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Friday the 13th! of July

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sock it to me

July 13, 2007 — 11:09 pm
Comments: 13

Jack Daniel’s really needs a good stiff one (and probably a drink, too)

jackdanielsgreenlabel.jpgOkay, I was wrong. I told Enas Yorl that the difference between Jack Daniel’s green label and black label is age. It’s not. Green label is just the stuff the official Jack Daniel’s tasters consider not quite good enough for the Brand.

I was going to call “official taster” my dream job, but apparently I have a positive preference for inadequate whiskey. I love the green label. I suppose they could go with the “Weasel likes it, it’s crap!” gambit.

What is Jack Daniel’s Green Label Tennessee Whiskey?

Jack Daniel’s Green Label is a lighter, less mature whiskey with a lighter color and character. The barrels selected for Green Label tend to be on the lower floors and more toward the center of the warehouse where the whiskey matures more slowly.

Lighter. ‘Bout right. As in “lighter fluid.”

I’d give a link for that quotation, but I can’t. By law. I went poking around the Jack Daniel’s web site (which is right where you think it is) and I spotted this:

IF YOU HAVE, OR PLAN TO HAVE, A WEB SITE AND WISH TO LINK TO OUR WEB SITE, PLEASE ENTER INTO THIS LINKING AGREEMENT AND PROVIDE YOUR INFORMATION BELOW.

“Fascinating,” I thought. “Tell me more.”

Each site shall only market products to adults and shall have an independently audited demographic indicating at least 70% of its site visitors are of legal drinking age.

Uh oh. I don’t know how to “independently audit” you guys, but if 30% of you aren’t under the age of 21, then you’re clearly in the developmentally delayed demographic. Is it legal to market likker to retards?

No site will use religious or other cultural symbols in a way that is likely to offend a particular religious or ethnic group.

Oh.

No site will use sexual slang, situations or depictions, or exploit the human form in any manner that offends local standards of decency.

Ummmmm…

You agree not to use the link on any web site that disparages the Brand, the Site, or the Brand’s products or services, or which infringes on the Brand’s or Brown-Forman Corporation’s or its affiliates’ intellectual property or other rights.

Ah. Well, see…

You agree not to use the link on any web site that contains, or links to any other web sites that contain obscene, discriminatory, offensive, political or pornographic material of any kind.

Okay. Thanks.

There’s a lot more to it, which you can read for yourself by going to the obvious URL and adding /linkingpolicy.aspx (I couldn’t link to directly in any case because “You may link only to the opening page for each of the Brand’s Sites and you may not skip the web pages requiring the viewers of our Sites to verify their age.”).

Who knew distillers were such tight-asses?

I’ve cracked open my brand new 1.75 liter bottle, and it’s delish. Happy Friday the 13th! My uvula just went numb.

sock it to me

— 4:48 pm
Comments: 16