sweasel.com

One of the few toys I remember vividly from when I was a little girl was a pink rubber rat that squeaked when you squoze it. It has only this moment occurred to me that my parents obviously gave me a dog toy.

Huh.

LOL… Personally, I kept switching between an alligator and Nessie, swimming through the top of the monitor. They were great conversation pieces…..

I have all manner of junk on my monitor. A wooden elephant, a little frog, a wind-up fluffy chicken, a union flag on a stick, a couple of those squashed pennies you put through the machine at San Diego Zoo…but no rat. Now I have to get one.

I had a rubber alligator for quite a while too, but I’ve got a plush tree-frog on my monitor now. It’s harder to perch stuff on top of flat screens though so there isn’t nearly as much stuff on them as there used to be.

Want to know how stubborn That Bloody Cat is?

I have a habit of sitting cross-legged, like an old Jewish tailor, on the floor, as I type, with my trusty Stinkpad up on a footstool in front of me (you can see it in Minds-I-Vision, ‘cos that’s exactly what I’m doing now).

When I do this, Her Royal Hideousness frequently sneaks behind me and occupies the space on the sofa I’ve just vacated.

She has done this so often that the other week, I Got Pissed Off. So I lowered my arse (and it is, I may say with all due modesty, a rather large arse), by slow degrees onto the little brute’s pointy head.

Inch by inch, the vast badger bum descended, like some device of torture from a Roger Corman Poe movie. The Pit and the Bumdulum.

And did the cat flinch? She did not.

I got to the point where my descendant posterior was actually flattening her ears, but still she would not move.

She didn’t even flinch.

In the end I capitulated and took to the greenhouse in a hissy fit.

Two days later, bent on revenge, I chased her down the garden path, arms outstretched and groaning, like Frankenstein’s monster. She screamed and ran.

An hour later she wheedled an extra pouch of food out of me.

That cat is an evil genius.

That “My parents gave me a dog toy?!” bit made me laugh.

My dog thought it was pretty funny too.

UB, I’m amazed that you didn’t end up with a pierced caboose. After all, 5 of a cat’s 6 ends are pointy……

(Or so Schroedinger likes to remind me….)

Not her style, Scoob. Charlotte is very gentle and sweet…but VERY stubborn.

I had a rubber chicken hanging from the rear-view mirror of my first car. It was all fun and games until it wedged itself into the steering wheel during a hard right turn and wouldn’t let the wheel go back to center. Now that I’m not seeing the bridge abutment zooming up into the windshield, it’s pretty funny again.

I haz a rattie! And in all my meanness glory I hides it when the cleaning lady comes! It could be on the side of the tv… behind the cermaic chicken on the kitchen counter…hiding in the shower…. she’s never said a thing about that rat in the last 5 years… but the gun, hoooboy did I ever hear about the gun. MISSY, GUN, MISSY, GUN… and she kept pointing to it and backing away. Now I make sure the gun is put away before she comes. But the rat… you never know where the rat will be!

Sorry, but that’s not a rat.
That is some pleistocene devil rodent.
And it’s creepy.

No gnomes in this garden!

One of my fellow contractor-parasites received a *large* plastic tarantula in the mail last week.

A remote-controlled plastic tarantula — which he promptly sent scuttling across the rocks into Flight Operations.

I didn’t know our dispatcher could even *lift* his desk, let alone throw it ten feet…

On the top of my monitor there’s a necklace of wooden beads on which are also strung the dried ears of hobos past. People think they’re figs, lol.

Oh, and also a largish piece of my original birth placenta in a jar. For good luck. And shiny hair.

Like David Gillies, I keep my junk on my monitor too.

The dessicated scrotum of the last guy to proposition my wife, and the index fingers of all the people foolish enough to point at me while attempting to lecture me. Oh, and my autographed picture of Steve McQueen.

Being a Mac owner, I’m too much of a hipster douchbag to keep (or have ever kept) stuff on top of my monitor.

I had Miss November 2009 perched up there until the boss made me take her down. Fascist!!!!111!

Let’s see, a Smiley Face with a hand-drawn knife sticking out of it and the word “YOU” on the bottom, a taped on list of phone numbers, and a used condom.

A smallish piece of lauraw’s original birth placenta in a jar.

And a Hershey’s Kiss.

What’s on my monitor?

Teh spleen of the last IT support guy that suggested I reboot my system.

On the monitor at home, I have a piece of Feldspar with an aluminum foil beanie and a Bruce Willis CD.

Oh, and “QI” Scrabble tile. Just because.

Oh, on my home monitor, I have a huge jar where I keep the panties of all the women I have “dated”

I have one of those fake dog turds (at least I hope it is a fake one – haven’t checked it in a while) and one of those foam bricks for throwing at all the stupid things people say on the intertubes.

What Wiser left out is that the jar is large because of the size of the panites. They’s like three pairs stuffed in there.

They’s like three pairs stuffed in there.

3? What do I look like, Superman?

All I have are the dried remains of an ejaculate, having run down to hang from the bottom like a crusty jizzcicle or spoogelagtite.

And a sticky note to “Call Mother.”

And a sticky note to “Call Mother.”

Do you mean a “sticky note” or a “sticky” note?

I can’t tell you what’s on my home monitor. I think this line is monitored.

I used to keep the underwear of men I ‘dated’ up there, but now they’re sitting in some evidence room somewhere. Apparently ‘dated’ has different meanings to different people.

well, they may not have exactly been date-dates…..

That cat is an evil genius.

It appears that both the cat AND the rat are smarter than you. They have the seat now, don’t they? And where are you sitting? On the floor, I bet.

My dogs do the same thing to me with the couch – I had to go get another couch so I’d have a place to sit. I better not get another dog….

Do you really want to know what is on top of my monitor?

I’m guessing some kidney and some fava beans.

Do you mean what’s on top of it “right now” or just kinda all the time?

On my monitor, I keep a souvenir piece of the steering linkages from the cars of all the girls who ever dumped me and a paper plate with dried Dijon mustard from a Maury Amsterdam sandwich I ate about a year ago.

I have a note taped to the monitor that says, “You’re special.”

I taped huge jug ears on my monitor at home. Sometimes I put an enlarged pic of Obama’s face up and blow spitballs at him from my desk chair. Then I give the kids a quarter to clean the monitor screen.

I have a naked picture of my mother.

I have about a couple of sticky notes with all of my current and past passwords, my checking account number (including the routing number), my savings account number, my 401k account numbers, my socsec number and my drivers license number. Oh…..and my anniverary and wife’s birthdate. I donn’t see a fucking problem here.

I have a naked picture of your mother too, wiser. Rosetta calls her kerry marie, but I know better.

I have a naked picture of my mother.

So do the rest of us – that’s just a given.

Has anyone seen my pants?

“Has anyone seen my pants?”

Yes.

look on your monitor.

I have a picture of Wiser’s cock, but it’s TAPED to my monitor.

So, does that count?

Rosetta’s pants: http://tinyurl.com/yfqwn72

Maybe if your alls asses weren’t so HAWT, the cat wouldn’t want your space.

Again with Wiser’s weenee? Always with the weenee.

“has anyone seen my pants?”

They’re in a jar on wiser’s monitor.

wiser has a weenie? Mare, THAT is a poon.

My mom says I’m not to play with the big kids, especially if they use words like “spooge” and “weenie.”

Speaking of Mom, I really do have a naked picture of my mother. Really.

Unfortunately, I look like my dad.

I know we agreed to take wiser’s weenie off the table yesterday, but who the hell put it on Carin’s monitor?

That’s just sick.

Why was wiser’s weenie on the table to begin with?

*gets out hammer*

Speaking of Mom, I really do have a naked picture of my mother.

I knew that.

Speaking of Mom, I really do have a naked picture of my mother. Really.

That is cr…………

*calls therapist’s emergency hotline*

I kept my dog’s puppy teeth.

I kept my dog’s puppy teeth.

HEY! I wasn’t done with those.

Pass the applesauce.

Is it just me, or does that rat resemble the Rodents Of Unusual Size from ‘The Princess Bride’?

I kept my dog’s puppy teeth.

Did you extract them from that kid’s ass first, or just carve it off and put THAT up there?

raises an eyebrow

Uncle B said:

I have a habit of sitting cross-legged, like an old Jewish tailor,

Sigh. Cursed with a bit of useless trivia that I must pass on.

The muscle crossing the inner aspect of your thigh that allows you to roll your leg that way and sit cross legged is, of course, the sartorius, the “tailor’s muscle.”

I myself have never seen a tailor sit that way.

Well, ‘useless’ maybe – but interesting, all the same 🙂

So, did anyone have Malcolm McLaren in the Death Pool?
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/news/malcolm-mclaren-dies-aged-64-1939621.html

When my father retired, he took up woodcarving for a time. One of the little knick-knacks he carved for almost everyone in the family was a “computer mouse.” This was a cute little fella who squatted on the top of the monitor and peered over the edge to see what you were doing. Not quite a rat, but you reminded me of it. LCD screens just don’t have the room atop for such things. 🙁

And as for Charlotte…squirt gun. There’s a reason God made cats hate water.

I have a little windup snowman that poops snowballs and a sticky note that says “Do Not Disturb – Disturbed Enough Already”

My four cats have a queen-sized bed that they will sometimes allow me to share with them. They also have a twin-sized bed that they sometimes allow my daughter to share with them. They also have another twin-sized bed in the spare room, and get really pissy when they have to share it with visitors.

So I feel your pain.

I saved my dog’s puppy teeth too!
I have them in a tiny little glass jar with my own puppy teeth.

When my new kitten was harrassing my older cat, I got the squirt bottle everyone suggested to discourage him. It did make him stop bugging the other cat – he would come over to me and open his mouth and catch the water in it for minutes at a time.

I have both a plush rat, and a plastic skunk, named Mojo on top of mine.