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I wonder if he dotted his squiggles with hearts

They’ve got Osama’s diary. The jokes just write themselves.

At least, I hope so. I didn’t write any.


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: May 11, 2011, 11:19 pm

Stoatie – did you hear that the White House FINALLY released one of the Bin Laden pics that they’ve been holding back on?



Comment from Osama Bin Ladin
Time: May 11, 2011, 11:58 pm

May 2, 2011

Dear Diary,

Mohammed (PBUH) on a fucking moped! I can’t believe they’re STILL pissed off after all these years! Allahdammit, it was only a few airplanes and a couple of buildings! Get over it already! I swear, it’s not like they don’t have shitloads of those things all over the place. To this day I still just don’t understand the superfreakout. I’m so sick of being stuck in this place. I swear if I don’t get out of here soon I’ll just go bugfuck crazy. What the hell is that? Someone is banging on my door at this time of night? I guess I better go see what’s going on. BRB.

Comment from Scubafreak
Time: May 12, 2011, 12:06 am

Damn, and he was JUST starting to enjoy that new IPhone, too….. LOL

Comment from Oceania
Time: May 12, 2011, 1:31 am

Well, where is the body?
All we are hearing is noise … and noise isn’t good enough.

Comment from Scubafreak
Time: May 12, 2011, 2:24 am

Thats all we ever get from you, flash. NOISE.

ever heard of a butt-plug?

Comment from Amal Ahmed Abdulfattah in Yemen AKA Wife #5
Time: May 12, 2011, 2:26 am

Dear Diary,

Just another day here in Abbotobad. Same day we had yesterday, and the day before that and the…oh, you get the idea. Wife # 3 and Wife #4 are acting like such bitches because Big Daddy will only allow me to attend him. F*@&ing honor that is, let me tell you.

He smells. If he’s not farting, he’s wetting the bed. #3 points and laughs and calls me “Daddy’s Pet”. I offered her my burkha, it’s not like he’ll turn away from the TV long enough to look which one of us is under it but Nooooooooo….I’m beginning to believe that they’re happier acting like termagants.

Still not cleaning. The Pakastani Stand Off over who’s turn it is to dust and vacuum going on 5 years now but I’m not doing it. Locked up in this room attending to the dirty, smelly, lice infested leader of “El Queso” is more blessings bestowed from Allah than I can stand.

Oh my Allah, I’m going crazy here. Just once–once–I wish something exciting would happen around here.

Sigh…His Al Queda-ness is calling, says we must turn in for the night and he’s been on that magic herbal wiener juice so you know what that means . Nights like these just draaaaag on and on and on and on…

Allah, I wish he would just die. I could go to America and be on Oprah.

Amal A. Abdulfattah

Comment from some vegetable
Time: May 12, 2011, 5:14 am

Day 1345: Well friend diary, today was another one just like the other one. Wife #4 (Fatima?) Was making veiled threats about having an affair with my last damn guard if I don’t put her back in the rotation. So… he’s gotta go. Anyhow, those Americans couldn’t find me if there was a military band playing outside my window day and night. Which is getting kind of old by the way. Hope those kids over at the academy are better with guns than they are with musical instruments.

And wife # 2 is bitching about that burka that I gave her for her birthday. Says it makes her look like an old bag in an old bag.
Didn’t help matters when #5 agreed with her. They told me she was a nice girl when I bought her, but if she was such a innocent virgin why did she start laughing when I showed her my staff? Well, she wasn’t laughing when I sent Abdul back to Afghanistan on a marytr mission.

Now if I can just get one of them – any one to just clean up a little. Why can’t the man who humbled the great satan get a little respect around here? Hell, I couldn’t even get one to iron the sheet for the backdrop in my video last week.
Truely the prophet was right when he said that girls are for gabbin’ and sheep are for sleepin’.

Well, got to sleep now. Tomorrow will be a busy day. Oprah is on at 9, and then I have to dye my beard. Then i have to google those trains Obama keeps rambling on about. Zawahiri suggested that I should blow up the “Lionel line”. But why was he laughing when he said it?

Comment from Oceania
Time: May 12, 2011, 6:42 am

Hey Scooby Doooo!
Why don’t you move to Simi Valley and suck in some burnt reactor parts?

Or even better, see what your TSA are up to, or more correctly, into. With their kinky nylex gloves too!
American kiddy pluggers!


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: May 12, 2011, 7:44 am

I’ve been to Simi Valley. I’ll stay where I am, thank you.

Comment from Oceania
Time: May 12, 2011, 8:13 am

Great little place Simi … rhymes with Semi-palatinsk …

Not one, but three melt downs.

Comment from EastAsia
Time: May 12, 2011, 1:45 pm

Way, way OT. But, are martens related to weasels?


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: May 12, 2011, 2:13 pm

Yes, indeed…pine martens are mustelids. And grown up ones are lovely, shy animals…they look like giant weasels.

They have a few at our local mustelid center.

Comment from Mark Matis
Time: May 12, 2011, 4:09 pm

But purple martens are for the birds…

Comment from Can’t hark my cry
Time: May 12, 2011, 5:51 pm

And Doc Martens? Boot’s on the other foot, what?

Comment from Pablo
Time: May 13, 2011, 3:28 am

I’ve been to Simi Valley. I’ll stay where I am, thank you.

I saw snow falling there about 20 years ago. Actual, out of the sky snow, not this thing. The natives were very curious about it. It must have been the nukes.

Comment from David Gillies
Time: May 13, 2011, 6:48 am

Stoatie – it’s altogether possible that is your best creation yet. I’m agog. The infantile nature of these dung-beetles is one of their most important aspects. Islamism is deadly and it’s childish. It’s a toddler with an AK-47. Keep up the mockery.

Comment from Pablo
Time: May 13, 2011, 6:15 pm

OK, time for everyone to play Captain Renault and be SHOCKED!

Exclusive: Pornography found in bin Laden hideout

Comment from Noelegy
Time: May 13, 2011, 6:34 pm

Random thoughts: How about pine martens? Jethro Tull did a song called “The Pine Marten’s Jig.”

You made OBL so cute and cuddly!

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