sweasel.com

Someone has enticed the little bugger into their abode with a bit of tuna and will give him tummy scritches for all eternity.

This is what I tell myself every time one wanders off anyway.

Belated happy birthday, as well.

If you’re looking to peg the Creep-o-Meter, my suggestion is to somehow quickly acquire a collection of coffee-cans filled with used chewing gum, and line them up on your shelves.

Tip: I hear this guy no longer needs his collection.

I think I’m more creeped out when referred to as “imaginary friends who live in my computer”.

It was really quite good.

Waving around in the air above you screaming “Bats! Goddamn it! How can we get ANYTHING done around here with all these BATS???”

That happened on my first day on the job (two companies ago). I turned around and walked right back out.

JW, I knew who that was going to be before I hovered the link. He’s a great favorite of mine. Chewing gum wasn’t the only thing he collected.

There was a book about Gein written by the judge who tried him. It featured some of the nastier evidential photos, plus the greatest and clumsiest phrase ever written in a true crime book, “Ed Gein had the finest collection of human vulvas.”

The finest? Really? Who was the runner up?

Yeah, I’ve read ’em all, I think. Still, what creeps me out the most about Gein is that large collection of used chewing gum.

Belt of nipples? skull soup-bowls? Shoebox full of vulvas? Pffft. Who doesn’t have one or the other collecting dust in somewhere?

And my attorney advises me to ignore your last question.

I’ve been sorely tempted for years to start a True Crime blog. If I weren’t so grossly overextended, I’d do it. Well, that, and it’s probably a lousy idea for a monetized blog, so why bother?

Oh, sure, there are plenty of TC blogs out there. But none with the wit, the verve, the really disgusting graphics of a weaselblog.

My TC collection was, like, six boxes worth.

BTW: You oughtta re-edit that “who’s the runner-up” post. Something about the phrase “second-best vulvas” has a certain je ne c’est what.

This is another one of those really strange threads, isn’t it?

I’m just asking so I know it’s not my meds acting up again. Meanwhile I’ll just sit here quietly and watch…

Loompanics is one of my favorite publishers, if my bookshelves are any indication (those not given over to coffeecans full of used chewing gum and shoeboxes full of–Ha! almost got me there, didn’t you?). Hunting Humans is a particularly satisfying source of frisson.

I intend to make Stoaty’s Electromagical Kingdom the Number One hit on Google for “second-best vulvas.”

Après moi le deluge.

Yes, McGoo, it is one of those Really Strange Threads (RST’s).

Either that or our medications are out of whack in synchronicity. Shoebox full of vulvas. OKEE-DOKEY. jwpaine, I humbly suggest you fire your mental health professional and keep the lawyer on retainer. 🙂

Good advice, LK. Fortunately, there’s no need for a retainer, since I already keep my lawyer on ice (a practice I highly recommend for all Esquires). Mine is very little bother, although his arguments with Mother about hogging the covers can sometimes be quite distressing.

You may want to dismantle, move, or at least cover the shrine to Donny Osmond in the basement, too.

BTW just checked Google Maps and no photo of my abode. The back reaches of Mason County will be the last place they send the van. Even if it isn’t intended to be the last place.

Good advice to Weasel, Skubinna.

Oh, and they already DID send the van to Mason County. It…um…never came back.

This puzzles them.

Does rooster worship and animal husbandry count as “strange” as well?

No reason, just wondering…

“Ed Gein had the finest collection of human vulvas.”

Er…how do you collect those?

Maybe you could set up some crime-scene dollhouses, like these http://www.popsci.com/scitech/article/2003-04/welcome-dollhouses-death

That’s my definition of strange. There’s a book of older ones too, circa 1940s.

PnB: mostly you dig them up in the graveyard. He occasionally hunted fresher ones, though no one’s quite sure how many times.

Behold the True Crime section of the Stoaty Weasel Memorial Library:

I’ve been into this stuff since it was regarded as so shameful, it didn’t have its own section in the bookstores. In fact, I still think you have to hit the Sociology and Law Sections of the Dewey Decimal System to find them in a library.

pnb:

First, look for folks who aren’t using theirs anymore.

Wow, Weaz. I bow to your demonstrably more complete surrender to obsession. I feel sleazy enough just having four shelves worth.

Hey, that’s pretty cool, bad cat robot.

It reminded me of the funeral procession playset that belonged to Queen Victoria (or was it one of her kids? Do you remember, Uncle B?). We were always going to go see it in the London Toy (Doll?) Museum but never did. Poor Uncle B…I’ve made him hit some mighty repulsive tourist attractions.

While I was trying (and failing) to find info on that museum, I ran across film of the funeral procession of Queen Victoria. Crappy YouTube footage. I bet archive.org or somebody has a cleaner copy.

I know why they do it, but I really hate YouTube’s shitty image resolution.

JW, I inherited a lot of them from my parents. They were both avid TC readers. So much so, my stepmother claims she’s put it in her will that any sudden death of hers be rigorously investigated.

Pff! As if we learned nothing from a lifetime’s study!

Does seem rather naive, doesn’t it.

Whoa! Now that’s a serious TC collection.

I especially like the way the books have pretty much filled the shelves and are now creeping along the floor. My books do that too.

In the early days of our courtship, I used to scour bookshops for obscure TC books and post them across the pond to her Ladyship.

Only as things… progressed… did I ever stop to wonder at the wisdom of this.

Still, mustelid courtship rituals usually involve death and mayhem. Not always the participants’, either.

Dear God!

I’ve just checked the Googlemaps image! Don’t those idiots know they’re driving on the wrong side of the road?!

Mark my words. Someone’s going to get hurt!

Oi! Professor! If you’re online, how comes you don’t have Skype running?

I’ve been home for an hour; I left early to visit the tax assessor…

This is too funny to pass up. So, IE saves little icons that it puts on a website’s tab. The icon for WordPress on WordPress sites, and so on. Most sites have a little icon.

The little icon for sites by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is a small depiction of the Christus statue.

Well, every now and then, IE messes them up and icons for certain sites appear on other sites.

And so, all of Her Stoatliness’s sites have a small Jesus in the tab.

It’s the Holy Toast. Gots to be.

GLAR at Holy Toast.

Animal husbandry, eh? I never thought about marryin’ ’em. That’d make ’em like a cousin or something.

That “husbandry” term always did bother me. Unnatural, I say. You could go blind.

…And if there is “animal husbandry”, then is there “mineral wifery”? Plant cousinry? Marsupial just-friendsry?

Speaking of icons, I like what WordPress has done with commenters who don’t have icons. It assigns a little geometric figure thingy to each commenter. They seem to all be unique, so it must be assigned with respect to net address or sumpin.

Sorry to get off-topic. The subject was Madonna, holy toast, vulva collections, TC collections, and Badgers inability to make a simple skype connection….

BTW, Weaz – since the last insta-lanche or two (including that MIGHTY one back at the beginning of May)I have noticed you’re getting significantly more new-name commenters, and more comments in general. This is utterly cool, y’know!

Yep. I settled down with 50-100 more daily hits, which is nice. But the occasional new commenter — that is golden.

Getting commenters is the hard part. Especially pulling in commenters from outside the moronosphere.

I wonder how long before someone googles “Madonna, holy toast, vulva collections, TC collections, and Badgers inability to make a simple skype connection…”?

Good question, Uncle B. That would really be an obscure search, though. But no worse than the famous * P L F * phrase that Weasel is understandably famous for for no discernible reason.

Keep the good posts and artwork and strangeness going, Weaz, and they’ll stay.

Steam:

Surely you must recall that that “no discernible reason” is all in the past.

/calling you Shirley (beatcha to it)

I have two tabs opened by each other:
LDS.org – Sunday School Table of Contents – Book of Mormon Class Member Study Guide

and

S. Weasel

And they have the same icon thingy! What a hoot! Think, Ms. Stoaty, I should study your blog for Sunday School!

Well yeah, jw, but it was too good a phrase to leave off my otherwise inane comment.

Who was it who said, “If you have nothing to say, take care to say it eloquently.”

Oh, wait! that was me who said that. Never mind.

That – and “If you can’t be good, be sanitary.” are ideas to live by. I think.

That libray, Your Weaselness, is simply to die for.

Bookporn!

Those’re just the upstairs books. The hardbacks were downstairs.

I used to run a religion parody site. No, that’s not true. It was a site with an oddly religious feel to it. I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go with it, so I went nowhere.

Was this site in the line of Betty Bowers and the Landover Baptist Church?

McGoo, you can also use the wavatars developed by Shamus Young. I switched over to those on my site because they are cooler than the geometric quilt squares. I also got IB to switch, so there was a very long comment thread on which half the commenters were discussing Judaism and the authority of the Torah, and the other half were saying “oo, lookit my wavatar!”

So, about par for the course over there.

Howz about Chuck’s Baptist Church & Grill? (“Friends, are you washed in the Secret Sauce of the Lamb? Or are you going to be Deep-Fried for All of Eternity?”) Naturally, that sounds much better if you use your Ernest Angley voice.

Steam:
More words to live by: “Don’t iron in the nude.”

I come here for the sheer hysterical insanity, “second best vulva collection” has got to be the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. I now know it’s not just me.

No, it’s…hard to explain, Musli.

When you reject formal religion, your brain is still built to be spiritual. Unless you’re a 100% chromium-plated sceptical science-y type, this void tends to get filled up with some severely stupid things when you aren’t paying attention.

You’ll get superstitious. Or develop bunny-hugging tendencies. Or fall into some kind of New Age silliness. You will pray, but it will be directed to the State Capitol building. You will believe your car is sentient. You will hang dumb things around your neck and believe they are meaningful. You will have a Lucky Toenail. Like that.

Now, I’m a fairly chrome-plated sceptical science-y type, but I find this kind of litter collects in my brain all the time, in spite of myself. So I tried to weave it into a somewhat coherent body of junk-religious thought. Just for laughs.

But, being the weasel that I am, it often devolved into parodies of classic religious artworks. Parodying standing religions really isn’t what I wanted to do. Being a shit-bag about world religions isn’t all that much fun to me, however much I don’t believe in them, so I wandered off after a while.

I poked around my hard drive to see if I could find any of those old posts, but I couldn’t. It was a long time ago. It was the first domain name I ever bought.

You mean sKeptical. The vast majority of the English-speaking world spells it that way!

You know, I actually use British terms when I think the American term isn’t clear enough. For example, I pretty much always call a period a “full stop,” and I often refer to “lorries,” since we Americans tend to just say “trucks” and hope that people know we mean 18-wheelers, not Ford F150s.

But I will NEVER make a spacecraft from “aluminium.” The line is drawn there, my fruitcake-eating friends.

When you reject formal religion, your brain is still built to be spiritual. Unless you’re a 100% chromium-plated skeptical science-y type, this void tends to get filled up with some severely stupid things when you aren’t paying attention.

Yes!

That is the explanation I was looking for all my life! Well! My membership fee for Weasels site was money well spent, by Circe!

..And – Mrs. Peel – “quilty squares” was just the phrase I was groping for. Whatever – I like ’em. They’re … mathematical.

…And, Allen, if I may presume at Weasels site; please keep commenting!

Weaz:
Your regular devolution into parody while writing about religion reminds me of a time long ago when I tried (at the urging of some Writer’s Digest article (yes, they did so!)) to write a pornographic novel.

Tip: If the porn you write is good, you won’t make it past the second page.

Auxiliary Tip: Nobody buys porn for the insightful & witty social commentary. Think money shots, not bon mots.

Apropos to absolutely nothing, I remember the first and last lines of the first porno book I ever read.

First: Belly to belly we lay naked as billiard balls on the bed.

Last: I shot the son of a bitch in the head.

What appeared between those two lines is, as they say, a blur. I just recall that it beat holy hell out of the Alan E. Nourse stuff I was reading at the time.

Muslihoon – I swear, the Weasel/Badger thing – it’s almost as much the amalgamation of two libraries as anything.

Now, I grant you, they are pretty weird libraries, and you don’t so much get a reader’s ticket as a life sentence. But, all the same…. if you want anything worth reading about true crime, the Great Western Railway, art, mustelids, plant propagation, ancient religions, science fiction, forensic pathology, occultism, firearms…

I’d probably better shut up, hadn’t I?

Is that ‘belly to belly’ line one of those onomatopoetic thingys? Or just really bad writing? Never mind.

Like I said, Steam, nobody buys porn for the insightful & witty social commentary.

Second-best vulva
A Connoisseur’s dream haiku?
Or last year’s girl friend?

This haiku fetish –
Intellectual porno?
Or true (mental) crime?

Belly to belly.
A social commentary?
Or just good clean fun?

True Crime library.
Is Stoat Weasels real namesake
A De Medici?

Apropos of absolutely nada, folks, your Acme catalog is here…

mostly you dig them up in the graveyard….

…First, look for folks who aren’t using theirs anymore…

Or find the right kind of imam.

S. Weasel, how to increase your creepy cred, or maybe full bore spooky. First off go with the sleeping bag in the basement with obscure technological items and a bound notebook filled with impossibly close writing, on a card table therein.

Work into the conversation the following:

“When I was a kid I lived in Ballarat California at the Barker Ranch.”

“I don’t care much for technology.”

Actually it might be a good sales technique, your broker might break their butt to not have such a client for too long.

You should see our library. It’s so varied and esoteric — Judaism, occultism, Satanism, Mormonism, Islam, fundamentalist extremist Islam, and tons of languages.

…I’ve made him hit some mighty repulsive tourist attractions.

Ugh. Reminds me that I still owe the lovely Sarah D. a honeymoon trip to visit the National Parasite Collection.

It is, unfortunately, not open to the public, and the head curator stopped returning my emails about a year ago…

You know you’re a VIP when the curator of the National Parasite Museum stops returning your emails.

That’s a good one for the resume.

Wow. Yeah. If he thinks you’re a pest, he can say so with outstanding authority.

Why don’t they call the head curator the “Head Louse”? The Tapeworm General?

Parasite Gen’ral –
Head of the parasite team
We ream out your pipes!