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I carved my pumpkin!

I outdid myself this year!

Yep. Other side. It’s really that bad. I so suck at this.

Happy Hallowe’en, folks!

October 31, 2012 — 10:27 pm
Comments: 14

About that AP survey…?

Did y’all see the brouhaha last week about an AP poll that supposedly found 51% of Americans are prejudiced against black people? That really weirded me out, because…well, among other things, they’re not counting black people as Americans?

So I tracked down the actual survey (.pdf file). It’s a joint product of the University of Michigan, Stanford University and the University of Chicago. Here’s the first question:

“Irish, Italians, Jews, and other minorities overcame prejudice and worked their way up. Blacks should do the same without special favors.”

If you agree with that, you’re scored as a racist.

Let that sink in a minute.

If you think black people are just as smart and capable as Irish, Italians and Jews, you’re a racist. Phwaw. Ready? Question two:

“Generations of slavery have created conditions that make it difficult for Blacks to work their way out of the lower class.”

Disagree with that, and you’re a racist. So if you think someone’s prospects are not blighted by something horrible that happened to his great-great-great grandparents, there’s just no other explanation for it: you’re a racist, sugar! The next three questions are pretty much variations on the “hard work = get ahead” theme from the first question. Here’s question six:

“Some people say that Black leaders have been trying to push too fast. Others feel that they haven’t pushed fast enough. What do you think?”

Yup. If you think the likes of Jesse Jackson and Louis Farrakhan aren’t doing black people any favors — racist! The next two questions are how much racism is there in the US, and how much of that is the fault of black people. Then they move onto complete voodoo.

On a computer screen, they show a quick flash of a black man’s face or a white man’s face, followed by a Chinese character. Then you’re asked if the Chinese character is pleasant or unpleasant. They do this 24 times. If you don’t like the squiggle you see after a glimpse of a dusky gob, you’re Bull Connor, baby!

Totally not making that up. It’s called Affect Misattribution Procedure (AMP). Because — science, you inbred hillbilly!

That’s it. That’s the whole thing. That’s how they come to the conclusion a whopping 51% of Americans are racists.

Is this the new, official, mainstream (Associated Press) definition of racism? Thinking black people are as smart as anybody else? And only 51% agree that they are? And those 51% are the bad guys? I really am having trouble processing this.

And, after all that, I still don’t know if the AP is only counting white people as Americans.

October 30, 2012 — 10:26 pm
Comments: 43

Now is *not* the time for Snarky Weasel!

Yeah, I know, everyone would probably appreciate a break from all the storm coverage, but I ain’t going to be the one to provide it. Hurricane Sandy looks like an epically evil fucker, and I’m going to close my eyes, hold my breath and wait for it to go by.

Metaphorically, of course. After major storms, we often get winds a week later, but Sandy will mostly blow itself out by Montreal. Though my dad told me yesterday, they’re expecting dangerously high winds in Nashville, a thousand miles inland.

Stay safe, peoples in the path! Charge your Kindles and your phones now, eat the icecream first and don’t drink too much!

October 29, 2012 — 2:41 pm
Comments: 40

Round 41: I’m'onna need more dicks!


Laughing Buddha. George McGovern. Two great tastes that…oh, whatever. A short round, was Round 40. Step forward and claim your dicks, LB. Never mind my kvetching — the game isn’t fun if there aren’t real prizes.

Hold on tight! Here we go…

0. Rule Zero (AKA Steve’s Rule): your pick has to be living when picked. Also, nobody whose execution date is circled on the calendar. Also, please don’t kill anybody.

1. Pick a celebrity. Any celebrity — though I reserve the right to nix picks I never heard of (I don’t generally follow the Dead Pool threads carefully, so if you’re unsure of your pick, call it to my attention).

2. We start from scratch every time. No matter who you had last time, or who you may have called between rounds, you have to turn up on this very thread and stake your claim.

3. Poaching and other dirty tricks positively encouraged.

4. Your first choice sticks. Don’t just blurt something out, m’kay?

5. It’s up to you to search the thread and make sure your choice is unique. I’m waayyyy too lazy to catch the dupes. Popular picks go fast.

6. The pool stays open until somebody on the list dies. Feel free to jump in any time. Noobs, strangers, drive-bys and one-comment-wonders — all are welcome.

7. If you want your fabulous prize, you have to entrust me with a mailing address. If you don’t want the fabulous prize, you’re too smart to be a regular. It takes me forever to put them in the mail, packages go by slow boat, typically take minimum eight to ten weeks and lose the will to live along the way.

8. The new DeadPool will begin 6pm WBT (Weasel’s Blog Time) the Friday after the last round is concluded.

The prize? Still a fabulous two-pack of Aunty’s Spotted Dick…!

October 26, 2012 — 6:00 pm
Comments: 137

This is what happens when you put Greens in charge

Okay, so Brighton and Hove Town Council are thinking of scrapping ‘Mr’ and ‘Mrs’ in official paperwork. The reason? It’s complicated.

No, no…the reason isn’t complicated. Gender is complicated. We’ve moved beyond straight, gay and transgender into a category called genderqueer. No, really — that’s a thing. It’s apparently gender’s Undecided column.

I suspect the ordinance unlikely to go through, even in Brighton (the South coast’s gay capital; it’s always been a little…queer in Brighton). But it’s been proposed (yes, by a Green party councilor). Oh, and tax forms have already scrapped Mr, Mrs and Miss in favor of the gender-neutral Mx.

Here’s the thing. I just really don’t want to think about your issues any more. Do whatever you like, and as long as you aren’t hurting anybody, I’m okay with it. But please stop demanding that I think about your genitals and your sex life so much, okay?

All of you. Not just the extra bent people — the straight people, too. I don’t want mental pictures of ANYbody else’s stuff any more, okay? Just. Ew. Deal with it yourselves.

The picture? Generic picture of Brighton Pier. I was laughing about this the other day – have you noticed no online news story is ever published without a picture, even if they have to rustle up something stupid? Like, “Fox Steals Picnic Basket” runs with a picture of a fox and the caption “file photo of a fox.” Oh, hey. Good to know.

But in this case? You’ll thank me for not picking one from the ‘genderqueer’ images search.


Okay. Here. Tomorrow. Six sharp. Round 41 of the Dead Pool. Be here or be genderqueer! Unless you already are, in which case…bummer, Mx.

October 25, 2012 — 11:05 pm
Comments: 22

Ever made your own Tabasco sauce?

I usually freeze our chilis for perking up Winter soups (get me! I’m Martha Freaking Stewart!), but this year, Uncle B got a little…carried away. That’s just under two pounds of red, ripe chilis. The ones on the right are hot, the ones on the left are O Sweet Jesus What Have I Put In My Mouth???

So I’m'onna make Tabasco sauce. Well, fake Tabasco sauce. The proper McIlhenny stuff means putting the peppers in a barrel, covering them with salt and fermenting them for up to three years.

Pff! Screw that!

There are a ton of recipes for a homemade simulacrum on the Web, and I have massaged them together into this:

1 pound peppers, 2 cups white vinegar, 2 teaspoons coarse sea salt

1. Don Hazmat suit
2. Roughly chop the ingredients together
3. Bring to a boil, then simmer for five minutes
4. Cool and puree
5. Store in the ‘fridge for two weeks to ‘ripen’
6. Strain through a strainer and put into jars

There’s no reason you need to know this, of course. I’m just posting it so I remember what I need to do.

That’s right. I’m using you guys as a recipe holder.

October 24, 2012 — 10:11 pm
Comments: 28

Big Bird, binders and bayonets

You know what really puzzles me? In 2008, the Obama people knew instinctively to sell him as an upbeat, nonpartisan, nice, inspirational guy. And in 2012, the same team thinks the country is hungering for President Sarcastic Jerk.

No, actually, a LOT of things puzzle me about these guys. The whole Obama crew. I mean, the randomness of so many things this administration has done.

Like, really cracking down on pot smokers — even in states that have legalized medical marijuana. Or these drone strikes, some of which make even bloodthirsty me a little uneasy about ‘peripheral damage.’

He hasn’t governed as a boilerplate liberal. I can’t decide if the thread that connects all these things is an insatiable will to exercise power over others, or just a weakness of central leadership, so all the agencies wander off and do their own thing.

p.s. Oh. Hey. Help a weasel out. Did I get enough zeroes in 16 trillion? I kept adding three and taking away three. I’m so freaking innumerate, and Google search isn’t helped by the fact Brits don’t use “billions.”

October 23, 2012 — 9:21 pm
Comments: 24

See your Romnesia, raise you Barackoli

Eat your Barackoli, America!

Nah, just goofing. Stupid idea. And you know what? I didn’t even get there first.

Let me know how the last debate goes. I’ll be tucked up in my little weaselly bed, snoring and farting.

October 22, 2012 — 10:11 pm
Comments: 26

Round 40: that’s a lotta dick


And thefritz wins dick with poor old Arlen Specter, who switched parties twice and could always be counted upon to betray whichever side he was putatively serving, just when it mattered most.

Centrists. spit.

With both George McGovern and Fidel Castro on the ropes, this promises to be a short round. But, you know what? Totally worth it.

Ready? Here we go…

0. Rule Zero (AKA Steve’s Rule): your pick has to be living when picked. Also, nobody whose execution date is circled on the calendar. Also, please don’t kill anybody.

1. Pick a celebrity. Any celebrity — though I reserve the right to nix picks I never heard of (I don’t generally follow the Dead Pool threads carefully, so if you’re unsure of your pick, call it to my attention).

2. We start from scratch every time. No matter who you had last time, or who you may have called between rounds, you have to turn up on this very thread and stake your claim.

3. Poaching and other dirty tricks positively encouraged.

4. Your first choice sticks. Don’t just blurt something out, m’kay?

5. It’s up to you to search the thread and make sure your choice is unique. I’m waayyyy too lazy to catch the dupes. Popular picks go fast.

6. The pool stays open until somebody on the list dies. Feel free to jump in any time. Noobs, strangers, drive-bys and one-comment-wonders — all are welcome.

7. If you want your fabulous prize, you have to entrust me with a mailing address. If you don’t want the fabulous prize, you’re too smart to be a regular. It takes me forever to put them in the mail, packages go by slow boat, typically take minimum eight to ten weeks and lose the will to live along the way.

8. The new DeadPool will begin 6pm WBT (Weasel’s Blog Time) the Friday after the last round is concluded.

Still playing for Aunty’s Spotted Dick. Because, frankly, I just can’t give up the dick jokes.

October 19, 2012 — 6:00 pm
Comments: 123

Jinx!

Had trouble coming up with something to post about tonight, so I had a stiff vodka. Now I still can’t think of anything to post about, but I feel a whole lot better about that.

Not that there isn’t stuff going on. I’ve been watching the Romney polling threads today with awe. I think we may finally be seeing that preference cascade Ace is always talking about.

But I don’t want to jinx it by being too triumphal this far from the goal. As my old mother used to say, there’s many a slip ‘twixt the cup and the lip.

You wouldn’t think there would be many opportunities to slip just getting a glass to your mouth, but Mother was fond of the occasional stiff vodka herself.

Okay, Dead Pool tomorrow. Six pm Weasel Blog Time. Be here!

We’re playing for dick again. I’m pondering alternatives — preferably alternatives that allow me to continue making stupid and gratuitous spotted dick jokes.

I’ve got enough dick to cover my losses so far, though I am still three dicks behind. Thank you for your patience. The game isn’t fun without real prizes, but I do get behind packing them up.

Don’t worry; I won’t lose track. I have all your emails in a folder called “dicks”.

See? How could I ever give this up?

October 18, 2012 — 10:39 pm
Comments: 23