Get me! I’m Miss Marple!
This is my big birthday present, though of course I can’t play with it yet. It’s exactly what I wanted. Poor Uncle B was mightily confused when I sent him out to find me the funkiest old Raleigh three-speed touring bike in the county.
“But it’s all rusty, Weasel!” he wailed.
Perfect.
It’s probably one of the last Raleighs built in England (look! They’re pretending “Nottingham” is a real place. Hee hee! Those zany Brits; they never break character). I had a bike just like it years ago, until some toe-rag stole it. I loved that bike. I’ll get this one all cleaned up (did you know a ball of crumpled aluminiumnum foil makes a fabulous chrome de-ruster?) and ride into market every day.
The wicker basket is a nice touch, don’t you think? Now all I need is one of those little bells, so I can go, “chi-ching, chi-ching! Get the fuck out of the fucking road, you stupid fucking limey dick-hole!”
May 7, 2008 — 6:00 am
Comments: 108
Lost: adorable fluffy psychopath
What the heck. Might as well give the little knucklehead his own thread. I’m not panicked yet; it’s been about five days. It’s a record for him, but not for tomcats. Stupid testosterone.
I spent some time yesterday calling around various vets and rescue leagues. In fact, I screwed up my list-making activity and accidentally called Providence Animal Control twice in the space of about ten minutes. I didn’t realize it until the guy on the other end said, “call once a day, please.”
He must’ve thought I was the queen of all crazy cat ladies.
Anyhow, here’s the next great website idea: a lost and found pets registry. I know there’s Craig’s List, but that’s where civilians go to trade information about lost and found pets. Vets and rescue organizations don’t have any reporting mechanism. I know, because I asked them. I had to track down all the likely organizations in Damien’s territory and call them individually.
This could be big. I’m serial. You could entice vets and city organizations to participate by describing it as free advertising, and support it with paid advertising from, like, Petco. Write the occasional goopy cover article about people reunited with beloved mutts or the latest in chipping technology, and there you have it.
I’d do it myself, but I’m moving away. Also, I’m butt lazy.
May 6, 2008 — 8:30 am
Comments: 36
My kung fu is strong
Long time readers may recall that I observe the Birthday Fortnight (working my way up year by year to the Month of Birthday). My actual birthday falls somewhere in the first two weeks of May. In the interests of amoniminty, that is all I shall say. As a first of the birthday tributes, Uncle B bought me a drawing program called Manga Studio 3.
Not to worry, I’m not about to start drawing weasels in teeny tiny sailor suits with eyes the size of dinner plates. It’s just a drawing program that is specially designed for black and white line work, à la comix. It does things like calculate vanishing points and make speed lines and comic panels.
It’s kick-ass fun to play with. If any of you still harbor that old, old desire to be a comic book artist, there’s a 30-day free trial. I can’t work out the difference between the $50 version (which I got) and the $300 version, BUT IF THE MANUFACTURER SENT ME A COPY I’D BE HAPPY TO TEST DRIVE IT AND THEN FLOG THE SHIT OUT OF IT RIGHT HERE ON THIS BLOG.
That’s going to work one of these days. I just know it.
May 5, 2008 — 11:05 am
Comments: 35
Happy birthday to Spam!
Spam turns thirty today! No, not the delicious potted luncheon meat from Hormel. And not me, either — I turn somewhat older a little later in the month (but you get extra points in the It’s All About Me sweepstakes if you remembered that Spam was once my online moniker).
Nope, the very first Usolicited Commercial Email (UCE) was sent thirty years ago today. And here it is:
DIGITAL WILL BE GIVING A PRODUCT PRESENTATION OF THE NEWEST MEMBERS OF THE
DECSYSTEM-20 FAMILY; THE DECSYSTEM-2020, 2020T, 2060, AND 2060T. THE
DECSYSTEM-20 FAMILY OF COMPUTERS HAS EVOLVED FROM THE TENEX OPERATING SYSTEM
AND THE DECSYSTEM-10COMPUTER ARCHITECTURE. BOTH THE DECSYSTEM-2060T
AND 2020T OFFER FULL ARPANET SUPPORT UNDER THE TOPS-20 OPERATING SYSTEM.
THE DECSYSTEM-2060 IS AN UPWARD EXTENSION OF THE CURRENT DECSYSTEM 2040
AND 2050 FAMILY. THE DECSYSTEM-2020 IS A NEW LOW END MEMBER OF THE
DECSYSTEM-20 FAMILY AND FULLY SOFTWARE COMPATIBLE WITH ALL OF THE OTHER
DECSYSTEM-20 MODELS.WE INVITE YOU TO COME SEE THE 2020 AND HEAR ABOUT THE DECSYSTEM-20 FAMILY
AT THE TWO PRODUCT PRESENTATIONS WE WILL BE GIVING IN CALIFORNIA THIS
MONTH. THE LOCATIONS WILL BE:TUESDAY, MAY 9, 1978 – 2 PM
HYATT HOUSE (NEAR THE L.A. AIRPORT)
LOS ANGELES, CATHURSDAY, MAY 11, 1978 – 2 PM
DUNFEY’S ROYAL COACH
SAN MATEO, CA
(4 MILES SOUTH OF S.F. AIRPORT AT BAYSHORE, RT 101 AND RT 92)A 2020 WILL BE THERE FOR YOU TO VIEW. ALSO TERMINALS ON-LINE TO OTHER
DECSYSTEM-20 SYSTEMS THROUGH THE ARPANET. IF YOU ARE UNABLE TO ATTEND,
PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CONTACT THE NEAREST DEC OFFICE
FOR MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THE EXCITING DECSYSTEM-20 FAMILY.
In honor of this exciting anniversary, my email service has shit the bed. Totally. If you’ve tried to email me in the last 24 hours, your message has gone into a big black hole in cyberspace. No bounce message, nothing. It’s all very mysterious.
Anyhoo, I haven’t got time to feex it. The maid comes in an hour, so I have to clean up!
May 3, 2008 — 7:27 am
Comments: 103
It’ll start rolling in any minute now
I’ve forgotten where I was at when this ad popped up. Oh, no…this is not a Photoshop. This is for reals.
My favorite part? AS SEEN ON NATIONAL TV! Because, like, that’s where all us happening cyberchicks and cyberdudes get the skinny on the latest cybernews, daddy-o. It comes with a book called “Blog about This!” that would really come in handy sometimes, only I notice it’s S/H not included. I’m guessing there’s lots and lots of handling involved.
Anyhow, as of this morning, 13% of the total lifetime traffic for sweasel.com has been in the last two days. Criminy. Some day, business majors will give names to patterns of traffic distribution. Allow me to dub a spike exceeding 1,000% the “holy fucking shit!”
It won’t last, of course. I’m mulling schemes for holding on to as many visitors as I can. What do you think of the “I’ll Show You Mine and You Don’t Even Have to Show Me Yours” campaign? Remember, I’m pushing fifty, so mine ain’t what it used to be.
Oops! Gotta go. It’s Friday, and you know what that means:
Corporate America ROCKS!
May 2, 2008 — 8:58 am
Comments: 36
This is what one of them looks like
Everybody alright? Check to make sure, did your buddy make it through okay? Right!
I’ll probably never top this Ace-o-lanche, on account of New Comments Thingie went down just after Ace teased the link, so the morons were stuck with nothing to do and a big fat mystery link staring them in their slack moonfaces. Morons abhor a mystery.
And the reason they call it a ‘lanche, once Ace hit it, the Grapevine picked it up, and the Rottweiler and…lots of other folks I’ll have to pick out of my logs and followup. And I’ll do it, too, just in case somebody somewhere said something halfway nice about me.
The peak was probably a couple of hours later (that’s usage by hour up there), but I was down in the basement with a big glass of vodka and a crooked little smile.
Thanks for dropping by, y’all. You’ve made an attention whore very happy.
May 1, 2008 — 7:28 am
Comments: 24
Brother, can you spare a quatloo?
Anyhoo, Stash adopted a couple of little girls, and now he finds out his first lawyer didn’t get the paperwork quite right, and it’s all come back to bite him in the ass in a Big and Very Scary Way. Legally, emotionally and…<cough> financially.
Go over and hit his Amazon hoozit, if you can spare a few quatloos (good on DPUD for helping him figure some of this stuff out).
He’ll be AFK for a while, working it out, but a supportive message is
always welcome, too.
Carry on!
April 28, 2008 — 6:21 pm
Comments: 21
Good morning! Share my dog’s breakfast?
I like my real estate agent. I mean, she’s a real estate agent, so she’s a loathsome reptile, but she speaks in an amusing, roundabout code. Like, when she first hooked me up with a handyman, she said, “you’ll like Mortimer. He’s a wonderful, wonderful man. He’s got the chiseled features and almost gray skin tone of some African chieftan.”
Translation: okay, don’t panic. He’s an old black guy, but you can totally trust him.
So instead of telling me right out not to get my hopes up, she said, “it’ll be lovely and cool down here in the basement this Summer. The market dies out completely in August, so we have to make sure we’re ready to go for the Fall market.”
Got it. Making self comfortable.
Speaking of language, I am so going to start calling McGoo Goo Boy. I owe him. Thanks to him, Uncle B calls me Weas now. Weas! Before that, he called me “Weasel” or “Auntie” or, way back, “Spam.” Dignified. Stately.
Yeah, can you believe I had the nickname “Spam” before the internet was a gleam in Al Gore’s eye? I’ve forgotten why. I had to drop it. My first internet addresses were spam@whatever.com, which was okay for years. Then I started getting angry emails that went, “I’m writing to report a disgusting message that came from your server…”
I’d write back, “Look, I’m not really the spam reporting address for this ISP. I’m just some woman whose nickname is ‘Spam.'”
Until I got this one lady who decided to argue with me about it. Like, “don’t you try to wriggle out of this! I don’t want to see any more emails in my inbox with the word ‘penis’ in them. I mean it!”
I hope things worked out for that lady. I bet she knows a lot more words for “penis” these days.
Welp, gotta go. Friday is pancake day at the company cafeteria. I love pancake day, because they left a crucial comma off the menu: “blueberry pancakes with whipped butter bacon.”
Mmmmm…whipped butter bacon! Can I have mine with lard?
April 25, 2008 — 7:49 am
Comments: 47
Happy Warman Wednesday — go buy a book from Mark Steyn
Today only, buy a copy of America Alone and Mark Steyn will donate his share to the defense of the Freedom Five (Ezra Levant, Kate McMillan, Kathy Shaidle and Mark and Connie at Free Dominion).
Yeah, you know the story — five Canadian bloggers are being sued by this lying shit-weasel (begging my own pardon), Richard Warman. He’s a former member of the Canadian ‘Human Rights’ Kangaroo Court who left the Commission and has since made tens of thousands suing fellow Canucks before the same Commission. He never loses.
Let’s make this the exception. Let’s make this fascist asshat rue the day — rue, I say! — he took on the chittering hordes of the blogosphere.
See, the state picks up the tab for the complainant, but the defendant has to pay his own way, so they really are hurting. Read up on the case. It’ll make you so mad, pudding will shoot out of your nose.
Tapioca pudding!
April 23, 2008 — 9:35 am
Comments: 30
Happy Earth Day!
April 19, 2008 — 10:17 am
Comments: 28