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How did it take me twelve years to learn this?

So I says to Uncle B, “I emailed that to you. You should have gotten it by now.” And he breaks out laughing. And I’m like, what? And he’s like, ‘gotten’. And I’m like, don’t you say gotten? And he’s like, maybe in Tudor times.

So I go to work and I say, do you say gotten? And they’re like, maybe in Elizabethan times.

How did I not know this? Have they been snickering behind their hands all this time?

“I emailed that to you. You should have got it by now.” sounds all kinds of wrong.

The image above is from the famous ‘mind blown’ reaction gif. But where did it come from? If you give a flying one, the story is here.

p.s. LesterIII wins the Dead Pool with Norman Loyd. I confess, I had no idea who he was, but I looked up his picture and I kinda recognize him. Fair is fair. New Dead Pool tomorrow.

May 13, 2021 — 8:21 pm
Comments: 12

Hmmm…

I got a labcoat for my birthday! Either he’s complimenting me on my spirit of inquiry, or he’s hinting that my cooking tastes like industrial effluent.

Don’t care. Like labcoats. Used to wear one for work and it hid a multitude of wardrobe shortcomings. Somewhere around here I have a WWII army surplus one where the snaps go down the shoulder like Dr Frankenstein.

What? Yes, we do call each other Weasel and Badger around the house.

May 12, 2021 — 8:00 pm
Comments: 7

Am I a idiot?

That’s right. I’m going to bitch about my lawn mower some more.

Still not working. Same M.O. – I pump the bulb a few times to get some gas in there, and it runs until that’s gone. It mowed half the lawn before it started this stuff though. I think that’s a clue.

This guy bought the exact same mower as mine for £18 in a non-working condition and gets it going from start to finish in under an hour.

Based on watching him have a go, I reckon it’s either a clogged fuel line or the carburetor needs a clean. Ah, let’s face it – whether that’s the problem are not, you can be sure my carb is full of gunk.

But am I up to it, eh?

Hey, no probs if I mess it up. It’s No Mow May.

May 11, 2021 — 7:13 pm
Comments: 18

Guilty pleasures

Do you get Quora Digest? I think you automatically get signed up to it when you open a Gmail account, because I get mailings from them to each of my several Gmail addresses. Interestingly, the topics on each are slightly different, which either means they try different versions at random, or they’re targeting my topics based on which account I was logged into when I clicked something.

Yes, I click. Quora is one of my guilty pleasures. I’ve always been a sucker for ordinary people telling me pointless stories. I never realized until just now, though, how hard they make it to link to an individual story directly. Phew!

Have a look at the picture. It’s an overhead shot of something in China. For scale, the objects on the right hand side are electricity pylons. It is not a crop.

You’ll find the story here. For maximum amaze, scroll slowly past the pictures as the camera moves closer and closer to the subject.

And do read the article. The sheer scale of what happens when things go fuckup in China is astonishing.

Happy Monday!

May 10, 2021 — 7:10 pm
Comments: 5

My god, it’s full of stars…!

I saw something white scattered on the kitchen floor a little while ago. Being that I’m nearsighted, I got down on my knees and shined a flashlight on it. It was…tiny stars.

Dammit, they mice have got into my cake decorations!

April 19, 2021 — 8:00 pm
Comments: 7

Frrreeeeedom (just a little, anyway)

You may be aware we copped some level of freedom today. Nonessential shops were allowed to open. And pubs, but only if they had outside seating areas.

This resulted in situations where you were allowed to go inside to the toilet and pass by the bar both ways, but on no account could you stop at the bar on the way back and grab a pint of beer. No, that would be unsafe. A member of staff will bring it to you.

This goofy weirdo is responsible for a lot of the rules. Matt Hancock, MP from West Suffolk and Secretary of State for Health and Social Care. I’m convinced he’s a sadist.

This video clip is a perfect litmus test. If you’re a proponent of masks, you will think it’s Matt crying with emotion after the very first vaccine is released. If, on the other hand, you are a cynical weasel, you will think he’s laughing his ass off and struggling to hide it.

Bonus clip: Matt flops into his seat like Woody from Toy Story.

Anyway, it did my heart good to see most of the shops in the high street open again. Let’s see how much more freedom we’re allowed to have.

April 12, 2021 — 8:19 pm
Comments: 7

Oof

I host because I’m a computer geek, not because I’m important.

The googly eyes are how my eyes feel after scanning for intruders for an hour and a half. Also, because knew I already had a picture of googly eyes after Amazon tried to sell me a dime bag eight years ago for some reason.

Some people are still mad about their googly eye purchase. Apparently, the bag of 500 googly eyes doesn’t have any large ones. Poor form.

Naturally, I’m not suggesting you buy googly eyes from Amazon. Do what I do: use Amazon as a search engine, find the exact make and model of the thing you want, then use it as a search term to find another place to buy it. I’ve decided giving my money to a man who hates me is a bad idea.

Bonus Martian-to-human humor translator. Wikipedia explains googly eyes:

Googly eyes, or wiggle eyes, are small plastic crafting items used to imitate eyeballs. Googly eyes traditionally are composed of a white plastic or card backing covered by a clear, hard-plastic shell, encapsulating a black plastic disk. The combination of a black circle over a white disk mimics the appearance of the sclera and pupil of the eye to humorous effect. The inner black disk is allowed to move freely within the larger clear plastic shell, which makes the eyes appear to move when the googly eyes are tilted or shaken.

The plastic shells come in a variety of sizes ranging from 3⁄16 inch (4.8 mm) to over 24 inches (610 mm) diameter. The inner disks come in a variety of colors including pink, blue, yellow, red and green. Googly eyes are used for a variety of arts and crafts projects including pipe cleaner farm animals, silly sock puppets, mischievous pranks, and other creations. Googly eyes may also be attached to inanimate objects in order to give the objects a “silly” or “cute” appearance. This use often personifies the objects for a humorous effect.

The best part? It has a “citations needed” banner at the top.

AHOY! BullDawgGirl wins it with Prince Philip. All my old lady friends are sad. We have just enough time to squeeze in a NEW DEAD POOL. See you back here at 6 WBT.

April 8, 2021 — 8:06 pm
Comments: 12

Paddy O’Furniture

Yeah. Irish jokes. We get a lot of that here.

I used to think I had much French but no Irish ancestry, based on family lore. Then I looked it up on ancestry.com and couldn’t find a lick of French (beyond my grandmother’s family having a French-sounding name) and several forebears who at least set sail from Ireland.

DNA testing wasn’t helpful here. They lump French and German together (and I definitely had a German grandma) and then all of the British (of which I am upward of 60%).

I think how this ethnicity thing works, I’m thus permitted to make Irish but not French jokes.

Psych! Everyone makes French jokes.

We are currently semi-binge-watching a French cop series called Spiral. Yes, it’s in French with subtitles and I don’t usually like subtitles, but we’re enjoying it very much.

Dark? Very, very.

Uncle B and I both took French classes as pups and we bark like seals when we understand a French word. Which isn’t all that often because those people talk fast.

March 15, 2021 — 7:53 pm
Comments: 10

Ruin’t

As I cycled into work yesterday, I saw a young fox dead on the shoulder. Poor thing. I took a pic with my phone and thought, “I’ll post about that later.”

And then I got home and thought, “what the HELL is the matter with me that I would CONSIDER posting a picture of roadkill to my blog?!”

My brain is ruin’t.

So look at my coffee cup instead. I got it on Ebay. If you don’t recognize the logo, it’s Traitor’s Gate. Meaning this object is from the House of Commons.

I will be devastated if it turns out there’s a gift shop they sell these in, because I do so want to believe somebody pinched this from the canteen.

p.s. Don’t even ask what I think about the Meghan and Harry thing. I’m only physically capable of so much cringe before I sprain something.

March 9, 2021 — 8:48 pm
Comments: 6

No, I didn’t turn the tap on

If you look in the shiny chrome spout, you can see me! Real small! Taking the picture!

Do you remember the old Ebay reflection thing? Some years ago, people started to notice Ebay listings of shiny things – things like kettles and glasses and televisions – often showed the reflection of the photographer. Buck nekkid.

These got published on lists of “accidental” nudity, but it happened so regularly that the Internet ultimately decided it was a kink.

Seriously, who lists a second hand kettle for sale? And then takes a picture of it in the nude?

I won’t link to specifics, but if you do an images search of ebay photo nude reflection you can see lots tiny images of ugly naked people reflected in cheap tat. Because I’m sure you want to do that.

It’s the weekend! w00t!

March 5, 2021 — 8:26 pm
Comments: 7