Wherein Weasel applies for the Mark of the Beast
On 25 November 2008, certain foreign nationals who apply for further leave to remain (FLR) will be required to have an identity card. The identity cards will contain the following information:
■ a digital photograph of the holder
■ a unique identification number
■ the holder’s name
■ the card expiration date
■ the place and date of issue
■ the holder’s immigration category
■ the holder’s signature
■ a list of restrictions and entitlements for the holder’s immigration category
■ the holder’s fingerprints (on a biometric chip)
■ the holder’s date and place of birth
■ the holder’s gender
■ the holder’s nationality
■ a codification of all of the above into a machine readable formatBiometric appointments will be made using a call centre. Each call centre will use a pool of slots to allocate on a first-come, first-served basis. The appointment itself will require a maximum of 30 minutes. For those who have previously enrolled, an appointment is still required in order to re-check the fingerprints and facial image. A local-rate telephone number will be available for employers and universities to verify that a given ID card is valid. The ID card is not a valid travel document.
If you didn’t guess from the retarded spelling of “center” this does NOT mean that the Bush administration is cracking down on illegals (though, FYI, the US is famously hard on our LEGAL immigrants.). No, this is one more thing to look forward to in Jollye Olde.
In theory, I’m all in favor of countries keeping a close eye on their resident ferriners. But you know what? There is no longer ANY sort of immigration control or restriction of movement or settlement on anyone from within the EU.
So, say for example your daddy was in the Luftwaffe and dropped shit on London for a living. Why, it’s all Willkommen, Freund, enjoy your new life in England. But if Papa was a Yank, Canuck or Aussie snoozing in the poppy fields of Normandy, it’s vere are your papers?
Sucks, is what that right there does.
This is in addition the biometrics that I will have to supply with my Fiancée Visa application, by the way. And guess what? The computer in London that processes those biometrics just shit the bed, moving the average application approval back two weeks. Plus, my buyer needs another week for mortgage confirmation.
So I didn’t make a big deal of the dates. Did you notice that? The ID policy goes into effect on November 25, my ETA was November 26? Hahaha…very funny, Yer Worship. Still hatin’ on a weasel. But that November 26 date is looking increasingly unlikely now, anyway.
And yes…I really do wear a watch with a standing weasel on it.
October 22, 2008 — 11:59 am
Comments: 46
Stand by: posting will be psychotic
<--- (Must give a shout-out to my man the Duct Tape Bandit, my go-to images search whenever I need to wad something up in a horrible Photoshopped ball of duct tape. You, sir, are my hero).
The closing on Weasel Manor is still tentatively set for November 25, and it looks good, but we haven’t gotten an official, can’t-back-out lockdown on the mortgage. Hence, I haven’t touched off the chain events that cost monies, mainly the movers and visas. Settlement visas are running about 20 days from the New York embassy, assuming there aren’t any problems. Which is an assumption you cannot assume without making an Ass of U and Me (one of my first acts as a corporate artiste was making a poster of that hideous slogan and, believe me, it made an ass of me for life).
With best of luck, we close on the 25th November, pussycat and I fly out on the 26th, and arrive in Jollye Olde on Thanksgiving Day, the 27th. Which would be impossibly cool.
Without luck, my visa won’t be approved when I sell the house and Charlotte and I will spend Thanksgiving sharing a Quiznos turkey sub in a hotel that isn’t fussy about pets.
Either way, between now and then stretches a vast desert plain of paperwork, lawyers, banks, cardboard boxes and assorted other scary grownup shit. Scary grownup shit isn’t really my strong suit. I have heretofore carefully crafted my life to include an absolute minimum of scary grownup shit. When scary grownup shit happens, little bits of junk start rattling off the weaselmachine.
So I’m going to keep up on sweasel.com as best I can in the next six to however-many weeks — it will no doubt be a tiny island of joy in a frothing sea of loose poopy — but I’m unlikely to maintain my usual frequency and high standard of low comedy.
I’d particularly like to apologize to my blogroll. I make a good faith effort to walk down that thing every day, check up on you guys, and comment where inappropriate. But much of my precious surfing time will be consumed by the aforementioned SGS. Also, people who have stumbled over this site and link to me — thank you! I always follow up and check your site out in return, and one day I will again. Just…not until Christmas.
In closing, I’d like to say, OHMYFUCKINGGOD THISISSOMESCARYSHITRIGHTHERE AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
October 20, 2008 — 1:20 pm
Comments: 21
How to get a Weasel Import License, Part the First
Ugh. It was mere minutes before the visa application process turned me into Screaming Attack Weasel.
Some visas must be applied for online (then you print it out and mail it in, so god knows what that’s about). You know who doesn’t do online very skillfully?
Government.
Like, the forms would ask a long-ass question and give a 100-character allowance for the answer. Then strip out all punctuation except for commas and periods, making a weasel’s crisp prose read like something a baglady would mumble to herself in her sleep.
But the show-stopper came when I reached Uncle B’s details. UK citizen, born in London, currently living in the UK. Got it, got it. Next page: on what date did he enter the UK? Pretty much on his birthday, you stupid piece of shit. It asks me to prove it and when I hit the little question mark help dealie, it suggests I attach the first page of his passport.
Yeah, I’ll do that. Using magic electron staples that stick to the internet. Jesus.
Fortunately, you don’t have to fill it out in one sitting, because I so had to walk away right about then. If you don’t get it just right on the first try, it can weaken your chances in the future.
We would be willing to pay for professional help, but that’s like writing “chum” on your ass and jumping into the shark tank. When you want to immigrate someplace good, people slither out of the woodwork to tell you they can get you there, they swears…for a small fee.
October 3, 2008 — 2:25 pm
Comments: 76