web analytics

Excuse me. I’m a little horse.


I’ve got a cold today. Or swine flu. Or the plague. Or an attack of hypochondria.

Lurgee. That’s a good English word.

Creeping epizootic. That’s a US Southern colloquial expression for lurgee, if you pronounce it “eppyzooootick,” but it’s a technical term for a localized epidemic among animals if you pronounce it “epizo-otic.”

Ah. I’m delirious. I told you I was sick.

The horses? From a village fête some weeks ago. You should’ve seen those adorable little bastards do the riverdance.

In conclusion:

Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm
Stoaty Weasel Badger.


October 6, 2009 — 6:31 pm
Comments: 26

You know, that title could be taken another way


We visited friends in Alfriston Sunday, and they were like, “there’s a free screening of the Age of Stupid here today. You should go!” And we’re, like, “oh! Ummm…ha. Yeah. Ah. Mmmm. Heh heh heh.”

Have you heard of this turkey? It’s an indy film about an archivist from 2055 who looks back at footage of our time and wonders, “ZOMG, why didn’t they listen to the hippies about globular warmening????” It’s got all the important scientific issues: Iraq, Nigeria, wind farms, hurricane Katrina. McDonald’s and Wal*Mart (probably. Just guessing here).

It’s less charty and graphy than An Inconvenient Truth; it’s more an attempt to put a human face on pants-peeing alarmism. As one user on IMDB put it, “it’s possible that even Sarah Palin herself could not fail to be affected by the story of Fernand Pareau, an octogenarian French mountain guide, showing us the glacier he loves as it withers away before his eyes.”

Whoof. Excuse me. Just step around that for now and I’ll clean it up in a sec.

The film premiered in New York on September 21 and all the world’s most prominent scientists were there: Kofi Annan, Gillian Anderson. Moby. That freaky-looking dude from Radiohead.

Anyhoo, in case this embarrassing invitation crops up again, I’ve pre-jiggered five reasons I can’t go see your stupid global warmening movie:

1 My mom was so terrified by The Population Bomb, she had an abortion rather than let me be one of the hundreds of millions who starved in the 1970s.

2 In 1983, I went out into the new Ice Age, licked a flagpole and I’ve been stuck to it ever since. Please come get me; I’m cold and lonely.

3 I ate a delicious t-bone steak in a restaurant London in 1998 and was one of the 100,000 to die horribly of Mad Cow disease.

4 Dude! Are you kidding? The grid hasn’t worked around here since the Y2K disaster. I’ve spent the last nine years living in a yurt eating treebark sammiches.

5 I gots de swine flu. Okay, strike that one. The flu pandemic still has time to be an actual catastrophe, for reals this time.

In case I’m being too fucking subtle here the professional catastrophe-mongers are always wrong. Bad scientists and conmen have been trying to sell the apocalypse to a weary public over and over again since…since science overtook Jesus as the main faith of the West.

Man-made global warmening is just the most recent. They’ve gotten clever with this con, though — the deadline is far, far in the future. We must act RIGHT NOW…but we’ll never know for sure how much they’ve played us for chumps. We won’t live that long.

October 5, 2009 — 3:33 pm
Comments: 51

It’s crashing. It’s crashing terrible. Oh, the huge vanity…!


I. CAN. NOT. BE-LIEVE that our greenhorn president really, genuinely went to Copenhagen to lobby for Chicago to get the Olympics. Like others, I assumed he had it in the bag before flying out to accept the honor (which was tacky enough, but just inside the bounds). To prostrate THE OFFICE OF MY COUNTRY’S PRESIDENT before the international gang of midget wrestlers that is the Olympic Committee, and to do it ON SPEC?! AND FAIL?!

Oh, I am sorely vexed. I’m not sure the heady pleasure of watching him crash and burn can make up for the hot ouchy of the international humiliation. Can somebody fax this bozo a copy of the job description, please?

There ought to be some kind of Internet Snark Award for the wag at Drudge who came up with the headline The Ego Has Landed.

EDIT: changed ‘humanity’ to ‘huge vanity.’ Thenk yew, lauraw.

October 2, 2009 — 2:03 pm
Comments: 41

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: the chicken diaper


We’ve kinda, sorta entertained the idea of keeping a few chickens. But our garden is too small, we’re too close to the road. Oh, and I fucking HATE chickens. But I was doing a bit of chicken window shopping (as you do) when I ran across this saucy little number.

Our totally revamped diaper comes with everything you need to keep your chicken indoors. It’s easy to position and secure, durable and user-friendly. The pouch is lined for extra security against spills. Included with each order are simple instructions as well as one, easily removable, heavy-duty vinyl liner that velcroes into place. Adjustable design, plus five sizes to choose from, means it’ll perfectly fit the size of your bird. Shipping is included!

Great For:

●Injured hens that need to recuperate indoors.
●Show birds that need to be separated from the flock in the months before before the show.
●Beloved family pets who you couldn’t dream of putting outside.

Okay, it’s hard enough to imagine the existence of such a mythical beast as a beloved family chicken, but now that we’ve got our thinking caps on, let’s imagine how much fun it would be to try to lay an egg through this contraption.

Still with me? Okay, now close your eyes, ball up your fists and imagine what it’s like to take this thing off at the end of the day.

October 1, 2009 — 7:10 pm
Comments: 30