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Doctor’s orders


I just gave blood, so I’m not supposed to do anything strenuous. Like think. Or post something interesting.

I always give blood when they phone me up. You give somebody money, you don’t know where the hell it goes. Give them blood? There’s pretty much one thing they can do with it. (Plus, I love giving Uncle B the coffee mugs with the big RIBC drop o’ blood logo on the side).

The difference between the ones that call and ask and the ones that screen you when you get there is shocking. The phone ladies are all, like, “pleaseohpleaseohpleeeeeease give us some blood. You’ll be a hero to adorable big-eyed puppies everywhere!”

And the screener ladies are like, “So, Miz Weasel, are you a dirty, filthy whore? Because you look like a dirty, filthy whore. Yeah, you give sex for money, right? You shoot up? You’ve snuck off to Cameroon again, haven’t you?” I understand the need to keep bad things out of the blood supply, but if I were having sex in exchange for drugs, I’d like to think I’d have the decency to lie about it.

My favorite question is the one about whether you have ever once had sex with a man who has ever once had sex with another man. How the hell would I know? I mean, technically.

A couple of times I’ve been turned away — high blood pressure, stuff like that. They always act like I tried to put one over on them. “So! Tried to sneak some of your filthy whore blood past us, eh?”

Just once, I’d like the phone ladies and the blood ladies to trade places. Sure, the phone ladies would probably poke me full of holes and leave me soaked in my own gore, but I’d feel so good about it.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to lie around and eat things. Doctor’s orders.


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: July 15, 2008, 5:13 pm

LOLOL… Stoatie, did you watch ‘Tales from the crypt’? There was an episode called ‘The Reluctant Vampire’ with Malcolm McDowell, about a vampire who took a job as the night-watchman at the local bloodbank so that he could feed without having to hurt anyone. Unfortunately, the owner caught him, and made him start draining the homeless, whom he was always reciting the clinic questionare as he was taking every last drop they had..

It was funnier than hell, and was one of my all-time favorite episodes….

Comment from iamfelix
Time: July 15, 2008, 6:14 pm

As usual, Stoaty has (1) made me laugh and (2) made me more edjumacated. I thought someone (don’t remember who or where — typical!) had informed me that since I became an insulin-dependent diabetic I could no longer donate. Not so! as I have discovered by actually checking the Red Cross website, thanks to this post. I’ve only used Humulin, and those banned are bovine-insulin users (past & present) … fears of mad cow disease the culprit there. So the next time the bloodmobile (love that term) hits my workplace, I’m baaack. I started giving when my mom had her first open-heart surgery, thinking, “well, if some great (relatively) healthy lout such as myself doesn’t … ???” And that was pre-HIV/AIDS. Also, this RC Museum page is rather interesting.

Yer a public-service weasel fer shur, Stoaty! Kick back & eat something yummy. 🙂

Comment from Allen
Time: July 15, 2008, 6:45 pm

The first time I went to Russia it was still the workers paradise of the Soviet Union. Before I went I was told, “if you’re in an accident and are at all conscious tell them, take me to Germany.”

It seems you had a 50/50 chance of becoming HIV positive if the Russians gave you any blood. That was a charming bit of knowledge.

I really don’t know why they ask the questions anyway. For all the important stuff they’re supposed to be testing your donation no matter what.

Comment from porknbean
Time: July 15, 2008, 6:47 pm

But did you tell them that you had a thing for ‘badgers’?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: July 15, 2008, 6:57 pm

They actually did refuse my blood for a while, on account of all the time I spent in England. When the gigantic mad cow epidemic never materialized, they moderated the rules (though you still can’t give if you’ve gotten a blood transfusion in Britain).

Comment from Muslihoon
Time: July 15, 2008, 7:26 pm

Ah, I did not know insulin-dependent diabetics could donate blood. I learned early on (and thereafter assumed as correct) that diabetics could or should not donate.

When I was first diagnosed, I used bovine insulin. Which I thought was interesting because the only other thing available (that I was aware of) was porcine insulin. No way Pakistan would import porcine insulin.

Then I started on human insulin (can’t remember if it was in Pakistan or the UAE).

Now I’m contemplating the pump.

Diabetes healthcare is improving considerably in Pakistan. One just has to want to get the information and equipment. Too many people think they know what superstitious juju to do to treat diabetes. (Not joking: when one of my aunts found out, she came to our home, revolved a piece of cloth around my head while reciting Qur’anic passages, and burned the cloth. She said I should be cured soon. My mother’s stepmother also had a cure: recite a certain Qur’anic verse, blow on water, and have me drink the water. I should soon be cured.) And the non-superstitious believe in other nonsense. It’s funny (and alarming) to bring up diabetes and then hear the hundreds of silly treatments for it. (Which Pakistanis are experts at, seeing as most Pakistani adults become diabetic. Americans are worried about how diabetes is spreading in America: they have no idea how the epidemic is spreading in Pakistan. It’s truly alarming.)

I can’t give blood, for various reasons. Not that it would discomfit me too much. I am very, very used to being jabbed with needles and having blood extracted.

Which is somewhat ironic considering I loathed, hated, and detested all needles of all types prior to being diagnosed with diabetes. I would literally wrestle with the phlebotomist. The Fates have (or God has) an interesting sense of humor indeed.

Pingback from Everyday hilarity | Cold Fury
Time: July 15, 2008, 7:40 pm

[…] gives blood: The difference between the ones that call and ask and the ones that screen you when you get there […]

Comment from armybrat
Time: July 15, 2008, 7:42 pm

I was gonna ask how you get away with giving blood after spending time in the mad cow haven. Hubby and I are blocked since we lived there years ago.

Comment from Scubafreak
Time: July 15, 2008, 7:45 pm

Muslihoon, all you have to do to see God’s sense of humor is to look at a Platypus.

Bill like a Duck
Tail of a Beaver
Lays eggs
Nurses like a Mammal,
Lives in the water, but breaths air,
and is one of the few animals with both Fur and Venom glands (in the hind legs)

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: July 15, 2008, 8:07 pm

Curious absence of Mad Cow Disease in old Blighty.

Makes you wonder about AGW… (as if you didn’t, already).

Now, mad badger disease… but we’ve always had that.

Comment from TattooedIntellectual
Time: July 15, 2008, 8:31 pm

We lived in Germany when I was little so no blood giving for me. That and lately I’ve been in the “you’ve had a new tattoo recently” group. We’ll ignore the fact that I’ve seen my artist’s autoclave and that her office is inspected more often than the doctors.

And Scuba–platypus are some damned cool animals. The next tat is a nice synthesis of NZ tribal (but not that tribal) and the platypus. We’re commemorating the year spent on the underside of the world.

Comment from iamfelix
Time: July 15, 2008, 9:10 pm

Makes you wonder about AGW… (as if you didn’t, already).

OMG!!!1!!11!! You THINK … ?????



Comment from porknbean
Time: July 15, 2008, 11:06 pm

they have no idea how the epidemic is spreading in Pakistan.

Why? Are they sitting in front of the TV more than us?

Comment from butch
Time: July 15, 2008, 11:40 pm

reluctant vampire

yeah, I’m a loser

Comment from Allen
Time: July 15, 2008, 11:47 pm

This post is funny as hell in the Creepy Robot Voice version.

Comment from scubafreak
Time: July 16, 2008, 12:31 am

Kewl! They finally updated the site…..

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: July 16, 2008, 7:13 am

Heh. I think it’s creepy robot guy calling himself a dirty, filthy whore that does it.

Comment from Jill
Time: July 16, 2008, 9:22 am

So…I guess the fact that I have “I’m A Dirty Filthy Whore From Cameroon” tattooed across the back of my neck means I’m pretty much S-O-L, huh?

Comment from Lokki
Time: July 16, 2008, 10:29 am

Jill –

As long as you have
“I’m A Dirty Filthy Whore From Cameroon” tattooed on your back in Japanese or Chinese, everything will be cool.


Comment from Dave in Texas
Time: July 16, 2008, 10:32 am

Life is full of odd coincidences. Mrs. Dave in Texas also donated blood yesterday.

I myself cannot donate, my blood would make you sick wit Hepatitis, so I was unfamiliar with the present-day screening questions. They are quite nosy, aren’t they?

Comment from Jill
Time: July 16, 2008, 10:46 am

Lokki, what a coinkydink: I was just over at Engrish.com before I came back here and read your post.

Comment from cranky
Time: July 16, 2008, 11:00 am

I was told I couldn’t donate because I’d lived in Holland for seven years during the 80s and something about horse meat and Chernobyl. Worthwhile thing to do. I used to get the phone calls asking me to donate so I guess I’ve got some super duper blood type although I can’t remember what it is.

Those interviews are a little intrusive.

Comment from Jessica
Time: July 16, 2008, 4:35 pm

Why I don’t give blood…

Comment from wendyworn
Time: July 16, 2008, 10:38 pm

Playtpuses (playtpusi?) have Venom glands! Ew! if they bite you will you die? I guess I always put them in the cute cuddly realm due to Mr. Rogers and all.

I have O positive blood which is pretty rare (or so I’ve heard) so I was feeling all patriotic and decided to give blood one day. After my veins collapsed the first couple pokes and they finally hooked me up, I got really sick while they were draining the blood out. (it is probably better not to watch) The nurse lady told me that next time to tell the people they should only take 1/2 a bag. Gack.
I haven’t given blood since although I believe in the concept!

Comment from Muslihoon
Time: July 16, 2008, 11:45 pm

“Platypi” (although to be technically correct, it should be “platypodes”).

(I mean no disrespect, wendyworn. I’m just playing my part of the insufferable pedant.)

Comment from TattooedIntellectual
Time: July 17, 2008, 6:59 am

Standard usage at least where I was, platypus is like moose. Singular and plural.

And the males have venom glands hooked up to a spike on their hind legs/flippers.

Comment from Alice H
Time: July 17, 2008, 3:49 pm

You get COFFEE MUGS? No fair, all I get are t-shirts and hats. I’d much rather have a coffee mug. Especially in light of the donation center strongly discouraging one from drinking an entire pot of coffee prior to donation.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: July 17, 2008, 3:58 pm

Well, you only get a coffee mug for each gallon. But it’s cool — they put which gallon it is on the mug.

The rest of the time, it’s just juice and cookies.

Comment from Alice H
Time: July 17, 2008, 4:07 pm

And by the way, Bonfils here in the Denver area only cares if you’re a woman who has had sex with a man who had sex with a man in the past twelve months. Although I think the way it works is, a woman who in the past twelve months has had sex with a (man who had sex with a man).

I’d still rather have a coffee mug. I was going to offer to swap, but it sounds like I’d have to accumulate quite a bit of swag to wrest one of those mugs from your paws.

Comment from Mrs. Peel
Time: July 17, 2008, 11:07 pm

To tie this thread together with an earlier one, I can’t give blood because I don’t weigh enough. Which frustrates me, because there’s nothing wrong with my blood, while everyone else in my family has a problem of some kind that prevents them from giving blood.

Comment from Alice H
Time: July 18, 2008, 12:11 pm

heh – I’ll gladly give you some of my extra weight, Mrs Peel!

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