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I’ll take “games that are a little too much like reality” for 500

So I bought the Stanley Parable in the Steam sale. You wake up in a cubicle, and then…it’s supposed to be better if you don’t know anything about the game before you start, so I won’t spoil anyone’s fun. Main problem I have, I’m not sure when I’m done.

True story: I dream about my old job almost every night. It’s partly because I worked the same job in the same building for so long, but I think it’s mostly because I left with a whimper. Most of my long-time colleagues had either left before me or were out of town when I left. I didn’t get, like, a big party or anything.

So, in my dreams, I’ve always popped back over to clear up a few last things. I don’t know anybody and I’m always getting lost in the corridors and hoping nobody figures out I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. Five years, and I’m still having that stupid dream five nights out of seven.

Good weekend, all. Sunday is Twelfth Night, if anybody’s counting. I suppose I shall try to bestir myself to politics come Monday.

Or not.

January 3, 2014 — 11:48 pm
Comments: 13

I made this!

Because I am a monkey! A stupid, stupid monkey!

For those of you who don’t game (which I assume is most of you), Steam is a gaming application that allows you to buy, store and play games. I’ve posted about it before. I didn’t like the idea when I was first forced to join (it was the only way to purchase HalfLife2), but then I had a catastrophic computer failure and…Steam quietly downloaded all my old games onto the new computer.

Okay, I still don’t like the idea of cloud computing, but that there was pretty neat. I admit it.

Then Steam introduced the concept of achievements. I don’t know if they invented the idea, but it means if you do certain non-obvious things in a game — kill a certain number of foes by using your gravity gun to fling toilets at them, for example — you ‘unlock’ an ‘achievement.’ Which is a little icon. Which other people can see if you look at your profile.

Bear with me. It hasn’t gotten as losery as it gets yet.

Then they introduced the idea of virtual trading cards. You get these things mostly by playing games. They just appear in your inventory after a certain amount of gameplay, I think. Which made everybody (well, me’n the other losers) go back and play ancient games just to get the card drops. Because, monkey.

But wait, there’s more. You can’t get the entire set by playing. You get about half. You get the rest by trading in the trading forum, or buying them in the Steam marketplace. Sell any duplicates or unwanted cards, buy the ones you don’t have. They go for about 10p apiece, on average. All of which goes in and out of your Steam wallet, which you can use to buy games. From Steam.

Oh, it gets losery still. Once you get a complete set of any one card, you can ‘craft’ a badge. Which creates a little icon. You can stick on your profile. In case anyone in the whole wide world is losery enough to check your profile and gives a flying fuck at a rolling donut if there’s a badge on your account.

Nope. Still haven’t plumbed the depths. Another way you earn cards is by buying stuff during the semi-annual Steam sales — a card for every $10 worth of games. Also, by voting on what should go on sale next — a card per every three votes. You can vote every eight hours, and the sale was about 10 days long. It’s just finished.

And here’s where we plumb the very depths of my loseriness. When I went to check my account this evening, there was a little announcement that the Steam Sale 2013 Badge could only be crafted for a limited time. I don’t even remember how many hours, I just panicked and ran to the marketplace for those last two cards.

And there it is: my Steam Sale 2013 Stupid Monkeybadge. I hope you’re impressed.

— 12:49 am
Comments: 23