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Saying g’bye to the Boobs

boob chair

This here is my favorite object in the whole wide world. We call it the Boob Chair. Or simply The Boobs. My prissy grampa never admitted his favorite armchair had tits, so we’re compensating.

He found it rotting away in a barn somewhere in East Tennessee, bought it and had it re-upholstered in a deep green velvet. It’s a huge great throne of a thing and I love it dearly. I have always loved it.

But it was not to be mine. I was a younger cousin and all the best stuff had been divvied up before I was even born. The Boobs, I have known all my life, were supposed pass directly from my grandmother to my cousin in Alabama.

So great was my lust for this object, when the truck from home arrived with my furniture and The Boobs was on it, I asked no questions. Even though my cousin in Alabama is pretty much my favorite relative and she loves it at least as much as I do. Even though I was quite sure it came to me by way of some ugly Machiavellian blood feud of the aunties.

Still, I guess I should’ve known I wasn’t wicked enough to ship The Boobs three thousand miles across the ocean, further away from the aforementioned Cousin in Alabama. No matter how assiduously I pursue pure evildoing, I do occasionally let me down. Anyway, how can I invite her over to rub her nose in my 16th Century farmhouse with The Boob Matter unresolved between us?

So UPS is coming to take The Boobs away. My preciousssssss. My precious Booobiessssss. gollum


Comment from porknbean
Time: March 27, 2008, 5:45 pm

Awww…that really sucks weasel. That’s a nice looking chair, from what little you deigned to show us. Too bad you get along with your cousin otherwise I would have asked if you were damned nuts for returning it.

So, how long have you enjoyed it and do you really plan on letting the cousin visit mustelid manor?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 27, 2008, 5:50 pm

Twenty years, and she’s coming over in September. A long shot, but the light wasn’t good this afternoon so the focus isn’t, either:


Comment from porknbean
Time: March 27, 2008, 6:15 pm

Ohhhhh….it’s loverly! *drooling here*
Thank you for posting the full shot.
They certainly don’t make interesting furniture the way they used to.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 27, 2008, 6:15 pm

Wow. I’ve already gotten a Google hit on “boobs.”

Comment from Gibby Haynes
Time: March 27, 2008, 6:19 pm

Nice chair. I notice it’s plugged into the wall there. Does it run on batteries too?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 27, 2008, 6:38 pm

Never trust a piece of furniture that doesn’t go zzzZZZzzz when you hit the switch.

Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 27, 2008, 7:03 pm


Comment from Pupster
Time: March 27, 2008, 7:29 pm

You kept it for 20 years, and you like the cousin? Wow. Remind me to never piss you off.

That is a pretty awesome heirloom. It would look really good on a raised pedestal with minions cowering at its clawed feet.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 27, 2008, 7:37 pm

She didn’t bring it up, Pups. We take our shabby gentility seriously, where I come from.

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: March 27, 2008, 7:41 pm

Don’t put ideas in Her mind, please Pupster!

Comment from pajama momma
Time: March 27, 2008, 8:48 pm

That chair is totally wicked.

Comment from porknbean
Time: March 27, 2008, 10:54 pm

Heh. Whats the matter Uncle B.? Afraid weasel’s cousin will let her have it as a going away present and you will have to put it up on a dais, with you forever relegated to painting her back pawnails as she sits upon her throne?

*sigh* I wish I had a chair like that for my library.

Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 27, 2008, 11:15 pm

Some things are so ugly they’re irresistible.

Me, for example.

Although to be honest, as the years go by, women seem to find me increasingly resistible. I wish it worked that way with cats.

Comment from Lemur King
Time: March 27, 2008, 11:32 pm

Yep, it is a shame, because they just don’t make furniture like that any more – with rockin’ tits. Now, you got IKEA, the very latest in ubiquitousness, which is fine for what it is, but IKEA doesn’t shout “master craftsman” like this does.

It’s one of those instinctive things that’s going on in the back of my head, too… you look at her (uh, them) and think that if they came to life, there just wouldn’t be any silicone involved – just the real deal.

Per’aps you and your cuz could come up with a swap arrangement – every 3-4 years you switch boobs. Just a thought.

Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 27, 2008, 11:35 pm

That might be okay, but maybe Uncle Badger doesn’t want to stay with Her Stoatiness’s cousin for four years.


Comment from jwpaine
Time: March 27, 2008, 11:36 pm

Thanks! I’m here all week!

Comment from porknbean
Time: March 28, 2008, 1:59 am

I look at her and wonder which goddess she is supposed to be….Diana, goddess of hunting or Minerva, goddess of war/invention/arts and crafts? I’ll go with Minerva since ‘her stoatiness’ is a talented art fart.
You sure you wanna let Brown take it?

Yes, LK, you can’t find craftsmanship like that anymore/anywhere. Most stuff in furniture stores are boring blocks of blah. We need new furniture but I can never find anything I like. Time to shop in old barns I guess.

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: March 28, 2008, 5:42 am

You know, that’s something her Ladyship and I have often said, porknbean. When you look at the absurd price of modern furniture, particularly when you consider it’s made out of orangebox wood, foam and staples, then at the price for which you can buy secondhand, quality furniture, you’d have to be nuts to buy the contemporary stuff!

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 28, 2008, 7:12 am

He only calls me “her Ladyship” in here. When we’re alone it’s “stupid bloody weasel.”

I’ve always assumed they were winged victories.

Next time you’re at the Smithsonian, don’t miss visiting the Castle. Unless they’ve changed it since the days I made an annual pilgrimage to DC, the Castle still contains most the 1876 Philadelphia Exhibition. Some of the furniture in there contains perfectly astonishing woodwork and silverwork. Late Victorian really was the height of craftsmanship in so many arts.

Tennessee’s contribution was a glass case full of pieces of wood and coon skins. Proud doesn’t fully cover it.

Comment from bmac
Time: March 28, 2008, 10:26 am

You’re letting UPS take that wonderful thing?
Take a lot of pictures, you may not see it in one piece again.

*edit feature rocks!*

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 28, 2008, 10:32 am

My cousin’s choice. She’s paying for the shipping, so…what can I say? A righteous weasel would pay for the shipping, too. I am not that weasel. I am a poor weasel with money pouring out of every orifice facing an uncertain financial future that includes selling a house in the worst housing market in, like, ever.

I have only so much virtue in me.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 28, 2008, 12:16 pm

NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO! They just came and took my boobs away!!!!

Shit, that was quick. I had to run out at lunch and open the door for them. It was just two old dudes in a pickup. I hope my cousin didn’t send Burglar Bill’s Furniture Theft Ring around to my house.

Comment from Muslihoon
Time: March 28, 2008, 12:20 pm

They just came and took my boobs away!!!!

I’m sure there’s a very disappointed Badger in UK right now.

Comment from porknbean
Time: March 28, 2008, 2:35 pm

It would be a horrible thing if those old dudes damaged it or lost it or said they lost it but stole it.

Comment from Lemur King
Time: March 28, 2008, 8:16 pm

Harsh, real harsh. On a Friday, no less.

Was it the quick sting of a ripped-off bandaid or was it the “Hi, I’m turpentine and I’m going to hang around in your open cut for a while until you hack your limb off”?

Hopefully there are other boobs in the sea.

Gee, somehow that rancid old bit of wisdom falls flat in this context, doesn’t it? Boobs just don’t substitute for fish – what a mystery. Anyway, have a better one, eh?

Comment from Lemur King
Time: March 28, 2008, 8:21 pm

Oh crud, I forgot to add my comment to porknbean. It’s not just furniture that lacks flair anymore – it’s bridges, buildings, signs, condoms, gummi-bears… you name it. Nothing has that old-fashioned flair anymore. Give me Jules Verne designs any day. They say that SteamPunk is passe… FEH! BLAH, I say!

I suggested to my project manager yesterday that I try to insert some Victorian style elements into my design. You’d have thought I suggested we dip kittens in muriatic acid. “Victorian elements have no place in aerospace components”. Jeez, lighten up, dude.

Pingback from Where has all the style gone? « Lemur King’s Folly
Time: March 28, 2008, 9:49 pm

[…] has all the style gone? Spurred by Stoaty’s post in The Weasel Times and Stoat Intelligencer I had to wonder… WHY do we not have more grace in our furniture, buildings, bridges, condoms, […]

Comment from porknbean
Time: March 28, 2008, 11:33 pm

Wasn’t the making of art to ugly a commie goal? They have succeeded.

Comment from Lemur King
Time: March 28, 2008, 11:54 pm

Humor me and give me a short history lesson? What period of history and who? (art to ugly being a goal) Really. I’m serious. I can agree to the success but I didn’t know there was an agenda to that effect. How sick is that, eh?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 29, 2008, 6:23 am

If you asked Uncle B, I’m guessing he would peg the decline to Bauhaus. He’s got a serious hate-on for Bauhaus. He’s not wrong.

It’s really striking when you see old machinery — particularly 18th C, I’m thinkinging — that even the innards, which no-one is ever reasonably expected to see, are elaborately engraved and curliqued. Now that we have construction methods and machinery that make elaborate design a lot easier, we dive for the plainest design.

Comment from Anonymous
Time: March 29, 2008, 6:41 am

Ya pinged a favorite bitch of mine, Weaz. Why did we stop making scientific equipment pretty? Go look at Edison’s stuff (on the tail-end of the artsy era) or Faraday, Newton, Galileo, Maxwell, Gauss, &etc. Their shit is all pretty. Scientific instruments looked like fine furniture.

This is McGoo on the damned laptop! Anonymous, my hind rectum!

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: March 29, 2008, 6:54 am

Filled in the form – again.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 29, 2008, 7:06 am

You should be able to edit your name and all doing a post edit. The docs said you could. Can you not?

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: March 29, 2008, 8:23 am

Hi Lemur King – you might find the following interesting.


I wouldn’t say I agree with the author entirely, but I think he’s on the right lines. Gramsci’s filthy little fingers are in there, too.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: March 29, 2008, 8:45 am

Sorry – I went away. I didn’t try editing my name, etc. I’ll try it next time – and there will be a next time. I foresee many screwups in my immediate future. Be afraid. kbai

Comment from Lemur King
Time: March 29, 2008, 4:08 pm

Why thanks Uncle Badger! It sounds like a bit of serious thinking went into it w/o going down the road of self-absorbed mental masturbation. Oops, can we say that word in a blog? Well, the author didn’t go *too* far down the road, anyway. Depends on the beholder. I’ll re-read it when I’ve had time to ponder on it.

Yes, McGoo and Weaz, you have hit on exactly what I hate about modern design function trumps form every time. And yes, I just looked up Bauhaus and shuddered. Brrrr.

Just once I’d like to design a photodetector housing shaped like a rose, or a flexure mirror mount supported/adjusted by Atlas, or even something so simple as victorian arches in the corner of lightweighted framework.

McGoo pointed out another thing. Take the time to make a pilgrimage to Detroit, to the Henry Ford Museum/Village. Go to the village side and see Edison’s actual lab. I would have spent hours in there but I had a two year old that was bouncing off the walls. The price of admission is worth every penny, esp. since you can see the Wright Brothers’ shop. Oh yeah… ohhhh yeah… crap, I’m geeking out… so sorry.

Comment from Mike
Time: March 31, 2008, 1:03 pm

“My preciousssssss. My precious Booobiessssss. gollum”

If I only had a nickel for every time I…no, I can’t do it.

“NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO! They just came and took my boobs away!!!!”

If I only had a nickel for every time I…no, I can’t do it. Even I can’t countenance making a joke that awful. I’m sure my forebearance is much appreciated here. No, no need to thank me. Really.

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: March 31, 2008, 1:16 pm

I keep wanting to say, “They took your boobs – but you got a new box!”, but good taste and the fear of being Weasel-banned inhibits me. The Ban-Hammer is out all over the place recently.

I expect that my “good taste” assertion should cause much guffawing.

Comment from Muslihoon
Time: March 31, 2008, 1:20 pm

The Ban-Hammer is out all over the place recently.

Funny thing is…I don’t even know how to ban someone. Not that I need to, seeing as my blog has no visability. I don’t even get all that much spam anymore.

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: March 31, 2008, 1:37 pm

I’m not sure how to ban someone, either. I’m not sure you can at an unregistered site. You could block an IP, I think, but that’s easy to circumvent. In general, I think banning people is asking for a world of heartache.

On the other hand, saying you would never, ever, ever ban anyone is asking for trouble, too. I know. I once broke the nerve of someone who said that. It took several months, but I managed to make myself sufficiently annoying. I did it without profanity or anything.

Not like my usual blogging. So far, I’m the moronosphere champeen of the Cuss-O-Meter:

The Blog-O-Cuss Meter - Do you cuss a lot in your blog or website?
Created by OnePlusYou – Free Online Dating

Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: March 31, 2008, 2:07 pm

Say! That’s a pretty good cuss-level, Weaz. Bravo.

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