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Don’t you Euro types use that tushie sink named after Joe Biden to wash your backsides instead of using toilet paper?

Bidet? Oh.

Eh, Toe-may-toe, Toe-mah-toe. I just assumed it was another case of the English being unable to properly speak English, like Al-u-mini-um versus the correct Aluminum or “Sched-u-al” versus “schedule”.

😛

Back in the day…before you became a Blokelahoman…Andrex used a white Lab pup in all their TV adverts. It became their logo for the stuff, hence the pup on the packaging and embossed into the stuff. They were pretty cute ads.

“So wipe your ass with a puppy?, I guess.”

That reminds me of the extended passage in Rabelais on the subject of the perfect ass-wipe. Which was found to be the neck of a goose.

On a totally different subject: the passing of our last Dead Pool honoree has allowed a surprising story to be revealed at last.

Olivia De Havilland was an FBI informant, working with Ronald Reagan to expose Communist infiltration in Hollywood!

Marketing bog roll has to be a tough challenge. It would be unthinkable to have any kind of advertisement with any kind of realistic scene with the product in use. We end up with puppies, bears, clouds, flowers, and Mr. Whipple.

When the ad says strong, what they mean is that if you’re not careful you’ll put your finger through the competing brand and end up with shit under your fingernail.

When the ad says soft, what they mean is that if you’re using the competing brand, your butt hole will feel like you’ve wire-brushed it.

Can you picture a TV commercial for papel higiénico with a nice, Mexican family the morning after they’ve eaten some bad arroz con pollo?

I’ll take the puppies, thank you, and be glad for them!

A bear asks a rabbit if he ever has problems with shit sticking to his fur. The rabbit replies “no, not at all”. The bear says “oh, great”, grabs the rabbit and uses him to wipe his ass.

At this point, one must pause to wonder which brand the bears in the Vatican use.

Maybe they mean the puppies are in charge?

Mrs Vegetable is Japanese, of course, which means that our modest home has Japanese ‘bidet’ toilets with all the features except the bells and whistles (quite seriously, there is a model which I think is a Japan-only item which plays, uh, ‘masking music’ to cover any embarrassing sounds). These toilets become quite addicting after a while. You always laugh at the auto-lid lift and close salute, but the auto flush becomes a habit (you have to remember! to flush when visiting friend’s homes), the heated seat is a midnight joy, and the catalytic converter removes all unpleasant odors quite well. Naturally, this being the 21st Century, there is a Bluetooth remote with personalized memory, so that one can Goldilocks the setting to “just right”. *

The adjustable (for location, water temp, and water-pressure) water-wand does its job quite well, -and although I cannot personally speak to the bidet variation- lady guests tend to giggle upon return from applying make-up, so a gentleman can only assume it works acceptably in that area as well.

The combination of the washing wand and the heated “air-dryer” significantly reduces the number of puppies crushed in our household.

We had ours some years now without any problems. Still, though, they’re pretty expensive. You can literally crush tons of puppy paper against your bottom and still come out ahead financially.

Oh, and my favorite toilet paper cartoon, shows a toothbrush talking to a roll of toilet paper**. The toothbrush says, “I have the worst job in the world!” “Yeah, right!” replies the roll of toilet paper.

* Having re-read that Goldilocks thing, I regret the imagery, but am too lazy to think of a substitute….

**Look: Disney has lots of talking trees and rabbits, and no one even blinks, okay? So just suspend that disbelief right there, please.

@Someveg – heh – I just had a vision of Disney bath fixtures dancing around singing to “Be our Guest” from Beauty and the Beast.

Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Put our service to the test!
Drop your drawers Cheri and squat here
and we will do the rest!

Or
“The Bidet, The Bidet, How I live the Bidet!”
Sung to the tune of “Les Poissons” from “The Little Mermaid”
or
“Don’t use TP,
Don’t use TP,
life is much better
when your butts wetter,
take it from me! ”
to the tune of “Under the Sea” from the same movie.

Yes, we bought all those movies on VHS and songs stick in my head like you wouldn’t believe.