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Go on, pull the other one…

christmas crackers

The last of the Christmas crackers. It’s a sort of Christmas-themed party favor popular among the Brittanians. They come apart with a bang (the crackers, not the limies), and each one contains a toy, a paper crown and a very bad joke. The quality of them is highly variable, depending on price — except the joke, which is always and famously bad.

I think you’re supposed to get one beside your plate at Christmas dinner. But as it’s just us, we tend to pull crackers on all the evenings leading up to Christmas…and sometimes the week leading up to New Year’s Eve, too — depending on how over-zealously Uncle B has supplied us with crackers for the year. Many are the photographs of Our Majesties drunkenly sporting paper crowns at improbable angles. Very regal.

Pretty good crackers this year.

Anyhoo, the last cracker has been pulled, and Ol’ Stoaty is headed back Stateside. I mean, right now. My plane leaves noonish, Central Badger Time and arrives at the final destination nineish, Central Weasel Time. Which, taking into account transportation to and from airports and timezones and all that jazz, means Monday is a 24-hour day of travel. And Tuesday morning, I go in to work.

Still, after all those goopy posts about champagne and misteltoe and chestnuts roasting on an open fire, please enjoy the astringent, palate-cleansing tang of abject misery.

¡Mañana, minions!

sock it to me

Comments


Comment from Lokki
Time: January 7, 2008, 9:47 am

Er, Badger, I’m not one to grumble (much) or complain (loudly) or even to whine (overly-long) but Weasel mentioned a bad joke – and then left without telling it.

I understand her concerns about being caught by American Customs importing bad British humor, but duty and honor require taking some risks, dammit!

So, uhm, what was the joke in the last cracker of the year?

 


Comment from Gibby Haynes
Time: January 7, 2008, 10:36 am

I don’t even bother to read the jokes anymore. And I grew out of wearing the paper hats when I was around 4. But sometimes you can get awesome toys like tiny decks of cards or tiny yo-yos or tiny stickytape dispensers or tiny screwdriver sets or tiny waterpistols or tiny notepads or tiny sewing kits. No such luck this year though.
Here are some lame cracker jokes in no particular order of lamidity:
What does Father Christmas give his reindeer on cold mornings? Santa freeze.

How do you stop a skunk smelling? Hold its nose.

Why do barbers make good drivers? Because they know all the short cuts.

And here’s one you won’t understand if you’re not British (but still isn’t funny): Which bear is white and smells of peppermint? A polo bear.

Happy trails Weas.

 


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: January 7, 2008, 11:14 am

Thank you for saving me the walk of shame, Gibby.

Actually, the jokes in our crackers were even worse.

Which is strange, as we had all those toys… umm… except the yo-yo.

 


Comment from Dawn
Time: January 7, 2008, 12:29 pm

Traveling mercies, Stoaty.

8 members of my husband’s family were in a rollover bus crash last night coming home from a Colorado ski trip. His cousin has some pretty severe shoulder injuries and another cousin’s wife is in surgery right now for a broken leg. The bus is just a mess…
http://www.kutv.com/media/news/8/1/4/814f9c4f-23ec-4a7e-9616-978ccc7531d0/Original.jpg

 


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: January 7, 2008, 1:36 pm

I hope they all recover swiftly, Dawn.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: January 7, 2008, 2:05 pm

Wow, Dawn. No fender-bender, that.

Best wishes to you and all my prayers for your folks…..

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: January 7, 2008, 3:36 pm

Jeez – 8 people also died in that crash.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,320566,00.html

 


Comment from porknbean
Time: January 7, 2008, 3:50 pm

Yikes Dawn, that wreckage looks horrible. Best wishes for your family members speedy recovery.

 


Comment from porknbean
Time: January 7, 2008, 4:20 pm

Ooooo…toys inside Christmas crackers you say? Do they resemble Kinder Egg loot?
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2140/2176189590_4956abd87e.jpg

I admit it, I’m a ‘prize’ retard.

 


Comment from Dawn
Time: January 7, 2008, 4:26 pm

Thanks McGoo. I know what you said was no small thing.

 


Comment from Dawn
Time: January 7, 2008, 4:26 pm

Beaner. I heart kinder eggs!

 


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: January 7, 2008, 4:53 pm

Hi porknbean – not really like that, no. They range from the really rubbish (like a giant plastic paperclip or hair ornament) to the really quite useful, like the things Gibby mentioned.

Weasel got a really neat little sewing kit in one of hers. So if on the way back she pops a button on the stoat-suit, she can quickly organise a running repair.

Not that we ate a lot over the festivities.

Heaven forend!

 


Comment from porknbean
Time: January 7, 2008, 5:01 pm

Beaner. I heart kinder eggs!

When the husband goes on business to Germany, he usually brings some home. Kids eat the chocolate and give me the toys. A lot are crap but I love the critters and figures like those Star Wars hippos. Hmmm…it’s been a couple of years since he brought any home.

I got them once or twice in the past via Ebay via Canadian shops that ship within a week.

 


Comment from porknbean
Time: January 7, 2008, 5:11 pm

They range from the really rubbish (like a giant plastic paperclip or hair ornament) to the really quite useful, like the things Gibby mentioned.

Back in my grandmother’s day, Cracker Jacks would have such things as Gibby mentioned. Even had tiny pocket knives….hmmm…I even remember getting one when I was quite small. God forbid the children of today get their fingers seared by such an instrument of satanic proportions as their prize.

http://www.crackerjack.com/home.htm

 


Comment from Dawn
Time: January 7, 2008, 5:15 pm

Man you can find some interesting junk on the tubes when your snowed in with the kiddos.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_songs_deemed_inappropriate_by_Clear_Channel_following_the_September_11%2C_2001_attacks

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: January 7, 2008, 5:15 pm

No, Dawn – I do not offer my prayers lightly. But they are sincerely meant when offered.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: January 7, 2008, 5:45 pm

I miss the good prizes in Crackerjack. I had the creme-de-la-creme prize when I was a li’l dinghy – the compass. But my grandpa gave that to me.

Everyone wanted/hoped/prayed for the compass.

Political Correctness sucks like deep space.

When I was a kid we actually ‘sploded stuff! I actally made black powder in the garage and damned near blew up dads workbench. I still love the smell of burned black powder…

Those were the days…

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: January 7, 2008, 6:39 pm

Oh, shoot, Dawn…hope things turn out okay for the in-laws. No such drama here. Nine hours from Gatwick to Charlotte (ulch) and another two and a bit from Charlotte to Boston. Then the bus. Then a cab. Then a nice big whisky, I think.

Hooray for Charlotte airport and their free wifi!

 


Comment from Dawn
Time: January 7, 2008, 7:24 pm

My hubber grew up exploding things. His uncle was the chief of police so they could get away with lots of stuff. The town he grew up in (about 18 miles from where we live now) still fires an anvil around town every Fourth of July. Four or so years ago they finally said we couldn’t throw water balloons at people from the back of pickup trucks anymore. It was too dangerous – stupid hippies! So now we don’t go.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: January 7, 2008, 7:55 pm

Anvil shooting! *heartrate doubles*

I know what that is! It’s neat!

IIRC, they put an anvil on top of another one (I think) that has a little cubbyhole carved out on top. Ya put a wad of black powder in the cubbyhole, put the top anvil over the cubbyhole, light the fuse, and get away. Or sumpin like that. Anyway:

It’s REALLY loud, and blows the top anvil waaaaaaay the whoop-dee-doo up in the air. It then – inevitably – falls back down, and makes a big hole in the ground where it buries itself. Then a bunch of folks go pry it out of the ground so’s they can do it again.

I have wanted to do that for about ten years and have not gotten to.

 


Comment from Dawn
Time: January 7, 2008, 7:56 pm

McGoo – you’ll like this….

http://www.cannon-mania.com/anvil.htm

You need to move out west!

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: January 7, 2008, 8:08 pm

Yep. That’s anvil shooting! 200 lbs of ringing projectile, going more-or-less straight up.

There’s a subtle reason you don’t do it in suburbia – but it escapes me right now…

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: January 8, 2008, 12:40 am

Back. That’s 22 hours on the road, thenkyewverymuch. The old stoat still has it in her.

The house is…strange. The workmen didn’t get to everything, but they got to a lot. I have no curtains. I feel like a bug under glass. One cat present and accounted for. Stuff is…moved around oddly. There’s a lampshade on the kitchen table, but the lamp has vanished (I wouldn’t ordinarily care, but it’s a converted oil lamp that belonged to my great grandmother). There are foreign cleaning products on my kitchen counter. There’s a half-drunk glass of…something in the fridge. The icecubes in it haven’t entirely melted.

Whenever we get all this consolidated at Badger House, we’re instituting a shoot-on-sight policy for strangers and workmen, I tell you what.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: January 8, 2008, 12:56 am

Oh, and there’s a sofa and armchair on the curb in front of my house that does not belong to me.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: January 8, 2008, 1:24 am

Oh.

I guess we minions should…um…explain that sofa…

Now don’t get – y’know – upset or anything…

 


Comment from Shuko
Time: January 8, 2008, 9:51 am

See, the cat had a hell of a shin-dig while you were away, and one of his polecat buddies thought it’d be a good idea to bring in some furniture, seein’ as how most o’ yours has been taken away. This particular polecat has rather… “questionable” sources, and suffice it to say that those particular articles of furniture didn’t respond well to firehoses…

Er… on the plus side, you won’t have to smell the urine stains this way!

 


Comment from Gibby Haynes
Time: January 8, 2008, 10:08 am

While the weasel is away, the minions will…fuck shit up.

Sorry to hear about your relatives Dawn. But just think how much worse it could’ve been. Uhg, bus crashes must be awful. All that mass, and no seatbelts…

 


Comment from Shuko
Time: January 8, 2008, 10:49 am

When I was a kid I used to bug the bus driver about why she got a seatbelt but we didn’t. :p She used to respond (jokingly) that bus drivers were more expensive to replace than schoolkids. You could often find schoolkids on sale at Target or K-Mart dirt cheap.

I always wanted seatbelts on the bus. The kids were mean, and they liked shoving the person on the end of the seat out on the sharper turns. That person was usually me, lol. I always figured I’d take my chances with the seatbelts, because the way I saw it, we were more likely to crash on land than we were in the water where I lived. :p

I hope your folks have a speedy recovery and little to no mental scarring, Dawn. They seem like strong people to make it through that (relatively) intact. 😐

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: January 8, 2008, 2:19 pm

With the Internet, my education never stops:

I just found out what a Cleveland Steamer is.

Y’know – someone famous said, “There’s nothing new under the sun.”

They were so full of shit….

 


Comment from porknbean
Time: January 8, 2008, 3:04 pm

Once our son got the pyro bug, we said he could commence with burnings so long as it was when we were home, it was outside/away from the house, and he had a bucket of water handy. (Had to kick his butt twice for messing with matches in the garage and burning crap with candles in the livingroom.)

Nevertheless, he had good fun with fire crackers and water bombs and has now outgrown his pyro tendencies.

 


Comment from Dawn
Time: January 8, 2008, 5:12 pm

McGoo, you are grounded for the rest of the day for that!

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: January 8, 2008, 5:34 pm

So it’s a good thing I didn’t Google it from work? I had this gut feeling…

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: January 8, 2008, 5:41 pm

It gets way worse.

Dawn – Weaz – do NOT google the Bob & Tom song of the same name. And don’t play it. And do NOT listen to the lyrics.

This place right here is what you specifically should NOT click on:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_DEp1lz0CM

…I told you not to…

 


Comment from Dirty Sanchez
Time: January 8, 2008, 6:17 pm

Cleveland Steamer?

You people are sick.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: January 8, 2008, 6:21 pm

Dirty S – you should talk!

BTW: Welcome home, Weazel! Did the other cat show up?

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: January 8, 2008, 6:32 pm

Yeah. Both cats. AND the lamp (it’s in the basement).

I’ll send that link to my boss…

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: January 8, 2008, 7:07 pm

So…all cats and lamps accounted for. Ya, ya, dis ist gut…

You should send your boss the Pie Hole link too. If for no other reason than because its stupid.

Then go over to http://raymitheminx.com/ and copy the photo of her mooning the camera and send that to your boss. That’ll get your exit paperwork started. You’re welcome!

If you can’t find it, I (harrumph!) might be able to help.

 


Comment from Naive
Time: January 8, 2008, 7:25 pm

Cleveland steamer? Gross.
Do freaks really do that? Why? Dr. McGoo, after your grounding I want a psychological evaluation of Pelosi’s constituents.

 


Comment from porknbean
Time: January 8, 2008, 7:32 pm

I clicked on that link McGoo, and I am happy to say that ignorance, in some cases, is bliss. I’m thinking ‘why is he singing about these things and why is it supposed to be funny’. And if Sanchez is dirty, then he needs to take a bath.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: January 8, 2008, 7:33 pm

I can hardly believe that’s what Wikipedia is actually for.

I learned long ago not to cast my net too widely in an images.google.com search. There are pictures in my head now I’d rather weren’t there.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: January 8, 2008, 7:44 pm

I am much of the same mind, Weaz. I know I shouldn’t, but I never quite learn. It’s my monkey curiosity.

I ran into the Cleveland thing quite by accident today – just as I did on the Dirty Sanchez (which stunned the shit out of me) a month or two ago. All those terms in the B&T song? I remain in blissful ignorance.

But then – not 30 minutes ago – I turned right around and looked up strangland.com because of that Russian hacker article on Ace.

Don’t go to strangeland,com. Cherish your naiveté.

 

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