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Ya, you betcha!

heinz ketchup packet

In the Summer before the 2004 presidential election, Jon Stewart interviewed John Kerry and asked him ”Is it true that every time I use ketchup your wife gets a nickel?” Do you remember this? Remember his answer?

“Would that it were, would that it were” Kerry intoned, squeezing the four syllables out his nose in a lugubrious patrician drawl. Any normal person would have chirped, “I wish!” but no…John Kerry had to go all Thurston Howell III up in there.

I still have a bug up my ass about this. Christopher Buckley. Heather McDonald. Peggy Noonan. These avowed conservatives have embraced Obama and/or rejected Palin simply because he’s a “would that it were” kind of guy and she’s a definite “I wish!” kind of gal.

And the problem with that is that “would that it were” is stupid. It isn’t clever. It’s not le mot just. It conveys the exact same sentiment as “I wish!” but not as crisply. It’s the kind of empty gasbaggery that regularly leaks out of a second-rate intellect that has been dragged through a first-class education.

It’s dumb. And YOU’RE dumb if you get so hung up on accent you miss the underlying ideas.

Every day of the week, chatty Joe Biden utters a thing so shockingly stupid it makes milk come out of Dan Quayle’s nose. Barack Obama says “pie” fifteen times in 104 seconds and it’s like he just yanked Excalibur out of a rock. The governor of Alaska says “doggone it” and she’s a moron. The verdict of dimwits.

You know what I really hate about our elites? YOU GUYS ARE NOT ELITE. You’re ruthlessly average. You’re second-raters who went to good schools, and you know it. You’re desperately insecure about your gifts and social position or you wouldn’t use big words when little ones suffice or yowl like scalded cats when a lady with a Western twang gets a seat at the head of your table.

Feh. I went to prep school too, my fellow assholes. Alma mater is no guarantor of smarts or ability. Or success.

Would that it were, would that it were.

sock it to me

Comments


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 17, 2008, 10:34 am

Peggy Noonan’s complaint is that, after seven weeks on the campaign trail, she still doesn’t know all that much about Palin’s philosophy. Yeah, Peggy — that’s because Sarah’s not the nominee. The VP isn’t supposed to promote her own philosophy. She’s the second; her job is to promote the nominee’s philosophy. And John McCain is probably the least Republican Republican we’ve ever run, so what’s she supposed to do?

In every case we get a sense of Sarah’s underlying differences with her boss (drilling in ANWR is the biggest), she’s right and he’s wrong. But she’s not supposed to let that shit sneak out, okay?

Jesus. The stupidity of clever people never ceases to rankle.

 


Comment from apotheosis
Time: October 17, 2008, 10:34 am

Every day of the week, chatty Joe Biden utters a thing so shockingly stupid it makes milk come out of Dan Quayle’s nose.

And Dan doesn’t even drink milk. Now that’s some hardcore stupid.

I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I’m sorry. I can’t go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me.

Like, THAT stupid.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 17, 2008, 10:36 am

At least you know how I got to the Museum of Condiments yesterday.

Incidentally, I’ve always loved the idea that John “Snooty McSnooterson” Kerry’s lavish lifestyle was funded by ketchup. Lowly, declassé ketchup. Everytime I see somebody slather that shit on scrambled eggs I think, “oh, yeah. That’s the stuff.”

 


Comment from wendyworn
Time: October 17, 2008, 10:51 am

Actually, I think the term ketchup is the high class version. The low class version being catsup.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 17, 2008, 11:02 am

I was kind of thinking it was the other way around, Wendy. But I’m not a consumer of ketchup. It tastes okay, I just find it utterly overwhelms the flavor of whatever you put it on.

The exception being, if you catch yourself with a bunch of shrimp and no cocktail sauce (and who doesn’t, from time to time?), the best emergency improvisation is ketchup, horseradish and fresh squeezed lemon. MmmmMmmm!

 


Comment from wendyworn
Time: October 17, 2008, 11:12 am

Hashbrowns with ketchup is a really wonderful hangover cure

 


Comment from Gnus
Time: October 17, 2008, 11:45 am

Catsup on navy beans isn’t bad, either. At least, not to my plebeian tastes.

Another source of dislike for Ms. Palin among females, the ones that think themselves hawt, or wish they were: jealousy. The insecure ones really don’t like her at all. They may not be vocal about it but the antipathy is there.

Disclaimer: Not sayin’ that all hawt womenfolks are that way. Nope, not sayin’ that at all.

 


Comment from Jill
Time: October 17, 2008, 11:56 am

Y’all are makin’ me hungry for a fried elitist on a bun with loads o’ ketchup. And I live where the best ketchup is borned, too…

http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.ancestry.com/~njm1/HeinzPlant-NorthSide.jpg

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 17, 2008, 12:04 pm

Good god, Jill! Food comes out of a Dickensian nightmare factory like that brick pile? Brrrr.

 


Comment from Jill
Time: October 17, 2008, 12:12 pm

That’s a pretty old postcard, Wease.
Here… http://www.heinz.com/our-company/about-heinz/history.aspx

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 17, 2008, 12:17 pm

I know, it just looks like a place where orphans starve to death bottling condiments for their betters.

 


Comment from Uncle Badger
Time: October 17, 2008, 12:17 pm

Well, I don’t care, I llke Heinz tomato ketchup.

It goes really well with worm pie.

 


Comment from Jill
Time: October 17, 2008, 12:18 pm

shhhhh…be quiet about the starving orphans…would that it were!!

🙂

 


Comment from QuasiModo
Time: October 17, 2008, 12:38 pm

F*ckin’ A! 🙂

 


Comment from Dawn
Time: October 17, 2008, 1:01 pm

I want to be Sarah Palin when I grow up.

 


Comment from Sockless Joe
Time: October 17, 2008, 1:31 pm

I sorta thought catsup/ketchup was a regional thing, which isn’t to say that it isn’t correlated with class in some way.

If it is a class thing, I would think “catsup” would be the higher class thing to say.

Alas, I’m a “ketchup” guy. And a Pennsylvanian, so I’m required by law to prefer Heinz.

 


Comment from Allen
Time: October 17, 2008, 2:16 pm

Hey, don’t sweat it Weasel, you’re emigrating to a country that has institutionalized alma mater. Something about peerage, I think.

I received a letter from an old school friend recently who is listed, or some such. His maternal grandfather was the Marquess of Something, which makes me think of an old British dude in drag. 🙂

 


Comment from Anonymous
Time: October 17, 2008, 2:16 pm

Ketchup on beans, Gnus? Blech. Everybody knows you put mayonnaise on beans.

Philistine.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: October 17, 2008, 2:19 pm

That was me.

 


Comment from Jill
Time: October 17, 2008, 2:36 pm

How’d you like to live in The Cereal Building? 🙂

http://www.pghlofts.com/ForRent/Heinz-Lofts/Heinz%20Lofts.htm

 


Comment from anywhere but here
Time: October 17, 2008, 2:41 pm

Second-raters is absolutely right. Ivy Leaguers invariably wind up working for other people—the ones with the guts and smarts to actually start companies or otherwise make something happen in this world. So who’s really earned bragging rights, the guy who went to State U., founded a business, worked his butt off and made millions, or the guy who’s got the right credentials and a trust fund? Tough call, isn’t it? Of course, the Yale guy spends his work days in disbelief that he works for morons.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 17, 2008, 2:56 pm

Wow, rents are cheap in Pittsburgh. I haven’t been a renter in a while, but I gather it’s not easy finding an apartment under $1,200.

 


Comment from porknbean
Time: October 17, 2008, 3:04 pm

Heinz? Pfffft. I prefer Hunts.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: October 17, 2008, 3:14 pm

Weaz – I love it when you go on a rant!

You rant so eloquently – and without the ten-dollar words the ivy-league asshats display like some kind of strange, peacock mating plumage.

When you use a ten-buck’er – you USE it, rather than “display” it.

 


Comment from Allen
Time: October 17, 2008, 3:18 pm

’tis true McGoo. Oooo that sorta rhymes. Hey, when is the last time you’ve heard the word “lugubrious” used in perfect context, and so fitting?

 


Comment from Jill
Time: October 17, 2008, 3:22 pm

Nope, Wease. It’s actually pretty easy to find a nice place in a decent neighborhood for a lot less than that.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: October 17, 2008, 3:45 pm

Like I said, Allen: when Stoaty uses a $10 word, it’s because its precisely the right word to use – usually for more than one reason.

Weaz is like the Bene Gesserit: Plans within plans within plans… and mucho super powers, too!

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: October 17, 2008, 3:46 pm

For some reason, the word “lugubrious” always calls to mind that greasy feeling one has walking out of a proctological exam.

 


Comment from Lemur King
Time: October 17, 2008, 3:46 pm

I think we can all relate to “loquacious” at times. (me especially)

I want more words like “groovitude” and “magnitudinous”.

I also want to go home now.

 


Comment from Muslihoon
Time: October 17, 2008, 3:47 pm

I have always wondered why it was always okay to make fun of Redneck America, or any other part of America that was not as sophistocated or refined as the metropolitan areas. Why can’t Middle America be proud of who and what they are? Why must they be parodied and looked down upon by all and sundry?

I love the pride Little Big Town shows in their origins:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0bUCL3tFgk

Snooty people really turn me off. They’re no better or worse than the rubes they so openly despise.

Also: I always thought “lugubrious” meant something like “glib”. Shows how much I know.

I wonder how often I can edit before someone catches me.

Wouldn’t it be fun to type something, have someone respond, then go and edit it to make it say exactly the opposite? Hmmmmm…with that thinking I should be a politician.

 


Comment from Allen
Time: October 17, 2008, 3:54 pm

I think we have a new word based on JW’s and Musli’s interpretation. 🙂

Lubecurious: That greasy feeling that you get from not questioning how you are just getting ready to be screwed by a politician.

 


Comment from Jill
Time: October 17, 2008, 4:02 pm

Allen, ‘lubecurious’ kinda makes me think of someone wanting to try an alternate sexual…um…thingamabob.

Like you said…

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: October 17, 2008, 4:03 pm

ick.

 


Comment from Gibby Haynes
Time: October 17, 2008, 4:07 pm

Good god, Jill! Food comes out of a Dickensian nightmare factory like that brick pile? Brrrr.

Right. I bet they send cockney children with rickets up those chimneys too.

‘Carcinogens? Carcinogens? If you don’t get yourself up that chimney by the count of three, my boy, I’ll take my belt off and give you a good hiding!’

 


Comment from Allen
Time: October 17, 2008, 4:09 pm

Jill and JW, I give you, Bailout! Economic Stimulus Plan!

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: October 17, 2008, 4:35 pm

yeah, Allen, “Bailout! Economic Stimulus Plan!” certainly sound lubecurious to me.

And not in Jill’s icky way, either. My icky way.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: October 17, 2008, 4:53 pm

Lubecurious?

Is that like “I am curious – lubed”.

Booo……

Lubecurious we,
With vaseline everywhere
Ready for action!

There was once a lubecurious chap
Whose lugubrious mood caused a flap
Some called him loquacious
But he was quite efficacious
In slipping to others the crap.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: October 17, 2008, 5:08 pm

Lugubrious loquacious we,
Excitedly went on a spree,
Big words we employed,
Til Weez we annoyed,
‘Scuse, please–I gotta go pee.

/I know, crappy last line. My uvula’s on the fritz.

 


Comment from Lemur King
Time: October 17, 2008, 5:13 pm

Musli, I actually take great pride in being a redneck.

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to eat possum?
A: Three. One to eat and two to watch for cars.

And your post-reversal… that’s pure evil thinking. You could do a political campaign a real benefit with that kind of advice (hint hint wink wink nudge nudge).

At best, Allen, “lubecurious” sounds like a deviant mechanic. At best.

 


Comment from Lemur King
Time: October 17, 2008, 5:14 pm

Just saw your doggerel, McGoo. How’s the blood sugar today?

🙂

Oops. Just slipped you crap there, didn’t I? When you figger out what lubecurious means, let me know and then I can decide whether to be prickly about it or laugh my ass off.

 


Comment from Allen
Time: October 17, 2008, 5:36 pm

Y’all, funny stuff, no hilarious. 🙂

Gotta go to the county fair. Hi, Mr. judge Allen! Ooof.

LK, never ask about detonation mechanics or what a Detonation Mechanic does, 🙂

Tune baby, tune.

 


Comment from someone
Time: October 17, 2008, 5:55 pm

I have a confession to make.

I… I…

I use the subjunctive mood.

(Am I banned now?)

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 17, 2008, 6:00 pm

If only you were.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: October 17, 2008, 6:17 pm

Well…so be it, Someone.

LK – the BS ( how appropriate that my blood sugar is BS) is good, but goin’ downhill rapidly (up, actually). I just bought a six-pack of Blue Moon Belgian style wheat ale and some fried chicken strips (with fried okra, of course) from the Hot To Trot, or the Bugger ‘N Run, or whatever that gas/grocery place is called in town, and I intend to eat and drink all of it.

I will then groan lugubriously for the rest of the evening.

{edit: one down – five to go}

 


Comment from Scubafreak
Time: October 17, 2008, 6:41 pm

Actually, I have found that Catsup (hunts, preferably) is great for making a crust on Meatloaf. I mix equal amounts of Beef and Buffalo, add a finely blended mix of Red Bell Pepper, Italian croutons, sun dried tomato, onion and Garlic, Form it, wrap it liberally in thick applewood smoked bacon, and smear a nice coating of Catsup over the meat to prevent burning. Always works well for me…..

 


Comment from Muslihoon
Time: October 17, 2008, 7:03 pm

The only things I have cooked are instant pasta, soup, and frying paratha. Mom refuses to teach me how to cook, and becomes aghast if I said I’ll teach myself. (I once made daal, which Mom and Dad and everyone said was good. When Mom made the exact same thing right after me, it became clear they were fibbing. Mine was horrible!)

Y’all’re anti-cooking-ignorant, I say!

On that note: I have ketchup only on hot dogs and maybe burgers. But then plain hot dogs (without condiments) are quite good too.

 


Comment from apotheosis
Time: October 17, 2008, 8:09 pm

Loving the packed-up weasel gfx.

 


Comment from Malcolm Kirkpatrick
Time: October 17, 2008, 9:18 pm

Ketchup has its uses. Put lots of ketchup on haggis and haggis tastes just like meatloaf with lots of ketchup. Weasel might find this information useful, depending on where in England she settles.

 


Comment from Mrs. Peel
Time: October 17, 2008, 9:28 pm

ketchup, bleh. It contains vinegar, and is therefore on the List of Foods Shunned By Peel.

How about lubricious, guys? I like that word.

(um…I typed that before I looked it up [I like the sound of it]. That’s, um, definitely not how I feel about politicians.)

 


Comment from apotheosis
Time: October 17, 2008, 9:35 pm

If the good lord intended a Haggis to taste like meatloaf he’d have made sheep’s good n’ plenty outta hamburger.

 


Comment from Jill
Time: October 17, 2008, 10:19 pm

The DSB is doing yoga while watching Gary Oldman’s ‘Dracula’.
I’m listening to same while surfing them intertubes.

Keanu Reeves is such a horrendously bad actor it makes my teeth hurt.

BTW, 87 octane hit $2.99/gal here today.

 


Comment from Lipstick
Time: October 17, 2008, 11:20 pm

Incidentally, I’ve always loved the idea that John “Snooty McSnooterson” Kerry’s lavish lifestyle was funded by ketchup. Lowly, declassé ketchup.

Sort of like how this country is made strong by people like Joe the Plumber.

How ickey!

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: October 18, 2008, 12:38 am

Keanu Reeves. Plywood.

You be the judge.

 


Comment from jwpaine
Time: October 18, 2008, 12:41 am

Keanu has to appear in films with real actors like Al Pacino and Lawrence Fishburne so nobody notices what waste of oxygen he is.

 


Comment from LemurKing
Time: October 18, 2008, 2:31 am

McGoo, you can make exceptions for Blue Moon. Or Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. Or Sam Adams. Or Henry Weinhard’s. Or Black Rabbit Porter.

I miss beer, dammit.

Mrs. Peel… lubricious. Damn does that ever sound naughty.

Hey. Just looked it up. Hey… HEY… you were tricking me, weren’t you? 🙂

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 18, 2008, 3:31 am

River’s Edge was a good, creepy movie. I don’t remember if Keanu Reeves didn’t suck in it, or if he did suck and it was a good movie all around him.

Why am I up at 3 in the morning? I have a brand new gas boiler! 🙂

It sounds totally weird and different 🙁

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: October 18, 2008, 4:47 am

Good morning, Weaz!

I, too, like the newest weaselwrap nartwork up there! And the status update! Excellent!

…And, no, I did not manage to drink all six of the Blue Moons. Rats. My tolerance for the shit is just not ever gonna come back.

A new furnace! Cool. I’ve experienced that – the “new” sound that one has to get used to. Speaking of that: I’m now having to turn on the heat in the morning and switch back to A/C around noonish time. Winter is a-coming! You’ll be spending it in Jolly Ol’, mlady!

Now I get to drive into town for my McMuff fix. I call it “Critter time” because I never know what I’ll see along the road out here.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 18, 2008, 8:27 am

I loved the old furnace. I have steam heat, and the old one hissed and clacked and chuckled to itself. The new one is tiny and efficient and gas, but the radiators simply knock, which makes it sound like someone is walking around the empty house. Brrr.

I’ve just turned it up nice and high to see if I can make it hiss properly. It got down in the THIRTIES here last night, which explains why it came on at all (I had turned the themostat down to 60. I usually don’t put the heat on until after Hallowe’en — point of pride).

 


Comment from apotheosis
Time: October 18, 2008, 8:59 am

Didja get that lovely “first time the heater’s turned on” smell? When it burns all the dust off the coils (or whatever’s inside a furnace)?

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 18, 2008, 9:07 am

Got a nastier smell than that, on account of it’s the first time this heater’s been turned on ever. Kind of a nasty “who burned the popcorn?” smell.

 


Comment from Mrs. Peel
Time: October 18, 2008, 9:28 am

It’s a good thing I don’t live up north. I think 60 is cold.

Unfortunately, I have electric heat, and that costs a FORTUNE to run. So I’ll be shivering through the winter with the heater at 68 or so. At least I have a huge thick quilt my aunt made me a few years ago, and a little space heater I can put in the bathroom.

Yes, I tricked you, LK! But I tricked myself as well – I’d forgotten what the word meant.

 


Comment from apotheosis
Time: October 18, 2008, 10:40 am

Well, Mrs. Peel, Jimmeh says just put on another sweater, don’tchaknow.

 


Pingback from On snooty people « Mutterings
Time: October 18, 2008, 1:34 pm

[…] 18, 2008 · No Comments Weasel has some great thoughts on the elite chattering class. Go read it all. Intellectual superiors my […]

 


Comment from Becky
Time: October 18, 2008, 4:48 pm

That is one first-rate rant.

Common decency compels me to tell warn that I’m stealing these:

“It’s the kind of empty gasbaggery that regularly leaks out of a second-rate intellect that has been dragged through a first-class education.”

“Every day of the week, chatty Joe Biden utters a thing so shockingly stupid it makes milk come out of Dan Quayle’s nose.”

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: October 18, 2008, 4:54 pm

Good eye, Becky, good eye!

Here’s one from Steve, over at Hog On Ice ( http://www.hogonice.com/ ):

I am going to the hardware store to buttonhole whoever smells the most like manure and make him tell me how to kill my St. Augustine grass..

Now doesn’t that just sing!?!

 


Comment from Becky
Time: October 18, 2008, 5:16 pm

Ha! It does indeed.

 


Comment from Dave in Texas
Time: October 18, 2008, 6:02 pm

If you’ve never seen Lileks’ “Gallery of Regrettable Food”, I recommend.

Start with meat.

http://lileks.com/institute/gallery/index.html

 


Comment from Mrs. Peel
Time: October 18, 2008, 7:58 pm

In the Odd Coincidences Department, I bring to your attention that Dave’s link has a reference to the Dionne quints.

 


Comment from Steamboat McGoo
Time: October 18, 2008, 8:17 pm

But…but… the linky don’t worky! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

 


Comment from Mrs. Peel
Time: October 18, 2008, 8:31 pm

Dammit. Let me try again: here

 


Comment from Hector Owen
Time: October 19, 2008, 1:19 am

Beautiful! Linked.

 


Comment from Sissy Willis
Time: October 19, 2008, 6:38 pm

“I am a person who believes” vs. “I believe” . . . I believe we’re talkin’ nuance here.

 


Comment from S. Weasel
Time: October 19, 2008, 6:43 pm

What an interesting catch, Sissy. My mother used to say, beware anyone who likes to use the formulation, “I’m the sort of person who…”

It’s an unnecessary linguistic tack-on that points to throbbing narcissism.

 


Comment from Oldsmoblogger
Time: October 20, 2008, 10:54 am

I prefer “Oh, stop teasing” to either “Would that it were” or “I wish.” Where’s my candidate?

 


Pingback from This is the most awesome thing I’ve read today (and maybe yesterday too) « Goldwater Girl’s Weblog
Time: October 22, 2008, 2:18 pm

[…] Weasel, regarding conservative elites (Brooks, Noonan, Parker, etc) piling on Palin (read the rest here): “Every day of the week, chatty Joe Biden utters a thing so shockingly stupid it makes milk […]

 

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