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Wait a second, *I’m* Neighborhood Watch

Yes, I joined the Neighborhood Watch! I guess that makes me a G. Zimmerman wannabe. Pretty much the whole parish joined up when PC Plod started one last month. We were promised gossipy emails about our neighbors, which have been pretty boring so far, to be honest.

I know what you’re thinking — da fuq? Yes, truly, a Bobby smiling benevolently over Bonnie Franklin, Duke Ellington and a Child of the Corn is really the official logo of the UK Neighborhood Watch. Or was; I think the more recent one is houses with eyes.

I know what else you’re thinking — how much crime can there be, out there in leafy rural England, with the sheep and the chickens and rosebushes? Well, that just goes to show how much YOU know, Mr/Mrs/Miss/Mz Smartypants. We have quite a lot of crime in our sleepy parish, mostly drive-by theft.

Sheep stealing. Gate stealing (scrap metal is very hot here at the mo’). Fuel oil stealing. Equipment stealing. We had a ritual ewe decapitation last Hallowe’en eve. *shakes fist* pesky Satanists!

Some years ago, one of the dimmer sons of the parish kidnapped a local elderly Duchess. Threw her over his shoulder and ran into the night, hoping for…no-one’s quite sure, actually. Whatever it was, he got a custodial sentence instead.

And then there was the fleeing bank robber who rolled his car into the ditch at our notorious bad corner. He ran to the nearest farmhouse soaking wet, pulled some dry clothes off the line, and appeared at the kitchen door in a sun dress demanding breakfast, quite forgetting that farmers are often armed. The daughter of the house chased him across the fields with daddy’s shotgun, screaming, “come back or I’ll blow your balls off!”

Sadly, they won’t let me go on patrol with anything more powerful than bitter sarcasm. I may get to man a speed trap, though!

July 16, 2013 — 10:42 pm
Comments: 45