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Take two

Meh. I just abandoned a post partway through.

I watched a complete walkthrough of the game The Last of Us 2 last week. In case you’ve missed the controversy, it’s another lost battle in the culture war (it’s oh, so painful and woke). But apparently I can’t explain why without gibbering at great length and most of you aren’t the least interested in video games.

So let me leave it at this: the picture is a new character. Here she is, exhausted from slowly beating to death your favorite character from the first game with a golf club, while your other favorite character watches, screaming and crying. It happens about two hours in.

Then you get to spend ten hours playing as her. The murderer. Who is totally a woman and not a transsexual or anything.

The message of the game is ‘hate is bad’. Because of all the shitty things that happen to your other favorite character as she seeks revenge. Not because of anything bad that happens to Tranny McMa’am here. She’s fine.

It’s a thoroughly miserable experience from start to finish. And some (many!) people are calling it a masterpiece because anything that hurts this much has got to be grown up and deep, right?

p.s. The graphics were really beautiful. Not going to lie, I’m dying to play a good game with scenery this wonderfully rendered.

July 2, 2020 — 9:17 pm
Comments: 13

Be careful what you search for…


 

 

Found on a search for “wild boar hoof”. Yes, it’s a sex toy. The original file name was Overlength-Super-Wild-Boar-Hoof-Simulation-Anal-Backyard-G-Point-Climax-Console-Oneself-Organ-Sex-Toys.jpg

I can’t make sense of how it’s supposed to work. The hoof faces one way and the snout is at a 90° angle to it and I…don’t want to think about it any more.

A link, if you must, but I’m afraid it’s out of stock.

I was doing a wild boar illustration for Sussex Day. Sussex Day isn’t an ancient holiday and the wild boar isn’t the symbol of Sussex, it’s just a good old Saxon symbol.

The Sussex flag is blue with six yellow martlets (little heraldic birds) and it isn’t ancient, either.
 

 

Gromulin wins dick with Vera Lynn. Much beloved old dame here and everyone is sad. But not you! Because new Dead Pool tomorrow!
 

 

 

June 18, 2020 — 9:00 pm
Comments: 9

Exciting!

We went to Aldi today. It’s the action adventure I’ve been longing for.

The precautions are all but gone. Nobody stood at the door to let us in one at a time. The floor markers were there for social distancing, but people largely ignored them. There was sanitizer. If you wanted it. Whatevs.

Just afterwards, Uncle B went to Waitrose and said the atmosphere was much more tense and the rituals more enforced. I don’t know if it’s a class thing or an age thing, but there you go.

That’s not our Aldi. It looks like ours, but that picture is from the Pittsburgh Gazette. It’s probably just a publicity shot, not a store in Pittsburgh. You can tell because it’s not on fire.

Speaking of which, please don’t let the trust fund babies burn America down. I may never go back, but I take some comfort knowing it’s there to go back to.

June 1, 2020 — 8:02 pm
Comments: 12

Patience

This is Jenny. She went so hard broody one summer that I bought some fertilized eggs for her to sit on.

It takes 21 days to incubate eggs and, being an inexperienced chicken hatcher, it was 21 days before I figured out they were all duds. Three weeks of staring at the chicken cam waiting for something to happen. Which occasionally it did (like here, where Jenny entertained a mouse).

Mostly it was just a hen sighing and staring into the distance.

I felt so bad for her (and myself) I asked a chicken keeping buddy to sell me some eggs that were almost ready to hatch. I put them under Jenny and hatch they did. This is where Millie, Sam and Mo came from.

Baby chicks with a mother hen are hilarious. They move around up inside the down next to her body and you’ll see a little head poke out from just about anywhere. It’s surreal.

As they get older, they continue to sleep under her wings until eventually she’s sleeping stretched out on a giant platform of small chickens. Jenny put up with it well beyond the point she should have kicked them out. She wasn’t getting any decent sleep, so one night I felt bad for her and put her in the old pen with her buddy Colette.

Late that night, there was a terrific squawking and we ran out to find a panicky fox trapped inside the old run. I later worked out he’d knocked the bottom out of the nest box with his head (who knew they weren’t screwed on?), got into the run and couldn’t get out again.

What do? I didn’t have a gun, I couldn’t really beat him to death with a hoe and I was worried about any chickens that might still be inside. Soooo, I let him out.

There was nothing whatever left of Jenny. Not a feather. Not a toenail. Not an unpleasant stain. I honestly can’t understand how that could possibly be, but it was.

Colette was fine. Shook up, so I brought her inside for the night, but she lived another year or more.

May 20, 2020 — 7:59 pm
Comments: 6

Beats the hell out of television

Meteor showers tonight! They peak tomorrow or the next night, depending on where you are, but it’s a new moon tonight and especially dark. Very clear here, too.

Named after constellation Lyra, the Lyrids are one of the oldest recorded meteor showers—according to some historical Chinese texts, the shower was seen over 2,500 years ago. The fireballs in the meteor shower are created by debris from comet Thatcher, which takes about 415 years to orbit around the Sun. The comet is expected to be visible from Earth again in 2276.

I don’t recognize the constellation Lyra by name. Does it have a different name back home, like the Skillet or the ‘Possum or the Banjo?

April 20, 2020 — 7:16 pm
Comments: 9

I’m not proud of myself

Mo’s special girl is G. I can’t tell which of them leads and which of them follows, but I used to find them together well away from the rest of the flock, like they were making a break for it. That’s before Mo went all ‘alpha cockerel’.

It makes sense as they’re very similar color. Chickens are hella racist.

In the comments of yesterday’s post, Mrs P asks an uncomfortable question:

 


 

Yes. God yes. It’s really shaming.

I make an effort to observe the flock together and not pair them off randomly, but it’s awkward as hell. Particularly in the evening when I’m putting a hen in with a cockerel that has been cooped up for hours. They can be…swift and ungentle.

Fortunately, chicken sex is undramatic. They bump bottoms three or four times. The roughness is because the cockerel steadies himself by getting a big beakful of her neck feathers. She doesn’t like this one bit. If the hen is completely unwilling, they’ll go ’round and ’round in circles (and I’m afraid I usually intervene).

And always – every time – the hen shakes herself afterwards, head to toe, like a wet dog. She doesn’t go brrrrr, but it’s implied.

April 16, 2020 — 7:48 pm
Comments: 10

Nothing happened again today. It was glorious.

I could get used to this lockdown stuff. I’m not only idle, I’m idle by order of the Prime Minister and he’ll pay me to do nought. I can’t visit anyone, no-one can visit me and the roads are as quiet as Christmas morning. The weather is lovely, we have food and booze enough for now. I am content.

The girl in the picture is Chel. She followed me around all day. Whenever I swept stuff into a pile, she’d run over and scatter it again, looking for delicious bugs, grubs and worms.

Happy Maundy Thursday, everyone. First the first time anyone knows, the Maundy money has gone out by mail.

April 9, 2020 — 8:04 pm
Comments: 9

Riddle me this…

If I order non-essential stuff online, is that a good thing because it’s propping up the economy, or a bad thing because it’s diverting resources away from vital food deliveries? I don’t want to be a civic baddie. But, see, I’m running out of Aero-press coffee filters.

Uncle B went for supplies today. Bread and milk, and gas for the lawn mower. He said it was a little freaky; people seemed scared.

We had to get a two-gallon jug of whole milk, so I’m’a have to do my thing (I love milk).

I wonder if I’m the only gamer sitting down to kill stuff with a big ol’ glass of milk.

Oh, and I got something weird in the mail from Amazon:

The Dutch market surveillance authority: De Nederlandse Voedsel- en Warenautoriteit (NVWA) has published a recall notification about the below product that you have bought on Amazon.co.uk due to the risk of overheating.

Product:
Epson Perfection V300 Photo Scanner (4800 dpi,USB 2.0)

I looked it up. I bought the damn thing on March 4, 2010. What are the odds it’s even still in service? (It is. It’s fine).

And what does that have to do with the Dutch?

April 1, 2020 — 7:46 pm
Comments: 14

I’m sulking

It hammered with rain today. It hammered on me as I biked in to work. It hammered on me as I biked home. It hammered on me when I fed the chooks. It hammered on me when I put the chooks to bed.

It isn’t muddy by the chicken run today, it’s a standing pool of water an inch deep. The barley straw in their houses seems to pull moisture from the air and every day I’m grabbing wads of dripping, shit-covered straw and replacing it with dry. I have special gloves for this.

I was in the vilest of moods when I finally got home and dry. That is all.

Image stolen from the home screen of Rainy Mood, my favorite online white noise maker.

Virus update: We had our first coronavirus death today. All we know is it was someone with other health problems. The UK has tested about 13,500 for the virus and found just over a hundred cases. The US, as far as we know, has tested about 500 people and found 200 cases. Whenever they get their shit together and start mass testing, I think you’re in for a rude surprise (though if they’re only testing people they strongly suspect, the proportion is bound to be high).

March 5, 2020 — 9:33 pm
Comments: 11

What it is to live in the country

I hope this adorable tiny pig goes some way to atone for the horrible thing I showed you yesterday. Yes, thank you, it’s tolerably recovered today.

The little cat (name still undetermined) had his very first vet appointment today. He’d never had his shots or, as far as we know, seen a dog or even been out of doors, except briefly when he was taken from his mama at eight weeks.

There’s a sort of partition in the waiting room, perhaps to help separate unruly animals. We heard someone come in, followed by a baa.

No, not the pig. The pig didn’t baa. This lady had an orphaned lamb, similarly button-cute. After our appointment, she returned with the pig. Which didn’t make any noises at all, that I recall. The lady runs an animal rescue.

The little one was shot up with all kinds of stuff, and given a worming pill and a flea treatment. I’m afraid it was too much for him. He’s been curled in a miserable ball on the floor ever since and I feel awful about it.

Hey, did you hear the one about the lady in Seattle who wanted to get tested for Coronavirus? She had all the symptoms and worked as a physical therapist, often with older patients, so she thought she ought to get herself checked out. I mean, right? Long story short…you can’t. Unless you meet specific criteria (outside the country in the last two weeks or in contact with an infected person) OR you get sick enough to be hospitalized, no screening for you. What the hell has happened to/at the CDC?

March 3, 2020 — 8:26 pm
Comments: 4