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Dead Pool 104: It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Xmas

Mitchell takes dick with Charlie Manson. Despite his body count and the way he sucked all the fun out of the late Sixties, I still don’t think of Manson as a monster. A midget ass-clown maybe. A sawed-off ex-con. A mean little fart.

Anyhow, dead. Finally.

Dead Pool trivia: Mitchell won the very first one, back when I mailed people an actual spotted dick.

A reminder that I declared the previous pool for tonycc, who tried to disavow his win because of dodgy timing. You won the thing, tony. Step up and take your dick!

0. Rule Zero (AKA Steve’s Rule): your pick has to be living when picked. Also, nobody whose execution date is circled on the calendar. Also, please don’t kill anybody. Plus (Pupster’s Rule) no picking someone who’s only famous for being the oldest person alive.

1. Pick a celebrity. Any celebrity — though I reserve the right to nix picks I never heard of (I don’t generally follow the Dead Pool threads carefully, so if you’re unsure of your pick, call it to my attention).

2. We start from scratch every time. No matter who you had last time, or who you may have called between rounds, you have to turn up on this very thread and stake your claim.

3. Poaching and other dirty tricks positively encouraged.

4. Your first choice sticks. Don’t just blurt something out, m’kay? Also, make sure you have a correct spelling of your choice somewhere in your comment. These threads get longish and I use search to figure out if we have a winner.

5. It’s up to you to search the thread and make sure your choice is unique. I’m waayyyy too lazy to catch the dupes. Popular picks go fast.

6. The pool stays open until somebody on the list dies. Feel free to jump in any time. Noobs, strangers, drive-bys and one-comment-wonders — all are welcome.

7. If you want your fabulous prize, you have to entrust me with a mailing address. If you’ve won before, send me your address again. I don’t keep good records.

8. The new DeadPool will begin 6pm WBT (Weasel’s Blog Time) the Friday after the last round is concluded.

The winner, if the winner chooses to entrust me with a mailing address, will receive an Official Certificate of Dick Winning and a small original drawing on paper suffused with elephant shit particles. Because I’m fresh out of fairy shit particles.

November 24, 2017 — 6:00 pm
Comments: 80

Happy T’day!

turkeyanim

Happy Thanksgiving! Also the ninth anniversary of my permanent move to the UK. (The actual date was the 22nd, I think, but it was Thanksgiving 2008).

Hope you all have a good’un and make complete pigs of yourselves, and don’t forget the MST3K Turkey Day Day Marathon!

Not to mention tomorrow’s new Dead Pool, queued up and ready to go!

November 23, 2017 — 6:00 pm
Comments: 10

Holy krep!

vanart

This van appeared in a village near me this week. Nope, not a Photoshop job. There’s this guy who…does this on the back of dirty white vans. Here’s his FaceBook page if you want to see more.

Britain is lousy with white vans. It is the subject of many jokes. So he will never run out of canvas.

One of my earliest impressions of the difference between Britain and America? You know how we write “wash me” in the dirt on the back of a dirty car? I saw a filthy white van here with “also comes in white” written across the back.

November 22, 2017 — 10:03 pm
Comments: 15

My personal bodycount: 3

mousetrap

My mother told me before she died that she was going to come back and haunt me, but she was going to come back as a scrabbling noise in the closet, so I’d never really know if it was her or mice. And, whaddya know, I have a scrabbling noise in the closet.

Well, I’ve finally worked it out: it’s mice. I’ve been bailing them out of the mousetrap as soon as I can set it. The horrible thing is, I haven’t even had to re-bait the trap. Apparently, the smell of Bob’s final agony is not enough to overcome the smell of sweet, sweet peanut butter.

My little studio upstairs is the warmest room in the house, at least when the water heater or central heat is going. That’s because all the water pipes run along the outside of the walls. This attracts all sorts of vermin, not just me.

I hate doing this. There’s the horribleness of emptying the trap (all clean kills so far, at least). But also, I rather like mice. I used to keep them as pets.

Oh, well. At least it’s not my spectral mother!

November 21, 2017 — 7:02 pm
Comments: 34

Gone.

crazyeye

Welp, he’s gone. History’s most famous case of the Crazy Eye.

Y’all may recall I am (or used to be) muchly into True Crime, but I’ve never had much interest in Manson. He was a petty criminal who had spent more than half his life in prison when he was released in the late Sixties. He looked around at the shit going down and thought, “yeah, I can work with this.”

It’s not even certain whether he ever killed anyone his own self. He surely wasn’t anywhere near the scene of the famous murders. He egged other people on and mugged for the cameras.

A tiny, manipulative clown. And now he’s dead. Shame he lived so long.

And Mitchell has won the Dead Pool!

Good on yer, Mitchell. We shall reassemble here Friday for the next one. Which is good – I’ve got a seminar to go to Friday that includes four hours of car travel. I ain’t going to be fit to post.

November 20, 2017 — 8:13 pm
Comments: 19

There are no turtles in England

turtle

I’ve posted about this before. They have tortoises (land shellies) but not turtles (water shellies).

Every once in a while, you hear a horrible story about someone ‘rescuing’ a wild tortoise by dropping it in the nearest pond.

I mention this now because I took a nap after work this afternoon and had a vivid and curiously didactic dream about the difference between turtles and tortoises. Also, because I thought I’d be posting a new Dead Pool this evening, but Chuck Manson seems to be clinging on.

Oh, well. Everyone have a great weekend. Except you, Manson. Because fuck that guy, am I right?

November 17, 2017 — 8:23 pm
Comments: 18

Female Genital Mutilation Barbie is here!

fgmbarbie

Come to think of it, no Barbies has a hoo-ha, so there’s that. The lady in the stylish trash bag is apparently the US Olympic bronze medalist in fencing, which is why FGM Barbie is hefting a sword.

Poor dear has apparently dealt with her clinical depression by converting, I guess.

I can’t wait to see the Ken who goes with. There will be a Taliban Ken, right?

November 16, 2017 — 10:19 pm
Comments: 15

I have no Photoshop, and I must scream

scream

Well, I have Photoshop now. I got it working in the end, but I had to reboot several times to do it. And one in three times I reboot, the computer does its best imitation of a brick. And has taken to freezing up randomly when it does run.

I wasn’t sure I’d be here tonight.

It sounds like a serious hardware problem, but the issues I’ve had with it track every new Windows update. New updates, new slew of misbehavior. Then it settles down for a while.

I’m well overdue for another one. This machine is about eight years old. But I always buy the highest spec machine I can possibly afford, so I’ve been putting it off until I hafta.

So, it sounds like the perfect day to change my cellphone provider, yes?

[gentle sobbing]

November 15, 2017 — 8:26 pm
Comments: 21

By way of apology

roar

Sorry for downer post yesterday. Here’s something better. Baby lion roaring. (Link goes to some guy’s tweet, in case you’re incurably allergic to Twitter).

Now, if you’ll excuse me, we’ve decided to switch internet providers. I have, like, nine years worth of emails to download…

November 14, 2017 — 9:09 pm
Comments: 6

They shot muh gurl :(

lynx

The runaway lynx turned up chillin’ under a double-wide in an abandoned trailer park (yes, even here) and the bastards shot her. The answer to your next question is, yes, they probably do have tranq guns here, but she was shot by a hired marksman instead of zoo personnel, in the darkness with night vision equipment.

Maybe he wasn’t taking an opportunity to play with his fun toys.

Brits are animal mad — particularly cats — and this is not going down well at all. The head of the local council should probably have a flunky start his car for a while.

November 13, 2017 — 9:36 pm
Comments: 11