? it takes quids to support welfare queens, underdocumented leechers and the Duchy of Balmoral. After all the porridge is slurped by those with no real interest in or skill of making loymey porridge, the pittance kept by the poor indentured chattel stands no chance of purchasing the 60″ Mitsubishi flat screen which is what the Stateside proletaryat might have chosen.

Give your blue collar Nigel Thisthlewhaite-Buncomberley two thousand of real green money and we’ll see what an avid reader he truly is…


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 5, 2010, 10:58 pm

Geez, Scoob…you been exposed to that picture all day, and you’ve just now noticed the boob story? I thought male brains had a special lobe for seeking out the word “breast.”


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: March 5, 2010, 11:21 pm

Stoatie, Lady Gaga has been bouncing around my poor abused Cerebelum singing “pu#$yface” for so long, i can hardly see straight……

It’s TORTURE!!!!!


Comment from Mrs. Peel
Time: March 6, 2010, 3:09 am

FTR, it’s not at all uncommon to use foreskins for skin grafts. Because the skin on freshly circumsized foreskins is so young, they can be stretched on a special type of nutrient scaffold, and the skin is induced to grow. You can get a decent-sized sheet of skin from one foreskin. I don’t remember the exact numbers, but it was something like a 400% growth. Here’s an article, complete with comments from guys who were “mutilated” as children.


Comment from Yes, it’s an old joke
Time: March 6, 2010, 4:31 am

You can get a decent-sized sheet of skin from one foreskin. I don’t remember the exact numbers, but it was something like a 400% growth.

When Rabbi Schwartz decided to retire at age 78, his wife decided to give him a special gift. He had saved every one of the hundreds of foreskins that he’d removed during circumcisions over the past 50 years. She took them to a leatherworker who tanned them and then stitched them together.

On the day of his retirement, his wife proudly handed him his gift. He opened the box, and said with dismay – Ovey! 50 years as a Rabbi and all I get for a retirement gift is this wallet?

“Oh!” said the leatherworker proudly, “If you rub it right, it turns into a suitcase!”


Comment from drew458
Time: March 6, 2010, 4:40 am

400% growth? I miss my younger days, but it was never that good even then!

… and that brings us to the mohel joke, right?


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: March 6, 2010, 5:03 am

“Who’s that knocking at my door? Who’s that knocking at my door?

Who’s that knocking at my door?” said the fair young maiden.

“Open the door you f***ing whore!” Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“Open the door you f***ing whore!” Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“Shall we go to the dance? Shall we go to the dance?

Shall we go to the dance?” said the fair, young maiden.

“The hell with the dance and down with your pants!” Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“The hell with the dance and down with your pants!” Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“What’s that thing between your legs? What’s that thing between your legs?

What’s that thing between your legs?” said the fair, young maiden.

“It’s only me pole to stick up your hole!” Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“It’s only me pole to stick up your hole!” Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“What’s that stuff around your pole? What’s that stuff around your pole?

What’s that stuff around your pole?” said the fair, young maiden.

“It’s only me grass to tickle your ass!” Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“It’s only me grass to tickle your ass!” Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“What’s that dripping down your leg? What’s that dripping down your leg?

What’s that dripping down your leg?” said the fair, young maiden.

“It’s only a shot that missed your twat!” Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“It’s only a shot that missed your twat!” Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“What if we should have a boy? What if we should have a boy?

What if we should have a boy?” said the fair, young maiden.

“He’ll go to sea and f*** like me!” Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“He’ll go to sea and f*** like me!” Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“What if we should have a girl? What if we should have a girl?

What if we should have a girl?” said the fair, young maiden.

“We’ll dig a ditch and bury the bitch!” Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“We’ll dig a ditch and bury the bitch!” Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“What if ma and pa come home? What if ma and pa come home?

What if ma and pa come home?” said the fair, young maiden.

“I’ll f*** your ma and blow your pa!” Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.

“I’ll f*** your ma and blow your pa!” Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: March 6, 2010, 5:04 am

Sorry, trying to dissuade Lady Gaga from returning…… 😉


Comment from steve
Time: March 6, 2010, 12:57 pm

That should do it!


Comment from Sockless Joe
Time: March 6, 2010, 10:01 pm

Knew a guy in high school who had had cosmetic surgery on his Dumbo-ish ears using skin from his, eh… posterior.


Comment from BillT
Time: March 9, 2010, 2:47 pm

One of my buds sustained a crushed cervical vertebra in a helicopter crash. Doctor replaced it with part of his coccyx.

He actually thought it was funny when we nicknamed him “Butthead”…

Scuba — If you had a date with Lady Gaga during her menstrual cycle, d’you think she’d let you Poker Face?

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