Stoats in the News!
Uncle B has been giving me hell this week about how stupid and lame my posts have been. And I’m, like, “pff! Dude! Don’t sell me short. I can be a lot stupider and lamer.” Here goes.
Top picture: Christopher Taylor of Word Around the Net sent me the link. Man thought he’d hit a stoat in the road, drove thirty something miles to his home, woke up next morning to find an apparently healthy stoat poking its head out of his grill. I’m guessing that little beast was pissed.
Say what you will about the decline of the once-proud Daily Telegraph (where he found that item) — they run some really fine pictures of cute animals and funny signs from around the world.
Just minutes after Christopher’s link, Bruce sent me this item, intriguingly headlined Family harassed by vengeful weasel.
A man in China trapped a weasel in his yard and released it in the hills and has been plagued by the weasel’s mate ever since.
“It excretes on tables, and even throws dead mice corpses into our home. The scariest thing was when it jumped onto our bed, screaming. It seems to be protesting at me for catching his wife.”
Ah, the old excreting-on-tables ploy. The classics never get old.
The article is complete cock, of course (please to be reading complete cock in Uncle B’s accent. It’s a Britishism that doesn’t sound right in Americanese). Unless Chinese ones are fundamentally different, weasels don’t mate for life or stick together in pairs.
In fact, in an unusual, repulsive and highly successful reproductive strategy, tiny newborn weasels are often impregnated by they weasel-daddies, after which gestation is put “on hold” until the she-weasel is grown and the conditions are favorable. Weasels (but not stoats) are nasty baby-makin’ fools.
The Chinese characters for weasel translate literally as yellow rat wolf. I just happen to know that.
What I don’t know is which blog Bruce writes for. I’ve been staring at my blogroll for twenty minutes, disconsolately poking links and trying to remember.
Yes! That’s the kind of pharmaceutical-grade stupid and lame I have to offer!
August 13, 2009 — 7:46 pm
Comments: 10
I has a virus :_(
No, no…not the pig flu kind. I was browsing Google Images earlier, and I apparently clicked on sumpin’ I shouldn’t’ve. Next thing I know, my screen explodes in a cascade of adorable Japanamations and ladies with ginormous breasteses.
It’s a bad mamajama, this one. It made SuperAntiSpyware run home bawling to its mama. It stole Trend Micro’s lunchmoney. Malwarebytes’ Anti-Malware wouldn’t even come out of its own setup icon when I double clicked it.
Using a combination of Safe Mode and Autoruns by Sysinternals, I’ve managed to wipe two of the bastards (b.exe and msa.exe), but there’s something bad still in there. Every five minutes or so, some damn thing disables Task Manager and Regedit. Every ten, an Explorer window pops up and reaches for the internet. There’s nothing obviously virusy in the process list, so it’s something masquerading as a legit component.
Oh, well. Screw it. It’s Friday night and I have this here Linux rig. It runs hotter’n a firecracker, but it’s clean as a whistle. I have Firefox and Freecell; I am golden.
Have a better weekend than mine, everyone. Let’s hope I get it sorted by Monday…
August 7, 2009 — 7:04 pm
Comments: 37
Dog’s breakfast
Dog’s breakfast: (mainly British, idiomatic) An unappealing mixture; a disorderly situation; a mess.
This post is a dog’s breakfast, not the thing in the picture. That would be a pizzurger: a double Whopper with a slice of pepperoni pizza between the beef patties. Brought to you by the fine folks at This Is Why You’re Fat.
Hell’s yes I’d eat one. Right this minute. No monetary wager required.
So, my RSS feed is down. Any ideas how I fix it? Yes, I realize there’s probably mucho documentationio on the WordPress site, but I’m in the “I’ll sit here with my mouth open and hope a ham sandwich falls into it” school of technical support.
I only vaguely grasp what an RSS feed is and was astonished to learn mine had been working before. Wonder how I did that. Presumably, it were the last WP upgrade what killed it. Thanks to everyone who wrote and told me it’s dead.
And the answer to this question is: lawnmower. I peeled that decal off the deck of my new (old) pushmower prior to treating a couple of rust spots. Not much help, is it? I guess the third icon describes pebbles being kicked out by the blade, but I’m still bereft of clue what the monolith is all about.
It’s American, by the way (trust me to run to the only American-made mower we saw and throw my arms around it). So that there’s probably good old-fashioned Yankee impenetrability.
Good weekend, ever’body!
June 19, 2009 — 6:56 pm
Comments: 13
Visible from space
Here at Stoatiweaselco, we believe in going the extra mile. Giving a little more. Being there for you.
Sure, it took the Sun to break the story, and Drudge to disseminate it around the world. But only sweasel.com searched Google maps, tirelessly explored the neighborhood and ultimately discovered the Surrey rooftop on which some schoolboys years ago spelled out “COCK” in bricks. Just to bring you this URL.
Don’t thank us. It’s what we’re here for.
June 15, 2009 — 7:00 pm
Comments: 13
May 10, 2009 — 8:42 am
Comments: 5
It has come to this…
Yep. Anagrams for Stoaty Weasel. Amusing myself while I cook dinner for Uncle Badger, who is working late.
Or, as I like to think of him, Cleared Bung. Lab Crud Gene. Cleaned Grub. Dance Bugler. Cage Blunder. Bag Clue Nerd. Enlarged Cub. Grenade Club. Gnarled Cube. Crab Nude Leg. Bad Creel Gun. Bald Cur Gene. Bean Curd Gel. Gland Be Ecru.
Oh, come on. It’s fun.
May 7, 2009 — 8:34 pm
Comments: 20
Mmmm…spamtastic!
Aiii! It’s a fiesta! Is everyone else getting a big ol’ extra helping of spam lately? I don’t get much email spam (much to the disgust of Uncle B, who gets LOTS), but I’ve seen a definite uptick lately. And my comment spams are working hard to read like comments. They fail:
terrific site this sweasel.com great to see you have what I am actually looking for here and this this post is exactly what I am interested in. I shall be pleased to become a regular visitor
Eh. No you shan’t. No link in the message; the email address linked to a YouTube video about cheap car insurance.
From Russia with luncheonmeat:
Hello, dear colleagues.
Sori what not absolutely on a site theme sweasel.com I write.
To me it is very strong the script a cursor the auction Internet as on [url=http://redacted.ru/]the Scandinavian auction[/url] http://redacted.ru/ is necessary but that the script was free and it was possible to download!
I wish to open similar the Internet auction with antiques. Give advice please: how to open such the Internet auction?
Yours faithfully, Lena Ilyin.
You can just feel meaning struggling to break through the gibberish, can’t you? “Hi, guys! Sorry to be off-topic, but…”
This guy next decides to hump our collective leg for a moment before he makes his pitch:
Hi Everbody
I just became a member of this forum
Great work by the admin, mods and seriously every member around.
Yesterday I read that there is a treatment for diabetes on http://www.redacted.org
Is this way of curing diabetes mentioned actually true, If so I should have found out earlier! The source looks like a reliable healthcare news websiteCould you someone tell me if this healthcare information is for real?
The weird thing is, I think he’s selling ringtones. At least, that’s where his email address points. What’s the deal with ringtones, anyhow? I understand the lucrative potential of Viagra and replica watches — theoretically — but ringtones?
That’s what this guy is selling, too. I love this one. Which is good, because I’ve gotten it more than once:
Yooo..
I kno it has nothing to do with what you wrote, but have you ever heard of http://www.redacted.info/ringtones.php . They seems to promise free ringtones
PS. Dont be an ass, this is NOT spam 😉
The postscript. It’s adorable. It’s not often I get called an ass with a winky-smiley.
Uncle B has a theory that you can tell your fortune from your spam. Unfortunately, I think his method involves splitting open spammers and examining their entrails.
April 22, 2009 — 7:25 pm
Comments: 30
I’ll take ‘things that blow up in your face’ for 500, Alex
In my own defense, I didn’t think the gas would actually come on unless you held down the ignition button thingie, so I might have been a leeetle careless about, you know, hitting knobs and stuff. So when I lit the burner several minutes later and that giant orange fireball blew out the oven…boy, was my face red. And most of my right arm, also. But, hey — no scars, the stove still works, and I didn’t burn the house down. So win, win really.
Anyhow, it puts me in mind of our latest political scandal over here. Have you guys followed this thing? Righty Britblogger Guido Fawkes (whom I really should blogroll, since I read him) got hold of some emails traded between two Labour operatives. Basically, these guys were sick of blogs beating them up and stealing their lunch money, so they decided to launch an attack blog of their own.
Two problems: one, they were totally making shit up. And two, they actually worked for this government.
As it happens, the blog never got off the ground (for reasons that aren’t clear). But the scandal is sticking to Gordon Brown like you wouldn’t believe. It’s like the Dean Scream, or Clinton’s “meaning of is” — not important in itself, but somehow a perfect crystallization of everything that bothers you about the man.
If you like this kind of stuff (and I love this kind of stuff), you can start here.
April 13, 2009 — 6:11 pm
Comments: 34
This is my job. It’s what I do.
Nothing. Nil. Nada. Bupkis. Sweet fuck-all. I have been a complete and utter waste of human skin since I was rousted out of my nice warm bed by a hammering at the door at the cruelly early hour of one. Pee-em.
Near as I can piece it together, we set fire to the chimney last night. Again. A small fire this time, but apparently scary enough to make me grievously overdrink myself afterwards. Apparently.
Apparently, Uncle B was able to get the sweeps out on an emergency basis. Apparently. Again. That was them hammering on the door. He didn’t hear it because he was in the back of the house doing…I don’t know…his job or something. I’m unclear on this point.
So I answered the door like Mad Madam Mim, with one open eye and my jeans-front wadded up in my fist. I’m becoming heavily dependent on this crazy American woman gambit, you know.
Anyhow, the chimney really shouldn’t have sooted up this fast (our last chimney fire was on January 8). So, we probably need a bigger-diameter chimney lining (>£1K) and/or a new stove (>£1K). Probably both.
We think the old stove was Frankensteined together from pieces and is missing some bits. You might think a stove would be a simple thing with few important constituent elements, but you’d be SO WRONG. Jesus, what’s the matter with you?
It’s supposed to have some fire bricks and the air intake probably isn’t working right, which means our combustibles aren’t completely combusting but are laying down a coating of flammable soot on their way up the chimney.
Or some shit. I don’t know. We’re coming to the end of the heating season, so I refuse to think about it yet.
If you’ll excuse me, I’ve waited patiently for twelve hours for some hair o’ the dog…
March 26, 2009 — 9:02 pm
Comments: 31
Take it away, Glenster…
I had to go into the hospital this evening for a routine diagnostic — no, no. No big. I have a family history of bum kidneys and they like to give ’em a poke now and then. They’re fine, thanks. I saw them myself on ultrasound! They’re totally shaped like black-eyed peas. But now I’m off my shed-yule tonight.
So why not visit Glenster’s site? He makes nice clean MP3’s of vintage big band 78s and he’s put up ten brand spanking new tracks today — all of ’em from the UK!
My very first web site was dedicated to MP3’s of my 78 collection. There’s all kinds of deeply cool software you can get now to depop, dehiss, rebalance and otherwise restore funky old recordings. It’s like magic. It’s like magic that is a hell of a lot of hard work, so I gave up after the first dozen.
Also, if you can’t bear to listen to Teleprompter Jesus — Greatest Orator of Our Age — stumble through somebody else’s words in primetime one more time, why not listen to this guy talk off the top of his head? He’s a Tory MEP (a British conservative member of the European Parliament). Giving a squirming, smirking Gordon Brown a procto exam. With a rusty garden weasel.
That’s what the thing looks like.
March 24, 2009 — 9:01 pm
Comments: 18