Not exactly “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf”
Uncle B says, “what are you going to post about tonight?” And I’m, like, “pff! I dunno. I’ve posted Kim Jong-il twice. Maybe I’ll just make it Kim Jong-il Week!”
So there you have it. That’s where posts come from.
It’s the Holidays. I’m going to be a complete waste of skin from now until after the New Year.
That’s my solemn promise to you.
December 21, 2011 — 10:44 pm
Comments: 20
Snf, snf…you smell something?
Aw, did you see this? Dear Leader may not get the waxwork embalming treatment. Apparently, it costs about $300,000 to fly in the Soviets for the full plastination dealio, so they might bury him like a common mortal. The Norks are a bit skint at the moment.
Oh, but hey — good news! I got to use the Photoshop “plastic wrap” filter for the first (and undoubtedly last) time.
Speaking of Photoshop, Adobe is turning the crank something fierce. For several years now, they’ve been overpricing individual software products (~$600 each), hoping to force users into “suites” of programs (to the tune of about $1,500 a suite).
Now, they’ve changed their upgrade policy, just in time for Christmas. Used to be, you were allowed to upgrade at a discount for three releases. Now, they’ve announced you have to buy every release or fall off the upgrade ladder. Because what they’re really trying to do is get everyone on a subscription, so we pay every month for the privilege of using their software.
However you slice it, it’ll be a steady $600 a year or so to have the latest and greatest Photoshop. Weasel, out 🙁
December 20, 2011 — 9:45 pm
Comments: 32
Kim Jong-dead
I did not do this. This is not my work. God help me, it might even be real. Tineye found 129 copies of this, and not one (that I could find) with an explanation.
No Photoshop of mine could top this, so I didn’t try.
The two official DPRK sites I know of (here and here) haven’t caught up with the news yet. That probably means screaming chaos behind the scenes for the foreseeable. They’re worth a look anyway — always a zany, madcap romp through the Wonderland of the East.
I’m pretty sure this chubby young man isn’t sleeping too soundly tonight. Kim Jong-un was never officially named heir, he’s the youngest of the three sons, and Kim’s brother-in-law is apparently a contender, too.
If you’ll recall, it took three years for Kim Jong-il to consolidate his power, and even then, his dead father Kim Il-sung remained president. And still is.
My, my…what an interesting year.
December 19, 2011 — 8:27 pm
Comments: 32
So, Chelsea Clinton made her TV debut last night
The best part of Chelsea Clinton’s TV performance on MSNBC last night was this savage review in the Washington Post today. See, this is what happens when you forcibly hold journalists at arms length for twenty years: they bust out nasty.
I love a mean review. Of anything. A professional word guy being savagely rude about someone else’s work somehow scratches an itch for me. This is the money quote everyone’s running with:
Either we’re spoiled by TV’s unlimited population of giant personalities or this woman is one of the most boring people of her era.
Ow. Only…speaking as someone with crippling stage fright, I have a strong suspicion what we’re really looking at is a serious case of Xanax Face.
December 13, 2011 — 8:48 pm
Comments: 50
They’re doomed now
Got a long email from my big brother today. I have one of Those Brothers (haven’t you?).
Turns out, he’s been hanging with one of the Occupy crowds. Well, he was a full-time resident, but his tent blew away (perfecto!), so he’s strictly a day patient now. I’d love to post the email; it’s hilarious. All about shutting down Bank of America and free cheese danish.
I did an images search looking for pictures of him, without any luck. He’s not camera-shy, so I’m guessing he has a full-time minder in charge of For God’s Sake Keeping That Loopy Old Bozo Away from the Media.
He was particularly chuffed about the marching. The marching and the cheese danish. If they let him wear a special hat to march, while eating free cheese danish, it would probably be the most awesome thing in his whole life, ever.
Oh, there’s no harm in him at all. My mother was the first to call him Baby Huey, which is so perfectly, hilariously apt, I can’t tell you.
Also, when your mother thinks up mean junk to call you, that there’s a bad sign.
December 12, 2011 — 10:42 pm
Comments: 32
So long and thanks for all the hits
There it is; one of my biggest getter-of-hits. It’s the numero uno on a Google images search of “does Barney Frank have any teeth?”
The answer is no. He doesn’t. Not one. He’s as edentulous as a chicken.
Also, he’s not running for another term in Congress.
Well. Seventy is a bit young for a politician. I wonder if he hears the incoming whistle of dropping shoe.
Dude has had nothing but political jobs of one kind or another his whole life, but his personal fortune is getting on for $5M? Hm. Between that and his longtime partner heading up Fannie (or was it Freddie?) the years it injected the poison into our financial system…maybe he sees Congressional financial reform on the horizon and wants no part of it.
I have another theory, if you’ll permit me a moment of conspiracy nuttery. What if he didn’t win the last election (maybe more than one)? What if the crooked party apparatus is starting to creak under the strain of cheating him back into office time after time?
Remember, when he won last time, he gave a victory speech as bitter and angry as any concession speech. For no obvious reason.
I have never understood why the blue-collar union Manly Men who make up the Democrats in his district would turn out to vote, time after time, for a corrupt, nasty, toothless old queen.
Perhaps they didn’t.
November 28, 2011 — 5:39 pm
Comments: 31
…and the winner is…
So, the EU has deposed the democratically-elected leaders of Greece and Italy and replaced them with EU puppets. Um…that there’s called a coup d’état. It’s like the UN toppling George Bush and replacing him with Madeleine Albright.
Holy shit.
I’m speechless.
When Italy said, “excuse us, we’d like to hold an election to replace Berlusconi”, the president of the EU said “This country needs reforms, not elections.”
Criminy buckets.
The president of the EU would be Herman Van Rompuy, the moldy gray leprechaun in the picture, of whom Nigel Farage famously said “he has the charisma of a damp rag and the appearance of a low grade bank clerk.” Never heard of him? Well, he’s the King of Europe now.
You have to remember, the veneer of democracy — even nationhood — is pretty thin over much of Europe. Despite its great age and long history, many of the modern nations of Europe were cobbled together from principalities and city-states, busted up or invented out of nothing quite recently. The switch from monarchy to democracy is a shaky and incomplete project.
Well, this new thing won’t last. It can’t. The math doesn’t work and neither does the human calculus.
The Germans want the Greeks to grow up and act like Germans. The Greeks want the Germans to shut up and keep signing the benefit checks. You can substitute “Northern Europe” for Germans and “Southern Europe” for Greeks throughout.
Oh, man. And I’m going to be standing next to it when it blows.
November 14, 2011 — 10:21 pm
Comments: 41
Oh, you beautiful doll
You remember that scene in Poltergeist where somebody opens the haunted bedroom door, and it’s all shrieking and howling and shit swirling around and toys playing with themselves? I looked in on Twitter today, and it was just like that.
I’m not digging politics at the moment.
So let’s talk about something nicer. Like, have you seen this Russian guy who was caught this week with the mummified bodies of 29 young women he’d dug up and dressed like dolls? One was got up as a teddy bear. Also, there were actual dolls. All of which was good going, because most reports say he lived in a tiny apartment with his parents.
Reports describe him as a well-known historian and expert on local cemeteries, but I dunno. This doesn’t sound like any academic I know:
Moskvin claimed that from 2005 to 2007 he had inspected 752 cemeteries across the region, often traveling about 30 kilometers (20 miles) a day by foot. He said he drank from puddles, spent nights in haystacks or at abandoned farms and once even slept in a coffin readied for a funeral. He said he was repeatedly questioned by police, who then always let him go.
Oh, my mother would have loved this story.
November 8, 2011 — 10:03 pm
Comments: 27
Prince of FAILs
This picture sums up nicely why I want to apply for my maroon passport while Her Maj is still on the big sparkly chair (Charles and Camilla apparently trying — and failing — to make trinkets in the manner of disabled Tanzanians).
I know, I know…the oath is to the crown, whoever’s under it. But I’m hoping they skip over this goof in favor of that nice young man in the Dudley Do-right getup.
November 7, 2011 — 10:39 pm
Comments: 33
No. No, no, no.
I can’t possibly vote for Newt. His face is too small. That little pinched face all scrunched up in the middle of that big head. Oh, no.
Also, Newt Gingrich. When he was a thing, my shirts had shoulder pads. I am not going back to that place.
Also, “Newt.” Jesus. Dude’s name is Newton Leroy.
Newton Leroy. Willard Mitt. Barack Hussein. Criminy buckets, what’s gone screwy with American politics?
How about — Vote for Herman Cain. He doesn’t even have a middle name.
October 26, 2011 — 7:46 pm
Comments: 50