sweasel.com

Your cat looks cleaner than a Frenchman’s ass…I’m guessing.

What isn’t?

Did you turn those faucets on full blast? I would just to watch him hit the ceiling.

Yeah, cats – they hate the water. Ironic really considering they like fish. And fish don’t grown on trees (outside of the zone of exclusion around Chernobyl NPP). Therefore I put it to you that cats are hypocrites. And if you a) own a bidet and b) own a cat and c) the cat sits in the bidet, then by golly, you should douse that sardonic-looking motherfucker. You’ll be doing it a favour and it’d be a great cure for boredom.

Who can argue with that!

Gibby – I love cats and agree with every thing you said.

Didn’t Nietzsche sat sumpin about “When you look at an arrogant cat an arrogant cat looks back at you – and wants fed.” of some such profound crap?

Not my cat; not my bidet. I just Google image searched “cat bidet” and that’s wot I got.

I love nicking holiday snaps from unsuspecting tourists.

Your cat or not, your bidet or not…. Weez, that’s one fine visual pun.

My first encounter with a bidet was at the tender age of 17, in a hotel in Frankfurt, Germany. I was, as luck would have it, incredibly drunk at the time (the first in a long series of such states), so I tried it out. Being an outie rather than an innie, I think I missed out on some of the benefits, but it was good practice for living in Turkey, where toilets are holes in the ground with a little copper tube with a spigot on it nearby for, um, the ceremonial and invariably ineffective splashing of the undercarriage.

Random Thought: When people talk about Egyptian pharaohs who had their cats buried with them, it never seems to occur to them that the pharaohs may not have been cat-lovers, but rather, incredibly vindictive assholes.

I have cats that like to be combed and cats that have been shaved for surgical purposes and cats that like to go outside in the rain and get wet. My conversation is an endless series of cat declarations.

Being an outie rather than an innie

Heh. I like that.

One of our neighbors up the back hill used to have an ‘outdoor’ cat. Little bastage would always leave assorted dead critters on my front doorstep. One day whilst she sunbathed on our retaining wall, I put a spray nozzle on the hose turned for maximum reach, cranked the water volume, snuck around the back, and let her have it. Never seen a cat jump so high or a look that could kill so quick. Sprayed in her direction again for good measure. She never gifted me again.

PnB,

Bravo. Cats should be entertained. Even at their own expense. Especially at their own expense. Its part of the love/hate dichotomy all true catlovers feel.

McGoo,
If I weren’t so allergic to cats, I would have one and tease it weekly.

PnB – My MoronSense detected that you might be a real catlover deep inside. Cats should be teases unmercifully. But in a loving manner.

Its perfectly OK to hose down your kitty with a garden hose occasionally. A firehose or 55-gallon drum is even better. Its good for them! It…rattles their mellow.

Cats have always been a bit too smug for my taste. That’s why I only have two of them. And they adopted me, so I guess we now know the true quality of their intelligence and discernment, and how very, very little they have to be smug about.

Pathetically little, if you think about it.

That very-real smugness is precisely the reason one should occasionally…correct…a cats worldview.

Huh! You guys are just begging for some pharmaceutical-grade catblogging. Now that I don’t have to worry about being adjudged a little light in the loafers, there really is no reason for restraint.

Well, other than the fact that nothing kills traffic quicker’n adorable cat pictures.

“…nothing kills traffic quicker’n adorable cat pictures.” – Weasel-

Yep. “I can haz cheeseburger” is a perfect example of zero traffic.

I was just funnin’, Weas. You know as well as I do that sometimes ya just gotta trip the li’l fuck, squirt it with water, startle the snot outa it, or shove it off the sofa back. It’s that arrogant, self-assured, confident attitude that cats exude when content that really does it. No creature on earth has the right to be so smugly pleased and content with itself so often. Its unnatural, and a vexation to the spirit.

Ha! I think I Can Has has a slightly different clientele than Weaseltopia. Did I tell you my big brother is a commenter over there? Surprised the heck out of me when I saw his username. Small innernets.

You know, he sounds absolutely normal online. Let that be a warning to ye all!

“…he sounds absolutely normal online….”

Well, we’re certainly in no danger of that.

Well now McGoo, I wouldn’t squirt the little fuckers or knock one off the back of the sofa for no good reason. If it brings me an assortment of dead critters or craps in my kid’s sandbox and then has the gaul to hurl me a dirty look, it gets a hose up the ass. If it walks it’s litter boxed feet on my kitchen counter, it will get flung (not really, but I wouldn’t allow it).

As to it’s unnatural arrogance, it is a ruse. If you wait long enough, it will haughtily run into a wall and act like they planned such a move. They are really wanting to hear your laughter.

And here I always thought they ran into walls by mistake – and were embarrassed about it! They sure look embarrassed – whilst putting on that unconvincing “I meant to do that” act. Hmmm.

The pleasure of cats is that they are perfect exemplars for all the sins of humanity. One gets to see all of the things that make your friends so interesting, in one little furry package

Greed? Check
Vanity? Check
Sloth? Check
Pride? Check
Killer? Check
Torturer? Check
Gluttony? Check
Did I miss any?

They truely are little demons.

The only way to train a cat is to abuse his pride and his dignity.

If either of our cats gets on forbidden place e.g. a counter or tabletop) I walk up to said violator with a glass of water hidden behind my back and, (having dipped my fingers in the water) flick drops of water on his nose.

The shock of this indignity always works to show my dominance as the Big Cat of the House.

Note that the fingertip method works better than the squirt gun. Our cats, at least, were smart enough to learn that without that squirt gun, you ain’t shit.

But the Fingers of Indignity – I carry those all the time. Often, I don’t even have to ‘shoot’ – just wave the gun.

Of course, all this talk is premised on the understanding of the essential truism:

“ You can teach a cat to get down, but you can’t teach him not to get back up”.

Exactly Lokki. You said it much better than my poor attempt. One must learn how to maintain their alpha cat status. Laughter is one. Finger flicks in the house, hose outside the house, is another.

Ditto, PnB. That’s kinda what I was getting at when I asserted that one must regularly disturb a cats’ mellow.

…and, Lokki, I’m gonna remember that “fingers of indignity” phrase. It might come in handy. Heh.

Pff! Y’all aren’t cat owners. You’re dog owners that haven’t made the switch yet.

You can’t dominate cats. They sulk, they harbor resentment and eventually they’ll get their revenge. Usually a lot of little revenges.

I spoil the living bejesus out of my two, and they reward me by never shitting or throwing up or peeing on anything I care about. They never play rough with me, and the mutilated little animals they bring me are meant as a gift. They are two thoroughly nice animals, and all it takes is treating them like gods.

I forgot

Vengeful? Check

On the list.

All very well for you to try to placate them with smoked salmon pate Weasel, but remember THIS truism:

The price of blackmail always goes up

Next they’ll be sleepin on what used to be YOUR bed.
I know. It happened to me.

You got to sleep in the bed, Lokki?!

We had a dogs and cats growing up. I loved the last one we had. Sealpoint siamese, runt of the litter. Beautimus little girl that my mother tormented. Too bad I couldn’t run away and take the cat with me. Contemplated naming my daughter after her.
Nowadays, no kittys. But rodents.

I guess I’m spoiled, but I’ve never had a problem cat. The last one was the best. Good ole Elwood was always in a good mood; too good natured to kill anything; would come inside, but only long enough to eat; all the neighbors loved him; etc. …

except for the son of a bitch that ran over him in the parking lot. I’m guessing that neighbor didn’t like him very much.

Dogs? Even the good ones are a pain in the ass.

I had a friend whose cat was so talented, it managed to throw up into the cassette slot of his boombox.

That’s what happens to people who amuse themselves chasing cats around the house with remote-control racing cars.

“…chasing cats around the house with remote-control racing cars.” -Weasel-

I did not! It was a radio-controlled ball – a rather nice one I bought at Sharper Image and paid double price for. So there! The cat loved it.

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Good lord, what’s this? No links? OBVIOUS spam that doesn’t do anything? Harumph! Things fall apart, the center cannot hold!

I’m not sure how I got to this post. I just clicked something on Stoatie’s home page and here I am.

In any case, re: the CITI mortgage spam and ‘hark my cry’s comment.
It is now November 2011, and I can report that the center DID NOT hold, Sir. It did not hold.

How very odd.

This was the last post in September 2007, so if one clicks the Archive link for that month. . .One must then, of course, click on something on the post to get to the comments.