sweasel.com

Praise flush toilets.

It’s what separates each one of us from … our shit.

It just amazes me, McGoo, when my fellow lazy drunken wastrels fail to realize that we would be miserably unhappy living in a world peopled entirely by us. Nothing would work, everything would be late. It would suck.

We need Joe more than he needs us. A LOT more.

This is true, Weaz.

But … it has nothing whatsoever to do with the beer in my fridge.

Actually, it does. It’s those Joe The Plumbers that make the stuff, stack it, load, drive it, and stock the shelves with it.

…But it took one o’ those artsy-fartsy types with hyper-sensitive tastebuds to create the product and make it taste right.

On a side note, Ace reports that the B-faced-girl has confessed to faking her assault for being a McC supporter. That sucks quite a bit.

Does anyone watch History channel? I have that stupid Monster Quest advertisement hillbilly voice stuck in my head saying, “They killed nine of my goats…” and I can’t get it out.

I haven’t turned on a television in…umm…must be four years now. Spooky, that.

And the worst part? I never cancelled cable.

No tv in 4 years? Woah, that’s pretty hardcore Weasel. Like, no DVD’s too?

No, no…not as hardcore as it sounds. I watch TV shows online, and I buy whole seasons of shows on DVD. Also, I watch TV at Uncle B’s place (errrr…which I guess is my place now).

I just don’t watch television.

I used to have the TV on while I sat here at the computer, and I’d mute it every time I wanted to read something. Which is pretty much all I do on computer, unless I’m Photoshopping. So I figured out the thing was sitting there mutely showing me pictures all day and really kind of getting on my nerves. So I got rid of it.

Without Joes, there’d be no Dirty Jobs. And Discovery Channel would be considerably less interesting.

Except when they’re replaying Planet Earth, I can’t get enough of that damn series.

Ah, ok I unnerstand. Wait, no I don’t – you don’t have a tv set at all now? But…you still subscribe to cable?

Enas – it’s a cunning ploy to keep them misled as to what Weasel is really up to. That way she can continue to draw up her nefarious plans…

Either that, or she gets her Innertube service thru the cable co.

Dirty Jobs… Mike Rowe… rowrr!

Except, don’t bother downloading that episode where he castrates sheep with his teeth. Truly disturbing. Horrid. I don’t think any woman could ever want to kiss him after seeing what he did with those sheep.
*shiver*

My television is in the basement. Somewhere. But my cable box is about a yard from my elbow. See, my internet service is cablemodem — and it’s really EXCELLENT — but I didn’t know if I needed to buy into the whole cable thing to keep it. Now I know I could’ve canceled cable TV, but it’s a little late, isn’t it?

My cable company is a bunch of…oh, what’s the word? — cunts. So I have as little to do with them as possible.

Seriously, they make you do anything important in person. The last time I was in my cable office was possibly the closest I’ve ever come to getting into a physical altercation with a generic woman behind the counter.

She was an excitably Hispanic woman who seemed to think it legally impossible for a mere customer to own her own cable modem, and some kind of terrible insult to her ancestors to suggest otherwise.

Like most psychotic encounters of this kind, I was thrown off my game by sheer astonishment, or things might have gone very seriously wrong for Maria.

So…I could be wrong… but I take it you have strong feelings about your cable service and (perhaps) their employees?

The service in St. Charles was outstanding. Quicker’n snot flicked off my finger! I think I was gettin’ 5-10Meg d/l speeds. Whatever – it was fast, fast, fast. Booga!

EDIT: OK – I’m phase-shifted in the conversation. I’ve run into that before, Weaz – folks thinking “Everyone rents our overpriced cable modems! No one would actually go to BB and buy their own!”

I was a plumber in the Air Force. I also have an AA in Web and Graphic Design. So I think that makes me both artsy and plumbery. (But being the only female plumber on base – I could tell you stories!!!!)

Plumbery.

I’m adding that to my lexicon of really neat words.

Ah, ok. All is clear now. Funny, when I signed up for cable broadband they just gave me the modem. Hmm, which reminds me that I need to call cable customer support to get my xbox live up and running.

Oh, and Wendyworn – we want stories.

There’s a book in that story of yours, Wendyworn 🙂

“Shit flows downhill – and other things I learned in the Air Force” by Wendy Worn

Wendy! Shit, Wendy has a URL! Why didn’t you say something? Are you a moron, Wendy? We know you can plumb for the Air Force, but that’s not really enough information for my blogroll.

My boss has a great story about a photographer BMT (Before My Time) who crapped in the darkroom sink because she was too shy to walk through a training class to the bathroom. You kind of have to hear him tell it…

🙂 I’m not worthy to be on the Stoaty blog roll!

Have you ever clicked on anybody in my blogroll? -=facepalm=-

You plumbed for the Air Force, ma’am.

Enas, just for you. This one time I got called to unplug the drain in the Men’s gym on base. There was this really long hallway down to the open showers where the work needed to be done. I told the guy who worked there to guard that hallway because I didnt want any nekkid menz walking in while I was working. Well sure enough, this guy comes walking in wearing only what he was born in, carrying his towel. I looked up and we locked eyes and that towel went SWISH! to cover the front of him faster than lightning. Of course the guy guarding the hallway was laughing his ass off!

Yes, Ms. Weas, I have clicked.

Yay, weas got linked on Ace!

Now you have power. Use it wisely.

“It just amazes me, McGoo, when my fellow lazy drunken wastrels fail to realize that we would be miserably unhappy living in a world peopled entirely by us. Nothing would work, everything would be late. It would suck.”

You’re too optimistic. In fact, it would be miserably run by the few real predatory assholes out there. How do I know this? Because there’s already a country like that. It’s called Russia.

I was thinking something kinda similar earlier this evening. One of my favorite authors is Robin McKinley. In one of her short stories, she describes something as being so beautiful that “even an engineer had to appreciate it,” and in her most recent book, she makes reference to some crackpot idea she’s got that technical folks don’t love their dogs the way arty folks do. Apparently, because we understand biology and chemistry, we are incapable of normal human emotion.

Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art,
Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes.
Why preyest thou thus upon the poet’s heart,
Vulture, whose wings are dull realities?
How should he love thee, or how deem thee wise,
Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering,
To seek for treasure in the jeweled skies,
Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing?
Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car,
And driven the hamadryad from her wood
To seek shelter in some happier star?
Hast thou not torn the naiad from her flood,
The elfin from the green grass, and from me
The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree?

(from memory, so please pardon any errors)

A friend of mine is a plumber. We were talking about a year ago, and I said that automatic car washes were one of the greatest inventions. He looked at me and said, “I dunno…I think shit paper is pretty high up on the list.”

I hadn’t thought about it before that, but I concurred.

I am Bill.

http: //iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2008/10/i-am-bill.html

Joan… Even worse, I was eating pizza and chicken, and washing it down with red fruit punch when I flipped to that channel. I love that show, but I had to change the channel after about a minute and a half……..

Of course, I spent my sick day today watching a comic gorefest called Black Sheep the movie……

Of course, I spent my sick day today watching a comic gorefest called Black Sheep the movie……

C’mon, admit it. It was awesome.

Baaaaa a a a a a a a a………. 🙂

at least I know my flu shot worked…. I got the flu 5 days after getting jabbed…..

I read somewhere that it wasn’t until like around the 1920’s that there was a brand of toilet paper that was gauranteed to be “splinter-free”.

The more I learn about history the more I’m glad I don’t live in old-timey times. We like to pretend that the past was more “authentic” than our current and vastly more easier lives. In reality it was just vastly more dirtier and uncomfortable.

…

I was going somewhere with this but it’s late and I’ve lost my train of thought. G’night.

Tonight’s winner in the daily “Engrish spam subject line sweepstakes”:

MEAT FETISH OF LARGE BUTT WOMAN

…round of applause.

I read somewhere that it wasn’t until like around the 1920’s that there was a brand of toilet paper that was gauranteed to be “splinter-free”.

I thought in the olden days they used either pages out of the sears-roebuck catalog or dried corncobs.

From whence derives the phrase “rough as a cob.”

Yep. “Rough as a cob” is one expression. I sometimes wondered if the use of corncobs was also the source of the word “cornhole” – or was it because …well…corn is often visible upon exit.

MEAT FETISH OF LARGE BUTT WOMAN

That can be the new phrase to replace this one:

http://www.google.com/search?q=peanut+lady+fuck&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a

Enas, there was a Bullshit episode on nostalgia. Guy at a Renaissance Fair says “oh, yeah, I wish I’d lived back then. More leisure time.” I just about died from laughter. Yeah, in between farming or hunting for food, high mortality rates, doing everything yourself because there is no automation…yeah, much more leisure time.

Nostalgia makes us feel better because we remember with rose colored glasses. Things really weren’t better, simpler, etc. People were the same, things overall were harder.

Sorry, PnB. You seem to be Akismet’s new whipping boy. Um, bean.

Maria!
I just met a squirrel named Maria!
And suddenly I find
The bureaucratic mind
Just blows!

Maria!
I just slugged a squirrel named Maria,
And suddenly I’ve found
How fun it is to pound
A nose!

Maria!
Punch her soft to pretend that you’re playing,
Punch her hard–well, it goes without saying–
Maria,
I’ll never stop slapping Maria!

I never liked musicals until college, when my arty and/or gay friends schooled me in the finer points of American camp theater. (Not that I’m calling you gay or anything, JW. *COUGH*homosexual*COUGH*). Anyhow, I bought West Side Story soundtrack on LP at a yard sale. It skipped like a bastard. Particularly “Maria” — whom he repeatedly called ‘ria.

Which we decided must actually be ‘rhea. As in, “man, we shouldn’t have eaten at that hot dog stand. I had ‘rhea for three days!”

or: “I shouldn’t have eaten at the Y. Now my tongue has ‘rhea!”

Great, now I have a different definition of “mens rea” stuck in my mind. Ack, ack, pfft.

Maria!
Punch her soft to pretend that you’re playing,
Punch her hard–well, it goes without saying–
Maria,
I’ll never stop slapping Maria!

Most guys call their wieners, ‘Willie’.

jwpaine: awesome.

at this rate the dog will have a whole musical. torrid forbidden love affair between dachshund and squirrel.

Pest side story?

[…] a craptastic day. I’m not Joe the Plumber nor even Les the HVAC guy, and floundering around in the attic made me glad of that fact. Did […]

[…] a craptastic day. I’m not Joe the Plumber nor even Les the HVAC guy, and floundering around in the attic made me glad of that fact. Did […]