Procedural question. Or, let’s talk dick!
Okay, before we kick off Round 47 of the Dead Pool, I gotta tell you: I’m about six dicks behind mailing them out.
Dick is cheap. Packaging them up properly and sending them, colossal pain in the nethers. Turns out, spotted dick is now widely available in the US (including Aunty’s, in some places), making my little dick joke addiction rather pointlessly expensive. Also, the Post Office tells me shipping time alone for freight is, like, 70 days, going the cheap route. Yuck. Outdated dick.
In the end, most people seem to enjoy the little sketches I put in the envelope more than the dick. Spotted dick is, I have to admit it, not a taste sensation poised to sweep the planet.
So, time to discuss alternatives. But before we do: it is very, very important to me that the prize is something pretty good. See, I don’t get to play the Dead Pool (duh), so the pleasure for me is believing the winner is genuinely tickled to win and looking forward to something fun in the mail. So none of this “winning is its own reward” shit, m’kay?
Okay, well, it could be just a sketch (see sample). I feel a little squidgy about that. Giving away artwork is what cheap-ass artists do to their friends instead of buying proper gifts. It always makes me feel funny, like mama pinning my pitcher on the fridge and telling me I’m the bestest artist in the whole world. (My actual mother never did that, but I’ve seen it on television).
Or it could be a coin from my awesome collection. I used to buy old circulated coins by the pound, so I have thousands of not valuable but insanely cool coins from all over the world. Boxes of the suckers. I used to give them away freely, so that’s not an issue.
Or…I dunno. It’s always fun to read foreign newspapers and magazines. Britain has some terrific rags of the “My Cheap Breast Implant Exploded in the Cereal Aisle of the Supermarket!” variety. I love those things.
What do you say? What would gladden your shriveled conservative heart? What would you love to think was in the mail and headed your way?
Okay, New Dead Pool. Tomorrow, 6WBT. And I’m still going to call it Winning the Dick, okay? I can’t give up my dick jokes. It’ll be a…metaphor. And only the cool kids will get it, a’ight?