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Almost famous

We never watch TV news, because you know why. But we decided to watch the local news last night to see what they had to say about the beach problems on the South coast.

Turns out, a film crew used the end of our lane as a backdrop. While I was there, y’all. I mean, I was totally behind a bush, which I was in the process of trimming, but I was there, y’all.

I squeaked to Uncle B, “look! I’m on TV! I’m totally behind that bush on the left!”

So there’s my brush with fame. The news segment was astonishing. Something like 40 tons of garbage were picked off of Bournemouth beach. No idea how they’re going to stop it, but the roads were quiet today. Why? It’s still hot. People are a mystery.

Oh, Uncle B and I are officially old fogies. Among the trash at the end of our drive were a lot of empty gas canisters and we were like, “who’s been out here shooting air rifles?”

Not until we saw pictures on TV of heaps of these things, including balloons, did we work out they were amyl nitrate or nitrous oxide or something. Kids fill balloons with the stuff and get high. Turns out it’s legal here and you can buy all the kit on Ebay.

Have a good weekend, everyone!

June 26, 2020 — 8:18 pm
Comments: 9

Social closening

This was a beach in Bournemouth today. It was like this all along the South coast. Some places declared a public emergency.

I’ll be honest. I don’t know what that means. They sure didn’t bring in the military to restore order or anything.

I’m sure the beach near us was like this today but, more important to us, the roads were jammed again. My WhatsApp group was alive with reports of public pissing. In their wisdom, they’ve shut the public bathrooms and people are finding Dreadful Things in the dunes and on their front lawns.

Quite a lot of people passed our drive walking toward the beach and only one group I heard was speaking English.

If there isn’t an almighty spike of flu cases in a week, we should throw up our hands and abandon this whole lockdown lark.

June 25, 2020 — 8:40 pm
Comments: 8

On a Wednesday?

I’ve mentioned before that we live on the road to a popular beach. Today – a Wednesday – it was blazing sunny and rammed with traffic. Many, many more than could possibly fit on the beach. Stupid furlough.

Social media tells me they closed the parking lots near the beach and people parked wherever they liked. Sidewalks, lawns. Then even that filled up and several just abandoned their cars in the road. That halted all traffic, including the bus.

Big cat has been missing all day. Most unlike him. On a hunch, I managed to struggle across the road and find him, trapped on the other side.

He was totally back in feral mode. He’s terrified of the traffic, so he won’t go near until it’s completely quiet. I tried to stuff him in a cat carrier and that lost the thin thread of trust I’d managed to rebuild with him. And he scampered off into a corn field.

So we wait. It’s likely to be hours before the traffic is light enough that he’ll chance it on his own. I just hope baby kitty doesn’t go looking for him.

June 24, 2020 — 8:48 pm
Comments: 8

Toe slayer

I made a cryptic remark about my job in the previous post. To clarify: I am currently on furlough, with 80% of my pay forked over by the government. The furlough scheme is expected to continue until October, though at some point the government will reduce their share to 60% and my employer will have to cover 20%.

When that happens, I expect to be laid off. Or return to work on a tiny fraction of my usual hours. Me, and many hundreds of thousands of other people, I expect.

The problem is, we operate out of a very (VERY) old building. It simply cannot be made flu safe – the doorways and stairs are too narrow and we can’t just be slathering sanitizer on a historic building. Every single one of us is in the ‘at risk’ category, for one reason or another. Mostly age.

I’m fine with it. When things return to normal, I will be rehired. Meanwhile, I still have enough of a buffer to pay my liquor bill.

So. Boring.

Several days ago, I heard a cat eating out of a bowl in the kitchen. Dry kibble eaten out of a ceramic bowl makes a distinct clinking sound. Sure it was that wascally neighborhood cat who dips in the kitchen window and steals food, I let out an almighty howl.

This made big cat (pictured) rocket across the room, across my bare foot, cutting three impressive gashes as he went. Holy jeez, did it bleed.

Turns out, it was Welly in the kitchen all along. And I got a neat scar!

You know, I wouldn’t mind if this cat had a bit of my food. He’s a farm cat, and they tend to be deliberately underfed, poor bastards. But this is a big intact male who beats up my cats and sometimes pisses all over the kitchen for good measure.

June 23, 2020 — 8:37 pm
Comments: 8

Toddlers would have been easier

Phew. I hosted a Zoom meeting this evening for the elderly scholars who used to employ me. It was a trip.

I actually spent a fair amount of time later making a graphic of a Zoom meeting attended by Egyptian mummies, but I biffed it. It was mean and I always imagine the unlikely possibility of someone I know stumbling over my blog.

It has actually happened. Not often, thank goodness.

Uncle B had a dentist’s appointment today, which they attended in hazmat suits.

So my Monday has been fraught and *squints* it’s not even drinking time.

June 22, 2020 — 8:58 pm
Comments: 10

Dead Pool Round 130: Quarantine Edition

Gromulin picks a dick winner with Dame Vera Lynn. She died of being 103, I gather. All my nice old lady friends who remember the war are sad.

I have a pile of dicks on my desk waiting to go out. Honest. I haven’t been near a post office since March 20, but as soon as I can get these out, I’ll want help figuring out who’s still left out. I got myself in a tangle because not everyone sends me an address, some of those who don’t are previous winners and assume I still have it. I’m easily confused.

Never mind. We have THINGS TO DO:

0. Rule Zero (AKA Steve’s Rule): your pick has to be living when picked. Also, nobody whose execution date is circled on the calendar. Also, please don’t kill anybody. Plus (Pupster’s Rule) no picking someone who’s only famous for being the oldest person alive.

1. Pick a celebrity. Any celebrity — though I reserve the right to nix picks I never heard of (I don’t generally follow the Dead Pool threads carefully, so if you’re unsure of your pick, call it to my attention).

2. We start from scratch every time. No matter who you had last time, or who you may have called between rounds, you have to turn up on this very thread and stake your claim.

3. Poaching and other dirty tricks positively encouraged.

4. Your first choice sticks. Don’t just blurt something out, m’kay? Also, make sure you have a correct spelling of your choice somewhere in your comment. These threads get longish and I use search to figure out if we have a winner.

5. It’s up to you to search the thread and make sure your choice is unique. I’m waayyyy too lazy to catch the dupes. Popular picks go fast.

6. The pool stays open until somebody on the list dies. Feel free to jump in any time. Noobs, strangers, drive-bys and one-comment-wonders — all are welcome.

7. If you want your fabulous prize, you have to entrust me with a mailing address. If you’ve won before, send me your address again. I don’t keep good records.

8. The new DeadPool will begin 6pm WBT (Weasel’s Blog Time) the Friday after the last round is concluded.

The winner, if the winner chooses to entrust me with a mailing address, will receive an Official Certificate of Dick Winning and a small original drawing on paper suffused with elephant shit particles. Because I’m fresh out of fairy shit particles.

June 19, 2020 — 6:00 pm
Comments: 57

Be careful what you search for…



Found on a search for “wild boar hoof”. Yes, it’s a sex toy. The original file name was Overlength-Super-Wild-Boar-Hoof-Simulation-Anal-Backyard-G-Point-Climax-Console-Oneself-Organ-Sex-Toys.jpg

I can’t make sense of how it’s supposed to work. The hoof faces one way and the snout is at a 90° angle to it and I…don’t want to think about it any more.

A link, if you must, but I’m afraid it’s out of stock.

I was doing a wild boar illustration for Sussex Day. Sussex Day isn’t an ancient holiday and the wild boar isn’t the symbol of Sussex, it’s just a good old Saxon symbol.

The Sussex flag is blue with six yellow martlets (little heraldic birds) and it isn’t ancient, either.


Gromulin wins dick with Vera Lynn. Much beloved old dame here and everyone is sad. But not you! Because new Dead Pool tomorrow!



June 18, 2020 — 9:00 pm
Comments: 9

It is a silly place

I decided to see if USENET was still there. It is. Kind of.

The text groups were felled by the very thing that made them most attractive: posts and users are never deleted. Thirty, forty years later, they’re vast empty wastelands where spambots chatter to each other about buying Ambien. It’s almost eerie.

It’s not dead, though. The binary groups are a hot business. In fact, you pay a monthly fee to a usenet service provider to access those.

Binary groups were for trading data, so I reckon that’s where people go to pirate and download illegal stuff. I guess. There has to be some reason people will pay for access rather than use torrents for free, but I decided not to find out. How many lists do I want to be on, really?

I wonder if the few moderated groups are still functional. Will dig some more.

No idea who poor Fred Hall is.

June 17, 2020 — 8:09 pm
Comments: 12


Muh boys. When I went into my phone’s gallery to fish out this shot, Google had put it in a folder called “dogs”.

Ha ha, very funny. But yesterday, when I took a picture of our shopping receipt, Google read the address at the top and automagically called up the Google maps location of that Aldi and invited me to rate it. This I do not like.

It also popped up and invited me to rate a restaurant we only drove past yesterday.

I’ve got to read one of those guides on how to turn off every tracking thingie. Not that I trust them. Good thing I only leave the house once a week…

June 16, 2020 — 6:47 pm
Comments: 7

Monday shopping…

We did our weekly shop today. It was the first day they allowed ‘non essential’ shops to open and, I must say, the streets were packed. The government may not know it yet, but the lockdown is over.

Though Uncle B got chatting with the cashier, and she said they’d ordered better barriers and a sort of traffic light system for letting people in. That sounds like they’re planning to do things the social distancing way for a long time. That sucks, because I hate how I feel frog marched through the store.

We go through separately as we’re not allowed to go through together and there are things I eat that he doesn’t. I got chatting with my cashier and asked if she knew anyone in any of the stores that had caught the bug. Nope. They apparently have a rigorous testing regime, though. If you feel unwell, you get the test and you don’t come back until you’re clear.

Spoke to someone else who was in the emergency room over the weekend for something fairly minor. She said it wasn’t busy at all.

Very little in the last three months has made a lick of sense. Though I suppose incompetence is the one thing that could neatly explain everything that has ever happened to me, ever.

June 15, 2020 — 7:44 pm
Comments: 16