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Goat butt jokes are evergreen

I’m getting a real Steve Reeves in Hercules vibe off the protagonist in my new game. Mostly his voice. I’m not sure if it enhances it or distracts me.

-=SPOILER=- The thing in his right hand, by the way, is the prosthetic eye of the character nicknamed Cyclops. You are about to jam it up the bum of a goat. After stressing to you how valuable the eye is, I was disturbed the game didn’t give me an opportunity to retrieve it.

Yeah, I’d do it. I’ve seen enough episodes of All Creatures Great and Small.

Anyway, I looked up Hercules and discovered that many if not all MST3K episodes are on YouTube. (Hercules is #502). I guess after capping every episode with “keep circulating the tapes” they couldn’t very well complain about piracy.

July 6, 2020 — 8:44 pm
Comments: 3

Dead Pool Round 131: AAAAAHHHHH I’M LAAAATE

SHITSHITSHIT. Lookit the time! Holy geez.

Currently wins the dick with Carl Reiner. That is all.

GOGOGOGO!

0. Rule Zero (AKA Steve’s Rule): your pick has to be living when picked. Also, nobody whose execution date is circled on the calendar. Also, please don’t kill anybody. Plus (Pupster’s Rule) no picking someone who’s only famous for being the oldest person alive.

1. Pick a celebrity. Any celebrity — though I reserve the right to nix picks I never heard of (I don’t generally follow the Dead Pool threads carefully, so if you’re unsure of your pick, call it to my attention).

2. We start from scratch every time. No matter who you had last time, or who you may have called between rounds, you have to turn up on this very thread and stake your claim.

3. Poaching and other dirty tricks positively encouraged.

4. Your first choice sticks. Don’t just blurt something out, m’kay? Also, make sure you have a correct spelling of your choice somewhere in your comment. These threads get longish and I use search to figure out if we have a winner.

5. It’s up to you to search the thread and make sure your choice is unique. I’m waayyyy too lazy to catch the dupes. Popular picks go fast.

6. The pool stays open until somebody on the list dies. Feel free to jump in any time. Noobs, strangers, drive-bys and one-comment-wonders — all are welcome.

7. If you want your fabulous prize, you have to entrust me with a mailing address. If you’ve won before, send me your address again. I don’t keep good records.

8. The new DeadPool will begin 6pm WBT (Weasel’s Blog Time) the Friday after the last round is concluded.

The winner, if the winner chooses to entrust me with a mailing address, will receive an Official Certificate of Dick Winning and a small original drawing on paper suffused with elephant shit particles. Because I’m fresh out of fairy shit particles.

July 3, 2020 — 6:04 pm
Comments: 59

Take two

Meh. I just abandoned a post partway through.

I watched a complete walkthrough of the game The Last of Us 2 last week. In case you’ve missed the controversy, it’s another lost battle in the culture war (it’s oh, so painful and woke). But apparently I can’t explain why without gibbering at great length and most of you aren’t the least interested in video games.

So let me leave it at this: the picture is a new character. Here she is, exhausted from slowly beating to death your favorite character from the first game with a golf club, while your other favorite character watches, screaming and crying. It happens about two hours in.

Then you get to spend ten hours playing as her. The murderer. Who is totally a woman and not a transsexual or anything.

The message of the game is ‘hate is bad’. Because of all the shitty things that happen to your other favorite character as she seeks revenge. Not because of anything bad that happens to Tranny McMa’am here. She’s fine.

It’s a thoroughly miserable experience from start to finish. And some (many!) people are calling it a masterpiece because anything that hurts this much has got to be grown up and deep, right?

p.s. The graphics were really beautiful. Not going to lie, I’m dying to play a good game with scenery this wonderfully rendered.

July 2, 2020 — 9:17 pm
Comments: 13

Look what Uncle B growed me

I love an artichoke in drawn butter. Drawn garlic butter.

Oh, I’m hungry now. My lunch was disappointing. I tried making salmon croquettes for the first time and they tasted a lot salmonier than my mom’s, somehow.

Anyway, I’ve been amusing myself watching CHAZ come down in realtime. Or CHOP or CHOO CHOO or whatever that loose collection of trust fund babies, upstanding persons of color and hobos were calling themselves by the end. They sure showed us. Now we know a world without cops is possible, provided we’re willing to put up with six shootings, two fatal, in a four-block area over a three week period.

Though to be fair, it was much worse in Chicago, which has plenty of cops.

Somebody had Carl Reiner in the Dead Pool. Uncle Al says it’s somebody named Currently. I’ll confirm that when I queue up a new Dead Pool day after tomorrow.

July 1, 2020 — 7:39 pm
Comments: 10

Sir! Put that away before you hurt someone!

I’ve finished my ancient Egypt game and start the ancient Greece game. I wasn’t prepared for the long swimming sequences. Still images can’t convey the care with which they have animated this gentleman’s tackle rolling about in his underpants.

I don’t always love the gameplay in the Assassin’s Creed games, but I adore the meticulous open worlds. The first one, set in the Holy Land, was my first taste of just wandering around a cityscape gawping at stuff.

I think the Egypt one was my favorite. It was an enormous playing field, even including freaky sequences set in the Egyptian afterlife. I have just about finished it up, every drop, though.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, Tuesday night is muh gaming night…

June 30, 2020 — 8:33 pm
Comments: 5

Hello! I’m late!

Sorry. I’ve spent my entire evening trying to organize a Zoom meeting with my neighbors. Organizing a Zoom meeting for work was one thing. Organizing a work meeting was like herding cats.

This was like herding cats and dogs that hate each other. And have rabies. And are on fire.

I have nothing left for you but this amusing photograph I took about a year ago. Which is, I kid you not, a selfie. Somewhere under that pile of goofy polish pom-poms is me.

How many chickens do you see in the picture?

June 29, 2020 — 9:13 pm
Comments: 11

Almost famous

We never watch TV news, because you know why. But we decided to watch the local news last night to see what they had to say about the beach problems on the South coast.

Turns out, a film crew used the end of our lane as a backdrop. While I was there, y’all. I mean, I was totally behind a bush, which I was in the process of trimming, but I was there, y’all.

I squeaked to Uncle B, “look! I’m on TV! I’m totally behind that bush on the left!”

So there’s my brush with fame. The news segment was astonishing. Something like 40 tons of garbage were picked off of Bournemouth beach. No idea how they’re going to stop it, but the roads were quiet today. Why? It’s still hot. People are a mystery.

Oh, Uncle B and I are officially old fogies. Among the trash at the end of our drive were a lot of empty gas canisters and we were like, “who’s been out here shooting air rifles?”

Not until we saw pictures on TV of heaps of these things, including balloons, did we work out they were amyl nitrate or nitrous oxide or something. Kids fill balloons with the stuff and get high. Turns out it’s legal here and you can buy all the kit on Ebay.

Have a good weekend, everyone!

June 26, 2020 — 8:18 pm
Comments: 9

Social closening

This was a beach in Bournemouth today. It was like this all along the South coast. Some places declared a public emergency.

I’ll be honest. I don’t know what that means. They sure didn’t bring in the military to restore order or anything.

I’m sure the beach near us was like this today but, more important to us, the roads were jammed again. My WhatsApp group was alive with reports of public pissing. In their wisdom, they’ve shut the public bathrooms and people are finding Dreadful Things in the dunes and on their front lawns.

Quite a lot of people passed our drive walking toward the beach and only one group I heard was speaking English.

If there isn’t an almighty spike of flu cases in a week, we should throw up our hands and abandon this whole lockdown lark.

June 25, 2020 — 8:40 pm
Comments: 8

On a Wednesday?

I’ve mentioned before that we live on the road to a popular beach. Today – a Wednesday – it was blazing sunny and rammed with traffic. Many, many more than could possibly fit on the beach. Stupid furlough.

Social media tells me they closed the parking lots near the beach and people parked wherever they liked. Sidewalks, lawns. Then even that filled up and several just abandoned their cars in the road. That halted all traffic, including the bus.

Big cat has been missing all day. Most unlike him. On a hunch, I managed to struggle across the road and find him, trapped on the other side.

He was totally back in feral mode. He’s terrified of the traffic, so he won’t go near until it’s completely quiet. I tried to stuff him in a cat carrier and that lost the thin thread of trust I’d managed to rebuild with him. And he scampered off into a corn field.

So we wait. It’s likely to be hours before the traffic is light enough that he’ll chance it on his own. I just hope baby kitty doesn’t go looking for him.

June 24, 2020 — 8:48 pm
Comments: 8

Toe slayer

I made a cryptic remark about my job in the previous post. To clarify: I am currently on furlough, with 80% of my pay forked over by the government. The furlough scheme is expected to continue until October, though at some point the government will reduce their share to 60% and my employer will have to cover 20%.

When that happens, I expect to be laid off. Or return to work on a tiny fraction of my usual hours. Me, and many hundreds of thousands of other people, I expect.

The problem is, we operate out of a very (VERY) old building. It simply cannot be made flu safe – the doorways and stairs are too narrow and we can’t just be slathering sanitizer on a historic building. Every single one of us is in the ‘at risk’ category, for one reason or another. Mostly age.

I’m fine with it. When things return to normal, I will be rehired. Meanwhile, I still have enough of a buffer to pay my liquor bill.

So. Boring.

Several days ago, I heard a cat eating out of a bowl in the kitchen. Dry kibble eaten out of a ceramic bowl makes a distinct clinking sound. Sure it was that wascally neighborhood cat who dips in the kitchen window and steals food, I let out an almighty howl.

This made big cat (pictured) rocket across the room, across my bare foot, cutting three impressive gashes as he went. Holy jeez, did it bleed.

Turns out, it was Welly in the kitchen all along. And I got a neat scar!

You know, I wouldn’t mind if this cat had a bit of my food. He’s a farm cat, and they tend to be deliberately underfed, poor bastards. But this is a big intact male who beats up my cats and sometimes pisses all over the kitchen for good measure.

June 23, 2020 — 8:37 pm
Comments: 8