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Happy Walpurgisnacht, we-yotches!

Happy Walpurgis Night! It’s exactly six months from Hallowe’en, and you know what that means — Witches’ Sabbath!

It’s a Northern European thing. Bonfires. Witches. The usual.

It’s named after Saint Walpurga (or Walburga), who wasn’t a witch or on fire or anything (and she sure isn’t the lady in the middle of that picture — what is that woman doing to that poor goat?). Pure coincidence Walpurga was canonized on May 1.

So it’s another one of those, “witches? wait, what? Oh, nonono, Father, you misunderstand. We aren’t celebrating our ancient pagan customs. We’re piously observing…ummm…Saint Whatsername’s Day. Um, Walburga — yeah, that’s it!”

Unrelated things that happened today which amused me: Lefties ganging up on Righties, reporting them as spammers to get their feelthy ‘winger accounts auto-blocked on Twitter.

Pasty blond blue-eyed Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren was listed as a minority faculty member at Harvard in the Nineties, based on undocumented family legends she had Native American ancestors (the Boston Herald helpfully describes them as her “maternal parents”). Dear Miz Warren: EVERY FAMILY IN AMERICA TELLS THIS STORY ABOUT ITSELF.

And the Obama campaign released a new video today and announced its 2012 slogan. Are you ready? Forward.

No, that’s it: Forward. I don’t even think they sprang for the exclamation point.

Forward.

Mmmm mmmm — can you smell the t-shirts?

April 30, 2012 — 7:06 pm
Comments: 56

Round 28: (Round 27 we hardly knew ye)


Pablo pulled a fast one with Chuck Colson. And by “pulled a fast one” I mean “showed the sort of quick-witted sneaky gamesmanship worthy of a weasel blog.”

One day. A fast one, but not (by a long shot) the fastest one ever.

Right! Gird your loins.

0. Rule Zero (AKA Steve’s Rule): your pick has to be living when picked. Also, nobody whose execution date is circled on the calendar.

1. Pick a celebrity. Any celebrity — though I reserve the right to nix picks I never heard of (I don’t generally follow the Dead Pool threads carefully, so if you’re unsure of your pick, call it to my attention).

2. We start from scratch every time. No matter who you had last time, or who you may have called between rounds, you have to turn up on this very thread and stake your claim.

3. Poaching and other dirty tricks positively encouraged.

4. Your first choice sticks. Don’t just blurt something out, m’kay?

5. It’s up to you to search the thread and make sure your choice is unique. I’m waayyyy too lazy to catch the dupes. Popular picks go fast.

6. The pool stays open until somebody on the list dies. Feel free to jump in any time. Noobs, strangers, drive-bys and one-comment-wonders — all are welcome.

7. If you want your fabulous prize, you have to entrust me with a mailing address. If you don’t want the fabulous prize, you’re too smart to be a regular. It takes me forever to put them in the mail, packages go by slow boat, typically take minimum eight to ten weeks and lose the will to live along the way.

8. The new DeadPool will begin 6pm WBT (Weasel’s Blog Time) the Friday after the last round is concluded.

What do we want? Aunty’s dick! When do we want it? When somebody on the list dies!

April 27, 2012 — 6:00 pm
Comments: 133

World exclusive!

“I promise you,” Biden said, “the President has a big stick.

I promise you.”

This is Joe Biden, after all, so we can’t be sure if he meant, “Barack Obama is unafraid to command the full might of the US military” or “black mens sho’ has big penises.”

That’s what I love about our Vice President.


Alrighty then. Here. Tomorrow. Six sharp, WBT. Dead Pool: Round 28.

April 26, 2012 — 10:11 pm
Comments: 22

Cringeworthy

Wow. That was embarrassing. At least the RNC has managed to make a little hay with it.

I’m sure this is one of those political Rorschach thingies, where Team Obama thinks it’s charming and Team AnybodyBut thinks it’s beneath the dignity of the office. But 2008 is not 2012 and, stepping back, if it’s a choice between the cool guy and the competent guy, I bet competent wins.

I think I stole that last line, but I’ve read so many blogs today, I don’t remember where.

April 25, 2012 — 9:35 pm
Comments: 21

Mee-maw, that you?

Capitalism, like oxygen, expands to fill all available space.

I was looking for a Kindle version of Carole King’s new autobiography, Natural Woman, and that particular word combination turned up this guy.

His deal is, he finds old nudie pictures — old enough to be way out of copyright — collects them, Kindles them and sells the collections for a couple of quid each. Genius.

Amazon e-books are giving the old publishing houses the vapors, but all the attention so far has been on authors self-publishing their own titles.

Grandma Buttnekkid McNuderson here gives us a glimpse of a whole ‘nother universe of opportunity.

Think of all the bzillions of works out of copyright and kicking around the ‘net. Formatting those properly for Kindle adds genuine value. Plus an interesting introduction, a good cover, maybe some illustrations. Hell yes I’d pay a couple of bucks for that rather than struggle with the unformatted Project Gutenberg version.

Out of nothing, opportunity. Behold the free market!

April 24, 2012 — 8:42 pm
Comments: 39

A tale of two presidents

I love this picture. It’s awesome when I don’t even have to Photoshop ‘em.

Yeah, I’ve seen the caption about the Colombian hookers, but I think this picture is even funnier all by itself. It so nails these two guys.

I’m a charter member in the Bill Clinton H8ters of America, but I’ll give him this — dude loved being president. LOVED it. Remember his last day, Bush’s inauguration, and Clinton was in some hangar somewhere giving a farewell speech that dragged on and on and on until it was like one of those twelve-hour Castro TV performances where nobody could change the channel and people were dropping like flies?

When Bill left office, he left claw marks.

Now look at Obama’s face. Look at it and think about how deeply you have disappointed this man. Yes, you. You and your stubbornness and your ignorance and your inability to appreciate the awesomeness of Barack Obama.

Honestly, you people are lucky he’s even considering giving you another term.


Meanwhile, Pablo snagged the dick fair and square with Chuck Colson. You know what that means? See you Friday!

April 23, 2012 — 10:21 pm
Comments: 24

Round 27: the Summer of Dick


A dick for a dick – FGW wins it with Dick Clark.

Eighty-two. I’d've guessed older. Something about trying to look forever young will do that.

Okay, here we go…!

0. Rule Zero (AKA Steve’s Rule): your pick has to be living when picked. Also, nobody whose execution date is circled on the calendar.

1. Pick a celebrity. Any celebrity — though I reserve the right to nix picks I never heard of (I don’t generally follow the Dead Pool threads carefully, so if you’re unsure of your pick, call it to my attention).

2. We start from scratch every time. No matter who you had last time, or who you may have called between rounds, you have to turn up on this very thread and stake your claim.

3. Poaching and other dirty tricks positively encouraged.

4. Your first choice sticks. Don’t just blurt something out, m’kay?

5. It’s up to you to search the thread and make sure your choice is unique. I’m waayyyy too lazy to catch the dupes. Popular picks go fast.

6. The pool stays open until somebody on the list dies. Feel free to jump in any time. Noobs, strangers, drive-bys and one-comment-wonders — all are welcome.

7. If you want your fabulous prize, you have to entrust me with a mailing address. If you don’t want the fabulous prize, you’re too smart to be a regular. It takes me forever to put them in the mail, packages go by slow boat, typically take minimum eight to ten weeks and lose the will to live along the way.

8. The new DeadPool will begin 6pm WBT (Weasel’s Blog Time) the Friday after the last round is concluded.

What do we want? Aunty’s dick! When do we want it? When somebody on the list dies!

April 20, 2012 — 6:00 pm
Comments: 118

They’re after my blood

So hungry. No food.

An hour. Maybe two.

Yeah, tomorrow morning is my annual blood letting, so I’ve got me a fourteen-hour fast going. That part is mandatory. Before that, I was packing down oatmeal and icewater, trying to game my cholesterol numbers.

I don’t really give a shit about my cholesterol numbers, but I don’t want to go on a statin and I don’t want a confrontation with my doctor.

Four blood samples now (including my last one in the States), the doctor has given me that I’d-really-like-to-put-you-on-a-statin look.

In fact, I think the very last phone call I took in the United States was from my doctor’s office, calling me back to talk about my blood numbers.

Imagine that — my last memory of America is, “wait! Come back! Staaaaatinnnnn…!”

Ugh. I’m so hungry right now, I could eat a rottweiler.


Remember – tomorrow, 6pm sharp WBT (aka GMT) – Dead Pool Round 27. See ya!

April 19, 2012 — 9:16 pm
Comments: 73

Dog. It’s what’s for dinner.

Oh, yeah — like I was going to let THIS one go! (In color, if anyone needs it. Help yourself).

Backstory. In 1983, the Romney family drove to Canada on vacation. It was a twelve-hour drive, and Romney strapped their dog Seamus to the roof in a carrier for the whole trip.

Okay, that’s a little weird. I guess. But the media has been rolling around in it like…well, like a dog in shit.

Aides to President Barack Obama mischievously circulated a photograph of the Commander-in-Chief and his dog Bo sitting the back of a presidential SUV. “How loving owners transport their dogs,” tweeted David Axelrod, Mr Obama’s top strategist.

In one of the running jokes of the American political world, New York Times columnist Gail Collins is said to have developed a borderline obsession with the Seamus story, mentioning the dog more than 50 times in columns and interviews.

Oh, seriously. On and on and on for months. There have been focus groups and phone polls and the lot. Big effing deal, as Biden would say.

So Jim Treacher — the scamp! — pipes up and says, “but Obama ate dog!” And it’s true. It’s right there in Dreams from my Next Door Neighbor, or whatever that book was.

“With Lolo, I learned how to eat small green chill peppers raw with dinner (plenty of rice), and, away from the dinner table, I was introduced to dog meat (tough), snake meat (tougher), and roasted grasshopper (crunchy).

And away went Twitter.


WE HAVE A WINNER! Dick Clark has passed into that great Sock Hop in the sky. That’s FGW for the win! See you Friday for the next round of Celebrity Dead Pool!

April 18, 2012 — 1:56 pm
Comments: 96

Wait – I thought you guys *LOVED* Darwin…?

So, according to da pundits, we’re going to hear a lot of trash talk from Obama about Romney being a social Darwinist.

Social Darwinism is apparently the idea that if granny can’t support herself, she should do us all a favor and starve already. Turns out, nobody has ever believed in this idea except Ebeneezer Scrooge and maybe Ayn Rand hopped up on goofballs. But they’re going with it as a campaign theme.

Which is awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesomely incompetent. Anybody at this moment who has the slightest effing idea what social Darwinism is already a firm believer in one side or the other.

The whole rest of America is going to be, like, “Darwin? Wasn’t he that evolution guy? So Romney is big into evolution? Is that a Mormon thing? Doesn’t Obama believe in evolution?” As slogans go – FAIL.

Speaking of social Darwinism…when did we decide our leaders shouldn’t be rich guys? Aren’t successful American men the very tippy-top of the Terran food chain? Is that what they’re campaiging against – x-treme competence? Good luck with that!

April 17, 2012 — 10:56 pm
Comments: 19