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It does what now?

Late Saturday night, I’m sitting up in bed reading and Uncle B decides he has a hankering for toast. As you do. Five minutes later — BANG! — the whole house goes dark.

Fortunately for me, I was reading my Android, so I crept downstairs by its friendly glow (take that, stupid old paper books that are not actually on fire). While he fiddled with the fuse box, I shone a flashlight down into the toaster and…

slugs. Two slugs. Our emeffing toaster was full of emeffing slugs. Shorted the emeffer out with their emeffing wet bodies.

After struggling with ourselves all weekend, we’ve come to the conclusion the toaster has to go. No matter what we do to to it, we will never pop a couple slices of cheaploaf in there without thinking slugs. Toasty slugs. Crispy on the outside, chewy on the inside. Oh, dear god, it’s so disgusting.

So, toaster shopping. Meet the Tefal Tt552842 Toast N Bean. While it toasts your toasteses, it heats beans in that little cup on the side there.

Beans, like those runny orange Heinz baked beans you remember from church picnics. Brits think that shit is breakfast food. On toast. There’s also a knob around back that lets you listen to cricket and a linguistic setting that forces you to say “petrol” and “toMAHto.”

We aren’t getting this one.


Comment from Mrs Compton
Time: June 9, 2014, 9:08 pm

Slugs? Like the slimey things?

Comment from Davem123
Time: June 9, 2014, 10:00 pm

But how can you resist something with “Bean / egg function, toast function, bean / egg and toast function”?

Slugs in the toaster. In France that’s a delicacy, right?

Comment from Skandia Recluse
Time: June 9, 2014, 10:06 pm

I love this place.

Comment from Anonymous
Time: June 9, 2014, 10:24 pm

“…the Tefal Toast N Bean creates a nutritional and delicious dish in a flash that will give any day the perfect boost.” says Amazon.

When I read this ‘flash and boost stuff’, I keep thinking “controlled bean-gas explosion”.

Seriously, British cuisine mystifies me. I was on a cruise recently, and while I was waiting in line for custom prepared Eggs Benedict with smoked salmon, all the Brits were queueing up for beans on toast. They seemed quite nice, and generally intelligent besides that (and their odd habit of walking down the wrong side of hallways).

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 9, 2014, 10:26 pm

Yeah, Tefal also offers a Toast N Egg model that poaches one, which I was tempted by. But the user feedback says the cup gets icky and the egg sticks, so…meh. I always look at appliances and think, “how hard would it be to clean?” Not because I am tidy, but because I am untidy.

Yes, Mrs C. The slimey snails-without-shells. Lordy, they get some big ones here and we’re having a bumper year for them. It was a warm, wet Winter and everybody is complaining. We get up in the morning and there are slime trails all across the living room rug and the kitchen surface.

I’ve just taken everything off the counter, disinfected it and put it back again — with a little line of salt around the edges in case our friends come back.

Comment from p2
Time: June 9, 2014, 10:37 pm

That thing rocks!!! Brit cuisine is by no means fantastic, but they do come up with some grear tools. Like the teasmade….a clock that lights up, alarms, AND makes tea for you… I miss my automatic kettle too…

Comment from Stark Dickflüssig
Time: June 9, 2014, 10:49 pm

I’m holding out for the model that catches & grills squirrels for me.

Comment from Deborah
Time: June 9, 2014, 11:19 pm

Poor Uncle Badger. Electrocuted slugs instead of toast—that’ll ruin your appetite. I bet the chickens are enjoying them though.

Comment from QuasiModo
Time: June 10, 2014, 12:18 am

It’s hard to find a toaster that does it just right…we used to have this British-made Russell-Hobbes toaster that was the cat’s meow…gave up the ghost though and couldn’t find anothet one locally.

Comment from David Gillies
Time: June 10, 2014, 1:32 am

Nothing wrong with beans on toast. A knob of butter and a dash of Lea & Perrins over the top and you’re good to go. More of a lunchtime thing than breakfast, though.

My favourite way of doing toast is in a panini press. One day I will break down and buy one, but a good one is $90. A toaster is $20.

Comment from Stark Dickflüssig
Time: June 10, 2014, 2:12 am

A cast iron skillet makes good toast. & if you can’t afford a panini grill, a brick wrapped in foil & a cast iron skillet works better anyways.

Comment from mojo
Time: June 10, 2014, 3:15 am

Beats kippers.

Comment from Rich Rostrom
Time: June 10, 2014, 3:40 am

At least you don’t have to worry about setting your trousers on fire and messing up your leg.

Comment from Subotai Bahadur
Time: June 10, 2014, 4:40 am

Mrs. SB recommends putting a pie pan of beer on the counter, with jury-rigged ramps so the little buggers can get to it. Beer draws slugs and snails. They fall in and drown happy. We do this in the flower garden when we have bad snail years, digging an indentation in the ground so the lip of the pan is level with the ground, eliminating the need for ramps.

I admit to being more than passing fond of the “full English/Scottish/Irish” breakfast which includes beans as a component. But the black and white sausages are the big draw for me.

mojo: Kippers are tasty. Although I admit that I am also fond of things like kimchee and fermented tofu. Y’all know you are having a hearty breakfast if kippers are included. 😉

Comment from Paula Douglas
Time: June 10, 2014, 5:12 am

I’m not saying that your toaster slugs trump my garage tarantula. Because they don’t. But slugs in an appliance are disgusting in their very own way.

Comment from Bob Mulroy
Time: June 10, 2014, 6:16 am

I’m in the market for a new toaster. If it processed coffee beans, I might take a stab at it

Comment from Mike C.
Time: June 10, 2014, 8:53 am

“Euro design” – half the functionality at twice the price. But it looks cool!

Comment from Lipstick
Time: June 10, 2014, 10:03 am

Slugs in the toaster. I am forever scarred. eeeeewwwww!

*side-eyes perfectly normal and likely innocent toaster*

You know, I’ve never actually looked down into the thing with a flashlight.

Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: June 10, 2014, 10:45 am

You see that’s French idea of British breakfasts, Tefal being of a Gallic persuasion.

What I would like (and what a proper Brit would have designed) would have been a toaster that also cooked you devilled kidneys.

No, really.

Comment from SCOTTtheBADGER
Time: June 10, 2014, 10:53 am

I wonder how they came to be in the toaster to begin with? In cool weather, I make home made beef stew. That dual purpose bean cooker/toaster looks like it would be perfect to warm up a bowl, and make an English Muffin to go with it!

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 10, 2014, 11:49 am

We got the Russell-Hobbes model, Quasi. It had the best user feedback. Came this morning (bless you, Amazon — I kind of hate myself for shopping there, but why would you not?). I haven’t fired it up yet, though.

I’m ashamed to say we find slugs in the kitchen all the time. I was really embarrassed until our next door neighbor mentioned that she gets them, too — and her house is at least 300 years newer than ours.

Comment from Nina
Time: June 10, 2014, 12:44 pm

It’s just breakfast time on this side of the planet and I’m here to say that I will NOT be having toast.

I’ve been lusting after one o’ them egg mc muffin things, though. Think amazon could get it here by the time I get my carcass out of bed?

Comment from Wolfus Aurelius
Time: June 10, 2014, 1:53 pm

Subotai, I wonder if that beer on the counter thing would work for roaches . . .? Idle question, as I haven’t seen any in my apartment for a year or more. The trick, I think, is the boric acid powder I sprinkled everywhere after the exterminator visited. Diatomaceous earth works for that too.

Any big roaches who make it inside, I suspect, become playthings/snacks for my cats.

Comment from Can\’t Hark My Cry
Time: June 10, 2014, 2:29 pm

David Gillies, you might consider a stovetop/campfire cast iron panini press: http://www.pieiron.com/aboutpanini.htm I have most of the Rome pie irons, and find them excellent for making pressed sandwiches (and waffles, using the latest addition to my collection); never tried any of them for toast.

It’ll run you about $25 plus shipping (assuming you can find someone who ships to where you are, of course).

Comment from Tibby
Time: June 10, 2014, 3:01 pm

Why? Why would slugs possibly want to get into the toaster? I’ll never be able to toast again with out checking for slugs.

Comment from Mojo
Time: June 10, 2014, 3:08 pm

We’re there slime trails? What was the point of entry?

Obsessive individuals want to know.

Comment from ed
Time: June 10, 2014, 3:10 pm

Use crushed eggshell (with the inner membrane removed) and use it as a barrier against slugs. The sharp edges will cause the slugs to slice themselves to death.

Comment from Mr. Dave
Time: June 10, 2014, 5:03 pm

Beans am good for breakfast. Smear some on the tortilla before the chorizo con huevos.

Comment from Mr. Dave
Time: June 10, 2014, 5:07 pm

Hmmm, Ed’s suggestion of egg shell razor wire makes me wonder if diatomaceous earth would work like it does on roaches.

Comment from Nieta de Bob
Time: June 10, 2014, 5:14 pm

I am sure that Himself would love to have that toaster. He loves him some beans on toast.

Comment from drew458
Time: June 10, 2014, 7:11 pm

I looked closely, and I can’t see any difference at all between the Toast ‘n Bean and the Toast ‘n Egg, besides the £15.25 price difference. Oh, gosh, they also include a plastic measuring cup. Rip off.

The R-H toasters look real nice. They’ve got a 1950s retro one in wow-wow red that might be too painful to look at first thing in the AM, but can it toast?

Comment from tomfrompv
Time: June 10, 2014, 7:28 pm

So, if slugs will crawl into the kitchen appliances, why won’t they go into bathrooms where there is moisture. Check your toothbrushes for slime yet? The shower floor? Inside the drains? Under the seat?

Comment from S. Weasel
Time: June 10, 2014, 9:06 pm

The come under our front door and we find them in the livingroom. Also, they come in the kitchen. Evidence suggest they’re crawling up behind the cabinets in the kitchen. I think they can get in our inglenook somehow; we find slime trails all over the hearthrug some mornings.

In most cases, they seem to be headed for the animal food. The cat bowls. The stash of chicken pellets in the hall.

Comment from Pupster
Time: June 10, 2014, 10:48 pm

I had one of those egg making toasters once…it did not work very well. Cool concept though.

Comment from QuasiModo
Time: June 10, 2014, 10:48 pm

Good luck with your new Russell-Hobbes, S. Weasel…may it make perfect toast and stay slug free for a long time!

We have to clear the crumbs out of the little tray in the bottom of ours, before it catches fire :+)

Comment from J.S.Bridges
Time: June 11, 2014, 2:36 am

We aren’t getting this one.

Bit of a relief, that…

First ran onto that “beans-on-toast-for-brekkie” British-ism in person while on a trip to Africa nearly 15 years ago; had read previously about the traditional “Full English Breakfast”, especially in accounts involving pre-WW II passenger-liner menus, but we found that in some of the tourist/safari venues in Africa, that whole kippers-and-fried-poTAHtoes-and-beans-on-toast thing still takes Pride Of Place at breakfast-time.

I was really o.k. with the ‘taters and the kippers – but drew the line on the beans thing; sorry, the only thing I want on my breakfast toast is a bit of strawberry jam or maybe some nice apple butter – no beans, thenkewveddymuch, ‘ol chappie…

BTW: I can also attest to that beer-in-a-pie-pan trap for slugs being quite effective – it was the only useful remedy that allowed me to grow melons, pumpkins and (other) squash to full maturity in our garden back when we were living on two+ acres in semi-rural MI in the ’90s. If your cats will leave it alone, about 1/4″ to 1/2″ in a metal pie-pan is more than enough; use the cheapest beer you can get, the slugs don’t care about the quality nor do they appear to mind it going flat. Set out at night, dump and rinse out next morning – if you get up in the night and have set the trap on the floor, of course, you will want to avoid it, not nice to stumble over/into.

Just a suggestion, but – perhaps plastic-bagging up the toaster between usages would prevent any possible repeat incidents of slug-toastage? I found that quite effective when we lived in FL for awhile, as a means of avoiding incursions by “palmetto bugs” (aka: the all-too-common Mexican Brown cockroach, a truly filthy thing to find in ones cooking appliances of any sort).

Comment from tomfrompv
Time: June 11, 2014, 3:01 am

I’m trying to envision the “vector” for these slugs. Thru the wall, up behind the cabinet, and voila! – the toaster. Yikes! Demon slugs.

Inglenook. One doesn’t find those things in construction here!

Comment from SCOTTtheBADGER
Time: June 11, 2014, 9:00 am

Could you have a chicken make a daily slug sweep? or don’t chickens eat slugs?

Comment from Christopher Taylor
Time: June 12, 2014, 2:46 am

Ducks love slugs not sure about chickens

Comment from Sigivald
Time: June 12, 2014, 6:39 pm

I like baked beans. I like them on bread (ideally, cooked with sliced hot dogs).

I just don’t think they’re an ideal breakfast.

Fortunately I’m not British, so I don’t have to.

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